Sunday's Quotes & Ralph Kramden, a NY/NJ NHL fan? (Part 9)

[Frank Gannucci]

"A Woman's Work Is Never Done":

Ed: "I would like to have my coffee with one lump."

(Ed rings bell.)

Thelma: "You keep ringing that bell like that and you will get one lump."

"Alice & The Blonde":

Trixie: "On the bus there are two empty seats and who sits in those seats?"

Alice: "Ralph."

"On Stage":

Ralph: "Mr. Faversham says I have something that stretches from the theater and goes out into the audience."

Alice (patting Ralph's stomach): "You certainly do."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ed & Ralph are doing a crossword puzzle.)

Ed: "Sofa." (writing): "S-o-f..." (not writing): "What is that an A or an E?"

Ralph: "It's A or E."

Ed (writing): "A or E."

"A Weighty Problem Part 2":

(Ralph is eating two celery sticks.)

Alice: "How do you like your dinner Ralph?"

Ralph: "You mean to tell me that was my dinner." (holding up the knife and fork): "What are these for, to commit suicidue with?"

"Peacemaker":

Alice: "Ed is gone."

Ralph: "I know that he is. I knew that the first day I met him."

"Movies Are Better Than Ever":

(It's Ed's birthday and Ralph wants to get off cheaply.)

Alice: "Ed took you to the Kit Kat Klub on your birthday."

Ralph: 'Did I ask him?"

Alice: "No, you suggested the Copa Cabana."

"Play It Again, Norton":

(Ed is sitting on a piano bench.)

Ed: "I think I just got a splinter from sitting here."

Ralph: "Stay there."

"Play It Again, Norton":

Ed: "Take it from the top Norton."

(Ed is sitting on the piano.)

Ralph (yells): "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Ed (yells): "YOU TOLD ME TO TAKE IT FROM THE TOP."

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph is watching the Devils game. It's getting late and Ralph is starting to fall asleep.)

Alice (from bedroom, yells): "RALPH, PLEASE GET TO BED! IT'S 11:45PM."

Ralph: "I will."

Announcer on TV: "THe Devils have won in the second overtime. New Jersey now has tied the series."

(Ralph falls asleep.)

(Ed comes down.)

Ed: "Hey Ralph-ie boy!"

Ralph (yells): "WAAAAAAAAAAAAA! TAKE THE BUS AWAY! TAKE THE BUS AWAY!" (sees Ed, yells): "PUT 'EM UP! PUT 'EM UP!"

Ed (yells): "I JUST CAME BY TO CELEBRATE WITH YOU THE FACT THAT THE DEVILS WON! THEY HAVE TIED THE SERIES!"

Ralph: "Wow! I thought that that game would never end. I thought that the Devils game was going to last until 3am and I would never be able to see it."

Ed: "Because the cable company would cut to an infomercial?"

Ralph: "Well, yeah. Boy, do you know what this means? Now, the Devils have momentum. I would love to see them go to Ottawa, Ontario, Canada and beat those Senators."

Ed: "Ontario?"

Ralph: "Yeah, you see Norton. Just like the USA is divided into 50 states, Canada is divided into provinces. So, it is not uncomoon for a person to say that he or she was born in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. Just like we can say that we are from Miami Beach, Florida USA."

(Audience cheers.)

Ed: "Aren't we in Brooklyn?"

Ralph: "Yeah, I was just using an example."

Ed: "Boy, I can't wait to see those Senators fans. I want to see Ontario win."

Ralph (yells): "WHAT?"

Ed (yells): "I HATE TO SEE FANS UPSET, SO I AM KIND OF PULLING FOR THE HOME TEAM!"

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

Ralph: "'Pulling for the home team.'"

(Jackie Gleason comes out.)

Jackie: "As usual, the Miami Beach audiences are the GREATEST! GOOD NIGHT!"

(The end.)