Saturday's Quotes & Ralph Kramden, a NY/NJ NHL (Part 8) & NJ Nets fan?

[Frank Gannucci]

(The Buffalo Sabres beat the NY Rangers 2-1 & the NJ Nets beat the Toronto Raptors 102-89.)

"Young Man With A Horn":

Ralph: "I'm making a list of all my weak points."

Ed: "Oh, is that all the paper you are going to use?"

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "You are supposed to waddle like a duck."

Ralph: "How can I do that?"

Ed: "It's easy. Just walk like you always do."

"Pal O' Mine":

Ralph: "Is there any lard around here?"

Alice: "Yeah. about 300 lbs. of it."

"Finders Keepers":

Ed: "You can still come up empty you know."

Ralph: "The only thing that is empty around here is your head."

"A Little Man Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ed: "A doctor told me that I had a split-ersonality. I was two people. One was Ed Norton, the gay-carefree-man-about-town and the other Ed Norton was the sober serious-minded thinker."

Ralph: "What happened?"

Ed: "Oh, I got cured. I got cured. I am now one person. I am Ed Norton, the sober, serious-minded thinker."

"A Little Who Wasn't There Part 1":

Ralph: "I got news for you Alice. Big news. Your husband is crazy."

Alice: "Okay. So what's the big news?"

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have been a jockey, but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse Ralph."

"The Main Event":

(Ralph is sparing with Ed.)

Ed: "Cover your face. Cover your face. Cover your face."

(Ralph covers his face. Ed hits him in the stomach.)

Ralph (yells): "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!...WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!...OWWWWWWWWW! WHY DID YOU HIT ME IN THE STOMACH WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO COVER MY FACE?"

Ed (yells): "I WAS SHOWING DYNAMITE NOT TO TRUST ANYBODY IN THE RING."

"Paris' Poor People":

Ralph: "If I were you, I wouldn't go out in the month of May."

Ed: "Why?"

Ralph: "Becasue that is when they gather nuts."

Now on for my skit:

(Ralph & Ed enter the Kramden apartment.)

Alice: "How was your night out?"

Ed: "So so Alice. The Rangers lost but the Nets won."

Ralph: "This whole month has been a roller coaster ride for me. If one team is winning, the other is losing. Now the Rangers have to win until at least game 6. The Nets howver have a cushion."

Ed: "The Rangers are now suffering from what I like to call sweeporitis. They swept one team in one round, but when ti comes time to play the next round, they lose."

Ralph: "How can you say something like that Norton? The Rangers probably practicied all the days they had off."

Ed: "Yeah, but a game is when it really counts. Who were they going to play, themselves?"

Ralph: "That could have been done."

Ed: "How could it be? They are all one team."

Ralph: "Ed, you are an idiot. Well, I can't wait until the next game."

Ed: "Ralph, remember we have a special Raccoon meeting that night. McGarrity is going to become a high-ranking member of our lodge. He hates the Rangers. If he says we can't watch the game, we can't."

Ralph: "We will see about that."

(Ralph goes to the window and sticks his head out.)

Ralph (yells): "MCGARRITY, WE ARE WATCHING THE RANGERS DURING OUR RACCOON GET TOGETHER WHATEVER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT."

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "KRAMDEN, IF YOU WATCH THAT GAME, I WILL KICK YOU OUT."

Ralph (yells): "HA HA HA HA! YOU WOULDN'T DARE!"

McGarrity (from upstairs, yells): "YOUR PLAN IS GOING TO GET ALL WET!"

(McGarrity douses Ralph with water. Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GEEEEEEEEEET OUT!"

(Ed leaves.)

(Jackie Gleason walks on stage.)

Jackie: "Folks, it's time to introduce the cast. First, Mrs. Audrey Meadows."

(The crowd applauds as Audrey comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(The crowd applauds as Art comes out.)

Jackie: "Once again, the Miami Beach audiences are the BEST! Good night!