Church Bulletins...

[T-Greg]

Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with
typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services:

Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Ø The Fasting &Prayer Conference includes meals.

Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight "Searching for Jesus."

Ø Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”

[Beavis]

Oh My! sent to Printer for the office... Woohoo! Hahaha I picture Dana Carvey and a caravan of church ladies ala Mama's Family, Thelma Harper, Roberta Meechum, and Iola Boilin, Rozelle Helplander...