Job Applications

[lilhave]

These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them
know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity,
and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and
lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three
previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment,
I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at
least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore
and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

[MonarC]