Should I be partially responsible for this? (Long Rant)

[Mijada]

My husband has a niece Amanda who's 13 and comes to visit a lot. I've had a few teeny problems with her in the past but overall she's a great kid and I've become very fond of her. She really helps out with the baby and is so excited about the next one. We've been talking a lot lately and practically since the beginning of the school year she's been complaining to me about this group of kids picking on her at school and on the bus. She says they push her, call her names, make sexual comments to her, make fun of her because she doesn't have a boyfriend etc. I sympathize with her because I was also picked on at that age. Her parents both work anywhere from 50 to 60 hrs a week and don't really want to hear about it when she complains to them. They kept telling her to "Ignore it and they will stop" which is the worst advice you can give to a child IMO. Anyways, the kids continued to bother her and she was afraid to tell the teachers/counselors for fear of being called a tattletale or that the kids would just torment her worse. I always told her to fight back. If someone is picking on you you have every right to defend yourself. I want my niece to grow up having confidence in herself, not to be a wuss who gives in to bullies. So finally a few days before school let out for the summer Mandy had had enough, took my advice and popped one of the girls in the mouth. Mandy hit her pretty hard and the girls braces ended up cutting the inside of her lips and she required several stitches. This girls parents want my sister in law and her husband to pay the doctor bills and they agreed. Now my sister in law is blaming me and wants Tom to fork over a couple hundred bucks to help pay these bills. I told Tom not to give them anything. As far as I'm concerned that girl got what she deserved. I also had it out with my sister in law over the phone. She was going on and on calling me a bad influence on her daughter and I told her maybe if you and Tony (her husband) were around more often and took these complaints more seriously this issue could have been resolved sooner. My sister in law could have taken a day off work and went down to the school and informed them of what was going on but she didn't. Even Mandy's older brother Andrew agrees with me and doesn't think any of us should have to pay anything. So now neither Tom or I are even talking to his sister, Andrew is staying with us and Mandy is not allowed to come over until we pay up. I'm still very new at this parenting thing and am not sure now if I gave Mandy the right advice or not. (I haven't told anyone this but secretly I am very proud of her for standing up to 4 or 5 kids on her own) Tom tried telling his sister that if Mandy had continued to ignore these kids they would have kept picking on her and she would have been the one who ended up getting hurt but she just didn't want to listen. I don't want Tom to fall out with his sister but I'm not sure what else to do at this point and I'm feeling terribly guilty. I'm really afraid that these family problems could have an effect on my marriage and I don't want that at all. Was I wrong to tell Mandy to fight back? Should I have just stayed out of it and let that situation continue? I'm at a loss............

[Ireneparalegal]

Wow. I can see as a parent wanting to have your kids learn to to defend themselves and so forth. That was great advice (back in the dayz); when I was growing up that's pretty much how it was hit or get hit.

However, we now live in a different society that is ready to press charges, lawsuit happy, etc. I have a teen daughter who got mad at someone who was harassing her at school. She finally did "the right thing"...smacked her good. The girl never bothered her again. GREAT? maybe, but the cops didn't think so...she was charged with assault. I told my daughter I was proud that she defended herself, however, I had to teach her that nowadays one cannot lay a hand on anyone. Go to the school authorities, go to the parent(s); go to the people in charge...give the system a chance. My daughter pled guilty and had to be on probation for a year. She had to pay restitution. We had to get a restraining order to make sure this girl knew that although she was in essence "the victim", she in fact had been verbally harassing and threatening my daughter. Thank God for us, the system saw this in our favor and granted the restraining order, much to the chigrin of the parent of the girl.
Bottom line, those kids "pushing her" should have had something done to them. That is assault. The parents of your niece should have pursued something, unfortunately they didn't. It's sad to say, but there are legal consequences and they must be abided by. I hope things work out better among all of you. It was a mistake, one that I am sure you didn't intend to have happen.

[Mr. Television]

Times have changed. I was picked on constantly when I was in school and all the adults ever said to me was kids will be kids. People just don't know what it's like to get picked on everyday. I wish I would have fought back but I was a wimp and I let them keep it up. If this was today I probably would have told them " Go ahead hit me....and then I can go and get my lawyer." Its totally sickening.

[Mijada]

Oh Gosh. Sorry to hear about your daughters situation Irene. I hope my situation doesn't come to that. As far as I know that girls parents haven't filed a report or anything. If or when they do I'm sure Tom and i will hear about it. If I felt that it was my place to do so I would have gone to the school myself months ago but I felt like it was her parents responsibility. I still feel that my niece was only defending herself. She didn't go looking for a fight, in fact she did everything she could to avoid these kids and even has witnesses to say she was being picked on. The bottom line is that one of her parents needs to be home more. There is no reason that they both need to be working so much when they have 2 kids. Mandy was spending 90% of her time at my house or home alone. Even her brother has come to resent their parents working so much as he had his share of problems at school as well. If Mandy's parents want to pay those medical bills, fine but those other kids need to be punished too.

[Ireneparalegal]

I know. I know how you are as a mother. Your child (and soon to be another in December WHOO HOO) will sure be blessed to have you as a mother. Your nieces and nephews are very blessed to have you in their lives. It's hard to just sit back and watch. Is it possible that you would be allowed to speak on behalf of your nieces and nephews when the need arises? Such as being a guardian?

[Mijada]

Originally Posted by Ireneparalegal

I know. I know how you are as a mother. Your child (and soon to be another in December WHOO HOO) will sure be blessed to have you as a mother. Your nieces and nephews are very blessed to have you in their lives. It's hard to just sit back and watch. Is it possible that you would be allowed to speak on behalf of your nieces and nephews when the need arises? Such as being a guardian?

I would like to do that for Amanda, (Andrew is 21 so he can do what he wants) If my in laws can get rid of their attitudes. They have the potential to be great parents but they are just so consumed with making a lot of money. They think that having a boat and fancy cars and a cabin up north is more important than being there for their children. Andrew is still in college so I understand that they need the money but if they just gave up some of these luxuries Nancy could afford to stay home and be there when Amanda comes home from school. If they both want to continue working and want someone to step in as guardian Tom or I would be more than happy to do so if they ever start talking to us again.

[Brieannas21]

I think you gave her great advice. A person can only take so much harassment from people. Your sister-in-law should be glade that her daughter stood up for herself. It could have been worse she could have use something else other than her fist.

From personal experience, one you hit a person one good time, that'll be the last time they'll ever have any problems out of anyone. You should just have the satisfaction in knowing that your niece won't have Hell next school year and that she can stand up for herself.

[Ireneparalegal]

Originally Posted by Mijada

I would like to do that for Amanda, (Andrew is 21 so he can do what he wants) If my in laws can get rid of their attitudes. They have the potential to be great parents but they are just so consumed with making a lot of money. They think that having a boat and fancy cars and a cabin up north is more important than being there for their children. Andrew is still in college so I understand that they need the money but if they just gave up some of these luxuries Nancy could afford to stay home and be there when Amanda comes home from school. If they both want to continue working and want someone to step in as guardian Tom or I would be more than happy to do so if they ever start talking to us again.

I hope that for your nieces sake that things return to where you can talk to her parents. I think it would be great to do that. I did that when I divorced. I had my sister be my kids' legal guardian. Just in case. You never know when that can come in handy. One July 4th, my daughter (same daughter) had a seizure at a friends house and my sister was the one who got to the hospital first (I was out of town)...so she was able to sign documents, talk with the doctors, give the ok for what was needed, etc. I am so grateful to my sister for being there. It comes in handy for a lot of other reasons, such as school. Hope you can work things out, that is what is more important. What's done is done and you can't change it. You are the better person and it's obvious you are a caring person.

[dawsongirl]

What is it with these parents who don't seem to want to parent, so someone else picks up their slack (cuz every kid needs someone to talk to)...but then when something happens, it's never their fault?? You were absolutely right in telling your sister-in-law that if she'd parents like she should, maybe your neice wouldn't have had to resort to violence. What's sad is that violence is the only thing that gets thru to some people.

[Courtnee]

You gave her great advice. Pop that bitch in the mouth. I don't understand todays soiety. Why the hell can't she defend herself??? I personally think schools are worried about the wrong thing. In Louisiana, There's a POLICE OFFICER at every school. Seriously. If kids are gonna fight, let them fight and get it over with. They'll stop eventually. Then the problem is over.


See, I should be president. LOL



But on the serious side, You gave Amanda good advice, don't fork over any money. She is responible for her own actions. She didn't have to hit the other girl.


Besides, Amanda is the real vitcim here. Not the other girl.

[Brieannas21]

Originally Posted by Rock Princess

In Louisiana, There's a POLICE OFFICER at every school. Seriously. If kids are gonna fight, let them fight and get it over with. They'll stop eventually. Then the problem is over.

Here in TX also (Well Dallas)

I never had a problem with others until I got into college, and once you hit someone one good time, you'll never have another problem

[mystery_daisy]

I'm sorry the girl got hurt. Wow, i guess she didn't know what hit her and probably did not expect that. Maybe she will leave Mandy alone now, which is the main thing.
As far as talking to the school, ask Mandy what she thinks
and if the parents say it's ok, go for it.
It takes a village to raise a child, and you did the right thing.
As far as helping with the bill, you might consider it. For a hundred or two, it will keep the peace and Mandy will never forget this situation, the fact that you were there for her, and that she stood up for herself, which as a bullied kid, I know was not easy.

[Number 9 Dream]

Yeah, seriously, I am a firm believer in the 'fight back' method. One time this group of girls were harrassing my brothers outside of the mall (apparently they thought all of us were 'staring at them', so they felt threatened and felt the need to start taunting us and even threw a lit cigarette at my brother). Well, as soon as I found out they did that (I didn't find out until my Mom got there to pick us up and my brothers were recounting the story), I hightailed it in to the mall, found the girl who did it, pushed her straight on her ass (she practically FELL in to the tables at the food court ) and started wailing on her with my fists. I don't let anyone bully me or people I care about (especially my brothers). I'm definitely not a girly girl in that sense.

Anyway, back to the situation at hand--you're right. I do think she should've showed that girl who was boss instead of being bullied day in and day out. You said the right thing to her. Besides, it's not YOUR fault the damned braces cut her up. I don't think you have any reason to feel like you're involved in any way...but that's just my opinion.

[Michael [hXc]]

this is what i think. your sister in law shouldn't even be complaining because at least you gave Amanda advice, something she didn't do because she isn't a good parent. and she should also realize that maybe if she and her husband were there for her and could have talked to her about it, Amanda wouldn't have gone to you for advice in the first place. but i think you said the right thing.

if someone is being bullied and they ignore it and don't stand up for themselves, the bullies will think the person is ok with being bullied and doesn't mind. the whole "ignore it when someone's bothering you, it will go away" doesn't work, it does NOT go away. and if someone is picking on someone and the person being picked on fights back, the bullies really need to realize it was their fault to start with and they aren't the victims. when someone picks on someone else, they are digging their own grave.

[Sharop]

I can understand why your niece's parents are annoyed at having to pay the medical bills, but I don't think they should blame you. You were giving your niece some advice and trying to help her. I don't think you should feel guilty for that.

Here's what I think is fair: I think that it would be fair for your niece's parents to cover some of the costs - say, a third, or maybe a half - because your niece may have hit the girl a bit harder than was needed. However, I think the rest of the money should be taken out of the girl's allowance (if she gets allowance) or out of whatever other money she may have, because it's just as much her fault as your niece's that this happened; in fact, it's really more her fault, as she seems to have been picking on your niece for some time. So while I think it would be reasonable for your in-laws to cover a percentage of the cost, I think it would be unfair to ask them to cover all of it - the girl should be made to pay for some, somehow.