Episode Reviews: "The Turkey" & "Lost Baby":

[Frank Gannucci]

Episode #9
TV: This episode has not been released in syndication.
VHS & DVD: This episode has not been released on either of these
formats but MPI might be releasing this episode inthe future, but who knows with them?

This episode might be an earlier version of "Two-Family Car." I haven't seen this episode, but I have seen "Two-Family Car", so here's the review.

Alice is cleaning the fire escape when the mop part of the mop falls and it lands on Ralph's head. Ralph (sarcastically): "This is one of those New Italian haircuts." Ralph says to Alice that he is going bowling so make dinner fast. A man comes by with a telegram. Ralph accepts the telegram. The man expects a tip. Ralph gives him a dime. Ralph (to the man): "I'm doing my job to hold down inflation now get out of here." Ralph reads the telegram. Ralph (excitedly, yells): "OH BABY! OH BABY!" He tells Alice of all the times that Alice said that Ralph was stupid for taking chances to win some things when the odds were low. Hey, I would do the same thing. Ralph explained that he won a contest from the Theresa Grata Service League and the grand prize is a 1953 4 door Sedan Deluxe. According to the telegram, the prize will arrive tonight along with a person from the league. He says that since they have a car, he will no longer have to borrow Cassidy's car. Ralph: "Now, I don't even have to talk to that bum Cassidy." Ralph is sure being ungrateful. Ralph promises to take Alice for a spin in the car. Ralph then explains that he got a ticket that gave him the one and a million chance of winning the grand prize by walking out a bowling alley with Norton. The sign for the contest said something like: "Give to charity and have a chance to win a prize." A ticket costs 50 cents. All he had was a quarter so he asks Norton for a quarter. Alice says that since Ralph did that, Norton owns half the car. Ralph goes into the bedroom.

Ralph (coming out, yells): "HE OWNS HALF THE CAR?" Ralph is upset. Alice asks him to bring Norton down. Ralph doesn't want to do so tonight. Ralph: "Just one night without that nut (Ed)." Alice is not hearing anything of it. She asks him to call Ed down. Ralph calls Ed down. Ralph tries to cheat Norton by offering to pay back the twenty-five cents after explaining that he has a guilty conscience by asks him for a quarter that other night that would have given him enough money so he could get a ticket that will guarantee a one and a million chance to win a car. Ed: "We won the car! We won the car! We won the car!" Ralph (to Alice): "Are you satisfied? I told him." Ralph then makes plans for him and Alice to use the car on Sunday just so they can see Alice's mom. Ed: "I have plans to use the car on Sunday. I want to drive to Maryland. The Aberdeen Proving Grounds is doing a test on dum-dum bullets." Ralph: "You can forget the dum-dum bullets dum-dum." Ralph & Ed then make an agreement for each of them to have the cars some days. Ralph offers the car for five days to Ed. Those days are Mon-Fri. Ed doesn't like that so he wants the other two days. Ralph: "Fine! Your two days are Wednesday and Thursday." Alice: "Ralph!" Ed: "Leave him alone Alice. I got my two days." Boy, is Ed dumb. Alice says that this car thing needs to be settled equally. Ralph: "What do you want me to do, cut the car in half?" Ed: "That's good. One of us will take the back seat and one of us will take the front seat." Ralph offers to take the front seat. Ed: "That's where the engine is and if the engine needs any repair, you are to take care of it." Ralph now exchanges the front seat with the back seat. Ed: "That's where the gas tank is so if the car needs any gas, you will take care of it." Ralph: "I don't care."

Alice reminds Ralph that that man from the Theresa Grata Service League should arrive here in a few minutes and he has to have his ticket ready for him. He goes to get it and comes back with a box full of contest tickets. Ed spots a ticket for an old contest in which the grand prize was a 1932 Essex. Ed reads the name of the charity that gave Ralph the ticket: "The League to add chlorine to the Passaic River." Ralph gets the Theresa Grata Service League ticket out. Ed: "No wonder we won. The ticket has my lucky number. 26409333206988764322." Quite possibly, that would be the world's largest lucky number EVER for a person. The man from the Theresa Grata Service league comes with the prize...a turkey. Man: "You didn't win first prize (the car), you won 26th prize. Ed: "Hey Ralph, you said you wanted the back half. Ha ha ha ha." Ralph (yells): "GET OUT!" Ralph is upset that another one of his dreams has gone down the tubes.

Episode #10
TV: Hasn't been released on TV.
VCR: Attached to "One Big Happy Family"
DVD: Attached to "A Weighty Problem", "Lunch Box" & "The Man In The
Blue Suit."

When MPI released this episode on VHS, at the time it was the oldest surviving lost episode. They even put that in the description of the episode. After this episode was released, the Really Lost Debut Episodes were finally shown. Well, in 2002, MPI released this episode on DVD with the exact description that the VHS copy had even though by that time, it wasn't the oldest surviving lost episode.

This episode, much like "Quiz Show" (2nd version), is not exactly in 100% condition. Look at the left while this episode is playing and you'll notice that the left side is blurry.

Ralph comes home with a baby boy that he found on the bus along with food. He was lying on the back seat of the bus. Alice: "How did it get on the bus?" Ralph: "You don't expect him to walk do you?" Ralph brought him home rather bring him to the Foundlin home because it was getting pretty late when his day was done. He didn't want to be late for dinner and he looked to be hungry so he thought he would bring him home and him, the baby and Alice would have dinner. Alice says that they don't have anything to feed a baby. Ralph says he got some hamburger for the baby. Alice says he is too young to eat hamburger because of the meat. Ralph: "I got the hamburger from Krauss. There is very little meat in it."

Alice says she is going outside to get some pablum for the baby. As she goes into the bedroom to get her coat, she has trouble opening the door. Ralph says that everyone pampers babies now. He is impling that babies are now being spoiled. Ralph talks about how tough it was for him to be a baby. When he was a baby, his parents didn't put him over his shoulder to burp him. They gave him bruma seltzer. Ha! Alice leaves.

The baby cries. As Ralph puts him on the table, I think you can tell that the baby isn't real. Ralph tries to make the baby laugh. He tries to get Norton. As he yells out he window for him, Ed comes in. After Ralph tells him to come down, he notices that Ed is in the room with him. Ralph tells Ed where he got the kid. Ed searches for the baby's name. He looks on the baby's jacket and reads "John Wanamaker." He assumes that that's the baby's name. Ha! Ralph tells that is where the baby got his jacket made. The baby cries and Ed assumes that the baby is crying because it's a Republican baby. I assume a Democrat was president when this episode was made. Ralph says: "Why should he cry if he's a Republican baby." Ed: "He's hollering for a change." Ralph's response to that remark is his "Pow! Right in the kisser" routine.

Ed suggests that since the baby is crying, Ralph should give him some milk. Ed pours the milk into a glove since the glove will be used for a nipple. Ed: "We should patent this idea. It's a great idea for mothers with quintuplets. As Ralph puts the glove right-side up with the bottle being closed by Ralph's hand, Ed gets a pair of scissors to cut one of the fingers. Can you sense that they are going to do something stupid? I can. Sure enough, when Ed cuts one of the fingers, Ralph and Ed get a face-full of milk. They would later do the same thing in the episode titled: "The Adoption." Ralph of course blames Ed for the mishap in this episode. Ed leaves but as he leaves he says that the baby's name is John Wanamaker's baby. Ralph says that the baby couldn't be him since John is a millionaire. So Ed says that if it was John's baby, he would leave him in a taxi. Ed leaves.

Alice comes home with the food and sees that the baby is going to sleep. Alice: "Isn't he darling? He is going to sleep." Ralph disagrees with what Alice says because when he becomes 40, his wife will say: "Turn over Herman, you're snoring." Ralph says that we are going to keep him. Ralph will say that he will work night and day and forget about sleeping.

The police come looking for the kid. Alice and the kid go into the bedroom. Detective Brady of the police comes in and says that he is looking for the kid. He demands to know where the kid is. He called the Foundlin home and he wasn't there. Ralph assumes that he must have stepped out. Ha! The Detective says that the kid's mother is frantic and the reason why she left the kid on the bus alone because she thought she was doing the best thing for the kid and the reason why she wants him back is because she can't get along with the kid. Ralph turns the kid over. The Detective and the kid leave with the baby's food.

Ralph says that when the kid left, the baby looked at Ralph as if he was saying: "Let me stay here." Ralph says he didn't mean what he said when he said that baby makes noise. Ralph: "I love kids. I want to have 20 of them." They wound up having nowhere near twenty kids during the whole series. As they hug and kiss, Ralph nice fully says: "One of these days, one of these days."

I may have mentioned in the episode entitled: "Quiz Show" that Ralph probably drove a cab in the beginning of the series. In this episode, he drove a bus. So Ralph probably drove a cab, then quit to drive a bus, then quit to drive a cab, then joined the bus company again or when he says: 'I have to face the people down at the garage." in "Quiz Show", he may have referred to the garage at the bus company.