My first Seinfeld Fan Fiction! Harbored Feelings

[Schmoopie]

I got the idea for this story after seeing Jerry in Vegas last month (wow, hard to believe that was a month ago!), so I hope you'll read and enjoy!

This is not a typical Seinfeld episode, but rather a romantic comedy-ish story that just came to me. I got the idea from reading some other Jerry/Elaine fan fiction stories on Fanfiction.net.

So I'm going to post what I have so far (I'm almost finished with it but not quite) and I hope that you all will feel free to comment on it. I tried to make it as funny as possible and more importantly tried to capture the characters as much as possible.

Since it's a story about Jerry and Elaine (and a romance at that), they will be a little different, but what the heck...

So here we go....

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 1
“Can you believe it?” Jerry Seinfeld exclaimed as he sat with George, Kramer and Elaine in the prison cafeteria. “We’re actually getting out of here tomorrow!”

“Thank God...” Elaine groaned. She shoved her mashed potatoes around on her plate. “I cannot take this food ANYMORE! Look at me!” She tugged at her orange jumpsuit that had been her wardrobe for the past year. “I must have lost ten pounds!”

“And you’re complaining?” Jerry asked, incredulous. “I thought women loved it when they lost weight.”
“Yeah, but not in PRISON, JERRY!” Elaine yelled, attracting glances from other inmates.

“I’ll tell you what I’m not going to miss...” George said. “All those guys asking for my phone number.”
“I think you mean women, don’t you George?” Jerry asked.
“Do I?” George asked, nodding at the look of astonishment on Jerry’s face.

”Oh man, I can’t WAIT to get out of here.” Kramer said. “Harvey and I are gonna go into business together.”
”Who’s Harvey?” George asked.
“Cell Block D”. Kramer replied.

George was shocked. “You asked a murderer to go into business with you? What are you, crazy?”
“He’s not a murderer.” Kramer said.
“George scoffed. “Yeah, and the Soup Nazi is a saint!”

“Oh man, I would love to have a bowl of crab bisque right now.” Jerry said dreamily. “If only someone hadn’t interfered!”

All three men glared at Elaine.

“You’re defending the Soup Nazi? He’s the reason we’re in this place!” Elaine yelled, turning heads once more.
“Elaine, I tried to tell you...” said Jerry. “Let the man make his soup!”

“But Jerry, I-“

Jerry shushed her. “I’m trying to be on my best behavior! I want to get out of here, because I have some shows lined up.”
”Really?” George asked. “How did you manage that?”

Jerry motioned for the others to lean in closer. “Well, I snuck in a few extra phone calls yesterday.” He whispered.

“Did you call NBC about our pilot?” George asked.
Exasperated, Jerry threw his hands in the air. “No, George... I did not call NBC about the pilot.”
George rose to his feet. “Well, why not?! Jerry, we were this close! This close! It could have been a big hit!”

“George, shut up!” Jerry hissed. “We’ll get sent to solitary confinement!”

“Come on, Jerry!” George pleaded. “They said they’d be willing to look at it again!”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Jerry said.
Frustrated, George threw down his napkin and slumped into his chair; defeated. “All right. You win.”

“Hey, don’t you guys want to hear about my new business proposition?” Kramer asked.
“No!” said Jerry, George and Elaine in unison.
“Ah man! It was a brilliant idea!” Kramer whined.

Jerry rolled his eyes. “All right, Cosmo, what’s this brilliant idea of yours?”
Suddenly a gleam of enthusiasm shone in Kramer’s eyes. “Okay, listen to this...” He paused for a brief second, smiling at his three friends, watching in anticipation.

“Make-your-own merchandise.” Kramer said. He stepped away from the table and gave his friends a proud smile, pausing for effect.
Jerry, George and Elaine stared blankly at one another.

“You’re kidding, right?” Jerry said with a smirk on his face.
“No, I’m not. This is genius! See-“

”Make your own merchandise?” Elaine scoffed. “What the hell is that?”
Kramer smiled. “Well you go into the store and-“

“Hold on a minute...” Jerry interrupted. “Why would anyone want to pay to have to make their own products? That’s what manufacturers are for!”
“Well Newman is in on it too, and-“
”Oh well, there’s a comforting thought.” Jerry said.

“Uh oh... Here comes trouble.” Elaine said as three guards approached their table.
“Come on, get up you four. It’s time to go.” The burly man said. He grabbed George and Elaine by the forearm.
”Ouch, Let go of me!” Elaine yelled, struggling to release his grip on her.

“Excuse me...” George began. “I don’t mean for this to sound rude, but you’re hurting this innocent woman.”
“Innocent, huh?” The guard said. “Well if she was innocent, she wouldn’t be in here!” The two other men started laughing.
George laughed nervously. “Okay, see now that was rude, but I’m willing to let it slide if you’ll just...”
“George!” Jerry said. “What are you doing?”
“Well, Jerry, it’s obvious he’s hurting her!” George said.
“Come on, let’s go.” The second guard said. “The signal sounded to go back to your cells almost four minutes ago.”
“Please, sir. I’m begging you...” Elaine whimpered. “Let go of my arm!”
“Not a chance, lady! Now MOVE IT!” The guard yelled, tightening his grip on her Elaine’s arm. The force of his voice caused them all to jump.

“All right, ENOUGH!” Kramer yelled, startling the guard. “You are a jackass, you know that? Let go of the woman’s arm NOW!”

Jerry, George and Elaine looked at Kramer in horror.

“What was that, Kramer?” The guard asked, releasing his grip on Elaine’s arm.
“You heard me, you’re a JACKASS!” Kramer yelled.

Unbelievably the guard was unfazed by Kramer’s insult.
Kramer noticed Jerry and George’s looks of horror and winked.

“How did you like that, boys?” he asked when the guard turned away.

“Wow... Even Superman doesn’t even have that kind of power!” Jerry quipped.
“Jerry! We could die here and you’re making jokes?” George asked.

“Come on, Funny man! You too, Tubby” the guard said he and the second guard grabbed Jerry and George and escorted them out of the cafeteria.
“Tubby?” George repeated. “Did you hear that, Jerry?”
“Yes, George...” Jerry said under his breath. “Just let it go, will ya?”

Meanwhile Elaine was being pulled away by the other guard. “Bye Jerry!” She waved as they reached the door. “See you tomorrow!” For added effect, she winked at George, Jerry and Kramer as they disappeared into the hallway.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 2
Back in Cell Block A

“Hey Kramer...” George said hours later. “How come you weren’t dragged out of the cafeteria like Jerry and I? You were the one who started it.”
“I have connections.” Kramer said with a click of his tongue and a raise of his eyebrows.
George scoffed. “Connections... like who? Your little murderer friend?”

”Hey...“ Jerry interrupted before Kramer could answer. “Did anyone notice anything different about Elaine today? She seemed upset.”
“Well, I’d be upset too if I had to be around all those tough women prisoners. They’re killers!” Kramer said.
“Gee, I never thought about that.” Jerry said. She must have been terrified. No wonder she was so edgy at dinner.”

Just then, they heard a guard shouting in the hallway;
“Dead man walking! Dead man walking!”

George sprang to his feet. “Dead man walking? What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, it’s what they say when they are getting ready to execute someone.” Jerry said.
“Execute someone? HERE? Oh my GOD!” George yelled. He broke out into a sweat and his voice suddenly rose several octaves.

“You know what I don’t get...” Jerry said.
George threw up his hands. “Here we go...”
“They always ask death row inmates if they have any last requests. I think my last request would be for them not to kill me.”
Kramer burst out laughing, while George simply rolled his eyes.

“LIGHTS OUT!” A voice boomed from the hallway. Seconds later the cell went black.
“WAIT!” Kramer yelled. “I can’t see!”
“Kramer, they’ve been doing this every night for a year!” George said. “It still freaks you out?”
“I’m afraid of the dark!” Kramer whined.
“Oh good God...” Jerry groaned. “Goodnight, Kramer.”

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 3
(Cell Block A-The next morning)

Jerry, George and Kramer paced the small cell. “What time do you think they’ll come for us?” George asked.
“Beats me.” Jerry said. “How are you getting home from the airport?”
”My parents.” George replied.
“Your parents?” Jerry asked.
“Yeah, they insisted. I’m telling you, Jerry... this is going to be worse than prison! What about you?”
”Oh, I’ll probably just share a cab home with Elaine. I know she’ll be glad to get out of here.” Jerry said.

“What about you, Cosmo? How are you getting home?”
“Oh wait, don’t tell me... “George said.
“You’ve got connections.” George and Jerry said in unison
“Oh... yeah!” Kramer said.

Just then they heard footsteps approaching. “The warden!” Jerry whispered loudly. As if on cue, the three men formed a perfect line and faced the bars of their cell.
“Gentlemen...” The warden said with a glance of his watch. “Looks like it’s about that time.”
Jerry, Kramer and George said nothing; just stared straight ahead.
They could hear the clinking of a lock being opened. The moment was nearing.

“Come with me, Gentlemen.”

They followed the warden down the hallway and into a small room. Suddenly it hit them what was about to happen.

***
(Later that morning)
Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer stood in line at the prison office. One by one, they approached the window and were handed their belongings.

“Oh my God... This is it! Our own clothes! My purse!” Elaine said excitedly.

“My notebook!” Jerry yelled as though he were a kid on Christmas morning. He quickly skimmed through the material, which he planned to use in his upcoming shows.
“These aren’t funny...” He looked at Kramer and George. “Why did I think these were funny?”
They shrugged in response.

Finally the moment came. They were standing at the prison door, waiting....

And freedom came at last.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 4
Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer stood outside the baggage claim terminal at La Guardia International Airport.

“Well, I guess this is it.” Jerry said.
“What do you mean, it?” George asked. “It’s not like we’re moving away. We’re just... going home.”
“Yeah, but it’s bound to be different.” Elaine said, knowing that it was the understatement of the century.

”I guess it will be different.” Jerry added. “After all, we’ve been in confined quarters for a year.”

“He’s right.” Kramer said. “Hey, what do you think things will be like?”

“You mean now that we’re free?” George asked. “God, I love that word... freedom. It takes on a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?”

Jerry shrugged. “I just hope everything in my apartment is still the same. I probably have a ton of messages on my answering machine, not to mention the mail that’s piled up.”

The foursome walked into the muggy New York air. “Ugh!” Elaine said. “I know one thing that hasn’t changed; this weather!”

Just then a car approached.

“That’s my ride.” Kramer said, wearing a proud smile.
George was astounded. “A limousine? Boy, you really DO have connections!”

“I’ll see you guys later.” Kramer said as the driver began to put his belongings in the trunk. Just as Kramer was about to enter the limo, he heard Elaine calling him.

“Kramer!”

He looked up to find her running toward him. “Oh hey, Elaine.”
To his amazement, she threw her arms around him and kissed him on the cheek.
“Goodbye, Kramer. I’ll miss you!”
“Ooooh la la!” Kramer said, holding her tightly.
After a few seconds, she managed to break free of his grasp. “Okay, that’s enough.”

Jerry looked at George. “I guess we should say something too.”
”Well, okay... but I’m not going to kiss him!” George said.

George walked over to Kramer and shook his hand. “It’s been fun, Kramer.” Then he paused. “Well, maybe fun isn’t the right word...”
Kramer slapped George squarely on the back. “Goodbye, little buddy.”
“Oof!” George coughed. “I’ll miss you too, Kramer!”

“Well Cosmo...” Jerry said, shaking Kramer’s hand. “This really isn’t goodbye since you live right across the hallway, but...”
Kramer started to choke up and pulled Jerry into a fierce hug. After a few seconds, he let go. “Hey, you want a ride?”
Jerry glanced at Elaine. “No, I’m fine, thanks. I’ll just take a cab.”
“Well, okay, then... Let’s giddy up!” Kramer called to the driver.

“That Kramer...” George laughed as the limousine drove away.

Minutes later, another car approached.
“Oh God...” George said, burying his face in his hands.

Puzzled, Elaine looked at Jerry.
“His parents.” Jerry whispered.
“His parents? He let his parents pick him up from prison?”
Jerry shrugged. “This is George we’re talking about.”
”Oh, right.” Elaine said.

“George!” Estelle yelled, as she bolted out of the car and crushed her son in her arms.
“Ma! You’re choking me!” George winced.
“Leave him alone, Estelle.” Frank bellowed. “I want to see my son!”

George did his best to appear enthusiastic. ”Hey Dad! How’s it going?”
He went to give his father a hug, but flinched when Frank slapped him on the back of his head.
“Ouch! What was that for?”
”Why in the hell did you get yourself arrested?” Frank yelled.
George groaned. “Dad, we’ve already discussed this! See, what happened was-“
“Get in the car! We’ll talk about it when we get home!” Frank roared.

George turned to Jerry and Elaine. “Well, I guess this is it.” He shook Jerry’s hand and kissed Elaine on the cheek.
“George, NOW!” Estelle yelled.
George rolled his eyes toward Jerry and Elaine. “See ya!”

”Good luck!” Jerry called as the Costanza’s drove away.
Elaine laughed. “He’s gonna need it!”
”Tell me something I don’t know!” Jerry said.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 5
There was a long silence as Jerry and Elaine stood in alone on the sidewalk.
“Hey...” Elaine finally said. “Why didn’t Kramer take you home? You live right across the hall.”
Jerry shrugged. “Well, he offered...”
Elaine looked at Jerry in surprise. “You turned down a ride in a limousine?”
“Well, I didn’t want you to have to wait here by yourself.” Jerry said.

Elaine blushed. “Jerry....”

“Taxi!” Jerry yelled as a cab approached. It came to a halt right in front of them.
“Now that’s service!” Jerry said to the cab driver.

Jerry and Elaine climbed into the cab, and Jerry instructed the driver to drop off Elaine at her apartment.
”But Jerry, don’t you want to go home first?” Elaine asked.
Jerry waved her off. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Besides, the thought of running into Newman again makes me want to go back to prison!”
Elaine laughed. “Tell me about it.”

They rode in silence and before they realized it, they had arrived at Elaine’s building.
“Well... here we are.” Jerry said.
“Yep... home sweet home...” Elaine said as she opened the door and stepped out of the cab. “Well, I’ll see you.”
“Hey wait.” Jerry said. “Let me help you.” He quickly paid the driver and grabbed Elaine’s things.
Almost immediately after he exited the cab and shut the door, it sped away.

“Geez, you’d think he’d never driven an ex-con before!” Jerry quipped.
Elaine groaned. “Oh God, Jerry. We ARE ex-cons, aren’t we?”
The thought completely depressed her.
”And we’re damn good ones!” Jerry said...

Together they walked into Elaine’s building and went inside. “Jerry, you really don’t have to do this. Let me get you another cab.” Elaine said.
“It’s no trouble, really. “I’ll just help you take this stuff up to your apartment.” Jerry said.

When they reached her door, there was a strange, uncomfortable silence.
Shyly Elaine looked at Jerry. “I-I should probably go inside. There’s no telling what I’ll find when I open that door.”
Jerry nervously shuffled his feet. “Yeah, sounds like a good idea.”

Elaine’s hand trembled as she inserted her key and opened the door. She looked around in amazement to find that nothing had changed.

A rush of excitement came over her. ”Oh my... Jerry! Look at this! It’s exactly the same!” Without thinking, she threw her arms around Jerry and held him close.

They were so close that Elaine could smell the musky scent of Jerry’s cologne. His fingertips touched her hair and she could feel his breath on her neck.
Elaine closed her eyes “Jer...”

Suddenly the memories came flooding back and she feverishly pulled away.
“Lainey? Are you okay?” Jerry asked.

Oh God, that name. Lainey. Jerry hadn’t called her that since...

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. I should probably get going myself. Puddy’s probably mad because I haven’t called him. You know how men are...” She laughed nervously.
Jerry smiled. “Well, I do know a thing or two about men.”

“Well, hopefully I’ll see you around sometime.” Something inside of her wanted him to stay.... so badly.
“I’ll call you, okay?” Jerry said. “It could take months for me to go through all those phone messages, but I’ll definitely call.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that!” Elaine said.
Suddenly, she had to fight to keep her emotions at bay.

“Well... goodnight.” Jerry said. He leaned over to kiss Elaine’s cheek and his lips brushed against her mouth.

The sensation she felt was unlike anything she’d ever felt before.

“Goodnight, Jerry.” She said, hoping he didn’t hear the unmistakable trembling in her voice.

She watched him walk away from her door and down the staircase, waving at him when he reached the bottom. Tears blurred her vision as she returned to her apartment.

Wanting one last glimpse, she went to the front window and watched him as he stood on the sidewalk, waving his arms, trying to get a taxi’s attention.

Seconds later a taxi slowed down. Elaine’s lip began to tremble as she watched him enter the taxi and disappear from sight.

And then she could hold back her tears no longer....

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 6
Stop it, Benes! Enough is enough!

Elaine turned off the TV and crossed the room, and then stared into the bathroom mirror as she splashed water on her tear-streaked face.

God, what has gotten into you?

Why couldn’t she get Jerry out of her mind? And that kiss....
But it wasn’t a “kiss” in the romantic sense. He was only trying say goodbye... Why read anything into it?

Get a grip, Elaine. You and Jerry were finished years ago. You were never meant to be anything more than friends. And besides, you have David.

Oh God... David.
How could she have forgotten David Puddy? She loved him!

Okay, NOW you’re starting to lose it. Sure you care about the man, but love? That’s a pretty strong word, even for you, Elaine.

Still, she should call him; he was probably worried sick. Quickly, she went to her answering machine to check her message. Her heart beat rapidly as she waited for the sound of his voice, telling her how much he missed her.

But it never came.

She shrugged. She couldn’t blame him for not calling. He probably felt awkward, calling her after a year.

Then she had an idea.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 7
“Hey!” George yelled when Jerry walked into Monk’s Diner.
“Georgie!” Jerry yelled back. He slid into his usual seat in the front booth and gave his friend a high five. ”Long time no see!”

With a smile, Jerry looked around his old hang out. “It’s good to be home.”
“Isn’t it though?” George said with an unusual amount of enthusiasm. “Seriously, Jerry this is the greatest moment of my life.”
Jerry looked at George in amazement. “Right now? This very moment?”
“Right now!” George said. “Sad, isn’t it?”
‘Very.”

The waitress came over to take their order. “Hey Seinfeld! You got out of the slammer! What will you have?”
“It’s nice to see you too, April.” Jerry said sarcastically.

He grabbed the menu and skimmed it.

“You need to look at the menu? We’ve been here a million times!” George said.

Jerry smiled at the April. “I’ll have a tuna sandwich.”
George was appalled. ”Tuna sandwich? You’ve been in jail for a year and your first week of freedom you ask for a tuna sandwich?”
“You’re right. You know what? Forget the tuna. I’ll have the Filet Mingnon instead.”
April smiled. “We don’t have-“
“See George? They don’t have it.” Jerry said. “I’ll just have to settle for the tuna.”

George laughed as April went back to the kitchen to get Jerry’s order.

“So, how are things at the apartment?” George asked.
“Things seem to be okay. No one robbed the place and it only took a few days to sort out my mail and return my phone calls. I was sure it would take months.” Jerry replied.
“Did you, uh, run into Newman?”
Jerry scoffed. “Oh Newman. Wouldn’t you know he was the first person I ran into when I got home?”
”Geez, I bet that was a nightmare!” George said.
“You’re telling me!” Jerry said. “And to top it off, those bastards in Vancouver canceled my shows!”

”WHAT!?” George yelled, narrowly avoiding spilling Jerry’s iced tea. “How could they do that? Did they say why?”
”They didn’t think it was appropriate to have a ‘convict comedian’ as a form of entertainment!”
“Like Canada doesn’t have criminals.” George said.
“Exactly!”
“So, what did you do?”
“What do you think I did?” Jerry said. “I gave the guy a piece of my mind. I didn’t risk my life making unauthorized phone calls from prison for nothing.”

George was overcome with excitement. “Okay, okay... so then what happened?”
“Well then the guy told me to go to Hell.”
”Wait a minute, wait a minute! He told you to go to Hell?”
“He sure did!” Jerry said.
“So what did you say?”
“I told him he can go to Hell first and I’ll meet him there!”
George burst into a fit of laughter. “That’s great! Did you hang up on him?”

Jerry shrugged. “Well yeah, but it’s not the same with a cordless phone. I miss the days when you could take the receiver and SLAM IT DOWN!”

“Hey, how’s Elaine doing? Have you talked to her?”

“Just the other day when we came home from the airport.”

”You shared a cab with her, right?

“Yeah, why?”

”No reason.” George said. Trying to act casual, he leaned back against the seat.

“Come on! Out with it!” Jerry said.

“I have to know! Did anything happen?”
“Did anything happen? Like what?”
“You know.... intimacy?” George said the last word in a whisper.

“What are you, thirteen? Why are you whispering?” Jerry asked.
“Never mind that!” George said. “I’m dying here!

Jerry sighed. “All right.”
”So?”
”Nothing happened!” Jerry said.

George laughed. “Yeah right. You’re lying. I can see it all over your face!”
“I’m telling you, nothing happened! Why are you so obsessed with this?”
“Well, because I’m.... well.... I’m me!” George said.
Jerry rolled his eyes. “That’s for sure!”

“Nothing happened, huh?” George asked.

Jerry ignored him and continued to eat his sandwich.
Then suddenly he stopped eating.

”Actually something did happen.” Jerry said.

Elated, George slapped his hand on the table. “I KNEW it!”

”It’s not what you think.” Jerry said.
“So... tell me! You’re killing me here!” George pleaded.

Jerry sighed. “Okay, I’ll tell you.”
George smiled and rubbed his hands together in anticipation of Jerry’s story.

”Well, the cab pulled up in front of her apartment and I walked her to the door. It was pretty awkward, which is weird because Elaine always has something on her mind.”

George scoffed. “Yeah, tell me about it!”

“So anyway, we were standing there and I was going to give her a hug. But then I changed my mind. I mean, we saw each other every day in close quarters for a YEAR! I felt like I owed her a more personal goodbye.”

“A personal goodbye....” George pondered. “I like it! So then what happened?”

“I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek and-“
“I am very familiar with the kiss on the cheek. Big fan of the cheek kiss.” George said.

“Are you through?” Jerry asked.
”Sorry.” George replied.

“So I lean over to kiss her on the cheek, but I missed.” Jerry said.
“Wait! Wait! Stop! Back up!” George yelled. He used his hands for effect. “What do you mean, ‘missed’?”

Jerry leaned towards George. “I had my eyes closed and I realized that I had kissed the corner of her mouth instead of her cheek.”

“Holy Cow, Jerry! So what did she do?”

“That’s the thing; it was completely weird, even for Elaine. She seemed to be in a hurry to go inside and I could swear that she had tears in her eyes.”
“She cried?” George asked in bewilderment.
“She came pretty close. I don’t understand it, George. Elaine hardly ever cries.”
“Wow...” George said. “This is big!”
“It’s not big!” Jerry said. “I just felt bad for her, you know? I feel like I should apologize, but I don’t know what to say.”

George waved him off. “Why apologize? It’s just Elaine. She’ll get over it.”
Jerry sighed. “I guess.”

Seeing that Jerry was concerned about Elaine, George changed the subject.
“I’m, uh, going out with Charlene tonight.”
”The woman you met at the cemetery?” Jerry asked.
“That’s the one. Can you believe it? Meeting a woman at my Aunt Grace’s funeral?”
”No George... I really can’t.”

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 8
Elaine ran a brush through her long curly hair and smiled at the reflection in her bedroom mirror.
”Hellloooooo, Gorgeous!”
She smoothed her dress, making sure she looked absolutely perfect. She didn’t want so much as a wrinkle to appear. Not for this visit.

Excitedly she ran out of the house and hailed a taxi. “I need to go to West 69th Street” she told the driver.
As they headed toward David Puddy’s apartment, Elaine’s nervousness grew. What would she say? She missed him so much and they had been apart for far too long. She would never break up with him again.

Finally they arrived at the tall brick building. Elaine paid the driver and got out of the taxi. Then she noticed the taxi driver looking her up and down.
”Excuse me? What are you doing?” she asked.
“You’re a very pretty lady!” The taxi driver said.

Elaine smiled at the scruffy looking driver. “Oh... well...” Casually she tossed her head, swinging her dark mane around her neck.

”Say... what are you doing tomorrow night?” the driver asked.
Elaine’s stomach churned at the thought of being near this man, so she giggled sweetly. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Angrily, the driver took off, as a gust of wind ruffled her hair.
“JERK!” she yelled as the taxi grew smaller and smaller in the distance.

She walked to the front of the brick building and pulled open the heavy door. The lobby was exactly as she remembered it; mahogany wood panels and plush chairs.

Suddenly she couldn’t wait to see David.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 9
It seemed to take forever to call for an elevator and even longer to reach David’s floor. Finally the elevator doors opened and she found herself in his hallway. She could feel her heart beating rapidly as she made her way to Apartment 16 G.

Once she arrived, she paused momentarily in order to regain her composure.
Then she knocked.
She could hear the sound of footsteps and the rattling of the doorknob.
And then the door opened.

”Dav-“she said, ready to throw herself in his arms.

But it wasn’t David.

“Sue Ellen?”
“Sue Ellen Mishiki?”

“Elaine!” Sue Ellen cried, flinging her arms around her friend. “Oh my God, I’ve been so worried about you! Are you okay?”
”Yeah. I’m... fine.” Elaine said. “What are you doing here?”

Sue Ellen laughed. “That’s funny, Elaine. ‘What are you doing here?’ “

Elaine stared at Sue Ellen in bewilderment. “Am I missing something?”
“You’ve been away a long time.” Sue Ellen said. “Come on in. Make yourself at home.”

Puzzled, Elaine followed Sue Ellen into David’s apartment. She looked around in amazement. Gone were the endless displays of sports memorabilia and beer bottles. In their place were unmistakably feminine touches.

”Sue Ellen, what...”

“Why, David!” Sue Ellen purred. “Look who’s here!”

Elaine smiled at her boyfriend. She’d forgotten how handsome he was. Quickly she crossed the room and stood before him.

“Hey, Elaine.” David said in a voice that he usually reserved for his sports buddies.
Elaine wrapped her arms around him, and rested her head on his shoulder. Now this is what she’d been waiting for....

“Oh my God, David. I’ve missed you so much! I can’t wait until we can-“

Suddenly she realized that he was physically pushing her away. “What are you doing?” She asked; dismayed at his strange behavior.
“This isn’t appropriate.” David said.
Elaine was astonished.
“This isn’t appropriate?” She repeated. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She saw David glance at Sue Ellen and nod.

”Sue Ellen, would you please tell me what in the hell is going on here? What’s David doing in your apartment? I mean, what are you doing in his? I mean-“

“David and I live here. “ Sue Ellen said, giving David a smile.

Elaine suddenly felt dizzy and sank into a nearby chair.
”You live here? But what about Pinter? And all that money you spent on your wedding in India?”

Sue Ellen sighed. “It just didn’t work out.”
“Didn’t work out? Why do you sound so casual about it?” Elaine asked; growing more curious by the second.
Sue Ellen giggled. “He just wasn’t the right guy for me.”

”So that’s why you’re living here with David? Wait... how do you two even know each other?”

Sue Ellen smiled sweetly at David.
“Oh... we met about eleven months ago at Monk’s Diner. Poor thing was in a corner booth all alone. He looked so lonely, that I just had to go over and talk to him.”

Elaine swallowed hard. “Eleven months ago? But that was right after-“
”After the trial, yeah.” Sue Ellen said. “And then two months ago the most wonderful thing happened!

Elaine sat motionless, afraid of what she was about to hear.

Sue Ellen walked over to David and put her arms around him, then flashed a large diamond ring in Elaine’s face.

”We got married!”

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 10
We got married...
The words hit Elaine like a Mac truck.

Sue Ellen and David smiled at each other and, to Elaine’s horror, shared a passionate kiss.
A lump formed in her throat and she was overcome with the urge to cry.

No. Not now, Elaine. Not in front of David and Sue Ellen.
Somehow, she managed to force herself to speak.
“I-I’m happy for you, really.”
“You’re not upset are you, Elaine?” Sue Ellen said in a syrupy voice that made Elaine’s stomach churn.
“I know you and David dated for a long time.”

”Well, I-“
”She’s fine with it. Aren’t you, Kid?” David said, playfully punching Elaine in the arm.

Kid? Where in the hell did that come from? He’d never called her that before. Is that all she was to him? Just a buddy?

David and Sue Ellen kissed again and Elaine tried her best to look away.
It was no use.
She was transfixed on the passionate scene unfolding before her.

With shaking hands, Elaine pushed herself out of the chair. “Look, I-I really need to get going.”
Sue Ellen rushed toward her and took Elaine’s hand. “Oh now please don’t go. Stay and have dinner with us.”
”N-No, really. I can’t. I need to get going.” Elaine said, praying that her shaky voice would steady itself.

”Well, okay, but you must come over again some time.” Sue Ellen said, ushering Elaine to the door. It’s been so good to see you!”

Elaine opened the door. “Goodbye David.” She said, waving at Puddy.
“Bye.” He said, before turning his attention back to the Giants’ game on TV.

Without another word, she stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind her.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 11
Elaine was numb with shock as she walked the six blocks to Monk’s Diner. She barely noticed the noise coming from the busy streets, but Sue Ellen’s shocking words echoed loudly in her head;

We’re getting married.

She increased her pace and was almost breathless by the time she arrived at Monk’s. Peering in the window, she could see Jerry and George carrying on a conversation. She was willing to bet fifty bucks that the conversation involved a woman.

As she opened the door and stepped inside, her first thought was to turn around and go home. She really wasn’t in the mood to be around people.
Then again, she didn’t want to be alone, either.

“I’m telling you, Jerry! It can’t fail! It’s a no-fail situation!” George was saying.
“You’re crazy if you think that will work.” Jerry said.

Elaine walked over to the booth and sat down next to Jerry. When they saw her, they both spoke at once;
“Oh, hey Elaine!”
“Elaine! How’ve you been? We were just talking about you!”

But Elaine only heard Jerry. She found herself looking into his gorgeous green eyes.

Stop it, Elaine...

“Elaine? Are you okay?” Jerry asked.
Elaine snapped to attention.
“What? Oh... I’m fine. So what are you guys talking about? It sounded pretty intense.”
Jerry scoffed. “Insane is more like it!”

”Insane? How can you say that?” George asked. “It’s a no-fail plan, Jerry!”
“Yeah, you... mentioned that.” Jerry said.

Elaine laughed. “What are we talking about here, George?”
”Well go ahead, tell her!” Jerry said, motioning to George and then Elaine.

”I’m going to start attending funerals on a regular basis.” George said proudly.
“Why? You planning on bumping people off for a living?” Elaine quipped.
To her amazement, Jerry actually laughed at her joke.


”That was good, Elaine!” Jerry said. To George he said, “So are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Going to start bumping people off for a living?” Jerry asked, trying to control his laughter.
“NO!” George said, glaring at Elaine. “Funerals are a great place to meet women.”
”What? You’re crazy! Why would you think that?” Elaine asked. However, she realized that George’s crazy ideas no longer surprised her.

“Yeah...” George continued. “I mean the women are always crying and in need of consoling...”
“So let me get this straight...” Elaine said. “You’re planning on going to funerals to meet grieving women just so you can console them?”

”You’ve got it.” George said with a smile.
“So then what happens?” Elaine wanted to know.
“Well, according to George, these women are grieving so badly that they don’t want to go home alone and....” Jerry motioned for George to finish, but Elaine interjected.
“Oh my God...” She feigned fainting onto Jerry’s shoulder, but as soon as she realized what she had done, she quickly sat up.

Suddenly, Jerry began to wave his hand. “Hey, Shmoopy!”

Elaine jerked her head around to see Jerry’s ex-girlfriend, Sheila approaching the table. She was blonde, thin... and beautiful.

“Hey Shmoopy!” Sheila said, smiling at Jerry.
“You called me a Shmoopy! You’re a Shmoopy!” Jerry said, leaning across Elaine to kiss Sheila’s cheek.

Elaine forced a smile “Hi, Sheila! Long time no see!”
“Hey Elaine. How’s it going?” Sheila asked.

God, if she only knew....

“Oh, fine, fine...” Elaine lied. She looked at George who only shrugged. “Hey, I thought you two broke up after the Soup Nazi banned you from his store.”
Jerry smiled at Sheila. “Well, we did... but I realized that Sheila is more important to me than any old soup. Isn’t that right, Shmoopy?”
”Right, Shmoopy!” Sheila said, reaching out to hold Jerry’s hand across Elaine’s body.

Elaine grabbed her purse from the seat. “Sheila, why don’t you sit next to Jerry and I’ll sit over here by George? You don’t mind, do you, George?”
“No! No...” George said, although Elaine could tell that he did mind. George always liked the booth seat to himself.

He slid over in the seat and Elaine sat down. “There you are, Sheila.”
“Thanks, Elaine.” Sheila said. “Look, Shmoopy, we’re side by side! I love you, Shmoopy!”
Jerry leaned his forehead to meet hers. “I love you, too, Shmoopy!”
Suddenly they were engaged in a passionate kiss.

Elaine shifted in her seat. Sensing her uneasiness, George said to Jerry; “So you and Sheila got back together. Well, that’s.... great.”
”It’s wonderful, isn’t it, Shmoopy?” Jerry asked.
“Yes, Shmoopy!” Sheila said, kissing Jerry again.

George was clearly irritated. ”Um, hey Shmoopies, do you mind?” George asked, pointing out the other customers in the diner. “What is this Shmoopy, Shmoopy, Shmoopy business? It never ends with you!”

“We just love each other so much that we gave each other a pet name!” Sheila said, playfully running her index finger down Jerry’s nose.
Seconds later they were kissing passionately again.

Unable to take it anymore, Elaine rose from her seat. “I need to go to the ladies room.” She said, praying that no one heard the trembling in her voice.
Without looking back, she crossed the diner and opened the bathroom door, relieved to find that it was empty.

What was with her? Freaking out over Jerry kissing Sheila? She’d seen him kiss hundreds of women before. We’ll maybe not hundreds, but a lot. And he’d seen her with men.

But this felt different.
It hurt.

She took a deep breath, trying desperately to will her tears away.
But suddenly, her emotions got the best of her.

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 12
As she walked out of the restroom, Elaine blotted her tear-stained face with a damp paper towel. She could see Jerry, George and Sheila, still engrossed in conversation.

”What’s with Elaine?” she heard George asking Jerry.
“I don’t know...” Jerry said. “She was acting kind of strange.”
Sheila pointed in Elaine’s direction. “There she is! Do you want me to go talk to her?”
Jerry shook his head. “That’s probably not a good idea.”
”Why not?” Sheila asked.
Before Jerry could answer, George waved Sheila off. “She’ll be fine. It’s just Elaine.”
“George...” Jerry said, glancing in Elaine’s direction.

Elaine did her best to avoid eye contact with them; especially Jerry. She took a few deep breaths and silently walked past their booth.
Just as she opened the door and stepped outside, she heard Jerry’s voice.
“Hey Lainey! Where are you going?”

God if he only knew how his calling her that name affected her...

She walked down the sidewalk; her pace increasing with each step. When she was finally a good distance from Monk’s, she turned to see Jerry standing just outside the restaurant, watching her.
Quickly she ducked behind a lamp post and stared at him. It would be so easy to go to him; to tell him about David and Sue Ellen....
But she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

What are you waiting for? And why are you so afraid of him? This is Jerry, not some guy you met on the street!

With a sudden burst of bravery, she emerged from her hiding place...
Just in time to see Sheila walk out of the restaurant....
And into Jerry’s waiting arms.

She cringed at the sight of their lingering kiss; Jerry’s hands entangled in Sheila’s thick blonde hair.

Tears welled in her eyes as she turned away and walked through the dark streets....
Alone....

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 13
With his bowl of cereal in hand, Jerry turned on the television and sat down on the sofa to relax.
“Nothing, nothing, nothing....” He said, flipping the channels with the remote. “God, why do I pay for this cable? There’s never anything on!”

Finally the commercial ended and James Cagney appeared on the screen.
”Oh good, I love James Cagney.” Jerry said. He watched intently as James Cagney’s character was being carted off to jail by two guards.
”I know how you feel, Jimmy!” Jerry said to the television.

After a few minutes, he became bored with the movie and picked up the remote. “I don’t believe this! There’s still nothing on!” He mumbled as the channels changed rapidly before his eyes.
As though by coincidence, he stopped when a scene from “Some Like it Hot” filled the screen.

Elaine’s favorite movie.

Jerry smiled, remembering back to when he and Elaine dated....

She dragged him to the big screen showing at the tiny theatre in Times Square. Jerry had been dying to watch the Nicks play the Bulls in the NBA championship game. In fact, he lived for it. However, when he realized how much seeing the movie meant to Elaine, he just couldn’t say no.

He tried his best not to think about the game, but it was nearly impossible. He vowed that he wouldn’t tell her about it, because that would only cause an argument. He treated them both to dinner at Carnegie’s Deli and after devouring a famous (and enormous) sandwich, they walked hand and hand to the theatre.

Elaine laughed throughout the entire movie. A sound he loved to hear. He found that he was having a better time watching the movie than if he had stayed at home and watched the game; especially since the Nicks were beaten by 23 points....

That night when he dropped her off at home, he had a hard time saying goodbye. It had been such a wonderful evening. The kiss they shared lingered in his mind....

Even now....

“Hey Jerry!” Kramer said as he burst through the door.
“Hi”. Jerry said glumly.

Kramer walked over to the sofa and peered at Jerry’s face. “Man, you don’t look so good.” You’re all pale. What’s going on?”

With a sigh, Jerry put his cereal bowl on the table.

“Oh, it’s Elaine.”
“Elaine? What’s wrong? Is she okay?” Kramer asked.
“Well, I don’t know...” Jerry said. “Ever since we came home she’s been... different.”
“Jerry! She was a convict for a year! How do you expect her to act?” Kramer said.
“She wasn’t a convict! We were just as guilty as she was.” Jerry said.
“Yeah, but she’s a woman!” Kramer said. “How is the way she acts any different from us?”
“I don’t know... I just can’t stand seeing her like this. Something’s wrong.”
“So just confront her.” Kramer suggested.

But Jerry shook his head. “No... I can’t do that. If she wanted to tell me what was going on, she would have done it by now.”

”Ask her to the movies.” Kramer said.
“What? The movies? What’s that going to do for her?” Jerry asked.
“It’ll take her mind off of things. Then maybe she’ll be able to tell you what’s bothering her.”
Jerry thought for a minute. “You know, that’s not a bad idea. She’s always been able to confide in me before. Maybe this prison thing has been harder on her than I thought.”

Kramer turned to leave. “Well, I have to go meet Newman. Let me know how it goes with Elaine.”
“Sure thing. And thanks.” Jerry said.
“No problemo!” Kramer said as he forced open Jerry’s door.
“Oh Cosmo?”
“Yeah?”
”How’s the business going?”

Kramer was puzzled. “Business?”
”Yeah, the make- your- own- merchandise?”
“Oh that....” Kramer said. As he walked out the door he gave Jerry a thumbs-down sign.

Jerry laughed in spite of himself. “Hmmm... that’s too bad.”

[Schmoopie]

Chapter 14
As the taxi approached Pendant Publishing, Elaine’s excitement began to grow. Finally she was going back to work after all this time!

She paid the driver and climbed out of the cab. As the taxi drove away, she stood in awe of the silver high-rise building in front of her.

This time things were going to be different. She could feel it. She was working again and everything was almost back to normal. She’d even gotten over the fact that she had been a convict for the past year. Now she was back to doing what she did best; publishing the J. Peterman catalog.

Elaine began to hum as she entered the building and gazed around at the incredible transformation that had taken place in her absence. The dull grey walls had been painted a vibrant blue and art adorned almost every corner.
It was almost like a homecoming.

She grinned at Simon the elevator attendant. “Hey, how’s it going?” She said cheerfully.
“Do I know you?” Simon asked.
“Simon, it’s me! Elaine!” She said. “Don’t you remember? We talked almost every day for the past two years. Well, except for the year that I was... um, away.”
“Okay, if you say so.” Simon replied.

Elaine was stunned. How could Simon of all people not remember her? She was always telling him about her disastrous dates from the night before; and those stories were definitely memorable.
Silently she got into the elevator and pushed the button for her floor. Well, at least she was going back to work.

As the elevator doors opened on the 26th floor, Elaine eagerly stepped into the hallway. Now this was more like it! She hadn’t realized how much she had missed the sights and sounds of being in an office; the gossip, the drama. Oh, she couldn’t wait to be a part of it again!

She smiled when she recognized some friendly faces. “Hey, everyone, look who’s back!” she shouted.
The familiar faces just stared at her.
What was with them?
She made her way down the hall and around the corner until she came to her office.
Home at last.
Keys in hand, she inserted the key into her office door, but it wouldn’t budge. She began to fight with the door knob when it suddenly opened on its’ own. She was surprised to find herself face to face with Marie Sheldon.
“Marie!” Elaine cried, hugging her friend tightly. “It’s been so long!”
“Yeah, whatever, Elaine.” Marie said, prying Elaine’s arms away from her.
“What’s wrong? What are you doing in my office?” Elaine asked.
Marie began to laugh uncontrollably. “Your office? You think Peterman was going to let you keep it? What did they teach you in that jail?”

Elaine swallowed hard. “You know about that?”
“Who doesn’t know about it? It was all over the news! You’re a celebrity!”
“Great!” Elaine said, feigning excitement. “Is Mr. Peterman here?”
Marie laughed again. “Oh yeah, he’s here... and boy is he gonna be surprised to see you.”
She went back to her desk and pushed the intercom. Mr. Peterman’s distinctive voice filled the room.
“Yes, Marie?”
“Um, Mr. Peterman? Elaine Benes is here to see you.”
“Who?” Mr. Peterman asked, startling Elaine.
“ELAINE BENES!” Elaine yelled into the intercom.
“Hey!” Marie yelled. “You can’t start screaming into my intercom! Now get out of here!” she began to shove Elaine out the door.
“But wait, I....” Elaine protested as the door slammed in her face.

She slumped against the doorway. What was going on? Was she invisible?
Finally the door jolted open, causing Elaine to land flat on her back.
“Oh, sorry....” Marie said, looking down at Elaine. “Mr. Peterman said he’ll see you, but only for a few minutes.”

Elaine stood and straightened her wrinkled suit. “Yeah, thanks, Marie. Thanks for nothing.”
Marie smiled. “Anytime.”
Again the door slammed in her face. She took a deep breath and walked down the long hallway to Mr. Peterman’s office. Along the way, she was sure she could hear muffled laughter and whispers coming from the offices.

Finally she reached his office and timidly knocked on the door.
“Come in!” His voice boomed.
“Mr. Peterman, Hi!” Elaine said with a smile. “I’ve missed you!” She went to give him a hug, but he shoved her away.

“Is something wrong?”
“Elaine, have a seat.” Peterman said, gesturing to a nearby chair.

“Thank you, Mr. Peterman. You have no idea how wonderful it is to be back. I really want to dig right in and make the next issue of the J. Peterman Catalog the best ever!” She said, smoothing her skirt.

“Elaine, we need to have a heart to heart talk.” Peterman said.
“Certainly sir.” Elaine said.
“When was the last time you were here?”
Elaine thought for a minute. “Well, I can’t remember the exact date, but it’s been over a year. That’s how long my sentence was. God, I am SO glad to get out of that place! I mean you wouldn’t believe the stories I could tell! The place was like a prison!”
She burst out laughing at her own joke. “Get it? Like a prison?”
Mr. Peterman was not amused.
“Sorry.” She said, looking down at her shoes.

“Elaine, I’m just going to be blunt about this because it’s obvious you didn’t get the message I left on your machine.”
“Message, sir?”
“Yes, after the trial it had come to my attention that you and you friends had gotten a lot of exposure in the New York Times.”
“Yes sir. But you know how those reporters are. They’ll say anything to-“
Peterman held up his hand to silence her.
“And in this company we have a reputation to uphold.”

Elaine nodded. “Absolutely sir, and that’s why I think I should get to work right away.” She stood and turned to leave when she felt his hand on her arm.
“Sit down, Bennes. I’m not finished. “
“I’m sorry, Sir.” She said.

”As I was saying, the J Peterman Catalog has a reputation to uphold, and we hire only the most well-respected men and women around.”

“That’s so true, you really do hire-“

“And when the news began to surface about you and your four friends, I had to make a decision and I had to make it fast.”

Elaine nervously rubbed her hands together, as she watched Mr. Peterman walk to his closet and return with a huge box. She grimaced as he handed it to her.

“Gee, what’s in here? Rocks from one of your African safaris?”
“These are your belongings, Elaine.” Mr. Peterman said.
Elaine looked at him in shock. “My bel- You mean....”
“Yes, I’m afraid I do. I can’t have any ex-cons working for the Peterman Catalog. If the press got wind of this, I’d be out on the streets in no time. It cost me enough money to pay the press off when you were arrested.”

”Mr. Peterman, you can’t be serious. Look, I’ll take a pay cut! A demotion! Anything! I really need a job, sir!”
“I’m sorry Elaine. I really am.”
Sadly Elaine looked at her former boss. “I’m sorry too.”
She turned and walked out of his office; doing her best to avoid eye contact with anyone she came near.
She stopped when she passed the break room. Fortunately no one was around and she walked over to the bulletin board. It was filled with news articles. On closer inspection, she was appalled to find that each and every one was about her arrest. There were pictures of Jerry, George and Kramer along with the story of how the foursome violated the Good Samaritan Law in Latham, Massachusetts.

She left the break room and headed for the elevator. Her stomach churned with nausea as she held the huge box in her arms. She had to get out of here.

Finally the doors opened and seconds later she found herself on 5th Avenue; an ex-con without a job. She hailed a taxi and then motioned for him to go on, not caring that it had started to rain.