Mama's House (a 'Mama's Family' spin-off)

[PlayOn]

Hope you enjoy.

Episode one: The Return of Olga.

(Living room. Mama is dusting, with ear phones over her ears, listening to a CD player. She shakes her booty as she dust off a lamp. Iola walks in)

Iola: Thelma.
Mama (singing): I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive. Carved my name into his leather seat!
Iola: Thelma.
Mama: I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights. Slashed a hole in all four tires.
Iola: Thelma? Carrie?
Mama: Maybe next time he'll think before he....

(Mama turns around and sees Iola. Her eyes get big. She takes off the head phones)

Mama: Iola. I was just...uh...dusting.
Iola: So I see. Listen, before you go to jail for vandalism, I have to tell you who I saw while I was at the Food Circus.
Mama: If it wasn't George Clooney or Mel Gibson, tell me another day.

(She continues dusting)

Iola: Please. If I met either one of them do you think I'd be here talking to you? No, I saw Olga Stretnavetch, that Russian woman who came to clean your house and to see how Americans live.
Mama: Really? Well how is the little sweetheart?

(She pus the CD player on the table and sits on the couch. Iola sits beside her)

Olga: She isn't so little any more. She's pregnant.
Mama: No. Well, I'm sorry I missed her. It would've been good to see her again.
Iola: I figured you'd say that. That's why I invited her over this afternoon. She should be here any minute.

(Mama jumps up)

Mama: YOU DID WHAT?!
Iola: Invited her ov-
Mama: I heard you the 1st time! Iola, haven't you heard of a phone? Look at this place. This house is a mess. I'm a mess. I'm going to grab a quick shower. You dust.
Iola: But, Thelma. We don't have time. She should be here any-

(The door bell rings. Mama looks up at the ceiling)

Mama: Lord, please let it be a salesman.

(She opens the door. It Olga and she has a big belly)

Mama: Well, Olga. Isn't this a wonderful surprise?
Olga: Iola said she'd tell you I was coming.
Mama: She did. It's just a saying. Can I give you a hug?
Olga: Sure.

(Mama hugs Olga. Olga steps inside while Mama shuts the door)

Mama: So, Olga. What have you been up to?

(Olga turns and faces Mama. Her belly catches Mama's eye)

Mama: Other than (pause) that.
Olga: Every thing's good. I'm still a cleaning woman.
Iola: Are you sure you can still clean? After all, you are in a delicate state.
Mama: Good Lord, Iola. She's just cleaning toilets. Not delivering them to people's houses. When I was pregnant with Eunice, I was a cleaning lady.
Iola: Really, Thelma. I didn't know that.
Mama: Sure. Well, actually, I was a cleaning product tester. I would have to test the product by using it for whatever it was made for. If it was for washing dishes, I had to use it for that. If it was for moping, I had to use it for that. I hated the moping products because every now and then I would catch the smell of it. That's the only excuse I have for the way Eunice is.
Olga: Speaking of kids, where is your son and daughter-in-law?
Mama: Well, they're leaving everybody's dream. They own a mobile home. Did Iola tell you I was a grand-mother again?
Olga: No.
Mama: Her name is Thelma. I told Vint and Naomi they didn't have to, but they kept insisting. Finally, I agreed.
Iola: Thelma, I thought...

(Mama hits Iola in the arm)

Mama: So, Olga. How far along are you?
Olga: 9 months today. The doctor said it could be any day now.
Mama: Well, I don't envy you. I couldn't wait to pop out my kids.
Iola: Now, Thelma. You stop right there. Don't start scaring her. Remember how you made Naomi's birthing class cry because of your little horror stories?
Mama: That thought never crossed my mind. Give me some credit!
Olga: I have to go to the bathroom.

(Mama gets up and helps Olga up, who goes to the bathroom and shuts the door)

Iola: What did you hit me in the arm for?
Mama: Did I hit you in the arm? I'm sorry. I was aiming for your head.
Iola: I knew it! I try to something nice and you still treat me like a dog.
Mama: Be thankful. Some dogs get much better treatment than humans. Like that woman that died and left all that money to her dog.
Iola: Is that so? Well, let me tell you something....
Olga (from the bathroom): Could someone help me?
Iola: I'm coming.

(She gets up, goes to the bathroom, and tries to open the door)

Iola: Olga, have you got the door locked?
Olga: No. Why?
Iola: It won't open.
Mama: Here. Let me.

(She gets up, and walks to Iola.)

Mama: Olga, stand back!

(She hits on the door a few times in different places and kicks it. It still won't open)

Mama: That's how I open it every time it gets stuck. Olga, honey, are you sure the door isn't locked?
Olga: I maybe Russian, but I'm not a dumbo. I know the difference between a locked and an unlocked door.
Iola: Try turning the knob from in there.
Olga: I did. That's when I called you. (pause) Oh, no!
Mama: What oh, no?
Olga: My water just broke.
Mama: Whatever you do, don't use any of my good towels!
***
More?

[needles1987]

This is funny. Are Vint, Naomi, and Bubba still living with her?

[PlayOn]

Originally Posted by needles1987

This is funny. Are Vint, Naomi, and Bubba still living with her?

Yes and no. Naomi, Vint and Tiffany Thelma are living in a trailer park with the mobile home they bought. Bubba still lives with Mama. I just haven't brought him on the show yet. Will post more soon.

[PlayOn]

More...

(Living room. Mama and Iola are still outside of the the bathroom.)

Mama: Now, Olga. Are you on the floor?
Olga: YEEEEESSS! HURRY AND GET THIS KID OUT OF ME.
Mama (to Iola): It's true. She's in labor.

(Bubba walks in)

Bubba: Hey, Grandma. Mrs. Boyland. What are you doing?
Iola: Giving birth.

(Bubba looks confused)

Mama: You remember Olga, right?
Bubba: How could I forget? She was a great lady.
Mama: Well, she's pregnant. Somehow, she got locked in the bathroom and she's in labor.
Bubba: Ew.
Mama: Ok, now Olga. Just breathe.
Olga: It hurts!
Mama: A baby is coming out of you. It's not supposed to feel like you just won 10 grand.
Olga: IT'S COMING!!!
Mama: I completely forgot. Somebody call the ambulance. And a locksmith.

(Iola picks up the phone and starts dialing. Bubba walks over to Mama. Olga screams)

Bubba: So, this what child birth is?
Mama (sarcastically): Yea, isn't it lovely?
Bubba: Grandma, I have to tell you something.
Mama: Bubba, can't you see I'm busy? Now get out of the way.

(Bubba goes to the kitchen)

Mama: Olga, how you doing?

(Olga screams)

Mama: Just checking. Iola, you got anybody on the phone yet?
Iola: I figured it'd be wise to call the locksmith first. He said he could be in about 34 minutes.
Mama: 34 minutes? What is he? A locksmith or a Sunday driver?
Iola: He said he had a few jobs ahead of him. I still need to call the ambulance.

(She hangs up phone, picks it up again and dials again. Olga screams)

Mama: You alright? Is the kid out?
Olga: NNNNOOOO! I need drugs!
Iola: This is a Christian home. Thelma doesn't do that!
Mama: Iola, she was talking about the drugs you get at the hospital.
Iola; Oh. I knew that.
Mama: You talk to the ambulance people?
Iola: No. I'm on hold.
Mama: Hold?! Well, thank the Lord I'm not on my death bed! Otherwise, I'd be singing with the Angels before he even gets here!
Olga: THELMA, IT'S COMING!!
Mama: Breathe. In and out.

(Mama breathes as if she were giving birth)
***

Later...

(Living room. A locksmith is working on the door. A few paramedics are there. Mama, Bubba and Iola are close by. The locksmith finally gets the door open. He opens it and Olga is on the bathroom floor holding her new baby. The paramedics run by her side)

Iola: Oh, Thelma. Isn't it wonderful?
Mama: You forget, I had 4 children. It's stopped being wonderful after the 2nd one, 5 minutes into the labor.

(The paramedics load Olga onto a stereacher and wheel her out of the house. Mama, Iola and Bubba follow)

(Outside. The family looks from the porch as they load Olga, still holding her baby boy, in the ambulance. A paramedic closes the door and and turns to the family while the others climb in the ambulance.

Paramedic: In case you want to tag along, we're going to Raytown Methodist Hospital.
All: Thank you.

(The paramedic climbs in the drivers side of the ambulance and drives away. The locksmith comes out of the house)

Locksmith: In all my years of locksmithing, I've never seen a story quit like yours.
Mama: What do we owe you?
Locksmith: I've seen kids get locked out there house, families locked out of there car. Heck, even people locked out of church. But, yours...
Mama: You better tell me how much I owe you before you find your body locked in my closet!
Locksmith: Mainly, I charge 30 bucks. But since your story is different, I'll only charge 20.
Mama (sarcastically): You saint. (She goes inside, comes back out with her purse, opens it, gets out her wallet and pays the man, who gets in his car and drives away)
Iola: I'm going to the hospital. You coming?
Mama: I'll be along in a minute.

(Iola walks away. Mama turns to Bubba)

Mama: You wanted to talk to me about something. What is it?
Bubba: I was going to ask Amy if she wanted to marry me and ask what you thought of it, but hearing Olga's screams, I don't think I'm ready to start a family. Are all child births like that?

(Mama leads Bubba inside and she closes the door. We just see the outside of the house, like in the TV show)

Mama: Well, Bubba. Let me tell it to you like this: Have you ever had to suffer through one of Paris Hilton's movies?
Bubba: Yea. Amy loves Paris, for some unknown reason.
Mama: It's kinda her movies, excect 10 times worse.
***
What did you think?
Episode 2 coming soon...

[jonnycarnahan]

It's great to read "Mama's Family" fiction and this is entertaining. Vint is my fave character; will he be making appearances? Thanks for posting this, I can't wait to read more.-

[PlayOn]

Originally Posted by jonnycarnahan

It's great to read "Mama's Family" fiction and this is entertaining. Vint is my fave character; will he be making appearances? Thanks for posting this, I can't wait to read more.-

Thanx for reading and I'm glad ya'll like it.

Yes, Vint (with family in tow) will make appearances from time to time.

[needles1987]

Mama said she had 4 children. There's Ellen, Eunice, and Vint. Who's the fourth?

[PlayOn]

Originally Posted by needles1987

Mama said she had 4 children. There's Ellen, Eunice, and Vint. Who's the fourth?

If you saw Mama's Family when it was just a sketch on 'The Carol Burnett Show', Mama said she had four kids: Phillip, Ellen, Eunice and Vint. When Mama got her own show, they left out Phillip and kept Ellen, Eunice and Vint. I don't know why the writers of 'MF' didn't watch 'TCBS', but they didn't. I wanted Phillip in the show because I love 'MF' and like to stay true to it's history.

[PlayOn]

Episode 2: 'The Surprise in Raytown County Jail'

(Living room. A man is sitting on the couch. Mama comes down stairs in her night gown, bathrobe, and hair in curlers. She yawns)

Man (with an accent): Good morning.
Mama: Yea, back at you.

(She starts towards the kitchen, but stops dead in her tracks, her eyes wide open. She turns to the man)

Mama: I don't mean to be rude, but who the hell are you?
Man: Lyle.
Mama: Uh-huh. Well, Lyle. Why are you in my house?
Lyle: I was invited by Iola Boylan. She's in the kitchen if you want to talk to her.
Mama: Oh, I'm going to do more than talk. Lyle, it could get very loud, so you might want to cover your ears. Better still, wait on the porch.
***

(Kitchen. Iola is cooking, humming. Mama walks in)

Iola: Hey, sleepy head. Finally decide to get up?
Mama: Now, I'm going to be calm and ask what the hell was going on in your brain when you brought that man into my house. WHY THE HELL DID YOU BRING THAT STRANGE MAN INTO MY HOUSE?!?!
Iola: Oh, you mean Lyle. Well, I went out this morning to get the news paper when I see this man on my porch. I asked what he was doing there and he said he had just got kicked out of his house. I felt so bad for the man, I promised him a home cooked meal.
Mama: In my house?
Iola: Well, Thelma. You know how Mother gets when there's a stranger in her house.
Mama: I don't care for them much either. Iola, get that man out of here.
Iola: Thelma, what does the Reverend Meechum always talk about? Giving is what makes the world go 'round. Why can't you let the poor man just eat breakfast? Then, I promise, he'll be on his way.
Mama: Fine. But he leaves right after breakfast.
***
A few minutes later...

(Dining room. Mama and Iola are watching Lyle eat his breakfast very slowly. Their plates are clean. Mama looks at her watch)

Mama (sarcastically): Only 3O minutes when we sat down to eat? My, my how time flies.
Iola: Lyle, can I get you some more eggs?
Mama: The man hasn't even started the eggs he has on his plate.
Iola: How about some milk?
Mama: That's it! I've had it. Excuse me, sir. But you're going to have to leave. Iola, put the rest of this mans breakfast on a paper plate.

(Iola gets up.)

Lyle: No. Iola, you said I could stay here.
Iola: No, Lyle, I didn't. I said you could eat breakfast.
Lyle: Where I come from, that means you can stay for as long as you like.
Mama: Well, this is America, bud. And if you aren't off my property in 5 seconds, I'm going to have you arrested. 1...
Lyle: No!
Mama: 2...
Iola: Thelma, lets think this through.
Mama: Then he can stay at your house. 3...
Iola: I told you about Mother.
Mama: 4...
Lyle: No!

(He gets up and draws a gun from the waist band of his blue jeans. He points it a Mama)

Lyle: I'm not going back to the cops, you hear me lady?
Mama: All's I can hear is my heart racing.
Iola: Thelma, now look what you did.
Mama: Me? You're the one who brought this whack-job into my hose. Had we tossed him out on his ear like I wanted, none of this would have happened.
Iola: You made a homeless man crack. You know they aren't the most stable people in the world!
Lyle: SILENCE! You let me stay or I shoot you.
Mama: Oh, why did Bubba have to go away on that water polo trip?

(Suddenly, there's a knock on the door)

Lyle: Don't answer it. Don't make a sound a sound.
Mama: I bet it's George-Ann. She called last night, asking if I couldn't give anything for the church bake sale in a few weeks. I told to come over and help me pick out a recipe.

(Another knock. Mama starts to get up)

Lyle: Don't...make...a...move.
Mama: Well, I have to get it! I told I'd be home. If I don't come to the door, she'll know something is up.
Lyle: Alright, fine. But you give any word I'm here, you're dead.

(Mama walks to the door)

Mama: Who is it?
Male voice: Police.
Mama: Oh, thank the Lord!
Lyle: Mrs. Harper.
Mama: I mean (pause) uh (pause) what do you want?
Police: A neighbor said she saw what looked a person she saw on Tri-States Most Wanted last night come into your house. An illegal alien.
Mama: What's your last name.
Lyle: Garcia.
Mama: Oh, dear Lord!

(She eyes Iola)

Mama: You watch that show every night. Didn't you think Lyle looked familiar?
Iola: I didn't watch it last night. I shaving the corns off of Mother's feet.
Lyle: Good grief, woman. Don't you have a life.

(Iola frowns)

Police: Miss, would you open the door? If you don't, I'm going to be forced to kick it in.

(Lyle runs into the kitchen to escape out the back door. Mama opens the door)

Mama: He ran through the kitchen.

(The police man runs to the kitchen and out the back, but Lyle is long gone. He walks back in the kitchen, where Mama and Iola are)

Police man: He got away. I'm going to HQ and tell them to keep a look out.
Mama: Would you like a drink?
Police: That'd be great. Water. Want me to get the ice?
Mama: You don't have to.
Police man: I want to. My wife just left me and I always got the ice for her. Makes it feel more like home.
Iola: Your wife left you? Why? You seem like such a nice man.
Police man: I cheated on her with her best friend.
Iola: I spoke too soon.

(The police man opens the freezer door and pulls out a gun)

Police man: Mind explaining this?
Mama: That isn't mine. Lyle must've left it in my freezer on his way out.
Police man: Lady, I was running almost just as fast as he was. He wouldn't have had time to put this in your freezer. I'm taking it in to see if this registered or not.
Mama: Good. Get this whole mess settled now.

(The police man put handcuffs on Mama)

Mama: What are doing?
Police man: You're under arrest.
Mama: Under what charges?
Police man: I need to take this gun to the station and I sure as heck ain't leaving you alone. You might escape.

(He snaps the hand cuffs together, then cuffs Iola)

Iola: Why am I under arrest?
Police man: Safety precaution.

(He helps her out the seat she's in, and leads them out of the kitchen)

Mama: This is the most crazy thing I've ever seen in my life.
Iola: Really! Is this what they mean by police brutality?
***

(Raytown Co. Jail. Mama and Iola, as well as a some other people are behind bars. Mama and Iola are talking to the policeman that arrested them)

Policeman: It's only until we can get this whole thing figured out. I, personally, believe the gun isn't yours. But I found it in your freezer while people keep guns in cabinets or on high shelves. My hands are tied.
Mama: Well, hurry up. 'Days of Our Lives' is supposed to come on at two.

(The policeman walks way. Mama sits on a cot, while Iola just stands there. A Gothic woman walks to her)

Woman: Hey, good looking. I like the home maker type. You ever been with a woman?
Iola: HELP!!!!!

(Mama is laying on the cot, eyes shut, when...)

Voice: Hey, Mama.

(Mama opens her eyes, sits up and gets the shock of her life)

Mama: Eunice?
Eunice: Surprise.
Mama: What the hell are you doing in here?
***
More?

[needles1987]

On the Carol Burnett show, she had five kids: Ellen, Eunice, Phillip, Jack, and Larry. On the Eunice Special, it was brought down to three: Ellen, Eunice, and Phillip (played by Ken Berry). Then Phillip became Vint on Mama's Family.

[PlayOn]

Originally Posted by needles1987

On the Carol Burnett show, she had five kids: Ellen, Eunice, Phillip, Jack, and Larry. On the Eunice Special, it was brought down to three: Ellen, Eunice, and Phillip (played by Ken Berry). Then Phillip became Vint on Mama's Family.

5 kids? Mama must've loved being a Mama. lol.
Thanx for correcting me. I didn't know she had that many.

[PlayOn]

(Raytown Co. Jail)

Mama: What the hell are you doing here?
Eunice: I tried to kill Ed.
Mama: I imaged when you'd tell me this, I'd say congratulations, but why did you try to kill him?
Eunice: He pushed me over the over the edge.
Mama: Not that it was a long trip to start to begin with.
Eunice: Shut up, old lady. What about you? Why are you in here?
Mama: A misunderstanding. But tell me more about why you tried to kill Ed.
Eunice: Well, it happened a few hours ago...

(Flashback. Eunice and Ed's living room. Eunice is watching TV, crying her eyes out. Ed walks in)

Ed: So this is what you do all day while I'm out there working my butt off, barely making two pennies to rub together.
Eunice: Please. You're idea of working is when you and the goons you call friends make sexist comments whenever a pretty young thing walks by or in your store.
Ed: Don't start with me, Eunice.

(He sits down)

Ed: When's supper going to be ready?
Eunice: Whenever you cook it.
Ed: Listen, Eunice. I've had a long day. Whenever a man comes home, he expects hot supper on the table and a cold beer in his hand.
Eunice: Oh, shut up, Ed! You know I haven't fixed supper? because I went out and auditioned for a part in play that I knew would be great for me: the Queen of Scotland. And do you what they did? Turned me down!
Ed: What did you do? Walk in the room?
Eunice: Ed, I'm watching Dr. Phil...
Ed: That commie? He needs to mind his own business.
Eunice: WOULD YOU LET ME FINISH???!!! And Dr. Phil says in order to have a happy marriage, you have to share in the housework. Why don't we try that? You cook one night, then I will. You vacuum, one day, I will. WHta do you say?

(Ed picks up the phone and dials a number)

Eunice: Who are you calling?
Ed: The nut house because you have up and lost your mind.
Eunice: That does it!

(She gets up and jerks the phone out his hand and slams it on the receiver)
***

(Raytown Co. Jail. Present)

Mama: Then what did you do?
Eunice: Well...

(Ed walks in the room. He has a black eye, a busted lip, and is holding an ice-pack on the back of his head)

Ed: Ready to go, Eunney?
Eunice: Not on your life. I told you we're getting a divorce.
Mama: Ed, I'm glad you're no longer going to be in daughters life but why the hell would you want her back after she did that you?
Eunice: Because I'm the only one who will put up with his crap!
Ed: That's not true! Entirely...
Eunice: Told you. Will no more. No sir! Today, I am free woman.

(She realizes she's in jail)

Eunice: Or I will be once I get out. Goodbye, Mr. Higgins.
Ed: Fine! But I'm taking the house.
Eunice: You're just going to throw me out on the street? The mother of your children?
Ed: Some job you did. We have a son you lives with that old bat and another who is doing 9 to life. Speaking of which, Mother Harper what are you doing here?
Mama: Wondering where my life went wrong.
***

(Living room. Mama, Iola and Eunice walk in)

Eunice: I'd never thought I'd say this about this old dump but praise the Lord we're home.
Mama: This is not your home!
Eunice: That's what I wanted to ask you. Since me Ed are getting divorced, can I live with you? You know, until I get back on my feet.
Mama: Not in a million years.
Eunice: You said this will always be my home.

(Shows outside of the house)

Mama: Eunice, whenever you come over, I'm drunk and don't mean half the stuff I say.
***
Episode 3 coming soon...

[needles1987]

So Billy Joe exists in your story?

[PlayOn]

Originally Posted by needles1987

So Billy Joe exists in your story?

who?
***

Episode 3: Two on a Leadge
***

(Living room. Mama is watching TV, crying)

TV (woman): How could you do this to me? I gave you everything!
Mama: You tell him, Sami.
TV (man): Ha! Everything?! All you ever do is whine and complain about what you don't have!

(A slap from the TV is heard)

Mama: Go, Sami! Hit him again! This time, where it hurts!

(Bubba comes downstairs)

Bubba: Hey, grandma. What are you watching?
TV (announcer): Like sands through the hour-glass, so are 'The Days of Our Lives.'
Bubba: I thought you were going to give up watching that.
Mama: It's hard. Like chips: can't eat just one. Anyway, what do you want? You have 5 minutes.
Mama: Could I have 19 dollars?
Bubba: What for? For my casket? Because I'll give you 19 dollars over my dead body.
Bubba: A CD just came out that I want it.
Mama: Who? Kenny Rogers? Dolly Parton? Oh! Porter Wagoner Greatest Hits?
Bubba: No. Actually, it's Bigg Booty Mama.
Mama: Big Whata Whata?
Bubba: Bigg Booty Mama, a hip-hop group.
Mama: Bubba, you know how I feel about that music.
Bubba: Grandma, times have changed.
Mama: Well, I haven't! Besides, don't you have a job?
Bubba: Speaking of which, I'm late. At least think about it. I don't want spend my pay check on a CD when I have to put gas in my truck and food in my stomach.
Mama: First off, you drive a scooter and I pay for the food you stuff your face with. Now get going!

(Bubba leaves. Mama turns back to the the TV)

TV (woman): You... you drop that knife! NO! NO!
TV (man): I've had enough of you!
TV (woman): NO!!

(Iola enters)

Iola: Knock, knock.

(Mama is too into the TV)

Iola: Thelma, I said knock-knock.

(Still no answer. Iola taps Mama on the shoulder. She screams)

Mama: Don't kill me!
Iola: Kill you? You know I couldn't hurt a dog, must less my best friend.
Mama: Iola! You scared me death. Why don't you knock?!
Iola: I did. I said knock-knock. What are you watching?
Mama: Never mind. What do you want?
Iola: I came over to borrow a sponge. Actually, I need a couple. It's mother's bath day and I'm going to sew them together because she's just too big to...
Mama: Spare me the details. Help yourself. They're in the bathroom under the sink.
Iola: You are angel. I asked somebody else, but they said no.
Mama: Hell, Iola. This is the 5th bunch of sponges you borrowed in month. You washing your mother or a thorn bush?
Iola: I'll ignore that remark.

(She goes to the bathroom. Bubba walks in and slams the door)

Bubba: Damn him! Damn him! Damn him!
Mama: Bubba, watch your mouth! What's the matter why are you home so early?
Bubba: Apparenly, a guy can't be late for work once. Jenkins, my boss, fired me because I was late.
Mama: You got fired?
Bubba: Can you believe it?! I was their best employee.
Mama: You cleaned the toilets!
Bubba: Yea, but I was darn good at it.

(Iola comes back in)

Iola: Bubba, there must be some mistake. You couldn't have gotten fired because you were late once.
Mama: Were you listening?
Iola: I couldn't help but over hear.
Bubba:: You heard right, Miss Boyland. I got fired because I was late once.
Mama: I'm going to talk to that Jenkins and give him a piece of my mind!

(She walks to the phone, picks it up and dials a number)

(Mama: Yea, can I speak to Mr. Jerkins... I mean Jenkins please. Thank you. (pause) Listen here, bub! Why the hell did you fire my grandson?! This is his first time being late for work! (pause) What? (pause) Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. June. The girl must have gave me the wrong number. (pause) WELL, BACK AT YOU!

(Mama hangs up the phone)

Mama: They need a new girl down there. She thought I said Mr. June.
Bubba: Nancy. And yes, they do need a new girl. She's in her mid-nineties.
Mama: I'll go down to Jenkins Enterprises and have a talk with Mr. Jenkins. Bubba, you wait here until I get back. Cool off. I don't need you shouting swear words down his throat. If worse comes to worse, that's my job.

(She leaves)
***

(Jenkins Enterprises. Mr. Jenkins office. Mr. Jenkins is at his desk)

Woman (behind the shut door): No, you acn't go in their without an appointment!

(Mama opens the door)

Mama: I got your appointment at 5.

(She sticks out her hand)

Mama: 1,2,3,4,5.

(As Mama counts down, she puts her fingers down, making a fist. She holds it against the womans noise)

Jenkins: What the devil is going on?
Woman: This woman just barged in my office and demanded to see you.
Mama: Barged is such an ugly word. I'll put it more like shoved. Which is what I'm going to do to you!
Woman: Bring it on, Granny!
Jenkins: Silence! Mrs. Glass, go back to your desk!
Mrs. Glass: Yes, sir.

(She leaves, closing the door)

Jenkins: Now, Mrs...?
Mama: Harper.
Jenkins: Harper? You wouldn't, by chance, be related to Bubba Higgins?
Mama: That's my grandson. Matter of fact, that's why I'm here. Why did you fire him because he was late one time?
Jenkins: Is that what he told you? I'm afraid to say, your grandson is lying.
Mama: What?
Jenkins: Yes. See, we have a video camera in the bathroom. I was looking at it the other day and I saw Bubba smoking weed.
Mama: Weed? As in Mary Jane? Mowie Wowie?
Jenkins: I have the tape if you want to see it.
Mama: Show me that tape!
***
More?

[needles1987]

Billy Joe is Bubba's brother.