Wednesday's Quotes & Ralph Kramden, a fan of NY/NJ NHL Hockey? (Part 4)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The NY Rangers beat the NJ Devils 5-3.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game in the pool room.)

Ed: "That was another great game Ralph. Looks like the Rangers will advance to the second round for the first time since 1997."

Ralph: "You are telling me."

Ed: "It's too bad we couldn't be there. We would have a blast. Remember the last time we went to see a hockey game? We were sitting in front of the glass, the camera was on us, I waived: 'Hello Trixie!' and the puck hit my head. Boy, all those people were concerned. I wasn't that hurt. After all, manhole covers drop down on my head."

Ralph: "Yes, and I think I know why your head didn't hurt."

Ed: "I wonder what Alice is going to say when you tell her that we are going to the Rangers game instead of taking the girls out to dinner."

Ralph: "Oh, they will be beefin' and such. I am going to get those tickets tomorrow. The game still isn't sold out yet."

Ed: "What are you going to do if she puts up an argument?"

Ralph: "I will tell her that I am the King of the Castle and she is a nobody. She always falls for that line."

Ed: "Ralph, those words should be played at every wedding instead of 'Here Comes The Bride.'"

(Later on at home. It's 2am.)

Ralph (yells): "ALICE, I AM KING OF THE CASTLE. YOU ARE A NOBODY. NOW, I AM TELLING YOU THAT ME AND NORTON ARE GOING TO MSG TO SEE THE GAME AND NOT TAKE YOU OUT AND THAT'S THAT."

Alice: "Ehhh, shut up. RALPH, WHAT IS WRONG WITH WATCHING THE GAME IN THE RESTAURANT?"

Ralph (yells): "I'LL TELL YOU...I'LL TELL YOU...I'LL TELL YOU...WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?"

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Ralph, I just got news. MSG is all sold out. We can take the wives out to dinner and not worry about arguing. Good night."

(Ed leaves. Alice sits down.)

Ralph: "Alice, I am so remorseful. I didn't mean to get you upset just for that sake, but I was selfish. I'm sorry."

Alice: "Ralph, there is nothing to apologize for."

Ralph: "You're the greatest."

(They hug and kiss.)

(Jackie Gleason walks out on stage. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "How sweet it is. Folks time to introduce the cast. First, Audrey Meadows."

(Aud comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "And Art Carney."

(Art comes out and shakes Jackie's hand.)

Jackie: "GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE."

(Audience applauds.)

"People's Choice":

(Ralph thinks that someone shot him when in actuality, Ed just broke a paper bag and Ralph is fine. Ralph realized what happened.)

Alice: "What happened?"

Ralph: "Babyhead (Ed) had to break a paper bag."
"TV or Not TV":

Ed: "We flipped a coin to see who would get the TV set. Ralph said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost."

Ralph (to Alice): "Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick from you. That is how we got married."

"Dinner Guest":

Alice: "Why don't you jump out the window?"

Ralph: "You said that yesterday."

Alice: "Yeah, but you didn't do it."

"Two Men On A Horse Part 1":

Ralph: "You are the first woman in history that has ever interrupted the Raccoon song."

Alice: "Well-scottie-wattie-do-dah-day."

"Catch A Star":

Ralph: "Suppose I don't get Jackie Gleason to come. Suppose I get someone just as exciting."

Ed: "Don't worry Ralph. If you don't get Jackie, there will be an event just as exciting. The Hanging of Ralph Kramden."

"The Golfer":

Ralph: "If you don't have any connections, you will get nowhere as far as a job is concerned."

Ed: "Now wait a minute, that doesn't apply to every case. I didn't get any connections when I got my job in the sewer."

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I don't remember the song I used to play on this cornette. I got the music right here."

(Ralph plays the cornette. No sound is heard.)

Alice: "Not so loud Ralph. You will disturb the neighbors."

"Six Months To Live":

Telegram Man: "I was instructed to give this letter to Mrs. Kramden."

Ralph (taking the letter): "I'm Mister Kramden."

(The telegram man holds out his hand, expecting a tip.)

Ralph: "Your hand is very dirty."

"To Whom It May Concern":

(Ralph says what he wants Ed to say in a letter to his boss.)

Ralph: "'You dirty bum!'"

Ed: "Don't you think that that is a little rough for a starter?"

Ralph: "Maybe your right. "Dear Mr. Marshall:...'"

Ed: "That's better."

Ralph: "'...You dirty bum!'"