Friday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Christmas Part 1

[Frank Gannucci]

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

(Ralph picks up a burnt jacket.)

Ralph: "Is this your idea of a joke Norton?"

Ed: "No, that is my idea of a burn."

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

Butler: "Mr. Marshall will be here shortly. He is in the library."

Ed: "The library?"

(Ed looks at watch.)

Ed: "He ought to be here soon. The library closes at 9."

"Mama Loves Mambo":

Mrs. Manicotti: "But Mr. Kramden, it is fun."

(She does the mambo.)

Ralph: "And you, at your age, ought to be ashmaed of yourself."

"Finders Keepers":

(Ralph & Ed are in the automat across the street from the Cornelius
Vanderbilt Statue.)

Ralph (reading the clues): "'Cornelisu will be watching you...'"

Ed: "Wait a minute."

(Ed walks away, goes through the revolving door, and then he comes
back.)

Ralph: "Now, what did you just do?"

Ed: "Okay, Corny is watching us."

"King Of The Castle":

Ralph: "Watch how it should be done. It is all in the form."

(Ralph does some body movements and then bowls.)

Ed: "Lucky shot. You managed to knock down one pin."

"King Of The Castle":

Alice: "I thought you were leaving forever."

Ralph: "I wouldn't give you the satisfaction."

"Two For The Money":

Ralph: "Happy is the worst horse. I saw them take the bandages off
the horse."

Ed: "Yeah, Happy had a bad headache."

Man: "If he had bandages on his legs, why didn't he stretch them?"

Ed: "Happy didn't have to do that. They put Olive Oil on his legs before they put the bandages on."

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Why don't you take advantage of the time you have now and go
to sleep."

Ralph: "You're right. Sorry I yelled at you. Good night."

(Ralph goes to the bedroom. The alarm clock rings. It's 5am. Time to go to work for Ralph. Ralph brings the alarm clock out and has a weird look on his face while Audrey tries her best not to laugh.)

Ralph (yells): "IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK. IT'S FIVE O' CLOCK."

Now on for my skit:

(The Kramdens & Nortons along with the rest of the Racoons are going aboard a train. Ed & Ralph have their Raccoon uniforms on.)

Ralph: "Boy, Norton what fun we are going to have at this Christmas holiday convention."

Ed: "Yeah, and to top it all off, when all of us and our families gather together for Christmas Eve and night, we will all celebrate along with the fact that you selected a special celebrity to sing for us."

Ralph: "Well, I ain't going to tell. It's a surprise. All I can say is that she's a female singer."

Ed: "Va-va-voom!"

Alice: "What fun we are going to have huh Trixie?"

Trixie: "Yes, sir. This will be a great Christmas we are going to celebrate."

Ralph: "Yes, and we will celebrate it in that action city...Miami Beach."

(Studio audience cheers.)

Ralph: "As a matter of fact, since the Racoons have taken over this train, we might as well call this: 'The Great Raccoon Express.'"

Ed: "Boy, I can't wait for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day when we open our gifts as well as see that special celebrity guest that Ralph won't tell that he invited to sing for all of us."

Ralph: "Yeah, well. All I can say is that she's a good singer."

(On the train, all the Raccoons get drunk and wasted on beer.)

(When the train arrives at the station, Ralph sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "MIAMI BEACH!"

Ed: "Yeah, when we get here, I want to take a look underneath the streets. I heard that Miami Beach has got the greatest sewers in the world."

(Audience cheers.)

Ralph: "Typical you, Norton."

(Alice's parents come much to Ralph's chagrin.)

Alice's Mom: "Hiya Santa."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"

Alice: "Mom, I am so happy that you came to see us get off the train."

Ralph: "I wish you would get on the tracks."

Alice's Mom: "What is the weather up in New York?"

Ralph: "It's beautiful. So beautiful that I think you should go back home."

Alice: "Ralph!"

(Trixie's parents come by too.)

(It's Christmas Eve night. All the Raccoons and their families are at the Raccoon concert at a nightclub on Miami Beach. Ralph is going to introduce his special guest.)

Ralph: "I think she is due here any minute. I hear her walking. Here she is..."

(To be continued.)