Criticisms of My Own Stories! - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Janice Johnson · 09-11-2008, 05:44 PM

The laughing smiley is exactly what I am doing....

While I give Darryl a "coma" I'd like to reflect on my wacky stories...................

Darryl is supposedly a mugger and a carjacker, but he let a guy beat on him without getting one "lick in."

I had another story, which proved that i didn't really know how to write for boys. When I was around 14, I had a story in which Bryan kisses his girlfriend for the first time, and after says to himself, 'I felt relaxed. I felt nervous. I felt like running, I felt like going to sleep. I felt confident. I felt shy....Come on, this part was basically, 'How many antonyms can i fit in one paragragh?

Then, I had to put cherry on this "ice cream." I wrote that Bryan was so happy, he ran 2 miles to his house(looking crazy)...................

In another story, i wrote that Ryan met a girl named Tracy and told her that he loved her within the first hour of meeting her! Crazy!(Butm, he told her he was jsut playing when she looked scared as hell)

He called her like 5 times a day, and they'd only met each other.......

And, he spent 90 percent of his time thinking about her and telling her she was the right girl for him(he hadn't even known her for a week yet)... Stalker!

He even began asking if he could come over to her house!

The only character I can compare Ryan to is Ben from "The Secret Life Of The American Teenager on ABC.... He kind of acts like Ben does for Amy................

tv star collector · 09-11-2008, 06:07 PM

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Janice Johnson · 09-12-2008, 05:34 PM

In one of my Darryl stories, Darryl sees his male roommate and his male dormparent kissing, and when they are caught by him, they say, 'Um, we were just playing.'(They are a couple in the closet) Come on.... I can be naive, but even I wouldn't fall that..... Two guys kissing and they are just playing?...........

Janice Johnson · 05-07-2009, 11:47 AM

In my newest story, The Protest.... I unwittingly named two of my characters the SAME NAME!

There are two Sams in the protest story...... One is Sam the dormparent, and one is Sam, Dave's friend and a protestor. I was reading my story, and going, "Uh-oh. Somebody might ask why Sam the Dormparent is protesting too......

Janice Johnson · 05-26-2009, 05:33 PM

In my story, The Protest, I actually wrote that Dave was being chased by his worst enemy, Rob, and Dave ran up TO THE ROOF! I seriously did not realize how dumbass I had made Dave in this part. He went to the main hallway.... He should have went to the office,since he was in the main hallway ,where there would be staff to protect him. After I wrote this part, I thought, "Who the hell would go to the roof? Wouldn't they just run to an empty classroom and lock the doors? Then I thought, "A better place would be the office." Well, I did help Dave, in the story anyway. I got Rob to fall off the roof after he lunged at Dave. I had Dave move out of the way. So, I didn't make Dave THAT dumb, after all.

Janice Johnson · 08-05-2009, 08:51 PM

I think I've made Marshall Johnson Academy For Boys in Jacksonville Florida seem like one of the WORST boarding schools in AMERICA!

. You've got Robert Patterson, who ABUSES Dave Winston EVERYDAY, and no one does anything about it. Wouldn't they see unexplained brusies on Dave?

In one story, other people SAW Dave getting beat up by Rob, and ignored it. Remind me not to start choking in front of those students....

Dave probably isn't much better. He cannot stop lying, and seems to ENJOY lying. He also was a cocaine addict, and stole money from students to support his habit. He also hasn't told his parents that he's been dating his boyfriend Max for TWO years. That's a VERY long time to keep your gay relationship in the closet from your parents,(even if your parents are anti-gay people).

Ermm, Dave might be on to something. But, I still think that in two years, he could have said his "friend" (who would really be him)at school was dating another boy, and see how they react.

09-11-2008, 05:44 PM	#1
Janice Johnson Commercial Lover Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: May 30, 2003 Location: Miami, Florida Posts: 4,738	Criticisms of My Own Stories! The laughing smiley is exactly what I am doing.... While I give Darryl a "coma" I'd like to reflect on my wacky stories................... Darryl is supposedly a mugger and a carjacker, but he let a guy beat on him without getting one "lick in." I had another story, which proved that i didn't really know how to write for boys. When I was around 14, I had a story in which Bryan kisses his girlfriend for the first time, and after says to himself, 'I felt relaxed. I felt nervous. I felt like running, I felt like going to sleep. I felt confident. I felt shy....Come on, this part was basically, 'How many antonyms can i fit in one paragragh? Then, I had to put cherry on this "ice cream." I wrote that Bryan was so happy, he ran 2 miles to his house(looking crazy)................... In another story, i wrote that Ryan met a girl named Tracy and told her that he loved her within the first hour of meeting her! Crazy!(Butm, he told her he was jsut playing when she looked scared as hell) He called her like 5 times a day, and they'd only met each other....... And, he spent 90 percent of his time thinking about her and telling her she was the right girl for him(he hadn't even known her for a week yet)... Stalker! He even began asking if he could come over to her house! The only character I can compare Ryan to is Ben from "The Secret Life Of The American Teenager on ABC.... He kind of acts like Ben does for Amy................

09-11-2008, 06:07 PM	#2
tv star collector I Love Susie Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 18, 2005 Location: South Carolina Posts: 4,486	**
	Last edited by tv star collector; 09-12-2008 at 05:49 PM.

05-26-2009, 05:33 PM	#5
Janice Johnson Commercial Lover Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: May 30, 2003 Location: Miami, Florida Posts: 4,738	In my story, The Protest, I actually wrote that Dave was being chased by his worst enemy, Rob, and Dave ran up TO THE ROOF! I seriously did not realize how dumbass I had made Dave in this part. He went to the main hallway.... He should have went to the office,since he was in the main hallway ,where there would be staff to protect him. After I wrote this part, I thought, "Who the hell would go to the roof? Wouldn't they just run to an empty classroom and lock the doors? Then I thought, "A better place would be the office." Well, I did help Dave, in the story anyway. I got Rob to fall off the roof after he lunged at Dave. I had Dave move out of the way. So, I didn't make Dave THAT dumb, after all.
	Last edited by Janice Johnson; 05-26-2009 at 05:59 PM.

09-12-2008, 05:34 PM	#3
Janice Johnson Commercial Lover Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: May 30, 2003 Location: Miami, Florida Posts: 4,738	In one of my Darryl stories, Darryl sees his male roommate and his male dormparent kissing, and when they are caught by him, they say, 'Um, we were just playing.'(They are a couple in the closet) Come on.... I can be naive, but even I wouldn't fall that..... Two guys kissing and they are just playing?...........

05-07-2009, 11:47 AM	#4
Janice Johnson Commercial Lover Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: May 30, 2003 Location: Miami, Florida Posts: 4,738	In my newest story, The Protest.... I unwittingly named two of my characters the SAME NAME! There are two Sams in the protest story...... One is Sam the dormparent, and one is Sam, Dave's friend and a protestor. I was reading my story, and going, "Uh-oh. Somebody might ask why Sam the Dormparent is protesting too......

08-05-2009, 08:51 PM	#6
Janice Johnson Commercial Lover Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: May 30, 2003 Location: Miami, Florida Posts: 4,738	I think I've made Marshall Johnson Academy For Boys in Jacksonville Florida seem like one of the WORST boarding schools in AMERICA! . You've got Robert Patterson, who ABUSES Dave Winston EVERYDAY, and no one does anything about it. Wouldn't they see unexplained brusies on Dave? In one story, other people SAW Dave getting beat up by Rob, and ignored it. Remind me not to start choking in front of those students.... Dave probably isn't much better. He cannot stop lying, and seems to ENJOY lying. He also was a cocaine addict, and stole money from students to support his habit. He also hasn't told his parents that he's been dating his boyfriend Max for TWO years. That's a VERY long time to keep your gay relationship in the closet from your parents,(even if your parents are anti-gay people). Ermm, Dave might be on to something. But, I still think that in two years, he could have said his "friend" (who would really be him)at school was dating another boy, and see how they react.