X-Mas Quotes (includes quotes from the ABC specials):

[Frank Gannucci]

All from "Run, Santa, Run":

#1

(Ed thinks that Trixie is pregnant.)

Ed: "Trixie, are you with elf?"

Trixie: "No, I'm with nincompoop."

#2

(Ralph thinks that Alice is going to be pregnant.)

Ralph: "When can we expect the happy occassion?

Alice: "After I go to the buther's and get you two lamb chops."

Ralph (to Ed): "Did you hear that? It's going to be twins."

#3

Ralph: "I'm going to be Santa Claus."

Ed: "Why can't I be Santa Claus?"

(Ed looks at how fat Ralph is.)

Ed: "On second thought, you should be Santa Claus."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 1" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":

Trixie: "Would you like to hear what Ed gave me?"

Alice: "You mean he gave you your present?"

Trixie: "He couldn't wait to give it to me. Do you know what he gave me?"

Alice: "What?"

Trixie: "An orange juice squeezer."

Alice: "An orange juice squeezer?"

Trixie: "It's no ordinary orange juice squeezer. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 2" & "'Twas The Night Before
Christmas":

(In the last few minutes of the episodes, Alice unwraps her present.)

Alice: "Ralph, it's beautiful."

Ralph: "You like it?"

Alice: "Yes."

Ralph: "Good and it's practical too. You squeeze the orange on top of Napolean's head and the juice squirts out of his ears."

"Honeymooners Christmas Party Part 1":

Joe The Bartender (played by Jackie Gleason): "Is this your wrap?"

Francis Langford (as herself): "Yes."

Joe (putting her coat around her): "Well, here let me wrap you."

All from “Honeymooners Christmas Carol”:

#1

Ed: “These two parts that I am playing. What is my motivation? What is my feel?”

Ralph: “What is your motivation? What is your feel?” (making a fist): “This is your motivation. Do you want to feel it?”

Ed: “Ralph you wouldn’t hit a 10-year-old who is also an 80-year-old, would you?”

#2

(Ralph has an assgot on which looks like a very big tie.)

Ralph: “A man with my broad talent has to work with amateurs.”

Alice: “The only thing broad about you Ralph is your assgot.”

#3

Alice: “You got Ed playing an 80-year-old man and a 10-year-old at the same time? What did you say the name of this play was?”

Ralph: “’A Christmas Carol.’”

Alice: “Are you sure it isn’t’ Two Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?’”

All from “Honeymooners Christmas Special”:

#1

(Ralph comes home to find out that Trixie, Alice & Alice’s Mom are there and they are all angry at him for taking their money as well as not depositing Alice’s Dad’s social security check.)

Ralph: “You are all right. I took all your money. I cashed in my own paycheck and I borrowed off my life-insurance and I even took my Raccoon Pension Plan. I put all that money into one lump sum and I invested in the greatest idea I ever had.”

Alice: “What Is that?”

Ralph: “Stand back.”

(Ralph gets a small paper bag.)

Ralph: “It is in this bag?”

(Ralph opens it. A bunch of pieces of paper out.)

Ralph: “Lottery tickets.”

Ed: “And you thought that Ralph was crazy.”

Trixie: “I will vouch for that.”

Ed: “He is as sane as I am.”

#2

Ralph: “What is your mother doing in the bathroom? She has been in there for and hour and a half.”

Alice: “She is doing what every woman does when they go to bed. She is putting on her beauty cream.”

Ralph: “Let her put some vanishing cream on and disappear.”

#3

Ralph: “You (Alice’s Mom) have convinced Alice to leave me you old bat.”

Alice’s Mom: “I take that from whence it comes.”

Ralph (making a fist): “Take this from whence it comes.”

All from "'Twas The Night Before Christmas":

#1:

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "ALICE! ALICE!"

(Alice opens the window.)

Alice (yells): "WHAT DO YOU WANT TRIXIE?"

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "DO YOU HAVE ANY ORANGES?"

Alice (yells): "YES. I WILL GIVE THEM TO YOU."

Trixie (from upstairs, yells): "THANK YOU."

Ralph: "What does she think this is, a grocery store?"

#2:

Alice: "I'll tell you where I hid your gift. It's on the top shelf of the closet. I'm going up to see Trixie."

Ralph: "It makes no difference to me where you hid my gift."

(Alice leaves and Ralph goes to get his gift. His hand gets cuaght in a mousetrap.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

#3:

(Ralph shows Ed what he got Alice by going under the ice box. His hand gets caught in the mousetrap that is under there.)

Ralph (yells): "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Ed (thinking that the trap is the gift): "That is beautiful Ralph."

#4

Ralph (to Alice): "You know something sweetheart? Christmas is ...well it's about the best time of the whole year. You walk down the streets even weeks before Christmas comes and there are lights hanging up - red ones and green ones. Sometimes there's snow. Everybody's hustling someplace. But they don't hustle around Christmas time like they usually do. You know, they're a little friendlier. They bump into you and they laugh and say 'Pardon me, Merry Christmas'. Especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home - you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringing, kids are singing, and the snow is coming down and boy, what a pleasure it is to think that you got someplace to go to and the place your going to has someone in it that you really love. Someone that you're nuts about. Merry Christmas!"

(Audience claps. Jackie stops the curtain from closing.)

Jackie (as himself): "Hold up. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, we usually don't step out of character, but tonight I think that it's proper that Mr. and Mrs. Kramden and Mr. Mrs. Norton wish everybody a Merry Christmas. Would you come in here Nortons?"

(The Nortons come out.)

Jackie: "There they are."

(Everyone bows to the crowd's applause.)

Merry Christmas to all!