Monday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Thanksgiving:

[Frank Gannucci]

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ed: "One time when I was in the Navy, I had a brain tumor so I went to see a doctor. After the doctor removed it, all the boys said to me: 'What did he remove, the tumor or the brain?'"

Ralph: "You don't have to ask me. I know what he removed."

"Something Fishy":

Ralph: "When did you ever catch anything?"

Alice: "15 years ago. I caught 300 lbs. of blubber."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "When we get to Fred's Landing, I won't even let you meet Fred."

Alice: "From this blow, I may never recover."

"Vacation At Fred's Landing":

Ralph: "Millions of people go to Fred's Landing."

Alice: "Millions, huh? Name one."

Ralph: "All right. Fred."

"Case of The Cuckoo Thief":

(Alice comes over and shows Ralph a Cuckoo Alarm Clock.)

Alice: "I was thinking about buying it for someone."

Ralph: "For who?"

Alice: "For, um…my brother."

Ralph: "If there is one thing that your family doesn't need, it's another cuckoo."

"A Weighty Problem Part 1":

(Ralph comes in looking all upset.)

Ed: "Well Ralph, what kind of day has it been today? Has it been a day like all others or one that illuminates our lives?"

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

"Without Reservations":

(Ralph and Ed are in the run-down hotel.)

Ralph: "Would you stop with the wisecracks Norton? When the girls get here I wanna make a good impression!"

Ed: "If you wanna make a good impression, keep the door shut!"

"Opportunity Knocks, But":

(Ralph's boss made Ed Ralph's supervisor.)

Ralph: "It's not my pride."

Alice: "Well, your job is still the same."

Ralph: "Let's face it Alice. When Norton becomes my boss, I'm quitting."

Alice: "Why?"

Ralph: "I got my pride."

"Hot Tip" (Color version):

Ralph: "Where did you get that jacket?"

Ed: "That is what they are wearing down at the track."

Ralph: "Yeah, the horses. But not the people."

Now on for my skit:

(The Kramdens & Nortons arrive at Alice's mother's for Thanksgiving.)

Alice's Mom: "Hello Alice. Hi Sonny Boy! Don't eat all of the turkey."

Ed: "Hahahahaha."

Ralph: "Don't start anything Norton or I will cream you."

(Everyone exchanges their hellos.)]

Ed: "You know something Ralph. I had a turkey dinner with my fellow sewerworkers, but the tide came in."

Ralph: "Don't make me lose my appetite Norton or you will get yours."

(Everyone settles at the table.)

Ralph: "Well, I am thankful for this dinner, having a lovely wife, friends, my job, as well as I get to spend my summer vacations at Miami Beach."

(Crowd cheers.)

Ed: "That is a good one Ralph. You know, I had Thanksgiving where I work."

Alice's Dad: "Where do you work?"

Ed: "I work in a place that is great. I work in the sewer. We had turkey day, but the tide came in and washed the turkey away. All of us had to swim in the dirty water to get it."

(Ralph rolls his eyes.)

Ed: "I am thankful for..."

(Ed coughs the same way he did in the Color Honeymooners.)

Ed: "Fellow Raccoons, I mean fellow people. I am thankful for having my sewer job, having a lovely wife and having friends in the Kramdens especially Ralph. He literally is a big friend. He's a sweet kid."

Ralph: "Thank you Norton."

Alice: "I am thankful for having a husband like RAlph, having wonderul parents, living in the USA where we are free, and having wonderful friends."

Trixie: "Same here Alice. I am thankful for living in a country where we are against terroirsm and that we have great troops."

All: "Here! Here!"

Ralph: "Let's eat."

(Everyone eats.)

(Jackie Gleason comes out for the curtain call. Audience applauds.)

Jackie: "If there is one more thing that I am thankful for is that I get to perform in front of the gretest audiences in the world, the Miami Beach audiences. GOOD NIGHT!"

(Crowd cheers.)