Friday's Quotes & a Honeymooners Columbus Day:

[Frank Gannucci]

(Ralph & Ed are staring at Lady Liberty.)

Ralph: "I can't believe that Lady Liberty has been standing there for 111 years."

Ed: "Hey wait RAlph. I thought Christopher Columbus discovered her when he discovered America 115 years ago."

Ralph: "You dope. Christopher Columbus discovered America in 1492. The statue wasn't around that time. Boy, I have said this many times before. I am glad that he found this country."

Ed: "Yep, I am also glad that he sailed on the rivers in which the water flows right threw my place of work."

(Ralph rolls back his eyes.)

Ralph: "I wonder what it was like on that boat. I wonder if they were starved at times. I don't want to know what that was like."

Ed: "Me too. You would probably lose 200 pounds if you starved Ralph. Especially if you were on Columbus' boat that sailed from Norway to the U.S."

Ralph: "You dope. Christopher Columbus isn't from Norway. He is from Sweden."

(Audience laughs wildly.)

Ralph: "I also wonder if he saw Miami Beach. He would love it down there. He would have said: 'I now proclaim this the 'Sun & Fun Capital of The World.'"

(Audience louldy cheers.)

Ed: "I wonder if he saw my sewer when he did discover this country."

Ralph: "Well, I am glad that he found our country. This is a great country and I am glad that Chris discovered it in 1492."

Ed: "Me too Ralph."

(They both sing a song about Christopher Columbus.)

(Jackie Gleason comes out.)

Jackie: "Thank you. How sweet it is."

(Audience cheers.)

Jackie: "Ladies and gentlemen, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

"The Man From Space":

Ralph: "If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side."

Ed: "When you walk down the street, there AIN'T no other side."

"House Beautiful" (aka "Pardon My Glove"):

Alice: "I got Ralph a new belt. I want to make sure it fits."

Trixie: "If it doesn't, you can always exchange it for a larger size."

Alice: "There ain't no larger size."

"Brother-In-Law":

(Ralph leaps on to the couch to get the mouse. Ralph gets dust all over himeslf.)

Ed: "Did you get the mouse Ralph?"

Ralph: "No, I didn't get him."

Ed: "Then everybody stay quiet."

Ralph: "Why should we do that?"

Ed: "So we can hear the mouse. With all this dust around, he's bound to start coughing."

"Better Living Through TV":

Ralph: "This is the biggest thing that I ever got into."

Alice: "The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants."

"Two For The Money":

(Ralph just lost the money from the lodge.)

Ralph: "Let's not get panicky."

Alice: "Ralph, did you put the money in an envelope?"

Ralph: "See? Now you are getting panicky."

"Manager of The Baseball Team" (Color):

Trixie: "Ralph has a good head on his shoulders."

Ed: "What is this on my shoulders, a volleyball?"

"Brother-In-Law":

Frank: "Hey Ralph, are you going to eat your soup?"

Ralph: "I'm not hungry."

Frank (about to grab the soup): "Well, I hate to see anything go to waste."

Ralph (taking the soup): "I just got hungry."

"My Fair Landlord":

(Ralph has just complained to Mr. Olsen that he does nothing for the apartment building. Ralph leaves.)

Mr. Olsen: "Your husband has got a lot of nerve saying that to me Mrs. Kramden. I do plenty around here. Last night, I was up until midnight waxing the stairs..."

Ralph (falling down the stairs, yells): "DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."