How to deal with best friends and their boyfriends - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Karen* · 03-04-2007, 03:25 AM

Hey everyone. I've kinda got a girly, typical angsty adolescent problem and I was wondering if anyone could help me resolve it.

I've been hanging out with the girl I consider my best friend in the world since sixth grade. We've been practically inseparable since then and we've been through almost everything together for the past eight years. Late last year, she began seeing this guy at our school and they officially became a couple in December. I was happy for the both of them and plus she couldn't have picked a better guy. He's really good to her and he's always been really nice to me and the rest of our friends. I'll admit that I was jealous though since I never have luck with guys. But I was more concerned with the fact that we might not have as much time together.

Anyway, I couldn't have been more right! Since those two first became a couple, they've been inseparable. I mean, I like the guy and it's cool to have one more awesome person in my circle of friends, but frankly, I want him to go away once in a while so my friend and I can have some girl time together. It's an unspoken rule...Like, if I ask her if she wants to see a movie, he'll just automatically show up with her. Everywhere we go, he comes along too. This especially sucks when it's just the three of us because they're the couple and I'm the third wheel. -_-

I've tried to let it go and get used to it, but I can't. I wanna spend time with my best friend and even though her boyfriend is a good person and I like spending time with him as well, it seems ridiculous that I have to share her with him on most of the days we get to hang out. Our other friends have also said they've felt the same way. I really feel like I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel, but I want to know how I should approach her and what I should tell her. I kind of want to talk to her boyfriend too about it. I'm just so scared of talking to them because I don't want to offend either of them. Then again, I've already been through a lot without having her around as much. It's an issue that I need to address but it's definitely something that I'm going to need a lot of help with. Please offer any input you have, I'd appreciate it so much. Thanks everyone!

JO jr · 03-04-2007, 05:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Girl Next Door

Hey everyone. I've kinda got a girly, typical angsty adolescent problem and I was wondering if anyone could help me resolve it.

I've been hanging out with the girl I consider my best friend in the world since sixth grade. We've been practically inseparable since then and we've been through almost everything together for the past eight years. Late last year, she began seeing this guy at our school and they officially became a couple in December. I was happy for the both of them and plus she couldn't have picked a better guy. He's really good to her and he's always been really nice to me and the rest of our friends. I'll admit that I was jealous though since I never have luck with guys. But I was more concerned with the fact that we might not have as much time together.

Anyway, I couldn't have been more right! Since those two first became a couple, they've been inseparable. I mean, I like the guy and it's cool to have one more awesome person in my circle of friends, but frankly, I want him to go away once in a while so my friend and I can have some girl time together. It's an unspoken rule...Like, if I ask her if she wants to see a movie, he'll just automatically show up with her. Everywhere we go, he comes along too. This especially sucks when it's just the three of us because they're the couple and I'm the third wheel. -_-

I've tried to let it go and get used to it, but I can't. I wanna spend time with my best friend and even though her boyfriend is a good person and I like spending time with him as well, it seems ridiculous that I have to share her with him on most of the days we get to hang out. Our other friends have also said they've felt the same way. I really feel like I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel, but I want to know how I should approach her and what I should tell her. I kind of want to talk to her boyfriend too about it. I'm just so scared of talking to them because I don't want to offend either of them. Then again, I've already been through a lot without having her around as much. It's an issue that I need to address but it's definitely something that I'm going to need a lot of help with. Please offer any input you have, I'd appreciate it so much. Thanks everyone!

MANY YEARS AGO, THIS HAPPENED TO ME. I FELT AS IF I WAS LOSING MY BEST FRIEND, AND WHAT MATTERS WORSE, IS WHEN WE'D GO OUT TO EAT, I FELT AS IF I WAS LEFT OUT OF THE CONVERSATION, EVERYTHING

LIKE I WAS JUST INVISIBLE. IT HURT MY FEELINGS A GREAT DEAL, AND I FINALLY SAID SOMETHING. HOWEVER, IT ALL CAME OUT AT ONCE, AND WE BOH ENDED UP YELLING AT ONE ANOTHER AND CRYING. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

THINGS WERE VERY AKWARD AND DIFFERENT FOR A WHILE. AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS INVOLVED IN THEIR WEDDING, TO THIS DAY, I THINK THAT FIGHT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH HER NOT ASKING ME NOT TO BE A BRIDESMAID. YEP. THEY ENDED UP GETTING MARRIED, AND STILL ARE, VERY HAPPILY. WE HAVE REMAINED VERY GOOD FRIENDS THROUGHOUT ALL THESE YEARS AS WELL, AND IT'S JUST NATURUAL FOR THE 3 OF US TO HANG OUT. I LOVE THOSE GUYS, AND WERE ALL THISTIGHT!

MY ADVICE: TALK TO HER ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL, BUT HAVE IN MIND AHEAD OF TIME WHATYOU WANT TO SAY. THEN, NO MATTER WHAT, STAY CALM, AND HEAR HER OUT. NOT THAT I EVER DID, BUT DON'T LET HER CHOSE BETWEEN HIM AND YOU. SHE SEEMS AS IF SHE IS IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY, AND WHO KNOWS IF HE WILL BE "THE ONE", TOO. YOU CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO BE OUT OF HER LIFE, SO DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.

MAYBE CALL HER AND TELL HER YOU THERE'S GOING TO BE A GIRLS' NIGHT OUT, THEN MAKE SURE THERE ARE IN FACT OTHER FRIENDS OF YOURS GOING, SO SHE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE SHE'S BEING SET UP OR SOMETHING. MAYBE ALL THE BOYFRIENDS OF YOUR FRIENDS CAN HANG OUT TOGETHER ON THE SAME NIGHT, TOO. WHEN AN OPPORTUNITY ARISES, DISCUSS YOUR FEELINGS WITH HER, BETWEEN JUST THE TWO OF YOU. DON'T GET OTHER FRIENDS INVOLVED EITHER. YOU WILL HAVE MORE OF A MESS THAN YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH!

COURSE, NOT THAT ANYONE SHOULD HAVE TO BE A DOORMAT, SO SHE SHOULD LIKE-WISE TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT, TOO.

MEANWHILE, KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. COME ON OVER TO S.O., TAKE UP A NEW HOBBY, OR GET BACK TO ONE YOU LIKE, HANG OUT WITH YOUR OTHER FRIENDS AND WIDEN OUT IN YOUR ASSOCIATIONS. WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IF YOU FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION ON OTHER MATTERS AND OTHER PEOPLE, THIS WILL GIVE YOU A NEW LEASE ON LIFE, AND I'M SURE YOU AND YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND WILL THE BEST OF FRIENDS ONCE AGAIN SOON

(DISCLAIMER-I AM NOT A SHRINK, I JUST PLAY ONE IN MY

MIND)

HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR YOU

Number 9 Dream · 03-04-2007, 05:01 PM

Hey there,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I used to have a friend in high school that I'd hang out with on a fairly regular basis (we weren't BEST friends or anything, but we knew each other all through out high school and often did things together after school). Well, she used to plan 'girl nights' with my best friend and I and would end up bringing her boyfriend along! I mean, she would see him almost every day that week -- why did she feel the need to bring him along on a night that was set aside just for the girls? Not only that, but she'd make out with him right in front of us, making it an uncomfortable situation. I liked her boyfriend and all (he was actually really nice and funny), but I thought it was rather crappy of her to do that.

I think you need to make this known to your friend as soon as possible. It's hard to say something that won't hurt her feelings (because she may take it that you don't like her boyfriend), but I really don't think it's right that you have to fight to spend time with her. She should want to spend some time with you as well (just you and her).

I remember when I was dating my ex and I always found time to spend with my best friend and I always made her feel like part of the group if we ever did all hang out together. It sucks to feel like a third wheel and I refused to put my best friend through that.

Talk to her as soon as you can...just ask her if she'd like to do a girls' night sometime soon. You don't have to come outright and say 'You know, without your boyfriend there', but do it in a subtle way. If she asks if she can take her boyfriend, then say 'Well, I sort of thought you and I could just hang out...we haven't done that in a while.' If she gets offended, tell her how you honestly feel. If she's any friend at all, she'll hear you out

Good luck

TJL · 03-04-2007, 08:20 PM

You'll be happy to know that this happens with people of any age. Including this old man.

There will always be friends who drop off the face of the earth when they get into a relationship.

My roommate has been dating this great girl for several months now, and I don't see him a lot without her at his side. Sometimes it bugs me becasue i wish we could hang out together without her around, but those feelings pass.

My advice to you Girl Next Door is to tell your friend you miss hanging out with her one on one, but don't make it sound like you resent her boyfriend. the last thing you want is to give your friend a "it's him or me" ultimatum.

Ireneparalegal · 03-04-2007, 08:26 PM

Ahhhhh the old "my best friend has a boyfriend" syndrome. Everyone has gone through this. Either you are the one with the boyfriend or you are the one who feels neglected.

I was the one with the boyfriend(s), I remember when my best friend seemed so bothered by it.

My daughter is going through this right now. Her best friend doesn't come around as much or call because my daughter has a boyfriend.

It is a hard situation and a touchy one.

*Pleasant Tomorrow* · 03-04-2007, 09:30 PM

Good luck with this Karen. Sorry I don't have any advice, but all of my friends are in the same boat as me so I can't say I'm experiencing the same thing. :/

Karen* · 03-05-2007, 12:44 AM

You guys are really great. I read every single word of your posts and I will definitely take all your advice into consideration. Keep it comin, and thank you all so much!

Janice · 03-05-2007, 03:03 AM

I can understand your friend wanting to spend most of her time with her boyfriend. That's only natural. What I don't understand is why, when she does spend time with you, he has to tag along. Like you say, he's a nice guy, but that has nothing to do with it. It's nice having girl time, and the same goes for guys.

I don't think you're asking for a lot to want to spend a day or evening with just your friend. I always had a boyfriend, then a husband, my entire life...and I wouldn't dream of taking them out with my girlfriends all the time. There's a time and a place for everything. Are those two joined at the hip so bad that they can't spend a few hours apart?

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's not easy for you, I'm sure. Perhaps you could explain to her that you need some alone time with her. That's a reasonable request. A good friend will take your concerns seriously. This friendship seems out of balance to me, with her calling all the shots. You deserve more respect.

cmcb06 · 03-05-2007, 03:14 AM

It is natural for her friend to want to spend time with her bf, but as Janice said

Quote:

Are those two joined at the hip so bad that they can't spend a few hours apart?

I mean she should be able to spend some alone time with you. It seems that it is just a one sided friendship, you fulfill her needs but she won't do the same for you. Either this needs to be resolved, or you need to find different friends that respect you.

Cactus Jack · 03-05-2007, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ireneparalegal

I was the one with the boyfriend(s),

DAMN you sure got around!

03-04-2007, 03:25 AM	#1
Karen* paradox. Forum Superstar Join Date: Jan 08, 2005 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 28,365	How to deal with best friends and their boyfriends Hey everyone. I've kinda got a girly, typical angsty adolescent problem and I was wondering if anyone could help me resolve it. I've been hanging out with the girl I consider my best friend in the world since sixth grade. We've been practically inseparable since then and we've been through almost everything together for the past eight years. Late last year, she began seeing this guy at our school and they officially became a couple in December. I was happy for the both of them and plus she couldn't have picked a better guy. He's really good to her and he's always been really nice to me and the rest of our friends. I'll admit that I was jealous though since I never have luck with guys. But I was more concerned with the fact that we might not have as much time together. Anyway, I couldn't have been more right! Since those two first became a couple, they've been inseparable. I mean, I like the guy and it's cool to have one more awesome person in my circle of friends, but frankly, I want him to go away once in a while so my friend and I can have some girl time together. It's an unspoken rule...Like, if I ask her if she wants to see a movie, he'll just automatically show up with her. Everywhere we go, he comes along too. This especially sucks when it's just the three of us because they're the couple and I'm the third wheel. -_- I've tried to let it go and get used to it, but I can't. I wanna spend time with my best friend and even though her boyfriend is a good person and I like spending time with him as well, it seems ridiculous that I have to share her with him on most of the days we get to hang out. Our other friends have also said they've felt the same way. I really feel like I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel, but I want to know how I should approach her and what I should tell her. I kind of want to talk to her boyfriend too about it. I'm just so scared of talking to them because I don't want to offend either of them. Then again, I've already been through a lot without having her around as much. It's an issue that I need to address but it's definitely something that I'm going to need a lot of help with. Please offer any input you have, I'd appreciate it so much. Thanks everyone!
	__________________ karen on \| twitter \| tumblr

03-04-2007, 05:01 PM	#3
Number 9 Dream That '70s Girl Forum Veteran Join Date: Jan 18, 2005 Location: Long Island, NY Posts: 5,875	Hey there, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I used to have a friend in high school that I'd hang out with on a fairly regular basis (we weren't BEST friends or anything, but we knew each other all through out high school and often did things together after school). Well, she used to plan 'girl nights' with my best friend and I and would end up bringing her boyfriend along! I mean, she would see him almost every day that week -- why did she feel the need to bring him along on a night that was set aside just for the girls? Not only that, but she'd make out with him right in front of us, making it an uncomfortable situation. I liked her boyfriend and all (he was actually really nice and funny), but I thought it was rather crappy of her to do that. I think you need to make this known to your friend as soon as possible. It's hard to say something that won't hurt her feelings (because she may take it that you don't like her boyfriend), but I really don't think it's right that you have to fight to spend time with her. She should want to spend some time with you as well (just you and her). I remember when I was dating my ex and I always found time to spend with my best friend and I always made her feel like part of the group if we ever did all hang out together. It sucks to feel like a third wheel and I refused to put my best friend through that. Talk to her as soon as you can...just ask her if she'd like to do a girls' night sometime soon. You don't have to come outright and say 'You know, without your boyfriend there', but do it in a subtle way. If she asks if she can take her boyfriend, then say 'Well, I sort of thought you and I could just hang out...we haven't done that in a while.' If she gets offended, tell her how you honestly feel. If she's any friend at all, she'll hear you out Good luck
	__________________ Live a little be a gypsy get around http://www.librarything.com/profile/skelterhelter http://retrogirl82.dvdaf.com/owned formerly Retrogirl82

03-04-2007, 08:20 PM	#4
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	You'll be happy to know that this happens with people of any age. Including this old man. There will always be friends who drop off the face of the earth when they get into a relationship. My roommate has been dating this great girl for several months now, and I don't see him a lot without her at his side. Sometimes it bugs me becasue i wish we could hang out together without her around, but those feelings pass. My advice to you Girl Next Door is to tell your friend you miss hanging out with her one on one, but don't make it sound like you resent her boyfriend. the last thing you want is to give your friend a "it's him or me" ultimatum.
	__________________ "I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going..." - Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce Read my blogs! http://centralparkamisguide.com/ http://dvdcriticscorner.com Visit me on Facebook!http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=641138880 Hey, I do the tweet thing too! http://twitter.com/TomLevier My shop of handmade items! http://www.etsy.com/shop/ColdGarageCreations

03-04-2007, 08:26 PM	#5
Ireneparalegal LEGAL SPICE ;) Forum Legend Join Date: Jul 25, 2005 Location: OXNARD, CA - WHERE THE DALLAS COWBOYS TRAIN & PRACTICE Posts: 38,691	Ahhhhh the old "my best friend has a boyfriend" syndrome. Everyone has gone through this. Either you are the one with the boyfriend or you are the one who feels neglected. I was the one with the boyfriend(s), I remember when my best friend seemed so bothered by it. My daughter is going through this right now. Her best friend doesn't come around as much or call because my daughter has a boyfriend. It is a hard situation and a touchy one.
	__________________ DALLAS COWBOYS ARE HERE AT TRAINING CAMP!!!

03-04-2007, 09:30 PM	#6
Pleasant Tomorrow Member Forum Addict Join Date: Feb 19, 2003 Location: New York Posts: 69,525	Good luck with this Karen. Sorry I don't have any advice, but all of my friends are in the same boat as me so I can't say I'm experiencing the same thing. :/
	__________________ my name is ashlee Welcome! Everything is fine.

03-05-2007, 12:44 AM	#7
Karen* paradox. Forum Superstar Join Date: Jan 08, 2005 Location: San Francisco, CA Posts: 28,365	You guys are really great. I read every single word of your posts and I will definitely take all your advice into consideration. Keep it comin, and thank you all so much!

03-05-2007, 03:03 AM	#8
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	I can understand your friend wanting to spend most of her time with her boyfriend. That's only natural. What I don't understand is why, when she does spend time with you, he has to tag along. Like you say, he's a nice guy, but that has nothing to do with it. It's nice having girl time, and the same goes for guys. I don't think you're asking for a lot to want to spend a day or evening with just your friend. I always had a boyfriend, then a husband, my entire life...and I wouldn't dream of taking them out with my girlfriends all the time. There's a time and a place for everything. Are those two joined at the hip so bad that they can't spend a few hours apart? I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's not easy for you, I'm sure. Perhaps you could explain to her that you need some alone time with her. That's a reasonable request. A good friend will take your concerns seriously. This friendship seems out of balance to me, with her calling all the shots. You deserve more respect.