Saturday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Inauguration Day Skit:

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Kramdens & Nortons are in Washington D.C. to see the presidential inauguration.)

Ralph: “Wow! I can’t believe that all of us are witnessing history being made. Change is coming to America.”

Alice: “What a moment!”

Ed: “Hopefully, he will make this country a better nation. Make it more secure. Make sure people get more jobs. Heck, I would love it if I had more co-workers down in the sewer.”

(Ralph elbows Ed.)

Ralph: “Look at all the news anchors. I see Tom Brokaw, Matt Lauer, Brian Williams, that son of Tim Russert, David Gregory…”

Ed: “I see that Katie Couric. Va-va-voom! She is a looker.”

(During the inauguration speech, Ralph is filming it with his camera. Ed accidentally knocks the camera out of Ralph’s hands.)

Ralph (yells): “YOU STUPID STUPE! YOU MADE ME BREAK MY CAMERA.”

Ed: “I’m sorry. Maybe that camera is very durable.”

(Ralph picks up the camera.)

Ralph: “It’s a good think that this camera is still working or I would break you in half Norton.”

(After the speech, it’s time for the ‘concert’ part of the inauguration. Some of the music is actually hip-hop music.)

Ralph: “I never thought that I would see hip-hop music being played at an inauguration.”

Bill Cosby (as himself): “Me too. That hip-hop music with all the moving and the hoping…”

(Audience cheers. The Kramdens and Nortons are star-struck.)

Ralph: “You’re Bill Cosby.”

Bill Cosby: “That is right.”

Ed: “I love your shows and all the movies you made. You are so funny. You are comparable to Jackie Gleason.”

Bill: “Naw, you can’t even put him and me in the same sentence OR in the same room.”

Ed: “Especially if the room was small.”

Ralph: “Yeah, but of course that Art Carney has put on a few pounds too you know.”

(Bill laughs.)

Bill: “Seriously, I am so happy for Barack. He is going to be a great role model. He’s a black man who is well-educated and is successful. Unfortunately, I have seen a lot of young black people who are the opposite. Martin Luther King would be proud of him. It is time for change.”

(They all sing a song about change in America. After that, the audience applauds.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "Let's introduce every one of the cast. First: Jean Kean."

(Audience cheers as Jean steps on stage and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows."

(Audience cheers as Aud steps on stage and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Audience cheers as Art comes out and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: “And Bill Cosby.”

(Audience cheers as Bill comes out and shakes Jackie’s hand.)

Jackie: “Wait a minute. Bill. What do you think of the Miami Beach audiences?”

Bill: “Well, I always like to do my stand-up act in front of people, but I say that the Miami Beach audiences are the greatest.”

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: “Good night everyone.”

"This Is Your Life Part One":

(Ralph is trying to catch people in the poolroom in hoping of finding who's seeing Alice. He already interviewed one person.)

Ralph: "Hey you."

Fat Man: "You talking to me?"

Ralph: "Never mind."

Ed: "Well, that's three down."

Ralph: "Three down?"

Ed: "He counts for two, doesn't he?"

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(Ralph picks out a small fish from his basket.)

Alice: "This is what you had the big tug-of-war with?"

Ralph: "He lost a lot of weight during the fight."

"Nephew of The Bride":

(Ralph found out that Alice's Aunt Ethel and Herman are moving in since Herman lives at the YMCA. He picks up his hat and puts it on.)

Alice: "Where are you going?"

Ralph: "To the YMCA."

"Nephew of The Bride":

Alice: "Ralph, it's 2am in the morning and Aunt Ethel isn't home yet."

Ralph: "She better get home early if she has to wake me up at 6am."

"Hair-Raising Tale":

Ed (reading another one of the bottles): "'Oliveoil.'"

Ralph: "'Oliveoil.'" (yells): "THAT'S OLIVE OIL."

"Hello Mom":

Alice: "My mother is coming and you are going to be nice to her."

Ralph: "I'm going to be nice to her. That's impossible. We don't get along. We're enemies. Natural enemies like a boa constrictor and a mongoose."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "When did you get those glasses?"

Ed: "About four months ago. The doctor told me that I have to wear them when I read."

Ralph: "Do they help?"

Ed: "I don't know. This is the first time I have tried them out."

"The Loudspeaker":

Ralph: "There's an honor with being Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler that is a benefit for both of us. If I'm elected Grand High Exalted Mystic Ruler, we have the privilege of free burial at the Raccoon National Cemetery? Do you know where that is? Bismark, North Dakota."

Alice: "Well, that's wonderful Ralph. Just wonderful. I always dreamed of going out west."

"The Bensonhurst Bomber":

(Ralph trains for his fight with Harvey with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover up your face Ralph! Cover up your face! Cover up your face!"

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells in
pain): "ARGGGGGGGGGGH!...ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAA...OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWWWW!" (to Ed): "Why did you hit me in the stomach for when you told me to cover up my face?"

Ed: "That should be a lesson. You should never trust anybody in the boxing ring."