DVD Critic's Corner - Big Wrestler Turned Actor Edition! - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJL · 03-04-2007, 07:45 PM

“The Marine,” a shoot’em up action yarn is the latest opus from World Wrestling Entertainment, the sports empire that has provided us with countless hours of quality family fun. I am proud to say their foray into the movie business continues the tradition of excellence they’ve established on the small screen.

It makes you wonder what exactly takes place at a WWE production headquarters. Do they discuss production statistics and gross figures on DVD releases, and then hit each other with folding metal chairs? Are pitch meetings held in a steel cage? Does “casual Friday” mean no spandex is worn?

Sadly none of these questions are answered in “The Marine,” but it does introduce us to the newest wrestler turned master thespian, John Cena.

Cena plays John Triton (yes, even his last name can kick your ass) a take charge Marine who single handedly destroys a giant Al Queda compound in the opening scene. Unfortunately, the Marine Corps doesn’t like it when you kill bad guys in Iraq without express written orders typed up in triplicate with one in the in box and one in the out box, so John is told to turn in his grenades and take his killing skills elsewhere.

John returns home to reunite with his wife Kate who is played by actress Kelly Carlson, a woman so amazingly beautiful she should not be looked at directly with the naked eye. I suggest looking at Kelly Carlson through a welding shield with at least a #10 shade, or if that isn’t available, use several layers of muslin fabric or one of those padded movers blankets.

Kate wants John to be happy. John wishes he could still blow stuff up.
It’s a modern love story we can all relate to.

Meanwhile in the more interesting part of the movie, badass jewel thief Rome (Robert Patrick of “Terminator 2”) pulls off an explosion filled daytime jewel heist. You can tell Rome is a badass because he walks in slow motion amidst the explosions as White Zombie’s “More Human Than You Man” blasts on the soundtrack.

Assisting Rome’s endeavor is a crew of action cinema’s biggest clichés (the big angry black guy, the femme fatale chick, the guy we don’t get to know because Rome will kill him to make a point) who also love to shoot people and blow stuff up.

Rome and his merry band make off with a fortune in gems, but can’t seem to make a clean getaway because they keep attracting attention to themselves by shooting everyone who crosses their path. Rome blows away a few suspicious cops at a gas station just as John and his incredibly hot wife Kate are picking up a slurpee on their way out of town for a vacation. The baddies grab totally smoking hottie Kate and beat feet before blowing the gas station to bits. Did I mention these guys really love blowing stuff up?

John emerges from the wreckage with nary a scratch on his granite jaw and chases the bad guys in a commandeered police car. Rome’s gang fires billions of rounds at our hero during the chase, but for some reason they can’t hit a guy the size of the Michelin Man at point blank range.

The chase moves into the local swamp, where the pyrotechnics continue as every shack, warehouse and riverside café is incinerated in a fiery mushroom cloud.
When will people in movies learn that you never leave a lifetime supply of propane tanks and your dynamite collection lying out in the open where anyone with more small arms than a third world army will wander by and start a gunfight?

John manages to pick off the bad guys one by one, face down Rome in an exploding (what else?) boathouse and save his smudged but still amazingly hot wife while displaying the same emotion and passion as the trees surrounding him.

While I cannot recommend “the Marine,” I do highly recommend explosions. So get out the blasting caps and gasoline and blow stuff up at your next party. But please remember a good party host always remembers to pass out ear protection to the guests before setting off the carbombs.

I read that in Martha Stuart.

Janice · 03-04-2007, 09:25 PM

Very funny review. I gotta be honest though, we liked the movie. It had enough action to satisy the husband, and had the hunk factor going on too for me, lol.

Brian Damage · 03-04-2007, 11:14 PM

For some reason, I am not itching to see it like I was with Kane's movie...See No Evil.

TJL · 03-05-2007, 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brian Damage

For some reason, I am not itching to see it like I was with Kane's movie...See No Evil.

As a reviewer, there are so many movies featuring wrestlers turned actors that I can take.

I'm only human!

Brian Damage · 03-05-2007, 09:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TJL

As a reviewer, there are so many movies featuring wrestlers turned actors that I can take.

I'm only human!

03-04-2007, 07:45 PM	#1
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	DVD Critic's Corner - Big Wrestler Turned Actor Edition! “The Marine,” a shoot’em up action yarn is the latest opus from World Wrestling Entertainment, the sports empire that has provided us with countless hours of quality family fun. I am proud to say their foray into the movie business continues the tradition of excellence they’ve established on the small screen. It makes you wonder what exactly takes place at a WWE production headquarters. Do they discuss production statistics and gross figures on DVD releases, and then hit each other with folding metal chairs? Are pitch meetings held in a steel cage? Does “casual Friday” mean no spandex is worn? Sadly none of these questions are answered in “The Marine,” but it does introduce us to the newest wrestler turned master thespian, John Cena. Cena plays John Triton (yes, even his last name can kick your ass) a take charge Marine who single handedly destroys a giant Al Queda compound in the opening scene. Unfortunately, the Marine Corps doesn’t like it when you kill bad guys in Iraq without express written orders typed up in triplicate with one in the in box and one in the out box, so John is told to turn in his grenades and take his killing skills elsewhere. John returns home to reunite with his wife Kate who is played by actress Kelly Carlson, a woman so amazingly beautiful she should not be looked at directly with the naked eye. I suggest looking at Kelly Carlson through a welding shield with at least a #10 shade, or if that isn’t available, use several layers of muslin fabric or one of those padded movers blankets. Kate wants John to be happy. John wishes he could still blow stuff up. It’s a modern love story we can all relate to. Meanwhile in the more interesting part of the movie, badass jewel thief Rome (Robert Patrick of “Terminator 2”) pulls off an explosion filled daytime jewel heist. You can tell Rome is a badass because he walks in slow motion amidst the explosions as White Zombie’s “More Human Than You Man” blasts on the soundtrack. Assisting Rome’s endeavor is a crew of action cinema’s biggest clichés (the big angry black guy, the femme fatale chick, the guy we don’t get to know because Rome will kill him to make a point) who also love to shoot people and blow stuff up. Rome and his merry band make off with a fortune in gems, but can’t seem to make a clean getaway because they keep attracting attention to themselves by shooting everyone who crosses their path. Rome blows away a few suspicious cops at a gas station just as John and his incredibly hot wife Kate are picking up a slurpee on their way out of town for a vacation. The baddies grab totally smoking hottie Kate and beat feet before blowing the gas station to bits. Did I mention these guys really love blowing stuff up? John emerges from the wreckage with nary a scratch on his granite jaw and chases the bad guys in a commandeered police car. Rome’s gang fires billions of rounds at our hero during the chase, but for some reason they can’t hit a guy the size of the Michelin Man at point blank range. The chase moves into the local swamp, where the pyrotechnics continue as every shack, warehouse and riverside café is incinerated in a fiery mushroom cloud. When will people in movies learn that you never leave a lifetime supply of propane tanks and your dynamite collection lying out in the open where anyone with more small arms than a third world army will wander by and start a gunfight? John manages to pick off the bad guys one by one, face down Rome in an exploding (what else?) boathouse and save his smudged but still amazingly hot wife while displaying the same emotion and passion as the trees surrounding him. While I cannot recommend “the Marine,” I do highly recommend explosions. So get out the blasting caps and gasoline and blow stuff up at your next party. But please remember a good party host always remembers to pass out ear protection to the guests before setting off the carbombs. I read that in Martha Stuart.
	__________________ "I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going..." - Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Read my blogs! http://centralparkamisguide.com/ http://dvdcriticscorner.com Visit me on Facebook!http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641138880 Hey, I do the tweet thing too! http://twitter.com/TomLevier My shop of handmade items! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

03-04-2007, 11:14 PM	#3
Brian Damage I'm Rich Bitch Forum Icon Join Date: Feb 03, 2002 Location: What Ain't No Country I Ever Heard Of...They Speak English in What? Posts: 63,107	For some reason, I am not itching to see it like I was with Kane's movie...See No Evil.
	__________________ The Key to the Kingdom of Heaven: John 3:3 *Money Doesn't Buy Happiness...But I'd Rather Cry in My Private Jet*

03-04-2007, 09:25 PM	#2
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	Very funny review. I gotta be honest though, we liked the movie. It had enough action to satisy the husband, and had the hunk factor going on too for me, lol.