Wednesday's Quotes & a Honeymooners St. Patty's Day (Ralph going on DEAL OR NO DEAL!:

[Frank Gannucci]

(In honor of St. Patty's Day, here is my Honeymooners skit. Ralph Kramden is going on Deal or No Deal.)

(Howie Madell just got introduced.)

Howie: "Welcome to a special New York edition of Deal Or No Deal where one of you has the poteltial to take home $1 million. Our first contestant is from Brooklyn, NY. Ralph Kramden."

(Ralph comes on stage.)

Ralph: "Hello Howie! I have a feeling that I am going to play like I have never played before."

Howie: "Well, you do know that each of these 26 ladies has a briefcase. One of them has the million dollars. You ready to pick the briefcase."

Ralph: "Howie, in honor of St. Patty's Day, I am decked out in green and all my fellow lodge buddies are in attendace."

Raccoons (raising the tail on their caps): "Woooooooooooo!"

Ralph: "I am going to pick number 17."

(The lady gives him the briefcase.)

Ralph: "Oooh, you're the good one."

Howie: "Now, you see the top amounts on this baord and there yous ee the banker. He wants to buy that case from you for as little money as possible."

Ralph: "I just wnat to say one thing Howie. I attend to go on to the million dollars."

Howie: "Well, I am going to show you that you have people that you can talk to."

Ralph: "That's my wife Alice, that is my pal o' mine Ed Norton and there is Alice's mother..." (yells): "WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?"

Ed: "Ralph, Trixie couldn't make it so Alice figured to bring her mom since she's a big fan."

Alice's Mom: "Hiya Sonny boy!"

Ralph: "All right she can be here but once insult, bang zoom!"

Howie: "Tell me, I forgot to ask you this, what do you do for a living."

Ralph: "I have driven for the Gotham Bus Company."

Howie: "Well, they do say that travel braodens one."

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON!"

Howie: "Which suitcase do you want to pick first?"

Ralph: "Number 10."

Howie: "Open the case."

(The lady reveals $100.)

(After five more picks. Ralph still has the top ten amounts still in play. The banker calls.)

Howie: "The offer is $25,000."

Ralph: "Banker, I am saying to you that I am going on to the million and furthermore, YOU are a BUM! NO DEAL!"

(After all the picks, Ralph now has 1 penny, 1 dollar and the million dollars in play. The banker offers him $500,000.)

Alice: "Ralph, take the deal."

Ralph: "Why? I am going on to the million dollars Alice. I am not scared like you. I am going on, on, on, on."

Alice's Mom: "I hope that you do not take the deal. I just want to see the expression on your face when you find out that you are walking away with one cent."

Ralph (yells): "OH HO! BANG! ZOOM!"

Howie: "Well, I go to say Mr. Kramden, you would be the most courageous contestant I have ever had if you said no deal."

Ralph: "I want to win that million dollars so I can go on vacation to Miami Beach because I heard that they have the BEST weather in the world."

(Audience cheers.)

Alice: "For the last time Ralph, I would be very proud if you left here with $600!"

Ralph: "$600! Peanuts, peanuts. What am I going to do with peanuts?"

Alice: "Eat 'em like any other elephant."

McGarrity (from the audience, yells): "YEAH, LIKE AN ELEPHANT!"

(Ed laughs.)

Ralph (yells): "SHUT UP NORTON! ALICE AND MCGARRITY, ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU ARE GOING TO GET YOURS AND THAT BANKER WILL GET HIS! NO DEAL!"

(Ralph activates the "No Deal" lever.)

Howie: "Well, Mr. Kramden, you ARE the most courageous contestant I have ever had. During one offer, the banker offered you a lifetime supply of Burger King as part of the deal."

(Everyone laughs.)

Howie: "Do you want to switch your case?"

Ralph: "No."

Howie: "All right."

(Alice, Alice's Mom, Ed and some of Ralph's pals come on stage.)

Howie (opening up the case): "Mr. Kramden, you made a..."

(Howie opens the suitcase to reveal one penny.)

Howie: "...bad deal."

(Alice's Uncle Charlie comes by.)

Uncle Charlie: "Hi Ralph! It is GOOD to see ya! Am I too late?"

Alice's Mom: "You may be too late for the show as well as for seeing my big, dumb son-in-law make a fool of himself."

Ralph (yells): "BLABBERMOUTH! YOU BLABBERMOUTH!"

(Ralph chases after her.)

(Jackie Gleason comes on stage.)

Jackie: "How about that? Folks, in honor of St. Patty's Day, I felt it was good to have Ralph try to strike it rich on Deal or No Deal. I like to bring out the cast. First, Howie Mendell."

(Howie comes out and shakes Gleason's hand.)

Jackie: "Audrey Meadows!"

(Audrey comes out and kisses Jackie.)

Jackie: "Art Carney."

(Art comes out and shakes Gleason's hand."

Jackie (yells): "HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!"

(Audience cheers.)

Now on for my quotes:

"Two Tickets To The Fight":

Ralph: "Throw a punch at me and I will duck."

(Ed throws a punch and hits Ralph.)

Ed: "Hey, that's some ducking Ralph. I can never hit you the second
time."

"TV or Not TV":

Alice: "Why can't we have a TV set?"

Ralph: "Do you want to know the reason? Do you want to know the
reason?"

Alice: "Yeah."

Ralph: "The reason? All right...I am waiting for third-dimensional
television."

"Young At Heart":

Ed: "As time wore on, I grew older. I matured."

Ralph: "Yeah, now you are a full-grown nut."

"Peacemaker":

Ralph: "You know that it takes me one hour to get to sleep when I put
my head down on the pillow."

Alice: "Remarkable. Every night for 59 minutes, you snore before you
got to sleep."

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

Ed: "Why don't you name the dog Ralph? This way, not only can people
call him, dogs can call him too. Oh Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!"

(Ed barks like a dog and scares Ralph.)

Ralph (yells): "GET OUT! GET OUT!"

"TV or Not TV":

Ed: "Me and Ralph tossed a coin to see who would get the TV set. He
said: 'Heads, I win. Tails, you lose.' It was tails, so I lost."

Ralph (to Alice): "Don't look at me like that. I learned that trick
from you. That's how we got married."

"The New Manager":

Ralph: "I know. We will take the Nortons on our honeymoon."

Trixie: "Ralph, you don't want us on your honeymoon."

Ed: "Will you keep quiet woman?"

"In Twenty-Five Words Or Less":

(Ralph is thinking of a slogan for Flakey-Wakeys.)

Ralph: "'Flakey-Wakeys add to the taste...'

Ed: "'...but take away from you fat little waist.'"