I need honest feedback, ASAP

[Number 9 Dream]

Hey all...I am in dire need of constructive and honest feedback, folks. I've been slaving on this poem for my Poetry Workshop class, but I am not sure if I like it and/or the theme of the poem is clear to the audience. I would REALLY appreciate it if a few people here (or even just one or two people) could give me advice or suggestions on how to improve it (if needed). I would also like you to tell me a few things 1.) How does the narrator in this poem feel? 2.) How does the other woman feel? and 3.) Did this poem get the conflict across effectively? 4.) Do you get it? Like it? Hate it? I will not hate you for giving me your honest, brutal opinion either! Trust me, I can take it! (Plus, my professor is VERY honest when it comes to this stuff, so I'm beyond being hurt by now, lol).



I am looking for comments on this tonight (like, within an hour or two!) because it's due tomorrow morning. Thanks!

(By the way, it is currently untitled).



I remember how
you used to dress me
with such methodical vigor;
your hands pulled me in to
a pink pyjama cocoon,
fingers stiff with a cool rigor,

the same hands that
rolled dough on our tomb slate counter
and pounded away yeast powder dreams
as I crouched at your ankles,
tugging away at
bursting seams.

Soon, I began to dress myself
in short skirts
and night gowns too sheer.
I waited expectantly for the talk,
only to get a pregnancy pamphlet
and the sigh of "Everything you need to know about men is in here."



(P.S. I did use a rhyme scheme, which I hate, lol. I think it's cheesy).

[bingbangbaby]

Ok, I'll try.

Originally Posted by Number 9 Dream

I would REALLY appreciate it if a few people here (or even just one or two people) could give me advice or suggestions on how to improve it (if needed).

that's really hard because poetry is so objective and reflective of the poet's feelings. If it feels/seems right to you then the reader should be pondering it (like a piece of art) to get your meaning. Right? Anyway, I think if it says what you want it to say and convey then it's great. Maybe the answers to your questions will help you more.

1.) How does the narrator in this poem feel?
Like they've always trusted this person to take care of them and look out for them but now with this most important subject the person let them down; like there was advice to share and it wasn't shared

2.) How does the other woman feel?
It seems like a caretaker like a mother or maybe a young mother, right? These lines: fingers stiff with a cool rigor,...the same hands that
rolled dough on our tomb slate counter and pounded away yeast powder dreams seem like it was a job thrust on this person unwillingly or before they were ready. I took "yeast powder dreams" to mean the other woman's dreams that she couldn't fulfill because she was caught there with the kid. Fingers stiff...rigor also sounds like someone just doing what needs to be done more so than doing something very lovingly. I also assume this is a woman who has had some kids unexpectedly or too young and was also dressing in "short skirts and nightgowns too sheer" which is why the second character would be waiting/expecting to get the talk and surprised when she got a pamphlet instead, keeping the cycle going? Sorry if I'm wrong!

3.) Did this poem get the conflict across effectively?
If I got your drift in question 2 then I'd say yes

4.) Do you get it? Like it? Hate it?
I think I get it unless I'm totally wrong on what your intention was. I like it just fine

Good luck!

[Number 9 Dream]

Wow, you are awesome, thank you soooooo much. You have no idea how relieved I am. You were right on the money with your thoughts, by the way. You rock!

[bingbangbaby]

Hee hee...well if I was right on the money then your poem rocks

[Number 9 Dream]

Why thank you! You seriously made my night.

Do you think it could benefit from another stanza? More specifically, one more stanza between the second and last one to provide more of a transition?

Originally Posted by bingbangbaby

Hee hee...well if I was right on the money then your poem rocks

[bingbangbaby]

I think it's ok as is, unless you have more insight into the characters to add; but your point is made and your characters are clear as is. I suppose if you think your teacher is going to want another stanza then it would benefit from another stanza

[Number 9 Dream]

Cool, I may add one then (he is very picky!)

Anyone else have anything to add?