Gangway for the 'Sopranos' exit

[Brian Damage]

By DAVID HINCKLEY
DAILY NEWS COLUMNIST

Wednesday, April 25th 2007, 4:00 AM


Paulie (Tony Sirico) might try to sue the walnut industry for stealing his name.

Silvio (Steve Van Zandt) might have a career as a rock guitarist on his next TV show - after he does something about that hair.
Even though the body count is slowly mounting in this final season of "The Sopranos," let's assume that at least a few members of the biological and extended Sopranos family will still be breathing when the series ends in June.

What we know for sure is that, dead or alive, they will be unemployed - which means it's not too soon to be thinking about their next gigs.

This being television and all, we should probably start thinking spinoffs - the ancient tradition of creating a new show with a character or two from an old one.

Spinoffs don't all work out, it's true - quick, name the "M*A*S*H" spinoff - but any job beats flipping johnnycakes, right? So we've taken the liberty of exploring some possibilities for Carmela Soprano (Edie Falco), Christopher Moltisanti (Michael Imperioli), Paulie Walnuts (Tony Sirico) and Silvio Dante (Steven Van Zandt).

[Brian Damage]

"Carm"

Carmela's spec house sale goes so well, she decides she wants Bob Vila's show. Tony has Vila whacked - it involves a .45 caliber nail gun, really, don't ask - and she's in business.

She takes the show in a new direction, billing it as a real-world guide to ways one can economize in homebuilding by using substandard materials that look fine for long enough to close a sale.

In one particularly moving episode, Carm finally admits Adriana is dead and uses her clothes for insulation.

[Brian Damage]

"Saint Christopher"

A vivid dream of the Russian coming back from the Pinelands, clutching the top of his scalp, scares Christopher into straightening out.

He returns the stolen wine to the liquor store, phones Lauren Bacall to apologize, gives his writer-friend back his car and becomes an AA counselor.

In the pilot, we see that one of the regulars at his meetings is Sipowicz from "NYPD Blue," who gets up and says, "My name is Andy. I'm an alcoholic. And this one-day-at-a-time crap gets old when you been outta work for two seasons. I need a job or a drink, and I don't care which."

[Brian Damage]

"Paulie"

Discouraged to find that his line of work has become obsolete and no one breaks kneecaps anymore, Paulie pours his savings into a copyright-infringement suit seeking millions from the walnut industry for stealing his nickname.

While he waits for depositions, he moves in with his mother and becomes the mascot of the retirement community. A Zen-like calm enfolds him. When a neighbor asks if that streak in his hair is some kind of practical joke, he only breaks her walker and does not punch her senseless.

He calls it "the childhood I never had."

[Brian Damage]

"Silvio and Gold"

A reality show in which Tony's right-hand man undergoes a grueling operation to have his hair surgically removed. This procedure takes eight episodes, after which Silvio obtains new identification papers renaming himself Bobby Jean and goes on the road playing guitar in a rock band.