i need some advice immediately.

[so elektrikkxx]

this is about the fifth fight i've had with my mom these past few months about my sexuality. as i told some of you i came out as bisexual at the end of november, to my dad. we were having a talk about some things and i happened to bring it up to him because he somehow had an idea about it and he dragged it out of me. he was accepting, but not happy about it and he told me it was something i should tell my mom. i was nervous because i knew she doesnt accept it and would ridicule me to no end, and i was right.

she also kind of found out because she saw it on my myspace, in the little box where it says 'status/orientation/etc.' and she always has suspected it? everyone has. i'm bisexual but i am much more attracted to guys and i've always known it, i just used to try to deny it because i was scared of how people would treat me if they knew. all of my friends accept me for me and the least i expect from my mom is that she will accept it enough that she won't tell me every day how "immoral" and "wrong" i am, and that there's something seriously wrong with me. she tells me no son of hers will wear makeup, act like a girl, or want to **** other guys. she says she is telling me this for my own good. but it hurts, a lot, that she is this hateful about who i am and about something i can't change. she has told me she expects me to change, but i cant. if i could, id have done it in the seventh grade when i realized i was very attracted to my best guy friend.

she also won't let me go anywhere or use myspace or any other real form of communication until i "change", and changing according to her is becoming a "normal young man". she specifically said she will never accept me for who i am, and it hurts.

what should i do? i can't listen to her say these things and when i tell her that it's hard for ME to be in this position, she says "well how hard do you think it is for me" blah blah blah. what she's saying hurts, and I don't know how to show her that this is who i am, and how she's treating me is wrong.

[Hollow]

what i would do is try to educate her. attraction is something that just IS. you can't control what kind of people you're attracted to, and you can't make the feelings go away, no matter how much you may want to. but maybe over time, she'll get used to it and be more accepting. good luck with it all.

[Dutabi84]

As well as I'm sure you know, sexuality isn't something you choose, despite what some people might try to tell you. It's real unfortunate that your mom can't accept the way you are. Trying to convince people who are dead-set in their beliefs of something they can't grasp surely isn't easy. I'd suggest maybe talking to a professional, but even then, it's probably something that will take time for your mom to come to accept.

[Ireneparalegal]

When you told your mom, was your father with you? If you told him and he said you needed to tell your mom, he should have been there with you. You all need to sit down and discuss this.

Your mother is naive and truly believes you can change. You can't and you shouldn't. She is one of those who believes that homosexuals just one day wake up and say, "Hey I think I would like to be gay so the whole world can accept me for who I am and even if they treat me like dirt, hate me, call me vile names, it doesn't matter. I think I would love that lifestyle." Of course that is not how it is but naive people think it is. Let them think that because THEY WON'T CHANGE no more than you will.

You can only talk and discuss this so much. She either will accept you and love you no matter what or disown you. It is her choice. Respect how she feels but don't think you can't be who you were born to be.

I speak from experience, having a daughter who suffered from depression because she thought what she was feeling was wrong and how would I deal with it. I embraced my daughter with open arms and let her know that her sexual orientation changes nothing abt how I feel for her and love her. She is the same daughter I gave birth to and I cannot imagine turning my back on her for being born gay. I suspected something when she was 4 years old. I was right.

I hope and pray things work out for the best, whether your mother is there for you or not, at least your dad sounds like he is. Good luck.

[Courtnee]

Originally Posted by bright eyes

this is about the fifth fight i've had with my mom these past few months about my sexuality. as i told some of you i came out as bisexual at the end of november, to my dad. we were having a talk about some things and i happened to bring it up to him because he somehow had an idea about it and he dragged it out of me. he was accepting, but not happy about it and he told me it was something i should tell my mom. i was nervous because i knew she doesnt accept it and would ridicule me to no end, and i was right.

she also kind of found out because she saw it on my myspace, in the little box where it says 'status/orientation/etc.' and she always has suspected it? everyone has. i'm bisexual but i am much more attracted to guys and i've always known it, i just used to try to deny it because i was scared of how people would treat me if they knew. all of my friends accept me for me and the least i expect from my mom is that she will accept it enough that she won't tell me every day how "immoral" and "wrong" i am, and that there's something seriously wrong with me. she tells me no son of hers will wear makeup, act like a girl, or want to **** other guys. she says she is telling me this for my own good. but it hurts, a lot, that she is this hateful about who i am and about something i can't change. she has told me she expects me to change, but i cant. if i could, id have done it in the seventh grade when i realized i was very attracted to my best guy friend.

she also won't let me go anywhere or use myspace or any other real form of communication until i "change", and changing according to her is becoming a "normal young man". she specifically said she will never accept me for who i am, and it hurts.

what should i do? i can't listen to her say these things and when i tell her that it's hard for ME to be in this position, she says "well how hard do you think it is for me" blah blah blah. what she's saying hurts, and I don't know how to show her that this is who i am, and how she's treating me is wrong.

Mike, you've done NOTHING wrong here, your mother is the one who has to change, not you.

[so elektrikkxx]

Originally Posted by Ireneparalegal

When you told your mom, was your father with you? If you told him and he said you needed to tell your mom, he should have been there with you. You all need to sit down and discuss this.

Your mother is naive and truly believes you can change. You can't and you shouldn't. She is one of those who believes that homosexuals just one day wake up and say, "Hey I think I would like to be gay so the whole world can accept me for who I am and even if they treat me like dirt, hate me, call me vile names, it doesn't matter. I think I would love that lifestyle." Of course that is not how it is but naive people think it is. Let them think that because THEY WON'T CHANGE no more than you will.

You can only talk and discuss this so much. She either will accept you and love you no matter what or disown you. It is her choice. Respect how she feels but don't think you can't be who you were born to be.

I speak from experience, having a daughter who suffered from depression because she thought what she was feeling was wrong and how would I deal with it. I embraced my daughter with open arms and let her know that her sexual orientation changes nothing abt how I feel for her and love her. She is the same daughter I gave birth to and I cannot imagine turning my back on her for being born gay. I suspected something when she was 4 years old. I was right.

I hope and pray things work out for the best, whether your mother is there for you or not, at least your dad sounds like he is. Good luck.

my dad is there for me when it comes down to it but even he is trying to make me "change" by forcing me to pray for salvation to god, so god can take the "evil demons" out of my heart that cause my attractions toward guys. my dad also wasnt there when i told my mom and now my mom blames him for all of this because he had the talk with me and made me feel like what i am feeling is okay. another part of it is that my mom doesnt want me to EXPRESS myself for how i really am because she wont have a son who wears makeup, has perfectly straight and well-groomed hair, and who wears tighter pants than her. she says i have to put aside my feelings of attraction in addition to not letting the world know how i really feel. she told me she expects me to hide my orientation from the world, to save both myself and her ridicule.

hearing the way you responded to your daughter makes me really happy. it makes me feel good to know that you allowed her to be herself, she's very lucky to have a wonderful mother like you.

[so elektrikkxx]

Originally Posted by safety pin

what i would do is try to educate her. attraction is something that just IS. you can't control what kind of people you're attracted to, and you can't make the feelings go away, no matter how much you may want to. but maybe over time, she'll get used to it and be more accepting. good luck with it all.

i've sat down and tried to educate her on it. ive told her that i have been attracted to guys starting at a young age. like, when i knew my other guy friends were becoming interested in girls, i did too but i would also be interested in guys too. i've tried to tell her about my attempts to change before i realized i couldnt. all my mom says is that im wrong and shes just doing what she thinks is best for me, because she isnt going to "let her son go down the wrong path". she doesnt understand its just something that is the way it is.

Originally Posted by Dutabi84

As well as I'm sure you know, sexuality isn't something you choose, despite what some people might try to tell you. It's real unfortunate that your mom can't accept the way you are. Trying to convince people who are dead-set in their beliefs of something they can't grasp surely isn't easy. I'd suggest maybe talking to a professional, but even then, it's probably something that will take time for your mom to come to accept.

i have suggested talking to a professional and family therapy but she refuses, because she says i am the one who is wrong and she won't let anyone tell her otherwise. but i have tried that. she is probably never going to accept it, unless something huge happens. like this kid i know who was in my exact same position, started doing drugs because he couldnt stand the way his parents treated him over his sexuality. and when he was in rehab and could have died, his parents then realized it was more important that he is healthy than straight. and thats when they accepted it. but i'm not going to do what he did. just because it worked for him doesnt mean i should do the same. but this is difficult, something id hoped to avoid until my adult years.

and Courtnee, i agree with you. the only thing is, my mom is never going to change. and i know that.

[Ireneparalegal]

Originally Posted by bright eyes

my dad is there for me when it comes down to it but even he is trying to make me "change" by forcing me to pray for salvation to god, so god can take the "evil demons" out of my heart that cause my attractions toward guys. my dad also wasnt there when i told my mom and now my mom blames him for all of this because he had the talk with me and made me feel like what i am feeling is okay. another part of it is that my mom doesnt want me to EXPRESS myself for how i really am because she wont have a son who wears makeup, has perfectly straight and well-groomed hair, and who wears tighter pants than her. she says i have to put aside my feelings of attraction in addition to not letting the world know how i really feel. she told me she expects me to hide my orientation from the world, to save both myself and her ridicule.

hearing the way you responded to your daughter makes me really happy. it makes me feel good to know that you allowed her to be herself, she's very lucky to have a wonderful mother like you.

Thank you sweetie. Being a parent means accepting your children and loving them no matter what. Even when they are at their worst, we must be there for them to help them.

I feel for you and I can only say if your mother is not accepting of you and it sounds like she is using the whole "religion card" on you, then all you can tell her is, "Mom, God made me this way. The way you believe in God, you then should believe he made me the way I am."

Not to make a funny point, but I can't help but remember what comedian Chris Rock said, "Be careful who you hate in life, because they will end up in your family. If you hate gays, you will have a gay child. If you hate black people, your daughter will end up marrying a black guy."

My sister has her religious beliefs as well and little by little I am helping her to understand that the same God she prays to and believes in (just like I do) is the same God who made my daughter. He didn't write the bible. People wrote the bible and interpreted what God says and wants from us. From my catholic education I was taught to not be judgmental, only God does that.

I suggest trying therapy FOR YOU. To learn to deal with this strained relationship. My daughter and I attended therapy together for awhile just to help the adjustment she was going through. Her therapist told her how lucky she was to have a mother like me to be so loving. But most of all, it helped her to understand better and ease out of her depression.

I went to a funeral in May for a young girl who killed herself because her parents were not accepting of her sexual orientation. That was devastating to see that young girl in that coffin.

I pray you will find solace in knowing that there are many who understand what you are going through and you can only help yourself in the end regardless of who is there for you or not.

[so elektrikkxx]

Originally Posted by Ireneparalegal

Thank you sweetie. Being a parent means accepting your children and loving them no matter what. Even when they are at their worst, we must be there for them to help them.

I feel for you and I can only say if your mother is not accepting of you and it sounds like she is using the whole "religion card" on you, then all you can tell her is, "Mom, God made me this way. The way you believe in God, you then should believe he made me the way I am."

Not to make a funny point, but I can't help but remember what comedian Chris Rock said, "Be careful who you hate in life, because they will end up in your family. If you hate gays, you will have a gay child. If you hate black people, your daughter will end up marrying a black guy."

My sister has her religious beliefs as well and little by little I am helping her to understand that the same God she prays to and believes in (just like I do) is the same God who made my daughter. He didn't write the bible. People wrote the bible and interpreted what God says and wants from us. From my catholic education I was taught to not be judgmental, only God does that.

I suggest trying therapy FOR YOU. To learn to deal with this strained relationship. My daughter and I attended therapy together for awhile just to help the adjustment she was going through. Her therapist told her how lucky she was to have a mother like me to be so loving. But most of all, it helped her to understand better and ease out of her depression.

I went to a funeral in May for a young girl who killed herself because her parents were not accepting of her sexual orientation. That was devastating to see that young girl in that coffin.

I pray you will find solace in knowing that there are many who understand what you are going through and you can only help yourself in the end regardless of who is there for you or not.

it really hurts me though. i always thought my mother would be there to help me through everything and when i couldnt count on anyone, she would be the one i could always count on/go to. but now i see that isnt the case and that she isnt necessarily who i thought she was.

part of it is because shes ashamed of me and she always tells me im an embarrassment to the family. ive been to a councelor at school who says that with time, my mom will become more accepting. but i have a hard time believing that, as much as id like to. she hasnt changed one bit since i came out, no matter how much ive sat her down and talked about it, and burst into tears because i didnt feel like she understood.

i just want to be the best person i can be and comfortable with myself. i hate how i cant do it here at home, but thank you for being here to talk it means a lot to me.

[MonarC]

This is where I have a problem with the whole religion thing among other things. Sure, so maybe some religious teachings say that god wanted a man to be with a woman. I was taught that it is wrong for you to be with your same sex. I believe that if you have these feeling it is for a reason. You have to be who you are and it will be hard for parents, who expect their child to grow up and fit the mold that they choose for them in their minds, to deal with things like this. My father has a hard time dealing with my choice not to go to church and not to follow what I was taught, but that is my choice and I love him but he just has to deal with that. I wish all the best for you and hope that you will get throught this a stronger person.

[RoryGilmore]

hmmm...everything I was thinking has already been said....


Your mom will eventually come around, it takes some people longer than others, I live in a small conservative town and one of my best friends is bisexual and I see everyday how much crap he gets because of it, I hope you dont have to go through what he does and I hope your mom comes around as well.

[Max Whittaker]

My advice is avoid the discussion if at all possible. She has her opinion. You are who you are. Her opinion cannot change that. But it will do no good to argue.


Over time, through the years, perhaps she will grow used to the idea. Hopefully she will accept it. But don't let her hostility get in the way of your love for her. At this time, it's an issue neither of you can agree on. Leave it at that and be her son.

You only have so much time with her. I'm not trying to guilt you. I'm just saying. Leave this issue to be worked out through time. She only just found out. It will take time.

In any case, best of luck with your romantic life!

[so elektrikkxx]

thanks guys.
my mom said i can have my myspace back as soon as she thinks i honestly believe its unacceptable for a guy to want to wear makeup and post pictures of it on myspace for everyone to see.

i tried to come to an agreement with her that i wont tell her things she doesnt want to know, and she said she will try to accept what she cant change, which will be easier if it isnt like, in her face. so we are trying to come to an agreement, which is good.

[MonarC]

That is a good start.

[so elektrikkxx]

yeah, it is.

i think if both me and her give some effort to understand eachother, it will work out eventually.