Wednesday's Quotes:

[Frank Gannucci]

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "I would have given my life to be a jockey but I was a little too heavy."

Alice: "A little too heavy? You are too fat to be a horse."

"We're Off To See The Wizard":

(The girls are upset that the boys paid Emma and Clarance $200. Emma & Clarance fooled the boys ino thinking that there was buried treasure and sold them the map that guided them to the place where the "treasure" was for $200.)

Alice: "You two have cost us $200."

Ed: "$208. We paid Clarance $8 to borrow the shovel from him."

"The Main Event":

Ralph: "Alice, come on out. Dynamite is here."

(Alice slams the bedroom door.)

Ralph: "I guess that she is still asleep."


"Ralph's Big Mouth" (aka "Mind Your Own Business"):

Ed: "Suppose they don't give me the promotion?"

Ralph: "Then you scare them. Tell them that after 17 years in the sewer, you are finally washing your hands of the whole thing."

"Jellybeans":

Ralph: "When I win that $100, I am going to get myself some bowling shoes, a leather lumber jacket, and you are going to get a string of pearls."

Alice: "Yeah, and if you lose, I will have a string of jellybeans around my neck."

"Vacation at Fred's Landing":

Trixie: "Maybe the radiator needs some water."

Ralph: "Well now that is very clever and just which one of the Pep Boys are you, Manny, Moe or Jack?" (yells): "IF I HAD ANY WATER, I WOULD PUT IT IN THERE."

Trixie: "Ralph, I was only thinking..."

Ralph (yells): "WELL, DON'T THINK. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT."

Ed: "Just a minute. You seem to forget that she's my wife and I don't like you yelling at her that way." (to Trixie, yells): "NOW STOP THINKING AND SHUT UP."

"Unconventional Behavior":

Conductor: "Gentlemen, what seems to be the trouble?"

Ralph: "What seems to be the trouble? I'll tell you what the trouble is. First, he makes his and my wife miss the train because he can't keep an eye on them. Then, he comes in here and puts handcuffs on my wrists. That isn't enough. I ask him does he want a drink of water, no. I ask him if he wants something to eat, no. He doesn't want anything until he gets up there and says that he wants a match. Then on top of everything, I have to be handcuffed to this idiot all the way to Minneapolis."

Conductor: "Minneapolis? Gentlemen, this train isn't going to Minneapolis. We are going in the other direction to Norfolk, Virginia."

"Goodbye Aunt Ethel Part 2":

(Aunt Ethel and Fred are alone in the kitchen. A record is being played.)

(Ed comes in.)

Ed: "Howdy folks. I heard the phonograph playing. I thought you would like some of my records better. Here is a good one."

(Ed puts it on.)

(Loud big band music plays. Ed dances to it.)

(Ralph comes out and takes Ed's record off.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"Alice & The Blonde":

Ralph: "It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the Treasurer Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be! Do you know what that means?"

Alice: "Yeah, real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up 100%."