Make me laugh.

[KristinHerreraFan]

I guess you can consider this a contest, I'm in a bad mood and need to be cheered up.

Whoever can make me laugh the hardest gets a free item on my trade list.

I'm up for some ROTFLMFAO!

[Peanutbutter]

Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in
love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so BRUCE goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well,
Bruce, you are only 10, where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."
Again, Bruce! instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that
should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well,
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have
little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Mr. Smith doesn't think the little **** is adorable anymore.

[Dragonbear]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl? shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.? "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[KristinHerreraFan]

Originally Posted by Dragonbear

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl? shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.? "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

omfg lmfao!!!

Come on yall! This contest closes in a few days.

[darkmanj26104]

A man and his son walk by a condom display inside a drugstore. The boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
"Those are condoms, son. Its how men have safe sex."
The boy asks, "Why are there three?"
"Those are for high school boys," his dad says. "One for friday, saturday and sunday."
"Who are the six packs for?" the boy asks.
"College men, the dad explains. "Two for friday, two for saturday and two for sunday."
"WOW" says the boy.
He grabs a 12-pack. "And these?"
The dad sighs and answers, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for febuary, one for March..."

I personally got a kick out of it. If anything I hope it cheers you up. Later.

[Corona Extra]

I posted a few real experiences of mine under the "Tech Support" thread about half way down the page. I thought they were funny.

[Dragonbear]

f you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have
you laughing out LOUD! This is a true story passed along by a friend of
mine.

Overview:

I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.......Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "I thought we didn't want them to reproduce" I
accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.
(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of
birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was
being snotty here, too. don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much
struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a
scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I
suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact,
that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a
young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male
species, they um....um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying,
Mr.Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just...Excited," my wife
offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.

Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even
laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing
you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything
was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done! , Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's pecker.......Priceless!!!

[Peanutbutter]

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years
ago,

We had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10
inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year
old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make
sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap
car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

[T-Greg]

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care!

[loren]

beavis glued raisans on his g i joe action figures, becasue he wanted his soldiers to have nads

[MsOrange]

the other day I told jonathan "gracias" to something he said, and he tunred around and said "HEY! I don't have a grassy-ass!".

I found it quite amusing.

[savageamusement]

Okay Ill try......


Lamont has agreed to give up trading, he says collecting Tv shows bores him now, and he is going to go into landscaping
....... ............ ........... ...............


Do I win? Huh Huh?

OKay, here an old fashioned way to make you smile........
I'll just say Pweeeeease

[digitalmonkey]

Some people will look anywhere for that elusive episode.

[Peanutbutter]

Divers bad day



Next time you have a bad day at work... think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He

performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an email he

sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a

"worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.



Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day



at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought

I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the
water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel
powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of **** sucks the water
out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it
down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.


Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take
the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well
until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually
grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless
to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my
brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of
laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub t on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out,

but I couldn't **** for 2 days because my ******* was swollen shut. So, next time your having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

[Lex Luthor]

CHILI CONTEST These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named MONTY, who was visiting Texas from North Carolina...

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off.

Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there when the call came in and was assured by the other two Judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event."

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
MONTY: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
MONTY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
MONTY: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
MONTY: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb b*** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
MONTY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. An aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
MONTY: My intestine's are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: ?Ho hum?, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
MONTY: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided too stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending... this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
MONTY: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)