Barbie's Christmas List- (READ it's funny!) - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

Kay Scarpetta · 12-03-2001, 10:44 PM

You MUST read this it's so funny!

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller
are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD
imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with
that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and
a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

[This message has been edited by Lisa Whelchel Forever (edited 12-03-2001).]

Chocoholic · 12-03-2001, 10:48 PM

LOL! That's a good one

------------------
Kristen

Homer Simpson: "It takes two to lie, Marge! One to lie and one to listen!"

Antonio (Wings) "Oh, forgive me! I thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech!"

Robert (Everybody Loves Raymond): "It's always about you, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, everybody loves Raymond!"

Ags2000 · 12-03-2001, 10:51 PM

I am just in a funny Christmas mood, so I am going to post some Christmas funnies

D

Ken's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My
decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit
Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

Chocoholic · 12-03-2001, 10:54 PM

Oh man, that is sooo funny!!!

------------------
Kristen

Homer Simpson: "It takes two to lie, Marge! One to lie and one to listen!"

Antonio (Wings) "Oh, forgive me! I thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech!"

Robert (Everybody Loves Raymond): "It's always about you, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, everybody loves Raymond!"

-*Forever*- · 12-03-2001, 10:54 PM

LOL you guys are too funny, where'd y'all get those?

------------------
¤°¤°Debra Barone°¤°***¤
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jo, only twice in my life have I spoken in an arbitrary manner. Once when my ex-husband mortgaged out house to pay the bookees and now. GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!!!"~Mrs. Garrett, FOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I believe VERY strongly that Debra Barone and Robert Barone belong together. If they got married, she would be Debra Barone Barone. Saves on monograms.(LOLZIES LIKE ON FOL!!!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. G: I thought her boyfriend was Robert.
Blair: He is.
Mrs. G.: Where is he?
Tootie: Upstairs.
Mrs. G: Well, who's that?
Blair: Harper.
Mrs. G.: Who's he?
Blair and Tootie: Her boyfriend.
Mrs. G.: Of course. How silly of me. Got it.
*she slaps herself*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I was 16, I had a bad case of acne and I played the accordian in the marching band."~Dorothy Zbornac, The Golden Girls
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey allison DON'T CALL ME PERVERT!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smooches! ^_^

Ags2000 · 12-03-2001, 10:54 PM

oops. Sorry didn't mean to post that twice. My computer spazzed and did that.

D

[This message has been edited by Ags2000 (edited 12-03-2001).]

Kay Scarpetta · 12-03-2001, 10:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Patricia Heaton Forever:
LOL you guys are too funny, where'd y'all get those?

We made them up. No no j/k, lol D (Ags2000) got them from a site. Funny stories, eh?

------------------
°·.*¤*-Blair Warner-*¤*.·°

I lerb Lisa Whelchel! LERB is me and Morganne's word lol.

Blair: Well, you don't see me getting all upset when people tell me how gorgeous I am!

Watch out for the Scary Pie man Dana he is gonna come get you!

Bootsy Whoosh · 12-03-2001, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ags2000:
In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit
Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. Bendable
knees would also be helpful for me in other situations

oooooh....naughty naughty naughty!

Those were great, but the Ken one is hilarious!

Penny Lane · 12-04-2001, 01:13 PM

------------------
Cupcake

folfan01 · 12-04-2001, 07:47 PM

------------------
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
§°*¤*°<$arah Joanne Polniaczek>°*¤*°§
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
Gal: Hi. What's your name?
Kevin: Kevin. Kevin Arnold.
Gal: Hi Kevin Kevin Arnold!

(after steph drove joey's car in the kitchen)
Joey: AHHHHHHH! Is this my punishment for not refilling the ice tray?!
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~

{WAAAASSSSSSSUUUPP!!!!)
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~
See ya! *leaves*

Ags2000 · 12-04-2001, 08:00 PM

*stepping forward and taking a bow* Thank you, thank you.

I will try to post some more tonight if I ever get home. I am still up at campus tonight. I am doing some corrections on my resume that has to be turned in TONIGHT. (yipes) Anyway, when I finally get home, I'll get some more stories and post them.

D

Montana Ponine · 12-04-2001, 08:10 PM

Ags and Karli, that was too funny!!!

!!! I loved it!!

Beruche · 12-04-2001, 08:28 PM

Ags2000 · 12-04-2001, 08:43 PM

Well, since I am now waiting on a friend of mine to show up and rip my resume to shreds (

) I decided to post some more Christmas funnies. This is one of my favorites.

D

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough?

Affectionately,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

Love,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:

When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:

What's with you and those ****ing birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird **** all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those ****ing birds!

Sincerely,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's **** all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.

Just lay off me, smartass!

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
Hey ****head:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me!

You'll get yours!

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of ****. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm siccing the police on you.

One who means it!!

---------------------------------------------

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen ****head:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

---------------------------------------------

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender & Cajole

Ags2000 · 12-04-2001, 08:48 PM

Here is one of My personal favorite recipes t Christmas.

WARNING!!! Kids DO NOT try this at home. This is a joke, and ONLY a joke!

D

CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

12-03-2001, 10:44 PM	#1
Kay Scarpetta Defy Gravity 8.26.05 Forum Superstar Join Date: Jul 04, 2001 Location: La Vie Boheme Posts: 28,013	Barbie's Christmas List- (READ it's funny!) You MUST read this it's so funny! Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct. 4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done. 6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec. 8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum. 9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl. 10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple. Yours truly, Barbie [This message has been edited by Lisa Whelchel Forever (edited 12-03-2001).]

12-03-2001, 10:48 PM	#2
Chocoholic Member Forum Star Join Date: Dec 01, 2000 Location: Between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 11,235	LOL! That's a good one ------------------ Kristen Homer Simpson: "It takes two to lie, Marge! One to lie and one to listen!" Antonio (Wings) "Oh, forgive me! I thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech!" Robert (Everybody Loves Raymond): "It's always about you, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, everybody loves Raymond!"

12-03-2001, 10:51 PM	#3
Ags2000 Red 2/13/90 -1/5/06 Forum Veteran Join Date: May 02, 2001 Location: Candyland Posts: 5,544	I am just in a funny Christmas mood, so I am going to post some Christmas funnies D Ken's Letter To Santa Dear Santa, I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires. First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length. My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before. In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken

12-03-2001, 10:54 PM	#4
Chocoholic Member Forum Star Join Date: Dec 01, 2000 Location: Between a rock and a hard place. Posts: 11,235	Oh man, that is sooo funny!!! ------------------ Kristen Homer Simpson: "It takes two to lie, Marge! One to lie and one to listen!" Antonio (Wings) "Oh, forgive me! I thought we could use a break from your 'All the good men are married or gay' speech!" Robert (Everybody Loves Raymond): "It's always about you, Raymond. Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, everybody loves Raymond!"

12-03-2001, 10:54 PM	#5
-Forever- <3333333333333333333 Forum Superstar Join Date: Nov 22, 2001 Location: Manlius, NY in reality. Deerfield Beach, FL in my heart. Posts: 28,001	LOL you guys are too funny, where'd y'all get those? ------------------ ¤°¤°Debra Barone°¤°**¤ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Jo, only twice in my life have I spoken in an arbitrary manner. Once when my ex-husband mortgaged out house to pay the bookees and now. GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE BEFORE I BEAT YOU WITH MY FRYING PAN!!!"~Mrs. Garrett, FOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I believe VERY strongly that Debra Barone and Robert Barone belong together. If they got married, she would be Debra Barone Barone. Saves on monograms.(LOLZIES LIKE ON FOL!!!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mrs. G: I thought her boyfriend was Robert. Blair: He is. Mrs. G.: Where is he? Tootie: Upstairs. Mrs. G: Well, who's that? Blair: Harper. Mrs. G.: Who's he? Blair and Tootie: Her boyfriend. Mrs. G.: Of course. How silly of me. Got it. she slaps herself* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I was 16, I had a bad case of acne and I played the accordian in the marching band."~Dorothy Zbornac, The Golden Girls ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ hey allison DON'T CALL ME PERVERT!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Smooches! ^_^

12-04-2001, 01:13 PM	#9
Penny Lane Butter Pie Forum Icon Join Date: Jul 03, 2001 Location: Beneath the blue suburban skies Posts: 51,261	------------------ Cupcake

12-04-2001, 07:47 PM	#10
folfan01 ¤Goddess¤ Forum Regular Join Date: Jul 24, 2001 Location: U§A Posts: 597	------------------ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *§°¤°<$arah Joanne Polniaczek>°¤°§* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gal: Hi. What's your name? Kevin: Kevin. Kevin Arnold. Gal: Hi Kevin Kevin Arnold! (after steph drove joey's car in the kitchen) Joey: AHHHHHHH! Is this my punishment for not refilling the ice tray?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {WAAAASSSSSSSUUUPP!!!!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ See ya! leaves

12-04-2001, 08:00 PM	#11
Ags2000 Red 2/13/90 -1/5/06 Forum Veteran Join Date: May 02, 2001 Location: Candyland Posts: 5,544	stepping forward and taking a bow Thank you, thank you. I will try to post some more tonight if I ever get home. I am still up at campus tonight. I am doing some corrections on my resume that has to be turned in TONIGHT. (yipes) Anyway, when I finally get home, I'll get some more stories and post them. D

12-04-2001, 08:10 PM	#12
Montana Ponine Tragically Beautiful Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 18, 2001 Location: Sondheimville Posts: 4,529	Ags and Karli, that was too funny!!! !!! I loved it!!

12-04-2001, 08:28 PM	#13
Beruche Chicago Senior Member Join Date: Aug 27, 2001 Location: In anti land singing the lala song Posts: 2,613

12-04-2001, 08:43 PM	#14
Ags2000 Red 2/13/90 -1/5/06 Forum Veteran Join Date: May 02, 2001 Location: Candyland Posts: 5,544	Well, since I am now waiting on a friend of mine to show up and rip my resume to shreds ( ) I decided to post some more Christmas funnies. This is one of my favorites. D Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 14 Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 15 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 16 Dearest John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - Three French Hens! They are just delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 17 Dearest John: Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now really, you're being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that enough is enough? Affectionately, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 18 Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings - one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. Love, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 19 Dear John: When I opened the door, there were actually Six Geese-A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 20 John: What's with you and those **ing birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming! What kind of a goddamn joke is this? There's bird all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those ing birds! Sincerely, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 21 OK Buster! I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and maids a milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass! Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 22 Hey head: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are nine Pipers Piping! And Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me! You'll get yours! Agnes --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 23 You Rotten Prick! Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. The cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of . The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you. One who means it!! --------------------------------------------- Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Avenue Beaver Meadow, Col. December 24 Listen **head: What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows! All 23 birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you vicious, rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes --------------------------------------------- Law Offices Badger, Bender & Cajole 303 Knave Street Chicago, Ill. December 25 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of the Twelve Drummers Drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future cor-respondence should be sent to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot on sight! With this letter you will find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender & Cajole

12-04-2001, 08:48 PM	#15
Ags2000 Red 2/13/90 -1/5/06 Forum Veteran Join Date: May 02, 2001 Location: Candyland Posts: 5,544	Here is one of My personal favorite recipes t Christmas. WARNING!!! Kids DO NOT try this at home. This is a joke, and ONLY a joke! D CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE You'll need the following: 1 cup of water 1 cup of sugar 4 large brown eggs 2 cups of dried fruit 1 teaspoon of salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice Nuts 1 bottle of whisky Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.