My rant about "online friends VS offline friends"

[Bella_KitKat]

I used to come here more often a few years ago, so I hope some of you remember me. I just mainly read the ChitChat board now, but I've never posted in here before. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, or just need to rant, or whatever. Hopefully you'll tell me So here goes...

I'm 20, BTW. That might be important, I don't know.

Okay, so I go to this Idol fanfiction site, and I wanted to write a fic about last season (season 6). The person I was originally planning to co-write with cancelled on me for one reason or another, so I PMed a new person, asking if she wanted to write with me. That was in June, and this is January, and we're best friends now. We IM and text all the time: she's the best friend I've ever had. Seriously. I love her so much. I've told her things I'd never dream about telling anybody, let alone someone I met online.

I told my mom that she was a friend of a friend I met a camp in Tennessee last summer. So she knows that I don't know her (only through text and IM), but she doesn't know that I met her online. I just didn't want the obligatory "safety" lecture, you know? Blah, blah, blah - I know all that. I'm not stupid.

Around Thanksgiving time, my mom needed to use my phone because my cousin was coming to visit, and they were texting back and forth, and he doesn't have Verizon and it was costing her money. I have 1500 a month out-of-plan texts, so she used my phone that week when I was home. So she read through all of my texts with the friend, and she kinda freaked out, and I ended up getting the lecture I didn't want.

She got freaked out, my impression was, because some of the texts would end with "babe," or "Love ya, babe!" or what not. I have a bunch of online friends on my AIM list, and I call them all "babe" and I tell them all that I love them. Her main point was that it's not traditionally "me" to say all that stuff, but - it's not really a big deal to me. It's not in a romantic sense. True, I don't say it to my RL friends, but...

I felt the need to defend her a bit because my mom went along the line of "you don't know her / she could be somebody bad" and she brought up that Megan Mueller story. She asked me about my friend, what I knew about her, I told her, and then she was like, "you don't know if any of that's the truth."

Then she told me that it's not productive to put so much energy into a relationship that couldn't ever go anywhere, and to that I needed to spend more time trying to make friends at school and keep friends that I already have. I try, I really do, but...our schedules are different, one of my friends never really answers her phone and calls me back, I'm not a big party person, and I'm not one to go places alone, you know? I know that I'm not very sociable sometimes, but...

So that ended, and fast forward to today, when I texted my mom and told her that if she wanted to downgrade my texting from 1500 a month back down to 500, that she could. She said that was good, and i replied back that it was because my friend got Verizon and so it was unlimited free now. Her response was "oh, i thought to you came to your senses about that." i said "about what?" and she typed back "spending time and energy in that so called relationship."

It's like, geez, mom, way to completely disregard what she means to me.


Wow, that turned into a longer rant than I thought. Oops. Sorry, you guys I don't even really know what I want from this...just your opinions?

[Hollow]

don't worry about what she says. you're 20 years old and you seem to know very well what you're doing. she doesn't have to approve.

[dawsongirl]

Originally Posted by Bella_KitKat

It's not in a romantic sense. True, I don't say it to my RL friends, but...

I don't completely act offline the way I do online either, so I wouldn't worry about that.

I felt the need to defend her a bit because my mom went along the line of "you don't know her / she could be somebody bad" and she brought up that Megan Mueller story. She asked me about my friend, what I knew about her, I told her, and then she was like, "you don't know if any of that's the truth."

Okay, maybe I'm just really cynical, but in truth, the people you know in real life could be big fat liars and cheats too. Just because someone chooses to chat online for whatever reason, doesn't mean they are a creepy psychopath.

I can't tell you how many real life friends I've had that stabbed me in the back. RL people aren't always reliable.

Then she told me that it's not productive to put so much energy into a relationship that couldn't ever go anywhere, and to that I needed to spend more time trying to make friends at school and keep friends that I already have. I try, I really do, but...our schedules are different, one of my friends never really answers her phone and calls me back, I'm not a big party person, and I'm not one to go places alone, you know? I know that I'm not very sociable sometimes, but...

I'm thinking your mom is just...idk...traditional. Back when she was your age, there wasn't such a thing as being friends with someone you have never met because there was no internet, no texting, etc. Blind dates were about the worst. Given that, she just may not be able to see how a friendship like yours could work if you never see the person face to face. But it can. You'll just have to prove that to her. And it's not a so-called relationship; it's as real as if she lived next door. And who knows, maybe someday you will get to meet face to face.

[Number 9 Dream]

Hmm, speaking from experience, I can definitely say that there are some very awesome online friendships to be had. I've met people from various forums and sites who are still good friends many years later and I love them to death

I've also met a few shady people online (one of which I met in person), so it can go either way. But that applies to offline friendships too.

I know your Mom is just trying to look out for you, but I think you're old enough to choose your own friends, right? If things don't last with this online friend, I say that's for you to find out

[Number 9 Dream]

Nicely put, Jenny I agree 100%

Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!

I agree. You're 20 years old. They're your friends. It's up to you to make friends not her. Letting someone else pick your friends probably won't make you happy.

I have a few friends here, some of whom I've known longer than others and I wouldn't let someone tell me who my friends should or shouldn't be. If someone had a problem with my choice of friends, I would respect what they have to say, but I wouldn't stop being friends with people because of that. In some ways I relate better to my friends online.

[dawsongirl]

Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!

In some ways I relate better to my friends online.

Me too. I think I must irritate or scare people in real life.

[Bella_KitKat]

Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!

In some ways I relate better to my friends online.

I am so like that, too.

In my mom's defense, though, I fully admit that I really don't try to do stuff outside of school / class with my RL friends. I mean, we see each other in class, maybe once in awhile (like once a month) walking through campus and say "hi" and go to a movie on rare occasions. But..

[Stormtracker TF]

I definitely feel you here. I think there's a lot of wrongful judgment when it comes to online friends, especially from people who automatically assume everyone out there is going to be some type of predator. If you're smart, the chances of getting involved with those type of people is really low.

I also think that online friends can be just as good as offline ones. I've known several of my friends from here for 6 years, and I trust them all as much if not more than any friends I've ever had offline.

The bottom line is you're an adult and your mother should trust your judgment and respect your feelings.

[junecleaver]

a friend is a friend, whether online or in person. I've had just as many true good friends online as i have in person. I think you're 20 years old and can make your own choices by now, and i'm sure you know the safe rules about meeting people from the internet by now. I've met several people from the internet and had good experiences with all of them.

[KayCee]

I have to agree with what everyone said 100%. My parents.. well namely my dad was the same way with me and online friends back when I had no choice but to tell him about joining here now over 4 years ago. I know she's your mom, but ur 20 years old. She has no right to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with anymore cuz ur not a little kid. So yea that's my input.

[OH Nuts!]

Originally Posted by junecleaver

a friend is a friend, whether online or in person. I've had just as many true good friends online as i have in person. I think you're 20 years old and can make your own choices by now, and i'm sure you know the safe rules about meeting people from the internet by now. I've met several people from the internet and had good experiences with all of them.

I see both sides of this. I'm older (52) and not much of a computer person and this is the only online bd I've gone onto. I got really active in SO about 6-7 months ago. Over this time I have a rapport with quite a few people--esp. some posters who have been here a while. They feel just like my friends in "real life." But I'm not the type to get too caught up in a friendship with someone I've never seen in person and I have a lot of hobbies and interests where I'm meeting people constantly. To paraphrase someone I really like on SO balance is the key. If you find things too lopsided one way or another then its time to regroup.

One thing I would never do is go on line to meet someone for romantic or dating purposes. Again, I meet so many people through hobbies & interests there's PLENTY of opportunities there. And SO is pretty much good clean fun.

[bingbangbaby]

Originally Posted by Bella_KitKat

In my mom's defense, though, I fully admit that I really don't try to do stuff outside of school / class with my RL friends. I mean, we see each other in class, maybe once in awhile (like once a month) walking through campus and say "hi" and go to a movie on rare occasions. But..

But would that be any different without your online friend? I was that way when I was in my 20's and I know for me it wouldn't have been a bit different whether I had any online friends or not (if the internet had existed) If it would be different without you're online friend, or if you're losing or alienating other friends then maybe you should re-evaluate the situation.

Also I like that twice in this thread you said "in my mom's defense..."
That means that you respect her opinion and you do hear her, and maybe you can approach her that way if the subject comes up again. If you let her know you are hearing her and you respect what she has to say, and tell her you have a gut feeling about this that it's ok but that you'll be careful anyway (be sure to say that part because that's her worry) but that you aren't going to stop talking to your friend for now, I bet she might be ok with it. She's just worried about you and if you can talk to her like the adult that you are and let her know she has your respect and your ear, I bet she'll come around. Works with my mom, anyway. I'm past 40 and she still likes to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. (And honestly...she usually does know best, except in things she might not have all the information about).
And I guess lastly, sorry...I have to say it...maybe take a step back and evaluate the relationship and make sure your mom isn't seeing something you aren't. As long as you feel good about it and it's not unsafe or unhealthy, then you're fine...and what would it hurt to just take an objective look at it to be sure? And then you can tell your mom you did, too.

[TripperFan]

Heya Kit! Glad to see you posted!

I gotta agree with everyone that I treasure my online friends every bit as much as I do my "real life" friends and acquaintances.

I'm just wondering and thinking about this from another angle we might not have considered that your mom's coming from. It's possible (and in particular if you're on the shy side) that she's wanting you to develop "real life" social skills that will carry you through life and your career. As we've said, we tend to be a little different online than we are in our lives (me, not so much cuz I'm an old bag and no longer give a damn if everyone loves me or not! LOL ). Maybe she feels you tend to be more extroverted online, whereas it would help you in your school or work. It's just a thought.

But I agree - whether it's online or in our real lives, we never truly know exactly who ANYONE is. I suppose in some ways it might be safer in real life, but as long as you're not a total bonehead online posting personal info to everyone and for anyone to track you down I say there's no harm. To me, as long as there's a pretty even balance, it's no big deal.

[rydin]

interesting post i think everyone has gone through something like this with an online friend

[Bella_KitKat]

Hey!

Maybe she feels you tend to be more extroverted online, whereas it would help you in your school or work.

Well, yeah, I am more extroverted online. (Not in a freaky way, though, LOL) I mean, I have friends online. I'd like to think I'm somewhat popular, on the few sites that I go to.
What was my point to this anyway?

but as long as you're not a total bonehead online posting personal info to everyone and for anyone to track you down I say there's no harm.

Haha, I'd like to think I'm not. But, yeah, I won't do MySpace just because I think it's weird. I don't care how good a friend you are, I will not get one, not even if I can set it to private. I only got Facebook because my friends had one and I thought it might be a bit "private-er" than MySpace. Even then, I barely use it. I just play the games and take the quizzes, LOL

Originally Posted by TripperFan

It's possible (and in particular if you're on the shy side) that she's wanting you to develop "real life" social skills that will carry you through life and your career.

To me, as long as there's a pretty even balance, it's no big deal.

See, I'm the first to admit that there's not really an even balance for me. I don't have as many real life friends as I do online friends. Oh, I have people that I went to high school with and we hang out sometimes - rarely - but I'm not really one to make new friends. I know that it's bad and whatever, I'm just...not outgoing.