Wednesday's Quotes & Ralph Kramden, a NJ Nets fan? (Part 5)

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Toronto Raptors beat the NJ Nets 98-96.)

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "I didn't take your trash out because it is part of my new system."

Ed: "New system?"

Ralph: "Yes. Your can was only half-full. When it's full-full, then I will take it down. That way, I will make one trip instead of two. Save a trip here- save a trip there. It all mounts up."

Ed: "That is what I am afraid of. It's mounting up all over the building."

"Dial J For Janitor":

Ralph: "One hand washes the other while both hands wash the face."

Ed: "Just give me the water. I know how to wash."

"$99,000 Answer":

Ralph: "This time, I am going to get my pot of gold."

Alice: "Just go for the gold. You already got the pot."

"Champagne & Caviar":

Ralph: "1933 was a good year for wine."

Ed: "It wasn't a good one for me. I smashed my Essex that year."

"Game Called On Account of Marriage":

Ralph: "What could a guy want that is down in the sewer that he needs $2 right away?"

Ed: "Today is pay day and the guys have a some dice going on around there. Well, you might call it a floating crap game."

"Principle of The Thing":

Ralph: "You got to tell the janitor off and you got to tell him off good."

Alice: "I was waiting for you to get home."

Ralph: "All right. I'm home, so go down and tell him off."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ralph: "Fix my supper."

Alice (grabbing the dog food): "All right Rex. Have a meatball."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Frank: "You are going to like my camera Ralph. It has a zoom feature that goes IN and OUT."

(Frank leaves.)

Ralph: "I'll give him a zoom that goes IN and OUT."

"Fools' Ship":

(The photographer feels Alice's leg.)

Ralph (yells): "HEY! HEY! HEY!"

Alice: "All he wants is a little chesse cake."

Ralph: "Why doesn't he go to a deli then?"

(Now on for my skit.)

(Ralph & Ed just watched the game in the poolroom.)

Ralph: "Well, the Nets have blown another opportunity."

Ed: "What are yout alking about Ralph? They still lead the series three games to two."

Ralph: "Yeah, but they lost the momentum. Toronto can come back and win now, especially if Toronto wins game six."

Ed: "The last time this area has had an NBA Championship team in it was '73."

Ralph: "Yeah, 34 years ago. That is too long. We need another NBA Championship team NOW."

Ed: "I hope you are right. I hope the Nets win and win the NBA title. It will be their first ever."

Ralph: "I also heard that they might be moving to Brooklyn and rename themselves the Brooklyn Nets."

Ed: "No kidding? Well, maybe when they come to town, we can introduce ourselves to each and every one of the players. They will love the fact that I will be working underneath them in the sewer."

Ralph: "Uh...yes. If they do move, I want to get frindly with that Jason Kidd. He has such a big heart."

Ed: "How about the times he beat his wife? Not even you do that. Not even me. Trixie is the one that beats me up."

Ralph: "He got some counseling and changed. I will never ever hit Alice not matter how many times I threaten her."

Ed: "Is it because you are afraid of her?"

Ralph: "No, you dope. I love Alice."

(The phone rings. Ralph picks it up.)

Ralph: "Hello?...Alice, I can not come home and talk with your mother. I am busy playing pool...Do you want to go to the moon?...Just for that, not only am I not coming home, I will say this: 'Be careful. The life you save might be your own.'"

(Ralph hangs up.)

Ed: "What about..."

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP!"

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)

Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! HOW SWEET IT IS! GOOD NIGHT!"