How to befriend someone during a vulnerable time? - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

swedeace · 07-17-2006, 10:20 PM

I need some advice on something I don't want to "screw up" before anything goes further.

I started talking with a guy I know through someone else, and I would like to become his friend. I would like to get to know him more. He sounds interesting, and he has some of the same interests I do (and vice-versa with me).

He is going through a rough time with a separation with his wife at the moment who fell in love with someone else. And he has two young kids to think about as well. I don't wanna screw this up. I know, that's irrational thinking and too much stress on me, but I want to learn how to relax a bit and let things flow more. I have a tendency to act clingy, and I don't want to scare off a potential "new friend" either.

How can I "be there for him" and "show him I want to be his friend" without sounding clingy, pushy, etc? I also don't want to give the impression I am placing any "moves" on him either at this vulnerable time in his life, yet I don't want him to forget about me. He told me a couple of times he "hopes to hear back" from me. How sincere.

As I mentioned, I know about him through someone else, so he is not a complete stranger to me. But any ideas or suggestions? Anyone in the same situation? Please do share. I am curious to read about them. Thanks.

Kazza · 07-17-2006, 11:21 PM

You should take a few things into consideration:
Are you willing to be his shoulder to cry?
Are you willing to put up with his baggage from the past relationship?
Is he just looking for someone to play second fiddle?
Is there a chance he's going to go back to his wife?

I read somewhere that when someone we know especially a 'friend'; we can't approach them as the 'come to me with all your problems' figure. I would wait for him to clear the situation with his wife first and every now and then say Hi or whatever but nothing more. If you have known him for a while now; it's more than likely he'll stay a friend anyways.

Courtnee · 07-18-2006, 12:01 AM

Just be there for him. Does he live close by you? If he does, maybe you could bake him a cake for him and his kids. or pie, everyone loves pie.

Or maybe you could just write him a letter telling him how you feel. That's how I make most of my friends. If there's someone who seems rad to me, I tell them "hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?" most of the time they say yes.

GOOD LUCK!

Kazza · 07-18-2006, 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock Princess

Just be there for him. Does he live close by you? If he does, maybe you could bake him a cake for him and his kids. or pie, everyone loves pie.

Or maybe you could just write him a letter telling him how you feel. That's how I make most of my friends. If there's someone who seems rad to me, I tell them "hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?" most of the time they say yes.

GOOD LUCK!

She's not trying to make a friend; he's already one.
She also needs to think if she can get along with his children and how do they see her. You don't want to be a second mom to them or give them a wrong impression.
Writing a letter will make open and vulnerable to him; she needs to keep a distance because the guy (according to her) is still married.

Courtnee · 07-18-2006, 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kazza

She's not trying to make a friend; he's already one.
She also needs to think if she can get along with his children and how do they see her. You don't want to be a second mom to them or give them a wrong impression.
Writing a letter will make open and vulnerable to him; she needs to keep a distance because the guy (according to her) is still married.

I'm sorry, I thought I was replying to swedeace.

Kazza · 07-18-2006, 12:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rock Princess

I'm sorry, I thought I was replying to swedeace.

Yes and I was just adding my 2 cents to your reply.

Courtnee · 07-18-2006, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kazza

Yes and I was just adding my 2 cents to your reply.

mmk then.

Sharop · 07-18-2006, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kazza

She's not trying to make a friend; he's already one.

I interpreted the post in another way. I think swedeace is trying to get this guy as a friend.

I interpreted her post to mean that she knows this guy, but that he's not an actual friend of hers yet - that the two of them are more like acquaintances that get on well. And swedeace would like this guy to become her friend, rather than just be an acquaintance.

Unfortuntely, I'm in a similar situation to swedeace, so I'm not really sure what advice I can offer. There's a guy I want to have as a friend, too, but we don't know each other OVERLY well - and I can't figure out how I can get to be friends with this guy without seeming clingy and weird and freaky.

Swedeace, this guy sounds he might be interested in becoming friends with you, so maybe you could start out with some small socialising - going out to coffee, or something. Or maybe, if he has an email address, you could talk by email and get to know each other a bit more, and then arrange to socialise together.

Kazza · 07-18-2006, 11:33 AM

Ya'll are not seeing something here; the guy is still married. It's best for her to keep a low profile until his situation is cleared up.
What about if she starts getting closer to him and out of nowhere he's got a mid-life crisis and goes back to his wife?

Sharop · 07-18-2006, 01:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kazza

What about if she starts getting closer to him and out of nowhere he's got a mid-life crisis and goes back to his wife?

But even if he and his wife do get back together, how would that affect his friendship with swedeace? As far as I understand, she's not looking for a romantic relationship with this guy - she just wants him as a friend. I don't see how their friendship would be ruined if the the guy got back together with his wife.

dawsongirl · 07-18-2006, 02:53 PM

Maybe I'm a hussy, but it seems that this guy's wife left him for someone else, so even though they are still legally married, I wouldn't consider him still married. Bitch left him.

I used to be all pushy and clingy and like, if I didn't get a response right away, I'd be sending "Did you get my message?" type replies. But with my boyfriend, I just, don't. I guess because I know if I send him a message and he doesn't reply right away, I know for 100% he's not ignoring me, or playing me. I don't have to be clingy because I feel I don't have a reason to. Security I guess. Unfortunately that's the kind of thing that isn't instantaneous, but the more you get to know this guy, the more you may trust him, and that pushiness just kind of vanishes.

In the meantime, like Karen said, say hi or talk about your day a few times a week, but not everyday. Let him make the talk everyday move.

swedeace · 07-22-2006, 06:09 PM

Thank you all for your insight and your opinions. I appreciate it.

Yes, Sharop hit the nail on the head. I am beginning to know this guy, and we are in our initial stages of contact. We are not friends yet, but I would like to formulate a "how to" get closer to "become his friend."

I haven't heard much from him lately because of all that he's going through. I don't know if he's just been busy with the settlement of the separation (yes, he's going through with it) and with the kids and all or if he has kinda decided to take a step back. I sent an email saying, "Hope you are doing well since I know you are going through a rough time. I am here if you need to talk." That's been a week ago....since last Saturday. I haven't heard from him since. Maybe he is just so busy or taking it easy. I don't know, but I am hoping he will reply back.

So, I would like to have more opinions, if anyone else has anything to contribute.

Sharop · 07-22-2006, 06:14 PM

I'd say, maybe wait for another week or so, and if he hasn't replied by then, maybe you could send him another email. It would probably be best not to seem too forward, but you probably know that already. Have you made it clear to him that you'd like to become friends? If he's aware that you'd like to become closer, then he might be more responsive.

Kazza · 07-22-2006, 09:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sharop

If he's aware that you'd like to become closer, then he might be more responsive.

Or completly back off until he deems ready. Just because she's ready doesn't mean that he is.
Like I said before, give him time and don't have any expectations.
I wouldn't get any closer until his wife is out of the picture and on paper.

Sharop · 07-23-2006, 05:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kazza

Or completly back off until he deems ready. Just because she's ready doesn't mean that he is.

That's true, it could go either way.

Why do you think if would be better to wait until his wife is completely out of the picture? Is it because once it's all over and done with he'll have more time to focus on other things and other people, thus have more time to work on building a friendship?

07-17-2006, 10:20 PM	#1
swedeace Member Forum Fanatic Join Date: Sep 22, 2003 Posts: 9,009	How to befriend someone during a vulnerable time? I need some advice on something I don't want to "screw up" before anything goes further. I started talking with a guy I know through someone else, and I would like to become his friend. I would like to get to know him more. He sounds interesting, and he has some of the same interests I do (and vice-versa with me). He is going through a rough time with a separation with his wife at the moment who fell in love with someone else. And he has two young kids to think about as well. I don't wanna screw this up. I know, that's irrational thinking and too much stress on me, but I want to learn how to relax a bit and let things flow more. I have a tendency to act clingy, and I don't want to scare off a potential "new friend" either. How can I "be there for him" and "show him I want to be his friend" without sounding clingy, pushy, etc? I also don't want to give the impression I am placing any "moves" on him either at this vulnerable time in his life, yet I don't want him to forget about me. He told me a couple of times he "hopes to hear back" from me. How sincere. As I mentioned, I know about him through someone else, so he is not a complete stranger to me. But any ideas or suggestions? Anyone in the same situation? Please do share. I am curious to read about them. Thanks.

07-18-2006, 12:01 AM	#3
Courtnee MAN VS SAMMICH. Forum Star Join Date: Mar 23, 2005 Location: Louisiana Posts: 16,413	Just be there for him. Does he live close by you? If he does, maybe you could bake him a cake for him and his kids. or pie, everyone loves pie. Or maybe you could just write him a letter telling him how you feel. That's how I make most of my friends. If there's someone who seems rad to me, I tell them "hey you seem cool, wanna hang out?" most of the time they say yes. GOOD LUCK!
	__________________ Whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection A freckle on the nose of life's complexion The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye I gotta fly once, I gotta try once, Only can die once, right, sir? Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see, I gotta have my bite, sir. Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer" I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade

07-17-2006, 11:21 PM	#2
Kazza Member Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 17, 2003 Posts: 3,244	You should take a few things into consideration: Are you willing to be his shoulder to cry? Are you willing to put up with his baggage from the past relationship? Is he just looking for someone to play second fiddle? Is there a chance he's going to go back to his wife? I read somewhere that when someone we know especially a 'friend'; we can't approach them as the 'come to me with all your problems' figure. I would wait for him to clear the situation with his wife first and every now and then say Hi or whatever but nothing more. If you have known him for a while now; it's more than likely he'll stay a friend anyways.

07-18-2006, 11:33 AM	#9
Kazza Member Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 17, 2003 Posts: 3,244	Ya'll are not seeing something here; the guy is still married. It's best for her to keep a low profile until his situation is cleared up. What about if she starts getting closer to him and out of nowhere he's got a mid-life crisis and goes back to his wife?

07-18-2006, 02:53 PM	#11
dawsongirl Member Forum Icon Join Date: Jan 04, 2001 Posts: 53,140	Maybe I'm a hussy, but it seems that this guy's wife left him for someone else, so even though they are still legally married, I wouldn't consider him still married. Bitch left him. I used to be all pushy and clingy and like, if I didn't get a response right away, I'd be sending "Did you get my message?" type replies. But with my boyfriend, I just, don't. I guess because I know if I send him a message and he doesn't reply right away, I know for 100% he's not ignoring me, or playing me. I don't have to be clingy because I feel I don't have a reason to. Security I guess. Unfortunately that's the kind of thing that isn't instantaneous, but the more you get to know this guy, the more you may trust him, and that pushiness just kind of vanishes. In the meantime, like Karen said, say hi or talk about your day a few times a week, but not everyday. Let him make the talk everyday move.

07-22-2006, 06:09 PM	#12
swedeace Member Forum Fanatic Join Date: Sep 22, 2003 Posts: 9,009	Thank you all for your insight and your opinions. I appreciate it. Yes, Sharop hit the nail on the head. I am beginning to know this guy, and we are in our initial stages of contact. We are not friends yet, but I would like to formulate a "how to" get closer to "become his friend." I haven't heard much from him lately because of all that he's going through. I don't know if he's just been busy with the settlement of the separation (yes, he's going through with it) and with the kids and all or if he has kinda decided to take a step back. I sent an email saying, "Hope you are doing well since I know you are going through a rough time. I am here if you need to talk." That's been a week ago....since last Saturday. I haven't heard from him since. Maybe he is just so busy or taking it easy. I don't know, but I am hoping he will reply back. So, I would like to have more opinions, if anyone else has anything to contribute.

07-22-2006, 06:14 PM	#13
Sharop Andy Gibb aged 12 Forum 3000 Club Member Join Date: Dec 03, 2004 Location: Courthouse Square, Hill Valley, beside the clocktower, 10:04 p.m., November 12th 1955 Posts: 3,912	I'd say, maybe wait for another week or so, and if he hasn't replied by then, maybe you could send him another email. It would probably be best not to seem too forward, but you probably know that already. Have you made it clear to him that you'd like to become friends? If he's aware that you'd like to become closer, then he might be more responsive.