Desperate for Advice on Meeting People - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

swedeace · 03-15-2007, 04:17 PM

Okay, everyone, I am very desperate. *hangs head in shame* This is quite a lengthy post, so if you are willing to sit through and read this in its entirety and are willing to attempt to help me, then I appreciate your patience.

I want to know what the majority of people's secrets are for socializing and actually getting others to talk or click with you. I am especially trying to date guys, but I keep coming into dead end corners. I have had no luck lately. I am not trying to compete with anyone, but I do surely am ready and willing to partake and put myself out there. However, I seem to fail horribly with this. I don't get it. I do not know what it is I am doing wrong.

I try and smile and even try to act friendly towards guys, and I see that most of the time, they do not smile back or show interest. It seems only much older men (who I am not interested in) are the chattiest. Why is that? What do you younger guys want when seeing a female? Are you looking for personal appearances or physical looks before you decide to approach a female? Are you THAT picky and decide to not approach a girl who is NOT hot? As far as it goes for me, I am not that good at styling my hair into nice hairstyles, so I can wear nice clothes. The only thing that I find physically awkward about me is that my hair is always in the same boring style. It's either down with me wearing a headband or up on a half ponytail with two bobby pins holding up the hair in the side of my temples. Booooorrrrrring! I mean, I would say I am average (I'm not a dog nor am I a hot girl), but it does break my heart when I go to a coffee house or even see in classrooms/computer labs how the guys tend to talk/socialize more with other girls. It could be that I am shy and quiet and keep to myself, but there are times I spread myself out in a coffee house or something just to show that I am not "always" closed up. You know...to make myself approachable, but that doesn't seem to work. What else does that make me feel? I feel nothing more than merely an ugly duckling.

In late February, I attended a "game night" at a Barnes & Nobles and saw this cute guy who worked there. He was in charge of the game night that evening, so we talked a bit. Then, he told me he remembered me from my job! He's taking a couple of multimedia classes, and we talked about them. I was ecstatic thinking that he was interested in getting to know me. Even if it's just chit-chat at the moment, I figured it was a good start. He then got two other co-workers to join in on the game night because I was the only customer. It seemed like he talked less to me when these co-workers joined us. I felt left out. I saw him at work, but he never greeted me or anything. I just thought, "Damn....figures...things NEVER work out well for me." How sad.

What could've gone wrong? Did I do something? Is it my appearance? Or...??? He was so chatty with me when I first arrived.

And, this isn't the first time. I know a guy from a coffee shop/restaurant who is now working at another coffee house. We know each other by face (I know his name, but I don't think he remembers mine), but that's all it is... Just talk...talk...talk. I don't wanna ask him to hang out because I keep hearing that guys hate persistence, and I don't wanna look stupid or even scare him off. UGH...

In other words, why wouldn't you just give a chance to go UP to a girl like me? We are not HOT, but we do try our best to take care of ourselves. Do you like HOT hair, or??? If you don't give us a chance, then how are you supposed to get to know us? I can be a lot of fun. I am human. I have goals, I have dreams, I want companionship, I am open to new experiences, I like to talk, I like to watch movies, etc. So.... Great, now I am feeling teary-eyed.

Now, I don't want to read posts by people saying, "That's why I don't go out in public or meet people" or whatever. I am not asking for personal opinions. I am just looking for suggestions or hints or secrets in dating/looking for a guy. And, I don't buy that whole "it'll take time" or "when you least expect it." I am rather picky, and I don't want some old 60-year-old man looking for me or even an 18-year-old guy finding me. *shudders*

Any suggestions? As many suggestions to hanging out or even finding a guy would be awesome. Thanks.

Brieannas21 · 03-15-2007, 06:57 PM

I'll tell you what I told my friend, find an activity that you really enjoy. If it's poetry go to a poetry night, if it's church go to church, if it's cooking join a cooking club. And I'm sure that you'll find someone who will find you interesting, and the big plus will be that you'll already have something in common.

My friend LOVE poetry so she started to go to different clubs for poetry night and that's how she found her bf, she was performing and he talked to her afterwards.

Also go to a place that you've never been before. If you're going to the same places every day, you're just going to see the same old people.

Kazza · 03-15-2007, 07:22 PM

Guys are something I will never figure out so welcome to the club!
Have been single for 5 yrs and finally I have put myself out there and had good dates and awkward ones that didn't get past the 30 minutes we talked. LOL
It mustn't be your hair style because my hair is extremely short and there's nothing I can do with it; it is a take it or leave it thing with me.

The guy that will be with you is out there, you just both need to find each other.

Michael [hXc] · 03-15-2007, 08:14 PM

I don't know how helpful my advice will be, seeing as I am a lot younger than you. But I will try to help and give you advice that fits your situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedeace

I want to know what the majority of people's secrets are for socializing and actually getting others to talk or click with you. I am especially trying to date guys, but I keep coming into dead end corners. I have had no luck lately. I am not trying to compete with anyone, but I do surely am ready and willing to partake and put myself out there. However, I seem to fail horribly with this. I don't get it. I do not know what it is I am doing wrong.

I'm going to be completely honest with you here. For whatever reason, I get the impression that you don't have a lot of self-confidence when it comes to socializing with guys. As a guy, I like when I am talking to a girl who seems confident with herself and is very open, relaxed, and willing to have a conversation. Are you usually nervous when you talk to guys? If you are, there are some guys who can sense that and may feel uncomfortable or hesitate to say all they would like to. Sometimes it's best to start a conversation with a greeting or a general statement that is easy for a guy to answer to.

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedeace

I try and smile and even try to act friendly towards guys, and I see that most of the time, they do not smile back or show interest. It seems only much older men (who I am not interested in) are the chattiest. Why is that? What do you younger guys want when seeing a female? Are you looking for personal appearances or physical looks before you decide to approach a female? Are you THAT picky and decide to not approach a girl who is NOT hot? As far as it goes for me, I am not that good at styling my hair into nice hairstyles, so I can wear nice clothes. The only thing that I find physically awkward about me is that my hair is always in the same boring style. It's either down with me wearing a headband or up on a half ponytail with two bobby pins holding up the hair in the side of my temples. Booooorrrrrring! I mean, I would say I am average (I'm not a dog nor am I a hot girl), but it does break my heart when I go to a coffee house or even see in classrooms/computer labs how the guys tend to talk/socialize more with other girls. It could be that I am shy and quiet and keep to myself, but there are times I spread myself out in a coffee house or something just to show that I am not "always" closed up. You know...to make myself approachable, but that doesn't seem to work. What else does that make me feel? I feel nothing more than merely an ugly duckling.

Unfortunately, many guys are shallow and will not approach a girl unless she measures up to their standards of "attractive". More realistically, "hot" or "sexy". As unfortunate as it is, it's true. I'm sure you're a very attractive woman, and if guys don't see that, it's their loss and not yours. If a guy doesn't approach you, you could always start a conversation with him or let him know you are interested in him without being overly straightforward. Just be friendly and most importantly, be yourself. I am guilty of only approaching girls who I think are hot. Sometimes, I meet a girl who is not the best looking girl I've ever met, but has an amazing personality and has a lot in common with me. I go for girls like that a lot of the time, and I'm sure if you meet guys who you have something in common with, they will realize that you have a great personality. Also, make sure you don't change your appearance for a guy, because he is <b>not</b>worth it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedeace

In late February, I attended a "game night" at a Barnes & Nobles and saw this cute guy who worked there. He was in charge of the game night that evening, so we talked a bit. Then, he told me he remembered me from my job! He's taking a couple of multimedia classes, and we talked about them. I was ecstatic thinking that he was interested in getting to know me. Even if it's just chit-chat at the moment, I figured it was a good start. He then got two other co-workers to join in on the game night because I was the only customer. It seemed like he talked less to me when these co-workers joined us. I felt left out. I saw him at work, but he never greeted me or anything. I just thought, "Damn....figures...things NEVER work out well for me." How sad.

What could've gone wrong? Did I do something? Is it my appearance? Or...??? He was so chatty with me when I first arrived.

That guy at 'game night' did not really get to know you. What you could have done was asked for his phone number, email address, etc. if you wanted to leave your conversation unfinished. That way, you could say 'I'd love to finish this conversation but now isn't a good time', and you'd have an excuse to talk to him later.

When he talked to you less when the other co-workers joined, that's to be expected when a group size increases. Try not to take it personally.

And if the guy was so unflattered by your appearance, he wouldn't have stopped talking to you all of a sudden, because there must have been something there that he saw in you when you two were talking. If he found you unflattering, he wouldn't talk to you and stop.

I doubt you did anything to upset him..as I said, it probably happened because other co-workers joined him in the games.

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedeace

And, this isn't the first time. I know a guy from a coffee shop/restaurant who is now working at another coffee house. We know each other by face (I know his name, but I don't think he remembers mine), but that's all it is... Just talk...talk...talk. I don't wanna ask him to hang out because I keep hearing that guys hate persistence, and I don't wanna look stupid or even scare him off. UGH...

Not all guys hate persistence, I certainly don't.

What you should do is find an activity that you really enjoy, and join a club or an organization so you can meet others who share similar interests. I'm sure there will be a guy there, and if you talk to him about the common interest, that is a great start for a conversation. As you know, the topic usually changes several times in a conversation, and you never know..something good could come out of it.

Give it a try, you have nothing to lose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedeace

In other words, why wouldn't you just give a chance to go UP to a girl like me? We are not HOT, but we do try our best to take care of ourselves. Do you like HOT hair, or??? If you don't give us a chance, then how are you supposed to get to know us? I can be a lot of fun. I am human. I have goals, I have dreams, I want companionship, I am open to new experiences, I like to talk, I like to watch movies, etc. So.... Great, now I am feeling teary-eyed.

Exactly. But it's the guy's loss if he doesn't talk to you because of your appearance. Sometimes, people need to give others a chance for other reasons. You should try to find a guy who can be a lot of fun, is human, has goals, has dreams, wants companionship, is open to new experiences, likes to talk and watch movies, etc. Usually, the guys who share those goals with you are NOT the kind who only judge a woman for her appearance. You just haven't found the right kind of guy yet..we're not all bad.

You seem like a great person and I hate to see you sad and upset.

One of these days, you will find a guy who likes you for you, and you'll remember that the guys who don't give you a chance are not worth any of your time or attention. You're much too good for them.

dawsongirl · 03-15-2007, 09:06 PM

I hate being social most of the time, and I really have no friends, so I have no advice, but I admire your willingness. I have some degree of social phobia, so I'd never do that.

¤I Love Clay Aiken¤ · 03-16-2007, 11:33 AM

Ugh I have the same problems! :/ lol

Nighthawk76 · 03-16-2007, 01:53 PM

Mona, I just want you to know that I've read through your post a couple of times. Within the next few days I will send you an email with a reponse. I'm just trying to think over what I want to say and what the best advice is that I can give you.

santaburger · 03-17-2007, 03:35 PM

Hey,
While I can't say that I've gone through the same thing, I definitely can relate. I'm 20, have never had a serious bf, and I'm pretty much a mess when it comes to guys. So, I don't know how valid my advice is, but here's what people have told me:
-It's all about confidence. Easier said than done, but I think that building overall confidence is bound to help... try to talk to guys as if any of them would be lucky to have you (and actually believe it!)
-Don't fret about the hair thing. There are always going to be girls more attractive than you, and there are always going to be girls less attractive than you. This doesn't mean you don't deserve companionship. There IS a guy out there who will think you're beautiful, fun, and worth getting to know.

This all sounds a little cliche, so msg me if you want to talk more extensively... trust me, I def. can relate...

03-15-2007, 04:17 PM	#1
swedeace Member Forum Fanatic Join Date: Sep 22, 2003 Posts: 9,009	Desperate for Advice on Meeting People Okay, everyone, I am very desperate. hangs head in shame This is quite a lengthy post, so if you are willing to sit through and read this in its entirety and are willing to attempt to help me, then I appreciate your patience. I want to know what the majority of people's secrets are for socializing and actually getting others to talk or click with you. I am especially trying to date guys, but I keep coming into dead end corners. I have had no luck lately. I am not trying to compete with anyone, but I do surely am ready and willing to partake and put myself out there. However, I seem to fail horribly with this. I don't get it. I do not know what it is I am doing wrong. I try and smile and even try to act friendly towards guys, and I see that most of the time, they do not smile back or show interest. It seems only much older men (who I am not interested in) are the chattiest. Why is that? What do you younger guys want when seeing a female? Are you looking for personal appearances or physical looks before you decide to approach a female? Are you THAT picky and decide to not approach a girl who is NOT hot? As far as it goes for me, I am not that good at styling my hair into nice hairstyles, so I can wear nice clothes. The only thing that I find physically awkward about me is that my hair is always in the same boring style. It's either down with me wearing a headband or up on a half ponytail with two bobby pins holding up the hair in the side of my temples. Booooorrrrrring! I mean, I would say I am average (I'm not a dog nor am I a hot girl), but it does break my heart when I go to a coffee house or even see in classrooms/computer labs how the guys tend to talk/socialize more with other girls. It could be that I am shy and quiet and keep to myself, but there are times I spread myself out in a coffee house or something just to show that I am not "always" closed up. You know...to make myself approachable, but that doesn't seem to work. What else does that make me feel? I feel nothing more than merely an ugly duckling. In late February, I attended a "game night" at a Barnes & Nobles and saw this cute guy who worked there. He was in charge of the game night that evening, so we talked a bit. Then, he told me he remembered me from my job! He's taking a couple of multimedia classes, and we talked about them. I was ecstatic thinking that he was interested in getting to know me. Even if it's just chit-chat at the moment, I figured it was a good start. He then got two other co-workers to join in on the game night because I was the only customer. It seemed like he talked less to me when these co-workers joined us. I felt left out. I saw him at work, but he never greeted me or anything. I just thought, "Damn....figures...things NEVER work out well for me." How sad. What could've gone wrong? Did I do something? Is it my appearance? Or...??? He was so chatty with me when I first arrived. And, this isn't the first time. I know a guy from a coffee shop/restaurant who is now working at another coffee house. We know each other by face (I know his name, but I don't think he remembers mine), but that's all it is... Just talk...talk...talk. I don't wanna ask him to hang out because I keep hearing that guys hate persistence, and I don't wanna look stupid or even scare him off. UGH... In other words, why wouldn't you just give a chance to go UP to a girl like me? We are not HOT, but we do try our best to take care of ourselves. Do you like HOT hair, or??? If you don't give us a chance, then how are you supposed to get to know us? I can be a lot of fun. I am human. I have goals, I have dreams, I want companionship, I am open to new experiences, I like to talk, I like to watch movies, etc. So.... Great, now I am feeling teary-eyed. Now, I don't want to read posts by people saying, "That's why I don't go out in public or meet people" or whatever. I am not asking for personal opinions. I am just looking for suggestions or hints or secrets in dating/looking for a guy. And, I don't buy that whole "it'll take time" or "when you least expect it." I am rather picky, and I don't want some old 60-year-old man looking for me or even an 18-year-old guy finding me. shudders Any suggestions? As many suggestions to hanging out or even finding a guy would be awesome. Thanks.

03-16-2007, 11:33 AM	#6
¤I Love Clay Aiken¤ MISS APRIL Forum Addict Join Date: Jul 19, 2001 Location: Parsonsfield ME Shaws - Screwing my way up the employment ladder! Posts: 68,780	Ugh I have the same problems! :/ lol
	__________________ DAVID COOK FOR AMERICAN IDOL

03-15-2007, 06:57 PM	#2
Brieannas21 Member Forum Fanatic Join Date: Apr 05, 2004 Location: Texas Posts: 9,792	I'll tell you what I told my friend, find an activity that you really enjoy. If it's poetry go to a poetry night, if it's church go to church, if it's cooking join a cooking club. And I'm sure that you'll find someone who will find you interesting, and the big plus will be that you'll already have something in common. My friend LOVE poetry so she started to go to different clubs for poetry night and that's how she found her bf, she was performing and he talked to her afterwards. Also go to a place that you've never been before. If you're going to the same places every day, you're just going to see the same old people.

03-15-2007, 07:22 PM	#3
Kazza Member Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 17, 2003 Posts: 3,244	Guys are something I will never figure out so welcome to the club! Have been single for 5 yrs and finally I have put myself out there and had good dates and awkward ones that didn't get past the 30 minutes we talked. LOL It mustn't be your hair style because my hair is extremely short and there's nothing I can do with it; it is a take it or leave it thing with me. The guy that will be with you is out there, you just both need to find each other.

03-15-2007, 09:06 PM	#5
dawsongirl Member Forum Icon Join Date: Jan 04, 2001 Posts: 53,140	I hate being social most of the time, and I really have no friends, so I have no advice, but I admire your willingness. I have some degree of social phobia, so I'd never do that.

03-16-2007, 01:53 PM	#7
Nighthawk76 Rachel Berry Forum Celebrity Join Date: Feb 28, 2003 Location: Illinois Posts: 23,254	Mona, I just want you to know that I've read through your post a couple of times. Within the next few days I will send you an email with a reponse. I'm just trying to think over what I want to say and what the best advice is that I can give you.

03-17-2007, 03:35 PM	#8
santaburger BooBooKitty :) Frequent Poster Join Date: Mar 16, 2007 Posts: 138	Hey, While I can't say that I've gone through the same thing, I definitely can relate. I'm 20, have never had a serious bf, and I'm pretty much a mess when it comes to guys. So, I don't know how valid my advice is, but here's what people have told me: -It's all about confidence. Easier said than done, but I think that building overall confidence is bound to help... try to talk to guys as if any of them would be lucky to have you (and actually believe it!) -Don't fret about the hair thing. There are always going to be girls more attractive than you, and there are always going to be girls less attractive than you. This doesn't mean you don't deserve companionship. There IS a guy out there who will think you're beautiful, fun, and worth getting to know. This all sounds a little cliche, so msg me if you want to talk more extensively... trust me, I def. can relate...