People Pleasing

[Janice]

Up until a few years ago, I was people pleaser. I overdid it with gifts, giving money, helping people in every way, treating people to plays, dinners, etc, etc, etc. Everything was on me! It pains me to say that many of those people that I was jumping through hoops for, are nowhere to be found today.

My mother used to always tell me that you can't buy people's love. If they're going to love you, they're going to love you for yourself -- not for what you give them. I didn't listen. I went overboard with my step-kids...and their children, and some so-called friends, on and on. After many years, I realized I was just spinning my wheels. My mother was right, as usual.

Our financial situation changed a couple of years ago. We're not rolling in dough like we were before. We have enough to live comfortably, and we give reasonable gifts now; however, the days of showering people with gifts and money are over. Sad to say that once the money dried up, so did some relationships. I'm glad that I broke the cycle, yet there's some residual resentment on my part. The world is full of ungrateful people who don't know the meaning of the word reciprocate.

There have been books on the subject. I saw the author of this book on Oprah a few years back. She did an entire show on people pleasing. It's a very real and unhealthy syndrome. Has anyone here ever been a people pleaser or known one?

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

I am, I always try to be as nice as possible because I don't want anyone to hate me. I try to be perfect for people. It doesn't work, I just turn out bitchy and lots of people think so . So I guess it just comes back on me anyway. You always seem to create what you don't want.

[Max Whittaker]

Originally Posted by Janice

My mother was right, as usual.

I know it! Don't you just hate that?

[dawsongirl]

Originally Posted by *Pleasant Tomorrow*

I am, I always try to be as nice as possible because I don't want anyone to hate me.

Same here. Plus I'm a perfectionist, so basically I spend my days trying way too hard. Not really monitarily though.

[Czas na Zywiec]

I'm please with actions, not gifts. I believe in karma in that what goes around comes around. And it works. I don't always get the reaction I expect from people, but I've had plenty of times where I've gotten some things out of people I would never expect it from. Be good, do good, good will come back to you in one way or another, that's my motto.

[Number 9 Dream]

Oh yes, I'm a definite people pleaser. I've always been one to buy things for people or give them rides if they needed it. Usually it's for family, but these members of my family were sometimes undeserving. They've been known to screw me over, and yet I still keep on giving.

I'm working on that, though...I'm trying to stop being so nice to people who haven't earned my respect.

[Courtnee]

I do nice things for people because I want to, not because I want them to like me or whatever.

[Janice]

Originally Posted by Czas na Zywiec

I'm please with actions, not gifts. I believe in karma in that what goes around comes around. And it works. I don't always get the reaction I expect from people, but I've had plenty of times where I've gotten some things out of people I would never expect it from. Be good, do good, good will come back to you in one way or another, that's my motto.

It may work for some, but it definitely hasn't worked for me. I gave and gave of myself, gifts, money, you name it, and all I got was ungratefulness in return. If what goes around, came back to me, I'd be rich now, lol. It could be the luck of the draw in the people I had or have in my life. If I've surrounded myself with takers, I shouldn't be surprised.

I waaaaayyy overdid giving. That's where the people pleasing part of it comes in. Not just being a normal nice person and giver, which from the sounds of it, you are. I was off the charts in giving to people. Always ordering gifts, writing checks, doing too much on everyone's birthday, that sort of thing. When my mother was alive, she would get so frustrated with me as I showered my in-laws and others with gifts and money, and they would ignore my birthday, that sort of thing.

[Janice]

Originally Posted by Courtnee

I do nice things for people because I want to, not because I want them to like me or whatever.

I'm referring to excessive and constant giving, overgoing...being on a constant quest to give to people. Giving to people who treat you poorly, that sort of thing.

[ponytail]

I'm trying hard to break the cycle. I now don't say yes to everyone and I give to certain charities the rest of the charities asking for money gets thrown in recycling. I only give gifts or money for holidays and birthdays. I think some people think I'm turning into an ol' crab, but so what.

[Superstar]

Originally Posted by *Pleasant Tomorrow*

I am, I always try to be as nice as possible because I don't want anyone to hate me. I try to be perfect for people. It doesn't work, I just turn out bitchy and lots of people think so . So I guess it just comes back on me anyway. You always seem to create what you don't want.

I'm exactly like that too.

[AKA]

Ever since I got my first job, I was a "people-pleaser." I had this idea in the back of my mind that in order to make sure that my friends and families had a nice birthday or Christmas, I had to buy them an unexpectedly expensive gift. I was also the kind of guy who, more often than not, would "surprise" the person(s) with whom I was dining out by paying for their meals, or by paying their way into movies.

One of the things I want to learn down here is humility. And since I don't have nearly the income here that I did when I was working for PB, I can't afford to buy people dinner or movie tickets. I can't even buy them birthday and Christmas gifts most of the time.

I'm going to have to show them that I love them in a more substantial way. Learning how to do that will do me worlds of good.

[Brad Russ]

I know what you mean Janice, some people just suck!!! I've always enjoyed giving far more than receiving myself, but I have been on the receiving end of ingratitude on many occasions, and it's a pretty crappy feeling. I've had situations where I've done something for someone, and didn't receive so much as a thank you, or any kind of acknowledgment for that matter. Then of course you have the kinds of people who make you feel like they're doing you a favor when you do something nice for them, which I know you know all about!! It's like, screw you man, I'm the one doing you the favor, you're not doing **** for me!!

For me, as long as a person shows some kind of gratitude or appreciation, I'm happy, but if I go out of my way to do something nice for them, and they don't even care, then **** them!!! I know that may sound harsh, but being screwed over, (especially by someone you think is a friend) really sucks!!!

[Mr. Cranky]

I learned many years ago that trying to make other people happy is a fool's game. All the take-take-takers of the world will swarm around as long as you're doling it out. Happy to say those days are long over. Now if I could only convince the wife to stop being a gift giving machine, my life would be complete lol.

[orderandlaw]

I'm a people pleaser...

But I have started to notice that alot of the people I know, take advantage of my kindness or so to speak... Which is not good really... But I find it a bad habit to break...