The Exorcist (FOL style) - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

NickatNite-FOL-fan · 07-21-2001, 02:25 AM

(New York, NY- Father Merrin is at Central Park where a dig is going on)
Digger: Look what I found!
(He hands Father Merrin what appears to be a pink hair curler. The priest looks up at a statue of a demonic debutante. And goes back to his home.)

(Peekskill, NY- Mrs. Garret and the girls-except Blair- are setting the tables in the cafeteria)

MG: Where's Blair?

Tootie: She's still asleep.

Nat: I don't think she's feeling good. She kept moaning and coughing all night.

Jo: I still say it was the fumes from her hairspray! Even I was coughing!

MG: I guess I should go check on her.

(Mrs. Garret walks upstairs to the girls' room. Blair is sitting on her bed playing with the Ouija board)

MG: Are you feeling alright?

Blair: Sure. Why?

MG: Then I suggest you put up that game and go downstairs and give us a hand.

Blair: This isn't a game. It's real.

MG: But how can you play by yourself?

Blair: Because Miss Clairol tells me the answers.

MG: What?

Blair: I ask her the questions and she says the answers. Watch. (talking with eyes closed and hands on the board) Miss Clairol? Do you think Mrs. Garret is pretty? That's not nice! Her hair is just fine!

MG: Hmmm... (to herself) I guess it's just something she's into. Blaming her opinions on something else. (to Blair) Well, don't take too long. I expect you downstairs in half an hour.

(She exits and goes downstairs)

Jo: So is it the fumes?

MG: No she's playing with the Ouija board.

Jo: WHAT? Instead of helping she's playing a stupid game?! That's it!

(Jo runs upstairs and ignores Mrs. Garret calling out to her. Jo swings the bedroom door open)

Jo: Blair! Get down there and help!

(Blair looks at Jo with an evil look)

Blair: NO!

Jo: (shock) What?! Don't make me come after you!

Blair: Go away, grease monkey!

Jo: That's it! I'm gonna...

(Bolts toward Blair. Blair backhands her across the room)

(Demoninc voice) Blair: Keep away! This girl is mine! (picks up a brush and says in a squeaky voice)Perm me! Perm me! Perm me! (slams down on her bed and starts growling. Jo runs downstairs)

Jo: (hysterical)Help! Blair's gone psycho! Call the mental hospital! She's insane!

MG: What did she do and what happened to your face?

Jo: She backhanded me across the room!

Nat: WOW! Blair hits Jo! This will make a great headline in the school paper!

Jo: If you print that, you'll have to start an obituary for yourself.

MG: That's enough! Now we need to help Blair. Let's to the room and see her.

Tootie: Too late. (Tootie points at Blair who is crabwalking down the stairs)

MG: I'll get the guidance counselor.

Nat:No good! All she does is make you talk and Blair doesn't look like she's in a talking mood.

(DV) Blair: You are all gonna die in this school!

Nat: I could be wrong.

(Next scene- kitchen)

MG: Well, some help she was!

Nat: I knew she wouldn't help.

(Boots St. Clair walks into kitchen)

Boots: Hello, hello!

Jo: Who unlocked the door?

Tootie: What do you want?

Boots: I came to see Warnsey about some fashion sketches. Is she in her room?

Nat: Well... in a manner of speaking...

Boots: Great! I'll go up and see her!

MG: Wait! Don't go up there!

(Blair calls downstairs)

Blair: It's ok, Mrs. Garret. She can come up!

Nat: Her voice cleared fast!

MG: She must be getting better. Ok, go on up.

Boots: Good! Tah!

Jo: I hope she doesn't touch my things. I don't wanna have to sterilize them.

(Girls are startled by a scream falling from the second story outside)

MG: What the...?

Tootie: It's Boots!

Nat: Even more news for the paper!

Jo: (singing) "I'm so happy! I think I'm gonna cry..."

MG: JO! Well, I'm going upstairs to see what this is all about!

(Mrs. Garret walks in and sees objects flying all over the room. Then looks at Blair who is beating her head with a brush)

(DV) Blair: Let the brush perm you! Let the brush perm you! Let it perm you!

(Mrs. Garret tries to grab the brush but Blair grabs her hands and moves them over her hair)

(DV) Perm me! Perm me! (backhands MG- MG screams- Blairs head turns in a 180 degree angle facing Mrs. Garret)

(Boots) Blair: Do you know what she did? She made me go whoosh out the window!

(Next scene- MG, talks to Father Karras and he comes over to check on Blair)

Karras: Hello, Blair. I'm a friend of Mrs. Garret's. I'm here to help you.

(DV) Blair: You might get me some make-up.

Karras: I'm afraid you might put too much on, Blair.

(DV) Blair: I'm not Blair.

Karras: I see. Well, let's introduce ourselves. I'm Damien Karras...

(DV) Blair: And I'm the devil! Now kindly get me some makeup! Oh, and Father Karras.

Karras: You knew that I'm a priest?

(DV) Blair: Yes, and isn't it a wonderful day for a makeover?

Karras: You'd like that?

(DV) Blair: Intensely!

Karras: Well, you can't and...

(Blair is making strange noises and squirming all over the bed)

(DV) Blair: Efil fo stcaf eht. Efil fo stcaf eht. Evah uoy ereht dna htob meht ekat ouy. Dab eht ekat uoy. Doog eht ekat uoy.

(Karras goes to his home and plays it backwars after he was told by Father Dyer that it was backwards English)

[tape recorder backwards (DV) Blair]: You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life.

(Karras brings Father Merrin with him to Eastland)

Merrin: Hello, Mrs. Garret.

MG: Hello. Things are terrible over here! Want a cookie?

Merrin: I really should get upsta...

(DV) Blair: (calling from upstairs) MMMMMEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!

(He and Karras start the exorcism)

Merrin: Now remember. The devil is tricky. Don't believe anything it says or that you see. Now let's begin.

(DV) Blair: Ughhh!!! You're hair is horrible! Should I even call that dead animal on your head hair?

(Father Merrin keeps reading from the Bible while Karras is paying attention to what Blair is saying)

(DV) Blair: You're nails! They have dirt under them, you slob!

Karras: Shut up! They're better than your green nails!

(DV) But they don't have dirt, now do they?

(Merrin dies of heart attack and Blair starts laughing)

Karras: (attacking Blair) Come into me! Come into me!

(He jumps out window and Blair is left cured in her room)

MG: Now what happened?

Blair: (Looking into mirror) You tell me! I look terrible! Where's my makeup?

THE END

sue z q · 07-21-2001, 02:54 AM

LOL, that was different...in a good way! I liked it! Wow, the peeps at this board sure are creative!

------------------
Jo: Partners? You mean 50-50? Uh, 50-50-50-50-50?
Blair: Good, Jo, we'll let you do the books!

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

And from your two resident off-topic queens, Danielle and I, who are still looking for that 12 step program by the way:

*^*^*~~~God Bless~~~*^*^*

letsgoreyes · 07-21-2001, 09:13 AM

that was a good fan fic

Bang A Gong · 07-22-2001, 03:08 AM

LMAO!!!!!!!! That was hilarious. I loved it!!!!

07-21-2001, 02:25 AM	#1
NickatNite-FOL-fan Member Occasional Poster Join Date: Feb 27, 2001 Location: Louisiana Posts: 6	The Exorcist (FOL style) (New York, NY- Father Merrin is at Central Park where a dig is going on) Digger: Look what I found! (He hands Father Merrin what appears to be a pink hair curler. The priest looks up at a statue of a demonic debutante. And goes back to his home.) (Peekskill, NY- Mrs. Garret and the girls-except Blair- are setting the tables in the cafeteria) MG: Where's Blair? Tootie: She's still asleep. Nat: I don't think she's feeling good. She kept moaning and coughing all night. Jo: I still say it was the fumes from her hairspray! Even I was coughing! MG: I guess I should go check on her. (Mrs. Garret walks upstairs to the girls' room. Blair is sitting on her bed playing with the Ouija board) MG: Are you feeling alright? Blair: Sure. Why? MG: Then I suggest you put up that game and go downstairs and give us a hand. Blair: This isn't a game. It's real. MG: But how can you play by yourself? Blair: Because Miss Clairol tells me the answers. MG: What? Blair: I ask her the questions and she says the answers. Watch. (talking with eyes closed and hands on the board) Miss Clairol? Do you think Mrs. Garret is pretty? That's not nice! Her hair is just fine! MG: Hmmm... (to herself) I guess it's just something she's into. Blaming her opinions on something else. (to Blair) Well, don't take too long. I expect you downstairs in half an hour. (She exits and goes downstairs) Jo: So is it the fumes? MG: No she's playing with the Ouija board. Jo: WHAT? Instead of helping she's playing a stupid game?! That's it! (Jo runs upstairs and ignores Mrs. Garret calling out to her. Jo swings the bedroom door open) Jo: Blair! Get down there and help! (Blair looks at Jo with an evil look) Blair: NO! Jo: (shock) What?! Don't make me come after you! Blair: Go away, grease monkey! Jo: That's it! I'm gonna... (Bolts toward Blair. Blair backhands her across the room) (Demoninc voice) Blair: Keep away! This girl is mine! (picks up a brush and says in a squeaky voice)Perm me! Perm me! Perm me! (slams down on her bed and starts growling. Jo runs downstairs) Jo: (hysterical)Help! Blair's gone psycho! Call the mental hospital! She's insane! MG: What did she do and what happened to your face? Jo: She backhanded me across the room! Nat: WOW! Blair hits Jo! This will make a great headline in the school paper! Jo: If you print that, you'll have to start an obituary for yourself. MG: That's enough! Now we need to help Blair. Let's to the room and see her. Tootie: Too late. (Tootie points at Blair who is crabwalking down the stairs) MG: I'll get the guidance counselor. Nat:No good! All she does is make you talk and Blair doesn't look like she's in a talking mood. (DV) Blair: You are all gonna die in this school! Nat: I could be wrong. (Next scene- kitchen) MG: Well, some help she was! Nat: I knew she wouldn't help. (Boots St. Clair walks into kitchen) Boots: Hello, hello! Jo: Who unlocked the door? Tootie: What do you want? Boots: I came to see Warnsey about some fashion sketches. Is she in her room? Nat: Well... in a manner of speaking... Boots: Great! I'll go up and see her! MG: Wait! Don't go up there! (Blair calls downstairs) Blair: It's ok, Mrs. Garret. She can come up! Nat: Her voice cleared fast! MG: She must be getting better. Ok, go on up. Boots: Good! Tah! Jo: I hope she doesn't touch my things. I don't wanna have to sterilize them. (Girls are startled by a scream falling from the second story outside) MG: What the...? Tootie: It's Boots! Nat: Even more news for the paper! Jo: (singing) "I'm so happy! I think I'm gonna cry..." MG: JO! Well, I'm going upstairs to see what this is all about! (Mrs. Garret walks in and sees objects flying all over the room. Then looks at Blair who is beating her head with a brush) (DV) Blair: Let the brush perm you! Let the brush perm you! Let it perm you! (Mrs. Garret tries to grab the brush but Blair grabs her hands and moves them over her hair) (DV) Perm me! Perm me! (backhands MG- MG screams- Blairs head turns in a 180 degree angle facing Mrs. Garret) (Boots) Blair: Do you know what she did? She made me go whoosh out the window! (Next scene- MG, talks to Father Karras and he comes over to check on Blair) Karras: Hello, Blair. I'm a friend of Mrs. Garret's. I'm here to help you. (DV) Blair: You might get me some make-up. Karras: I'm afraid you might put too much on, Blair. (DV) Blair: I'm not Blair. Karras: I see. Well, let's introduce ourselves. I'm Damien Karras... (DV) Blair: And I'm the devil! Now kindly get me some makeup! Oh, and Father Karras. Karras: You knew that I'm a priest? (DV) Blair: Yes, and isn't it a wonderful day for a makeover? Karras: You'd like that? (DV) Blair: Intensely! Karras: Well, you can't and... (Blair is making strange noises and squirming all over the bed) (DV) Blair: Efil fo stcaf eht. Efil fo stcaf eht. Evah uoy ereht dna htob meht ekat ouy. Dab eht ekat uoy. Doog eht ekat uoy. (Karras goes to his home and plays it backwars after he was told by Father Dyer that it was backwards English) [tape recorder backwards (DV) Blair]: You take the good. You take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life. The facts of life. (Karras brings Father Merrin with him to Eastland) Merrin: Hello, Mrs. Garret. MG: Hello. Things are terrible over here! Want a cookie? Merrin: I really should get upsta... (DV) Blair: (calling from upstairs) MMMMMEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN!!! (He and Karras start the exorcism) Merrin: Now remember. The devil is tricky. Don't believe anything it says or that you see. Now let's begin. (DV) Blair: Ughhh!!! You're hair is horrible! Should I even call that dead animal on your head hair? (Father Merrin keeps reading from the Bible while Karras is paying attention to what Blair is saying) (DV) Blair: You're nails! They have dirt under them, you slob! Karras: Shut up! They're better than your green nails! (DV) But they don't have dirt, now do they? (Merrin dies of heart attack and Blair starts laughing) Karras: (attacking Blair) Come into me! Come into me! (He jumps out window and Blair is left cured in her room) MG: Now what happened? Blair: (Looking into mirror) You tell me! I look terrible! Where's my makeup? THE END

07-21-2001, 02:54 AM	#2
sue z q funger agger LOL Senior Member Join Date: Jun 27, 2001 Location: CA Posts: 1,687	LOL, that was different...in a good way! I liked it! Wow, the peeps at this board sure are creative! ------------------ Jo: Partners? You mean 50-50? Uh, 50-50-50-50-50? Blair: Good, Jo, we'll let you do the books! Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. And from your two resident off-topic queens, Danielle and I, who are still looking for that 12 step program by the way: ^^~~~God Bless~~~^^

07-21-2001, 09:13 AM	#3
letsgoreyes Member Forum Regular Join Date: Jun 13, 2001 Posts: 524	that was a good fan fic

07-22-2001, 03:08 AM	#4
Bang A Gong Member Forum Regular Join Date: Jun 16, 2001 Posts: 545	LMAO!!!!!!!! That was hilarious. I loved it!!!!