Thursday’s Quotes & a Honeymooners Mother’s Day:

[Frank Gannucci]

(It’s the morning of Mother’s Day. Alice gets up angry followed by Ralph who is also angry.)

Ralph: “I don’t care what you say. I am NOT going to your mother’s today. I am going bowling with Norton.”

Alice: “You are going to MY MOTHER’S Ralph. This is Mother’s Day and I told my mom that you are coming.”

Ralph: “I will be there in spirit. Alice, your mother is a BLABBERMOUTH. We don’t get along. We are like enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose.”

Alice: “Yeah and you are the big goose.”

Ralph: “Oooh, you are a riot Alice. I am NOT GOING.”

Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”

Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”

Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”

Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”

Alice (yells): “YOU ARE GOING!”

Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING!”

Alice (yells): “YOU ARE NOT GOING!”

Ralph (yells): “I AM GOING!”

Alice (yells): “GOOD!”

Ralph (yells): “I AM NOT GOING”

Alice: “Now Ralph, if you don’t go, I will be upset at you for a long time.”

Ralph: “I will take that chance.”

(Phone rings from upstairs.)

(A pause.)

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): “ALICE, PHONE CALL FOR YOU.”

(Trixie lowers the phone cord.)

Alice: “I wish you would give us a phone.”

Ralph: “Why, Trixie is reaching out and touching someone.”

Alice: “Hello?”

Ralph’s Mom (on the phone): “Hello?”

Alice: “Mother Kramden. Well, this is a surprise.”

Ralph’s Mom (on the phone): “I called to say that I want to go to your mother’s with Ralph. I loved the gift Ralph sent me. It’s a ticket to Miami Beach.”

(Audience applauds.)

Alice: “Here’s Ralph.”

(Ralph gets the phone.)

Ralph: “Mama. Mom. Did you like the gift I sent you?”

Ralph’s Mom: “Yes, I did. I want to go to Alice’s Mom’s house and it would really mean much to me if you came too.”

Ralph: “Sure, if you say so. Bye.”

Ralph’s Mom: “Bye.”

Ralph: “Alice, looks like I will be going after all. A mother is one of the most important people in the world. I am so sorry for acting the way I did all night.”

Alice: “I forgive you Ralph.”

Ralph: “You are the greatest.”

(They hug and kiss.)

(Jackie Gleason comes on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: “Folks, you guys are the GREATEST audiences in the world.”

(Audience applauds.)

Jackie: Audrey Meadows.”

(Aud comes down and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: “From all of us here to all the mothers, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY! GOOD NIGHT!”

(Audience cheers.)

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Ralph (to Carlos): "It's easy for you to play Sir Galahad. You don't work. When you work, you dance. That's not work. When we work, we work. Dirty work. Just take a look at my friends hands and mine and yours."

Ed: "It's not fair to compare my hands to his. I got mine in water all day."

"On Stage":

(Ralph is thinking of how to greet the Raccoons in his letters.)

Ed: "How about 'Greetings!'?"

Ralph: "'Greetings?'"

Ed: "Yeah, the draft board did pretty good with that one."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

(The car won't start.)

Trixie: "Ralph, it might help if you turned the ignition key."

Ralph: "I was just about to do that. I just wanted to see if the battery was alive."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "First you almost made me lose my hearing. Then, you try to electricute me. Why don't you help me some more, run over me with the car?"

Ed: "I can't get the car started."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

Ralph (knocking on door): "Got any mashed potatoes out there?"

(Door opens.)

Ralph: "I said do you have any mashed potatoes out there?"

Cook: "We don't even have anything else to throw away."

"Flushing Ho":

Ralph: "Because of Ed, I had to go to work without my bath."

Trixie: "You didn't have to do that Ralph. You could take you bath at the circus. They wouldn't mind bathing one more elephant."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

“In 25 Words Or Less":

(The waiter makes crepe zuzzets [Franch pancakes], he starts a fire on his grill. Ralph sees it and puts the fire out with a fire extinguisher.)

Ralph: "It's a good thing I was here or the whole boat would have been on fire."

Alice: "Ralph, those were French pancakes."

Ralph: "I don't care what started the fire."

"Ship Of Fools":

Ed: "I went to Europe once."

Man: "Did you enjoy it?"

Ed: "No, the Germans kept shooting at me."