Just something I feel the need to say

[Brad Russ]

Do any of you ever worry about getting shot, and taken away from the ones you love?? I worry about it quite a bit actually. I've been in so many physical confrontations in the 9 years that I've lived in my current neighborhood, and have had several close calls. Iv'e been robbed, had a knife pulled on me, been surrounded by people calling me racial slurs a couple times, and much more, but fortunately, it's never gone beyond that, and I've never gotten hurt. I think it's because my mom's boyfriend is friends with one of the main gang members in our neighborhood's mom, so most of the people here know not to mess with me since they respect her and my mom's bf, and he's like a father to me. He worries when I go out at nightime though, because he did 10 years in prison, and has been shot three times, and stabbed several more, and so he knows how dangerous it is out there. Since I'm a nighttime person, and have insomnia, I sometimes want to go to the Shell station to get a coke or something, and even though I'm never really too scared, I'll admit, everytime I hear a car slowly creeping behind me, my heart rate picks up, and I get a little scared, just waiting for that loud bang which could inevitably be the last sound I ever hear. One thing that's good though, is that I always pray before I go out, and I often wear my crucifix, although it's broken now, so I just carry it in my pocket.

Anyway, the reason I bring all this up, is because it's almost 2:00 am, and I'm about to go to Shell to get a coke, and for some reason, it just came to me, what if this were the last walk to Shell I ever took?? I started thinking about how Christmas is coming up, and about my family, as well as my friends here at S.O., who I'd never get to talk to again. I started thinking about how I'd never get to see Rocky Balboa in the theatres, and how things would be at S.O. a month from now, when many of my friends here would be asking: whatever happened to Little Mel?? It actually even made my eyes a little watery. This has been a really tough year for me in many ways, but even moreso, it has been a really good one, as I've made so many improvements with myself in every way, and I just realized not so long ago for the first time that you know what, I actually don't want to die like I always thought I did before, I want to live. Living is good, even when it sometimes doesn't feel like it, because as long as there's life, there's hope that things can change, and I'm a perfect example of that. And if you don't believe me, send me a P.M. asking me where I was two years ago, compared to where I am today, and you'll see what I mean. God has been soooo good to me, and I'm glad I'm finally realizing that!!

I know this is corny, and maybe it's just my time of the month, (As I often say to my mom when I get like this,) but to all my close friends here at S.O., and you all know who you are, I love you all very very much, and you have each added to my life in more ways then I could ever explain!!! I never had many friends growing up as a kid, Infact, I can count those friends on one hand, but I can honestly say that Iv'e made more friends with the kind people at S.O. then I had in all my school days combined, and that was something I absolutely needed, both for my confidence, and for my sanity, and I THANK YOU, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY everyone, for your love, and friendship. It very possibly saved my life!! Certainly made it 1000 times better!!!

Alrighty then, enough with all this emotional, where is my box of tissues stuff. Now let me get back to my normal goofy self.

[dragster58]

No worries, as the Kinks used to sing: "Show a little bit of emotion....people are afriad to show their emotions...". My late dad used to say: "It's harder staying alive than dying", but anyway HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES........

[Brad Russ]

Originally Posted by dragster58

No worries, as the Kinks used to sing: "Show a little bit of emotion....people are afriad to show their emotions...". My late dad used to say: "It's harder staying alive than dying", but anyway HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES........

Thanks so much Dragster58, that really is kind of you. And Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones too!!! I wish you all the happiness in the world, and a great year to come!!

Btw, I love that picture. It's cozy, and puts me in the Holiday Spirit!!

[dragster58]

Thank you very much LM!!

[Penny Lane]

Going to a convenience store in the middle of the night is dangerous. Is a Coke worth your life?

[Ireneparalegal]

I have had these same recurring thoughts in my head as well Brad! Not because I have been in the kind of situations that you have, simply because I have this crazy ass feeling that I will die some crazy death. I have this same nightmare at least four to five times a year that I am being shot and/or stabbed. The horrible part is, I continue to breathe and I am suffering. I can't get help, I am all alone. When I have this nightmare, I wake up in a sweat and my breathing is very rapid and my heartbeat is beating a 1000 times a minute. It is awful. I don't know why I have these nightmares. It's not the exact dream each time, but the result is the same. I wonder if I will be an old lady and get stabbed in my home. I wonder if I will be out somewhere and someone will try to rob me and shoot me. It's a freakish feeling I let go, but when I have those nightmares, it will bother me for days.

[TVFactFan]

My Nightmares consist of an Home invasion. I don;t know why I always think about that because i don;t live in the GHETTO so i think it's watching all that local news

[swedeace]

I think I am generally scared of dying young before I get to accomplish personal milestones in my own life.

[dragster58]

Freddie used to sing the sad "Who wants to live forever".....he sang that one for obvious personal reasons that we all know, but the lyrics are emblematic...I always give it deep thought!!

There's no time for us,
There's no place for us,
What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us

Who wants to live forever,
Who wants to live forever?
There's no chance for us,
It's all decided for us,
This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us

Who wants to live forever,
Who dares to love forever,
Who dare who dare,
Who wants to live forever,
When love must die

So touch my tears with your lips,
Touch my world with your fingertips,
And we can have forever,
And we can have forever,
Forever is our today,
Who wants to live forever,
Who wants to live forever,
Forever is our today,
Who waits forever anyway?

[Nighthawk76]

Originally Posted by swedeace

I think I am generally scared of dying young before I get to accomplish personal milestones in my own life.

Yeah, me too. If I were to die now I don't think that I would be leaving a whole lot behind.

[Already Gone]

No, for me it's the other way around. I worry about my loved ones being taken away from me. I've never been afraid of my own death as long as there is no physical pain.

[Brad Russ]

Originally Posted by Groovy Paradise

No, for me it's the other way around. I worry about my loved ones being taken away from me. I've never been afraid of my own death as long as there is no physical pain.

I tend to worry more about the pain my family would go through losing me, then the pain I'd go through losing them. As much as I'd be devastated losing one of them, the thought of my family having to deal with my death is unbearable to me. That is why I've made so many changes to my life, and why I don't nearly put myself at risk the way I use to. Because I realize that the ones who would hurt the most, would be my family.

In response to Penny Lane's comments, you're right, getting a Coke at 2:00 am probably isn't the smartest idea, which is why I don't do it as often anymore. I use to be out at that hour 5 days a week, for three hours at a time, since I never went out in the daytime. Now I just take a 15 minute walk to the store about once or twice a week, so atleast it's not like it was. It's tough though when night after night you're awake, and can't sleep, and have nothing in the fridge. Maybe I ought to start stocking up on beverages so my fridge won't be empty at 2:00 am. LOL!! There's an idea huh?? Sad thing is, lately, it's been almost as dangerous going out in the daytime in my neighborhood, as it has been at night. Fortunately, the people in the drug house next door moved away, and the ones across the street are in the process of moving, so atleast positive changes seem to be happening.

Anyway, the point in the thread was my realization of how fragile life can truly be, and so I just felt the desire to tell the people I care about how I feel about them. I even did the same with my mom and her boyfriend this morning, and I think that's something everyone should do from time to time. You just never know if you'll have that chance tomorrow.

[Ireneparalegal]

Hope you are more careful Brad...not seeing you on the board is like a day without sunshine. Your friendship and your deep sincere attitude towards your friends shows immensely, even on a board. Your PM's and emails are very thought provoking and a nice thing to receive.
BE CAREFUL AND GOD BLESS.

[Brad Russ]

Originally Posted by Blair's Number #1 Fan

Yeah, me too. If I were to die now I don't think that I would be leaving a whole lot behind.

That's the thing though. When people are alive, they often think that, but oftentimes when they die, it's apparant how untrue that is. My mom had a guy from her nursing home that nobody there really cared for. He kept to himself, and didn't seem very friendly at all. When he ended up dying, they had a service for him. They weren't expecting much from it, but the turn out for it was absolutely incredible, and amazed everyone!! It ended up being one of the biggest turn outs they ever had at her work for a memorial service. The things that many of the workers and fellow residents found out about this guy, and the amount of people he had touched, and the amazing things he had done for so many people throughout the course of his life, absolutely shocked, and inspired everyone, and had most of the workers in tears.

Just based on all the people here at S.O. who seem to really care for you, I can pretty much guarantee you that you'd be leaving alot behind. If this many people care for you here, then I can only imagine how many people care for you out in the real world. I don't know you too well, and this is just my opinion, but I have a feeling you'd be leaving behind alot more than you think Mike!!

[Brad Russ]

Originally Posted by Hollywood Rock Chic

No, Brad, I have my angels looking after your butt; you are one of the dearest human beings I have ever met; you are definitely one in a million, my friend!
I say a prayer everytime I start to drive my car, I have seen a lot of people killed on the freeway, terrible crashes, here in LA and while I was growing up in San Diego. I also had a brother, whom died young, and my mom being sick, has made me truly value life more; though, I do worry about death ( it is only human to have such fears). I try, to live life to the fullest, and enjoy the blessings that God has given me

Thanks so much for the kind words Tara, you know they mean the world to me. I pray for you, as well as a number of my friends including Janice, TripperFan, Irene, Jen, Brian Damage, and others, often as well. You're absolutely right, prayers are powerful, and they definitely aleviate our fears. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother!! I never knew that. And I know this has been a tough year for you with your mom being sick, and I'm so happy she's doing better now. I know you, her, and your dad will have a beautiful Christmas Day together!! Please give them both a hug for me. They deserve one for raising such a great daughter!!!

Originally Posted by Ireneparalegal

Hope you are more careful Brad...not seeing you on the board is like a day without sunshine. Your friendship and your deep sincere attitude towards your friends shows immensely, even on a board. Your PM's and emails are very thought provoking and a nice thing to receive.
BE CAREFUL AND GOD BLESS.

Awww, thank you sooo much Irene. And let me just tell you, not seeing you on the boards would have that same affect on me. Even when you take a two day break or something, things just don't seem right around here to me. And I think most everyone here can vouch for that!! Like I said, I have definitely been more careful then I had been in years past, and I will continue to be even more careful in the future. Now that my life is so good, I see that I have so much to live for. Before I use to go out to the worst neighborhoods at 3:00 am, hoping to get killed, but now I always pray before I go to bed that God will give me one more day to live. What a difference a couple years makes. But I promise you Irene, I will definitely be more careful!!! Thanks for your concern, and kindness!!