How to deal with lost friendships

[Kay Scarpetta]

Okay, I really don't want to go into detailed circumstances, because I'm afraid if I do, I'm just going to start crying all over again, but I will give you the overview. I'm dealing with two lost friendships, both of whom I was very close to. One of the girls I went through middle/highschool with, we were like sisters. Over time we grew apart, which happens... but no matter how many times I try to reconnect the friendship, it just never happens. She cancels plans to go with her boyfriend. She told me we'd always be friends and all this other bullsh-t but come to find out, the same exact thing she told me a while back, she's telling her new best friends now. I feel like she's two-faced.

The other was a woman who was like my second mother. This one hurts the most. We used to do everything together... go shopping, to lunch, movies, she even brought me to rehab the first time I went. She used to say I was like her daughter she never had. For the past 5 3/4 years, she has watched me grow and has been there along every step of the way. Over the past year and a half or so, we haven't really connected at all. She was at my graduation party today. She's got a new boyfriend and she seems really changed. I don't know how to explain it. We never talk anymore. I hardly ever see her. I just feel like she doesn't care. I miss her. I can't talk to her, because I know it won't work. I tried writing her a letter last year and it didn't work obviously, because this is still going on. I'm just ready to give up.

How do you deal with friendships that are just... lost? Both of these are so hard to deal with, but especially the second. I just have so much anger and animosity towards these two people, but everytime I try to let go, I realize how much I love and care about them. I need suggestions, advice, anything. This is very hard on me right now, and emotionally, I'm in a very bad place. For those of you here who know me, you know I can't AFFORD to be in a bad place. I hate this.

[Frischman_Fan]

First off Kay, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I guess I've learned to get over my lost friendships and depend only on myself. I had a friend that I was really close with we used to go shopping together, I'd spend the night at her house(it was fun becuase it was like a slumber party), we'd go to lunch and things like that. She even got me a job working for her old boss. We were close and to be honest she was my one and only best friend ever. Well then she starts a relationship with some guy who's no good but who am I to say, and all of a sudden the ignoring begins, she turns down any plans I make and I notice quickly it's all about her man. They get married and whatever. The ignoring and distance between us builds up and lasts for a long time. I was really sad about it and upset and tried to call her up, email her and still make plans but there was always some reason that she couldn't make it. So I finally decide to give up. If she wasn't going to care then I couldn't any more. Well, after knowing her for 12 years I guess we're beginning to part ways. We still email eachother every once and a while but that's about it. It hurt for a while but I have to remember that she's married now and stuff so there's really nothing I can do. If that's the way she's going to be then I'll just move along. What else is there? When you think about it...it's not so bad.

[consentida]

Originally Posted by Kay Scarpetta

The other was a woman who was like my second mother. This one hurts the most. We used to do everything together... go shopping, to lunch, movies, she even brought me to rehab the first time I went. She used to say I was like her daughter she never had. For the past 5 3/4 years, she has watched me grow and has been there along every step of the way. Over the past year and a half or so, we haven't really connected at all. She was at my graduation party today. She's got a new boyfriend and she seems really changed. I don't know how to explain it. We never talk anymore. I hardly ever see her. I just feel like she doesn't care. I miss her. I can't talk to her, because I know it won't work. I tried writing her a letter last year and it didn't work obviously, because this is still going on. I'm just ready to give up.

The same EXACT thing happened to me. The friendship ended for good about two months ago. It ended very badly. I still think of the woman every day but its getting easier to deal with. It still hurts and it always will but...once you've figured out that you didn't do anything wrong and that its her problem and not yours, things will be fine. I promise.

[Kay Scarpetta]

Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!

My best friend I've known for nearly 12 years (8/11/1995). She has always been like a mom to me. We have a special friendship. I admire her so much. She is a very nice person. I consider myself lucky to have her as a friend. I used to get to see her and talk to her five times a week when I was in high school. I miss that so much. I only get to see her once or twice a year, but I'm thankful for that. I get to talk to her ocassionally, but not nearly as often as I would like. She's very busy with work. She has two grown kids. I like to think of myself as her daughter. I liked to pretend in my mind when I was in high school that I was her daughter at school. I send her a Mother's Day card every year. The friendship with her I hope to never lose. I would be extremely devastated to lose that. She did wonders for myself-esteem while in high school. Unfortunately my self-esteem has gone way down since the end of high school. It helps to have someone around that is so nice and treats you kindly. Someone who is positive and not critical.

I think losing a friendship is hard. I've never had many friends. I think that is one of the reasons why the friends I do have mean so much to me.

Thanks for your guys' responses. The person in question in the second scenario was also a school figure for me, in middle school. Our stories are very similar.

Tara, it's good to see you around again (it's Karly), and we've talked on numerous occasions about our friendships because they have so much in common. I'm really sorry to hear that yours ended. I guess I can say I know how you feel.

[Janice]

It's hard Karly, and I know how you feel. My best friend from grade school changed when we got married, back in our 20s. She had three kids, so I understood it. What bothered me most is that she wasn't consistent. She'd want to see me three times in one week, and then she went an entire holiday season go by without a call. It was maddening because I never knew where I stood.

What finally did it for me was when my parents both became terminally ill. I really needed my friend, but she backed off. I sort of dumped her. We reconnected two years ago, but it wasn't the same. It hurts, and I think it always will. This was a 40-year friendship.

I've learned that you can't force anyone to be your friend. There's nothing wrong with you. You've done nothing wrong Karly. Some people simply don't appreciate a great friend, or they 'replace' people. I'd kill for a friend like me, lol. Friendship is supposed to make you feel good, not insecure. You have a lot of offer someone in the way of friendship. Hold onto those people, and do your best to deal with the loss of your other friends. I know it's hard, but it gets easier over time.

[Penny Lane]

Karly, losing one's friends is part of growing up. Well, in my case it was. My friends and I all married right out of high school. We stayed close for a while but we ended up going our own way. We had different interests and our families to raise. But in all these years since I have met some very interesting people whom I consider good friends now. Time heals all wounds believe me.

[consentida]

Originally Posted by Kay Scarpetta

Tara, it's good to see you around again (it's Karly), and we've talked on numerous occasions about our friendships because they have so much in common. I'm really sorry to hear that yours ended. I guess I can say I know how you feel.

Hi Karly. Its been a while.

Things like this are difficult to deal with and it may take a while to get over but you'll come out of it a stronger person and realize that you're worth a whole lot more than these people let on.

In my case, I tried everything I possibly could to mend the relationship but nothing was satisfactory to her. I eventually just gave up because it was all too much to handle. Sometimes you just can't please people and at that point, you just have to realize that its not worth it. Although, it would be nice if people were honest and just said what was wrong. It would make life so much easier.

[AllIWantIsYourClutch]

Honestly, Karly, I can completely relate to your first situation and I learned that you just need to move on and find friends who will actually care. It's not worth all the time and effort that you're putting in to be treated like crap.

[consentida]

Originally Posted by Family Ties Forever!

I'm confused. I don't see a post of Tara's in this thread. Maybe she deleted her post.

I'm Tara. There are two Tara's on this board.

[Number 9 Dream]

I'm sorry you've lost two close friends, Karly It's always hard when that happens, especially when they are very special to you. I've lost many friends over the years for various reasons--sometimes we'll rekindle years down the line, other times our relationship just fades in to obscurity like it never even existed. I can say, though--usually when it's rekindled, it's never the same as it once was. Time has a way of changing people (for better or worse).

All I can say is if they want nothing to do with you, then that is THEIR problem. You seem like a kind person with a lot of love to give, so I can't imagine why they'd ever want to grow apart from you.

Keep your chin up, dear!

[Kay Scarpetta]

Thank you all for your responses. It's helping me get through this. A few months back, somebody asked me in an NA meeting what I would do if I lost someone close to me. I said, "I'd go to a meeting"... and tonight, that's just what I did. I can't let this get to me, I cannot afford to let it get to me.

[ABlairican Pie]

If I'm thinking I know who you're talking about, the "second mother-figure", that IS hard. I know you've trusted her with everything, and to think that would just all fade away just like that over the years, wow. I can't understand it. You'd think that the bond you had would stay, you had both gone through so much together. How do things like that dissolve? Did you have any kind of break in your relationship that may have caused her to move on? Well, I don't think that's the case, really. I'm trying to understand.
It hurts so much. Someone to be there for you, do things just changed just because we get older? It doesn't make any sense. I know this probably doesn't help, but I understand. If it makes you feel any better, you have lots of friends who are here for you.

[comedyfreak]

I've lost three close friends due to growing apart, I really miss them and haven't seen them in two years. I seen one friend and it was good to see him, but it felt different and there wasn't anything in common but the past.

[tdf4077]

this sounds really harsh, but i'm learning that some 'friendships' just aren't worth holding on to, either.

[Kay Scarpetta]

Originally Posted by tdf4077

this sounds really harsh, but i'm learning that some 'friendships' just aren't worth holding on to, either.

I do agree. Here it is, 1:35 in the morning, and I'm sitting here because I can't sleep. Usually by now, my 175-mgs of sleeping meds have me KO'ed.

And I'm sitting here crying over this.