I need some constructive criticism, please - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Number 9 Dream · 09-10-2007, 09:59 PM

I wrote a short poem for my Poetry Workshop class and I'm a bit nervous. I'd like some honest feedback--what you liked, didn't like, etc. I won't be offended if you don't like it

(A little background on the assignment--Our professor had us circle random words from two sources 1) A random N.Y. Times article and 2) an odd or intriguing technical book. I choose an article about Pavarotti's death and a 'Forensics For Dummies' hand book as my sources).

Here it is!

Rebirth

Summer languishes, dust congested air

dries up August's flesh.

River capillaries pulsate with the oncoming chill;

the reeds shudder.

Then autumn attacks,

the assailant wraps its hands on summer's neck,

chokes it with skeletal branch fingers.

Fireflies are snuffed,

warm glows fade like coal embers.

An ice blanket envelops fall's remains,

golden tones muted,

sealed in a snow coffin.

A flower pokes through ground,

sputtering, the arteries begin to pump again.

It is spring's voice rising

quiet, soft, fleeting.

Mikado · 09-10-2007, 10:19 PM

Im no expert on poetry, but, i liked it, the timing was good and your points came across very nicely. The idea of comparing the end of summer to death was very well illustrated! ( a little grizzly but...thats poetry, right?

)

Number 9 Dream · 09-10-2007, 10:20 PM

LOL, thank you! I'm glad you liked the pace of it and that it was clear to you

I figured the death thing was fitting since I took some words out of a forensic science book

Thanks, Mikey!

Any more comments...anyone? Bueller?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mikado

Im no expert on poetry, but, i liked it, the timing was good and your points came across very nicely. The idea of comparing the end of summer to death was very well illustrated! ( a little grizzly but...thats poetry, right?

)

Mikado · 09-10-2007, 10:47 PM

You're Very welcome

snl 70s show fan · 09-11-2007, 04:00 AM

i liked it very much kristel its very deep it gets high marks from me

Number 9 Dream · 09-11-2007, 08:59 AM

Aw, thanks so much, Donald!

Quote:

Originally Posted by snl 70s show fan

i liked it very much kristel its very deep it gets high marks from me

coffield3 · 09-11-2007, 09:17 AM

Thats quite good deep dark and sexy!!!

Nighthawk76 · 09-11-2007, 02:28 PM

It's very good, Kristel.

It's sort of like reading Edgar Allan Poe or Kafka.

TJL · 09-11-2007, 02:39 PM

Nice job!

Number 9 Dream · 09-11-2007, 06:43 PM

Sexy, eh?

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by coffield3

Thats quite good deep dark and sexy!!!

Number 9 Dream · 09-11-2007, 06:44 PM

Wow, that's a pretty nice compliment--I love Poe! Thanks so much, Mike!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blair's Number #1 Fan

It's very good, Kristel.

It's sort of like reading Edgar Allan Poe or Kafka.

Number 9 Dream · 09-11-2007, 06:44 PM

Thanks so much!

Quote:

Originally Posted by TJL

Nice job!

Janice · 09-11-2007, 08:47 PM

I'm never been a fan of poetry, but that held my interest. It flows well. You'll get a high grade for that.

Yooch · 09-11-2007, 08:53 PM

It's a good poem, and especially those who live in areas with distinct seasons can really appreciate and 'feel' that change which you so effectively express through your use of metaphor, simile and imagery.

Number 9 Dream · 09-11-2007, 09:01 PM

Thanks, Janice

I'm not really a fan of poetry myself either!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janice

I'm never been a fan of poetry, but that held my interest. It flows well. You'll get a high grade for that.

09-10-2007, 09:59 PM	#1
Number 9 Dream That '70s Girl Forum Veteran Join Date: Jan 18, 2005 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 5,875	I need some constructive criticism, please I wrote a short poem for my Poetry Workshop class and I'm a bit nervous. I'd like some honest feedback--what you liked, didn't like, etc. I won't be offended if you don't like it (A little background on the assignment--Our professor had us circle random words from two sources 1) A random N.Y. Times article and 2) an odd or intriguing technical book. I choose an article about Pavarotti's death and a 'Forensics For Dummies' hand book as my sources). Here it is! Rebirth Summer languishes, dust congested air dries up August's flesh. River capillaries pulsate with the oncoming chill; the reeds shudder. Then autumn attacks, the assailant wraps its hands on summer's neck, chokes it with skeletal branch fingers. Fireflies are snuffed, warm glows fade like coal embers. An ice blanket envelops fall's remains, golden tones muted, sealed in a snow coffin. A flower pokes through ground, sputtering, the arteries begin to pump again. It is spring's voice rising quiet, soft, fleeting.
	__________________ Live a little be a gypsy get around http://www.librarything.com/profile/skelterhelter http://retrogirl82.dvdaf.com/owned formerly Retrogirl82

09-11-2007, 09:17 AM	#7
coffield3 <3 Forum Veteran Join Date: Jul 23, 2006 Location: England Posts: 7,379	Thats quite good deep dark and sexy!!!
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09-11-2007, 02:39 PM	#9
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	Nice job!
	__________________ "I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going..." - Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Read my blogs! http://centralparkamisguide.com/ http://dvdcriticscorner.com Visit me on Facebook!http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641138880 Hey, I do the tweet thing too! http://twitter.com/TomLevier My shop of handmade items! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

09-11-2007, 08:53 PM	#14
Yooch Member Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Apr 07, 2006 Location: California Posts: 3,180	It's a good poem, and especially those who live in areas with distinct seasons can really appreciate and 'feel' that change which you so effectively express through your use of metaphor, simile and imagery.
	__________________ "The true meaning of America, you ask? It's in a Texas rodeo, in a policeman's badge, in the sound of laughing children, in a political rally, in a newspaper...In all these things and many more, you'll find freedom. And freedom is what America means to the world. And to me." --Audie Leon Murphy June 20, 1924-- May 28, 1971

09-10-2007, 10:19 PM	#2
Mikado Main st bridge Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 06, 2005 Posts: 25,892	Im no expert on poetry, but, i liked it, the timing was good and your points came across very nicely. The idea of comparing the end of summer to death was very well illustrated! ( a little grizzly but...thats poetry, right? )

09-10-2007, 10:47 PM	#4
Mikado Main st bridge Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 06, 2005 Posts: 25,892	You're Very welcome

09-11-2007, 04:00 AM	#5
snl 70s show fan Member Senior Member Join Date: Jun 14, 2005 Location: in the forman basment Posts: 2,454	i liked it very much kristel its very deep it gets high marks from me

09-11-2007, 02:28 PM	#8
Nighthawk76 Rachel Berry Forum Celebrity Join Date: Feb 28, 2003 Location: Illinois Posts: 23,254	It's very good, Kristel. It's sort of like reading Edgar Allan Poe or Kafka.

09-11-2007, 08:47 PM	#13
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	I'm never been a fan of poetry, but that held my interest. It flows well. You'll get a high grade for that.