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12-14-2006, 10:15 AM
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#1 |
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Butter Pie
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2001
Location: Beneath the blue suburban skies
Posts: 51,262
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Church Bulletins
 CHURCH BULLETINS They're back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ----------------------------------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ----------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. ----------------------------------------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. ----------------------------------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ------------------------------------------------------------ For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ----------------------------------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ----------------------------------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." ----------------------------------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days! ----------------------------------------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ---------------------------------------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. ----------------------------------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ----------------------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children . ----------------------------------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. ----------------------------------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ------------------------------------------------- --------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ----------------------------------------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ----------------------------------------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ------------------------------------------------------------ Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. ------------------------------------------------------------ The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ---------------------------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------------------------------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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Vulgarity is no substitute for wit- Lady Violet Crawley |
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12-14-2006, 12:04 PM
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#2 |
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Football Chick
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Join Date: Mar 15, 2002
Location: At the Shamrock doing shots with Mo
Posts: 8,260
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 Those are great. I love church humor.
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 8/26/05 Jessica & Anthony |
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12-14-2006, 05:31 PM
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#3 |
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Butter Pie
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Join Date: Jul 03, 2001
Location: Beneath the blue suburban skies
Posts: 51,262
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This is my favorite
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance. |
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12-14-2006, 05:38 PM
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#4 |
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MAN VS SAMMICH.
Forum Star
Join Date: Mar 23, 2005
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 16,413
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Whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life's complexion The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye I gotta fly once, I gotta try once, Only can die once, right, sir? Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see, I gotta have my bite, sir. Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade |
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12-14-2006, 05:58 PM
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#5 |
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Cool cool cool
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Join Date: Apr 23, 2004
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 71,478
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"I know the difference between TV and reality, Jeff. TV has structure, it makes sense, there are likable leading men. In real life, we have this. We have you." - Abed Nadir, Community www.sitcomsarestupid.blogspot.com |
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12-14-2006, 06:09 PM
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#6 |
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My favorite ladies!
Forum 4000 Club Member
Join Date: Mar 09, 2001
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4,103
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By far the best topic I've read in a long time! My favorite bulletin was:
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. |
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THE GOLDEN GIRLS! Sophia: (to Blanche) Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppie. This ain't gunna be no cakewalk. Blanche: I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men. Dorothy: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you? Blanche: There must be homosexuals who date women. Sophia: Yeah, they're called lesbians. JACOB |
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12-14-2006, 08:50 PM
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#7 |
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*******
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 28, 2004
Posts: 2,304
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Those are cute. 
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12-14-2006, 10:00 PM
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#8 |
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Member
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Join Date: Feb 19, 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 69,525
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Everything is fine. |
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12-14-2006, 11:36 PM
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#9 |
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Keep Austin WEIRD
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 17, 2003
Location: Hook 'em Horns
Posts: 1,606
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This might be my new signature:
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. |
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12-14-2006, 11:46 PM
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#10 |
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Member
Forum 3000 Club Member
Join Date: Apr 07, 2006
Location: California
Posts: 3,180
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
These are great! |
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"The true meaning of America, you ask? It's in a Texas rodeo, in a policeman's badge, in the sound of laughing children, in a political rally, in a newspaper...In all these things and many more, you'll find freedom. And freedom is what America means to the world. And to me." --Audie Leon Murphy June 20, 1924-- May 28, 1971  |
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