definitions

[lilhave]

Strange Word Definitions

Let's delve into the wonders of our language with a few reminders
that even everyday words and expressions can be a source of amusement—
with the proper twist, of course.


Abdicate: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Account: A countess' husband.

Accrue: The people who run a ship.

Acoustic: A stick used to play pool.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now
growing in the middle.

Amnesia: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again.

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,
and you're buying again.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Asset: A little donkey.


Atheism: A non-prophet organization.


Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.


Baloney: Where some skirt hemlines fall.


Barium: What we do to most people when they die.


Beauty parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.


Benign: What you be after you be eight.


Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.


Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.


Burglarize: What a crook sees with.


Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.


Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.


Classic: A book that people praise, but do not read.



Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.


Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.

College: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to
the telephone.

Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number
present.


Control: A short, ugly inmate.


Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.


Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.


Derange: Where dee buffalo roam.


Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.


Divorce: The future tense of marriage.


Eclipse: What an Italian barber does for a living.


Egotist: Someone me-deep in conversation.


Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.


Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.


Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.


Fancy restaurant: One that serves cold soup on purpose.

Father: A banker provided by nature.


Feedback: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.

Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence: Emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.


Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
damage.


Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.


Grocery list: What you spend half-an-hour writing, then forget to
take with you to the store.


Handkerchief: Cold storage.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.


Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.


Hors d'oeuvres: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.


Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.


Independent: How we want our children to be, as long as they do
everything we say.


Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.


Kissing: A means of getting two people so close together that they
can't see anything wrong with each other.


Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.


Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.


Misty: How some golfers create divots.


Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies more.


Myth: A female moth.

Negligent: Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.

Normalize: 20-20 vision.

Oily: The opposite of late.


Opportunist: A person who, when they fall into a river, starts taking
a bath.


Paradox: Two physicians.


Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.


Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.


Polarize: What penguins see with.


Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections, and your
confidence after.


Polygon: A dead parrot.


Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.


Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.


Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.


Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.


Recliner: Mom's nickname for Dad.


Relief: What trees do in the spring.



Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.


Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.


Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Shortening: One of the important ingredients in a good sermon.

Show-off: A child who is more talented than yours.


Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment
you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.


Subdued: Like, a guy, who like, works on one of those, like,
submarines.


Sudafed: Bringing litigation against a government.


Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.


Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.


Vegetarian: Old Indian word for bad hunter.


Wrinkles: Something other people have. You have character lines.


Yawn: An honest opinion, openly expressed

Harvey