a word from Brad (Little Mel)

[Hollow]

i managed to get back in touch with brad through his sister-in-law, who i contacted over myspace because she was on his friends list and lived in the same city as him. he emailed me and let me know what's been going on since he stopped posting. he also PMed me to tell me that it would be fine if i posted the email on the boards, since he'll eventually have to tell everyone where he's been.

Hey Sarah,

Kelli let me know that you wrote to her concerned about how I was. Before I say anything else I just want to let you and anyone else who's been concerned about me to know that I'm okay. I am so sorry about the way I pretty much disappeared from the face of the earth, but this last year has turned out to be one hell of a rough one for me mentally, emotionally, financially, and physically, and it has been next to impossible to stay in contact with people the way I'd like to. This is actually the first email I've written in around a year. Man, I don't even know where to start as far as what has happened in my life in the last year. I'm sure you heard that I began a relationship about a year ago. I had been wanting to be with this person for over a year, and last year when I had just about given up, she finally fell for me, and gave me a chance. Well, unfortunately things didn't work out between Donna and I. Unfortunately, me moving in with her turned out to be a big mistake, and in the end, all my mental issues just ended up being too much for her to handle. For the first few months things went great, but then a major bout of my bi-polar came around, and it really hurt our relationship. Donna is one of those always optimistic, half glass full kinds of people, which is one of the things that attracted me most to her, but she just couldn't deal with someone who was the total opposite of her in that regard. And to be honest with you, I can't blame her. Half of the time I can't even stand being around myself, so I can't even imagine how much it must have sucked for her. lol!! But yeah, there was just so much stress involved in our relationship, that it was pretty much inevitable that it wasn't going to last. It's been really hard for me to get over, and I've been battling a real hardcore case of sadness at the loss. I guess it doesn't help that she lives right across the street, and all I have to do is stand up in my room and I can see her house. Another thing that has been going on this year that's been tough has been my brother's drug and alcohol addiction. We almost lost him to drugs, and pretty much everyone knew that if he went on like he had been, that he'd be dead within three years. His habit got so bad that he was spending thousands of dollars a month on various drugs, mostly several different types of pain pills, and that mixed with the 24 beers a day, made for a deadly combination. Basically for the last couple years, but especially in the last year, it has been impossible for me to sleep, because all I'd think about each night was my brother not waking up in the morning. I'll tell you, my pillow has seen more tears over my brother's habit, than a movie theatre that's been playing Terms of Endearment for the last 20 years. The worse time was right after Heath Ledger's death. I looked at the combination of drug's that took his life, and it was nothing compared to the combination, and amounts that my bro took daily. Not to mention the alcohol on top of that. To be honest with you Sara, it's a miracle that he's even still alive today. Fortunately my brother went into rehab three months ago, and has been clean and sober since. Thank God he tried meth!!! That may sound like a crazy sentence, but it was a bad reaction to meth that made it finally click in his mind that he needed help. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a relief it's been, and how much easier it's been to sleep at night these last three months. Unfortunately my brother's sobriety hasn't been good for his marriage, as the idea of living with Kelli sober doesn't sound all that appealing to him. It's ashame, because I love Kelli, but it's pretty much a four gone conclusion that their marriage is over. Kelli is also bi-polar, and struggles with many of the mental illnesses that I have, and my brother just can't deal with it. I heard a report recently that said over 90 percent of marriages with bi-polar partners end in divorce. Sad to hear, but not hard to believe. But the way I look at it, it's better that my bro's marriage ends than his life!! I had another tough thing I went through in the last year that is really hard for me to talk about, and just so you know, the only people who even know about this is my family, and one close personal friend. I did something that I’m absolutely ashamed of and regret, and I’m embarrassed to tell you about, but I figure I owe it to you and everyone else who has thought about me to be totally honest, so I’m going to tell you. I attempted suicide. Just so you know, I’m totally against suicide, and would never in my right mind attempt it, but when I did this, I wasn’t in my right mind quite frankly. What happened was I had run out of all seven of the medications I am currently on. In order for me to get my meds refilled, I need to call my doctor for authorization, and he calls the pharmacy for me. Well, I called my doctors office everyday for a week and a half, and each day the receptionist would tell me that she’d tell him. I’d call back the next day, and each day it was the same thing, oh we’ll tell him. At one point the receptionist even got nasty with me when I called and was a little upset to say the least, and she tried to make me feel like it was my fault that she hadn’t told the doctor. After about three days of this, I was pretty much incompacitated and unable to get out of bed. You hear about people withdrawing from drugs, and what hell that can be, well imagine how it would be times seven, and that was basically what I was going through. What’s worse was that these were all psychiatric meds, so unlike drugs like coke and heroin which gives you terrible physical withdrawels, I was going through physical and mental withdrawels, and as horrible as the physical part was, I would take that over the mental effects without question!! Anyway, it got to the point where I was too weak to even call the doctor, and so I was bed ridden, and sick as a dog. After a little over a week, I was starting to feel better physically, but was still a wreck mentally and I decided to go across the street and tell my mom what was going on. As I was about to cross the street, I noticed a car coming at probably about 35 miles per hour, and without any hesitation or fear, I walked right out in front of the car. Immediately after it happened, the reality and realization of the stupidity of what I did set in, and I was scared half to death. I couldn’t believe that I had just did that. Fortunately for me the guy saw me in time, and came about two feet from running me over. The worst part of the situation was that my mom saw the whole thing. She was getting into her car to get her boyfriend beer and cigarettes, and the whole thing happened right before her eyes. It was at that point that she made a few calls, and I was hospitalized for two weeks. It took my mom going to the doctors office, telling the receptionist what happened, and nearly ripping her head off in order for them to finally get my meds filled. The receptionist has since been fired, and I currently have a new doctor. The receptionist claimed that it was the doctors fault, and my doctor claimed it was her fault. I never trusted either of them, but I’d trust my doctor over her after some of the conversations I’ve had with her, and in dealing with her over the years. Everyone pretty much told me, and are still telling me that I should sue my former doctor for negligence, but I don’t think I’m going to. I’m thankful though that she no longer works there, so hopefully nothing like this will happen to anyone else. That was a really rough time for my whole family though because it happened at the peak of my brother’s addictions, and while a bunch of other issues were going on, and so it was hard for everyone to handle. The hospitalization was good for me though because it got me away from my problems momentarily, and gave me a chance to just focus on fixing myself, and not everything else that was going on around me. It also gave me the chance to be around others who were dealing with many issues similar to mine. I was hospitalized again a few weeks after Donna and I broke up, but unfortunately that stay wasn’t very pleasant. I was so heartbroken at the time that I was pretty much inconsolable. What made the situation worse though was the timing of the breakup. It happened after I was betrayed by someone who I thought was my friend. I had a friend who was in a huge jam. He had let someone rent the spare room in his house. That girl ended up telling her friend she could stay there for a week or two. Next thing you know, the girl she let stay initially for a week ended up moving in her boyfriend who was addicted to drugs, and they ended up making his place there permanent residence. Unfortunately there’s some sort of law that says if someone stays at your house for a certain amount of time that you can’t kick them out for a month, so my so called friend started calling around asking for help. These people ended up stealing over $800.00 in coins from him, and so he needed someone to stay at his place, and watch it in the daytime, and basically act as a bodyguard,or houseguard if you will. Everybody turned him down, and initially I had to as well. I told him that I could probably do it for a week free of charge, (Which was more than anyone else offered), but I told him I couldn’t do it for a whole month. Keep in mind that this was in the midst of all my brother’s problems, and in the midst of me and Donna’s problems, my mom’s health problems, and my own problems etc. Financially it would be too hard for me as well because the amount I make is barely sufficient enough to get me by as it is, and at the time I was paying two rents, on top of various other bills. One of the ways I make more money throughout the month is by doing work for my land lord, and if I stayed at my friends place for a month, I’d have no way to earn that money since my friends house is on the other side of town, and I don’t drive. So anyway, he told me he would reimburse me if I’d do it for a month, and that’s all I needed to hear, so I agreed. I basically spent the next month at his house 24/7, having to listen to a bunch of crazy people high on drugs all day. I’d hear them having sex all day long, and had no way to get away from it because I literally had to be there 24/7. I even put in ear plugs, but even heard them through that. I had no tv, because he had disconnected the cable so that these people wouldn’t have anything to encourage them to try and stay longer. I basically just sat there day in and day out reading, or worrying about the **** load of problems I had going on at home, and trying to figure out how I would fix them. I took care of his dogs, cleaned other people’s messes, you name it, I did it. On mother’s day I woke up pretty sick. When I woke up I went to take a shower. When I got out of the shower it set off his alarm system, and the next thing you know the police and firemen were at the door. When I opened the door, his dogs got loose, and so with the alarm going off, all the neighbors looking on, police questioning me, and me trying to catch and detain these two 100 plus pound dogs that were trying to get away from the blaring noise. Once I got hold of the dogs 10 minutes later, I was finally able to talk to the police, and one of them had the nerve to say, if you were in the shower, why isn’t your hair wet? Basically accusing me of breaking into his place or something. Keep in mind my hair is so short that you cant tell when it’s wet or not. I ended up flicking my hair in her direction, and telling her, well if you don’t believe me, I have the alarm company on the line and they can tell you it was the fire alarm. They ended up going through all my stuff, totally invading my privacy. Later that day my so called friend got home from work and so I was free alarm company on the line and they can tell you it was the fire alarm. They ended up going through all my stuff, totally invading my privacy. Later that day my so called friend got home from work and so I was free to go home for two days since the next two were his days off. I had made a bunch of plans to take my mom out since it was Mother’s Day, but my mom slept all day. Even though up to that point my day had been pretty ****ty, I still had the night, so I went to see Donna. Just seeing her made me feel better. Unfortunately that feeling didn’t last long as she chose that moment to dump me. I was like damn, after everything I just told you, and the day I just had, couldn’t you have broke this news another time?? Crappy thing was, even with this news I still had a few days left that I had to watch Rob’s house, so the next few days weren’t very pleasant to say the least. Here’s where the betrayal part comes in. I had finally gotten through my month from hell and I ended up going to some stupid party he threw. During the whole party he completely avoided me. A few days passed, and I started to wonder when he was going to contact me and pay me the money he owed me. The next day I called him and questioned him about it. He made up some bull**** story about having neighbors over, and told me he’d get back to me tomorrow. Well, he never got back to me tomorrow, and that phone call was the last time I spoke with him. I accidentaly left some of my stuff at his house and you know how I got it back? I opened up my door one day, and found it all sitting on my porch. This coward didn’t even have the guts to confront me, so he left my stuff sitting on the porch like it was a bag of garbage. It was a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff including a tv I had brought for the room I was staying in so I could atleast watch videos, and he left it on my porch. I was lucky that it didn’t get stolen considering I live in one of the five most gang infested neighborhoods in Oregon. I called Donna immediately after this happened to vent, and she couldn’t believe it. After that call, she called a mutual friend of ours and Rob’s to tell her what he had just done, and I couldn’t believe her response. She said, I know, I was in the car behind him. When I heard about what she said, I was shocked, and at that point in time I realized that you truly can’t trust anybody in this world!! I gained a lot of respect for Donna after this though. She had a trip to Mexico planned with the woman who had been in the car behind Rob when he dropped off my stuff, and she ended up telling her off in a five page letter, cancelling her trip with them and going alone, and basically ending the friendship. Regardless of what happened in our relationship, with those actions, she proved to be a true friend. So yeah, that whole thing really sucked. End up wasting a month of my life doing something for someone I thought was a friend, and I end up getting totally screwed. I’m still feeling the financial effects of what he did, and am still working my way out of debt. My landlord had close to a thousand dollars worth of work for me that month which I passed up for that bastard. I never in my life could have even imagined an enemy treating somebody that way after you go out of your way for them, much less a friend. So that was a pretty tough lesson to learn. It’s just been one of those years where it seems like everything goes wrong. It’s funny when I think back. I can’t even tell you how many times I said to my mom, man, if I could just be with Donna, I would be happy. Ha ha ha!! Well, it’s like the song says, be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it all, and then some you don’t want. It’s funny how being in love can make you think that it can solve all your problems. If anything, atleast in my experience, it just made things tougher. With all that said, I still don’t regret a moment of my time with Donna, and wouldn’t take it back. It’s like I told her, even the bad times were good, because I was with you. Anyway, so much other stuff has gone on this year. Health problems with my mom, health problems with myself, fist fights with my mom’s boyfriend, as well as a couple things that I’m not even ready to talk about right now. I really hope I didn’t overwhelm you with this long ass email. Believe me, if I wrote a letter telling you all the chaos that’s gone on in this last year, you’d be reading this for two days. You know the thing I regret the most about not keeping in contact with people, which, by the way I haven’t had internet access all year, But the worst part is that I haven’t stayed in contact with Janice and a couple other really close friends. There’s not a day that goes by that I haven’t thought about Janice, and missed her. Hell, I’ve even had several dreams about her. Iv’e been trying to figure out for the last month what to say to her and a few others who’s friendships I’ve always valued beyond words, despite what my actions have shown. One thing I have realized through all the crap is the importance of friends. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve felt like throwing in the towel and giving up on life, but one thing that keeps me from doing that is knowing that I have a few people out there who really care about me unconditionally. It’s a good feeling to lay your head on your pillow at night knowing that your loved. So I hope those people know how important they are to me, and how important they’ve always been. I do feel in many ways like I’ve been fighting for my life. That may sound dramatic, but it’s really not. Anyone who knows me, and who’s been around me know’s it’s been just that, a fight for life, or at the very least a fight for my sanity. Mental illness really sucks.The average person has no idea what it’s like to have a brain that just doesn’t work right. Having five diagnosed mental illnesses that oftentimes conflict with each other can at times make life damn near impossible. I sometimes wish that I could make a person me for just five minutes so that they could understand what I go through. Not out of any malice or anything like that, but so that they would realize that mental illness is real, and that it’s not just simply a matter of getting over it, or just dealing with it. You don’t say to people with no legs to just walk, or say to people with any physical disease to just deal with it, but since mental illness isn’t as easily noticeable visibly, many people think it doesn’t exist. It does exist, and I hope to God that those people never go through it, or have someone they love go through it, because it’s not easy. For those who honestly think it doesn’t exist, or who try to minimize it, they should look at a picture of my brain scan next to a so called normal persons. I have seen the difference, and mine looks like it’s on crack!! I wouldn’t wish what my family goes through because of my problems on any family EVER!!! That’s the crappiest part about it. Seeing what my mom has gone through, and what she has to deal with daily because of me, is something I’ll never be able to forgive myself for. Sure, it’s not my fault I have all these problems, but it’s certainly not hers, and she shouldn’t have to go through that. Anyway, I really don’t know what’s next for me. I’m really going through a rough time right now, and have been trying to figure out what my next step is going to be for making myself better. Right now I’m just so unhappy, and really have a grudge against life. I know that many others have it much worse, and don’t have the things in life that I have, but it’s not even about that. I could have everything in this entire world materialistically, and it wouldn’t change the fact that I have a gnawing, excrutiatingly painful hole in my heart. It’s like the people who’s response to your sadness is always, well there’s a lot of people who have it worse than you. It’s as if they think the fact that kids are starving in Africa and you’re not, is suppose to make you feel better. It’s like, I’m sitting here in misery trying to figure out how I’m going to make it through another day, and so I’m sorry that my mind isn’t on all the people who supposedly have it worse than me. Walk a mile in my shoes, and then tell me how much worse they have it. Last time I saw that starving kid on tv, he was smiling. Ask me the last time I smiled, and I wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. I’m sure you know that my last remark is a reference to the fact that you can’t always tell what a person’s going through by outward appearances, and in no way is minimalizing serious issues such as starvation. My counselor thinks I need to be hospitalized for an extended period of time so that I can get the proper help, therapy, and treatment I need. My family thinks I should too, so I might do that. I do have to do something though, because I can’t live this way forever. It’s unnatural. I’ve been getting my meds from a doctor who’s not trained in psychiatric issues for years now, so I think I definitely need to see someone who truly knows what I need. In the meantime I just ask that you would please keep me in your thoughts, and/or prayers. It would mean more to me than any word can ever express. And I want you to feel free to share any of what I’ve brought up to anyone at S.O. who has been concerned about me, or has wondered where I’ve been, and please ask them to pray for me as well. Please don’t bring up any of this on myspace because I’ve brought up some personal stuff about my bro and his wife who are myspace friends of mine, and they probably wouldn’t be too comfortable knowing that others know that stuff. Anyway, it really means a lot to me that you were concerned about me. When Kelli told me that you wrote, I was really touched, because you’ve always been someone who I’ve respected, and felt like I could relate to. Even though we’ve never known each other very well, just reading your words over the years has really given me a sense of the kind of person you are, and it’s extremely obvious that you’re a good person. And you’re real too, which seems to be another trait lacking in this world today. There’s not a whole lot of people in this world who I can honestly feel like I can relate to, but I hope you realize the sincerity in my words when I say that you’re someone who I’ve always felt like I could relate to, And that’s the truth!!! Anyway, I received a laptop from my dad for my birthday, so I will most likely be getting back online real soon. I can’t say that I will be on S.O. as much as I once was, because quite frankly I’d be lying if I did, but I will be back to post occasionally, and I will be in touch. Thanks again for writing. I’ll talk to you soon!!


Sincerely,

Brad

[Mr. Television]

Originally Posted by safety pin

i managed to get back in touch with brad through his sister-in-law, who i contacted over myspace because she was on his friends list and lived in the same city as him. he emailed me and let me know what's been going on since he stopped posting. he also PMed me to tell me that it would be fine if i posted the email on the boards, since he'll eventually have to tell everyone where he's been.

Wow. He's realy been through alot. Thanks for posting this Sarah. I hope everything turns out alright for Brad. He's always been one of the greatest members of SO and he's such a nice person too.

[Janice]

That's a heartbreaking e-mail. Brad's been to hell and back. I have to write to him. All this time, I figured he was happy and in love. Still, when he didn't pop up here for the Christmas holidays last year, a part of me felt that something wasn't quite right.

Sarah, thanks for investigating this, getting to the bottom of it, and for posting Brad's message. I feel guilty that I didn't pursue it. Brad has the kindest and most gentle heart and spirit that a person could have. I feel very bad for him.

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

Wow, the poor guy. I hope things get better for him.

[Nighthawk76]

I hope that things get better for Brad. He deserves happiness.

[LuLu Rogers]

I miss Brad so much, I hate that he's been through such a difficult time.

[Brian Damage]

Brad was a great guy...IS a great guy. I hope he gets better. Hey Brad, come back soon buddy.

[Theda Bara]

Thank You, Sarah; for taking the time and finding out about Brad..

Brad, if you are reading this. I am your friend. PERIOD. I think you are a wonderful person. And, I am always there if you need me, ALWAYS!!!!

[TripperFan]

Thanks Sarah for getting this for us.

I kinda had the feeling things weren't going well for Brad because I know how I haven't been posting because of what I've been going through too.

I have the same problem with my doctor's office - can never get past the stupid answering machine or receptionist to get needed refills. He's also a 2 hour drive away for me now. They should be shot - they know how we really do need these medications.

Brad - you're too good a person for this to be happpening to. You do sound strong though and as usual, very wise (especially for your age).

If you are reading this, keep in mind we're always here for you and you'll never be forgotten. You're deep in our hearts and a huge part of the SO family.

Much love,
Cathie

[Brad Russ]

Hi everybody!! It is so nice to hear from all of you. I am so sorry that I had you guys so worried about me. As you read, it has been an extremely difficult year for me. I basically went from being a shut in, to being a person who was hardly ever in in the course of a year, and it has been quite a shock on my system to say the very least. I have been dealing with debilitating depression over the last few months, and have finally taken a few steps towards making myself better. I called my case manager on Monday informing him of my situation, and he was able to get me a psychiatrist who I got to see today. It turned out to be a very useful meeting as he found out I have borderline personality disorder. He also was shocked when I told him the medication that I had been taking, and told me it's no wonder I have been having such a rough time, and that no psychiatrist in their right mind would have treated me with the meds that I have been on in the last few years. When I mentioned the name of my old doctor who had acted so irresponsibly, he shook his head, and told me he was very aware of him. Turns out this doctor has an even worse rep than even I knew. Anyway, my psychiatrist is weaning me off all but two of my current meds, and has prescribed me with a combination of drugs that should help me to feel much better very soon. As I mentioned in my email to Sarah, I am not currently online because of financial issues. I am still over $700.00 in debt and so I'm going to have to pay that off before I can get back online full time. Fortunately though I have quite a bit of work lined up this month, and so I should be debt free and back online very soon. I'm guessing two months at the most. In the meantime though I will get on and post whenever I can. I might even join one of those free internet trial offers so that I'll be able to get online anytime, but I'll have to wait and see what I can find. Once again, I thank you all sooo much for your love and support during these extremely difficult times!! After what happened to me with my friend who screwed me over, I haven't been feeling too good about people as of late. You all have helped me to realize that despite that experience, I do have people out there who genuinely love and care about me, and that means the world to me!! It's easy to take for granted the importance of friends, but I can guarantee you all, that after that experience, I will never do that again. I love you guys' sooooooooooooooooo much, and I thank God that I have you in my life!!! Please keep me in your prayers!! I'm going through alot of emotional issues right now, and with the changes in my meds, these next couple months are sure to be pretty difficult, so your prayers would be invaluable. I Love You All Very Much, and I'll be keeping you updated on my progress.

[Theda Bara]

Brad!!!
Sweetie, you know I love you, a lot. And, I miss you, too=)

[LuLu Rogers]

BRAD!!!!!!!! *tackles him with kisses*

[Brad Russ]

Originally Posted by Hollywood Rock Chic

Brad!!!
Sweetie, you know I love you, a lot. And, I miss you, too=)

I Love You Soooo Much Tara, and am so glad you're still in my life. There hasn't been a single day over the past year that I haven't thought about you, and wished that I could magically make you appear and be with me. Especially during the rough times. You always know just what to say to put a smile on my face even during the toughest times. When you look up the word friend in the dictionary, there should be a picture of you, because you're the true definition of that word!!! To be totally honest with you Tara, I've always considered you to be more than a friend, but family. I love You My Friend, and God Bless You!!!!!!!!!

[*InThisMoment*]

I know we never talked or anything, but I had been wondering where you disappeared off to when I stopped seeing you posting around here. My SN used to be .:Dorky_W00tage:, if you remember me. Anyway, that was a super long e-mail but I read it all. I'm sorry to hear so much crap has been going on in your life. I hope things start to look up for you really soon, and I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Theda Bara]

Originally Posted by Little Mel

I Love You Soooo Much Tara, and am so glad you're still in my life. There hasn't been a single day over the past year that I haven't thought about you, and wished that I could magically make you appear and be with me. Especially during the rough times. You always know just what to say to put a smile on my face even during the toughest times. When you look up the word friend in the dictionary, there should be a picture of you, because you're the true definition of that word!!! To be totally honest with you Tara, I've always considered you to be more than a friend, but family. I love You My Friend, and God Bless You!!!!!!!!!

Brad, that is because I love you like you are my brother. Damn, there was a time, actually more than once, that I was tempted to drive up to Oregon to see if you were okay..But, remember, sweetie. I love you, a lot. You are always in my prayers and in my heart. Stay strong. And, also keep the faith...