Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares

[lilhave]

Peter Marshall: If the right part comes along, will George C. Scott
do a nude scene?
Paul Lynde: You mean he doesn't have the right part?

Peter Marshall: Will a goose help warn you if there's an intruder on
your property?
Paul Lynde: There's no better way!

Peter Marshall: In "Alice in Wonderland", who kept crying "I'm late,
I'm late?"
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

Peter Marshall: According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been
intimate with in my life has been..." What?
Paul Lynde: Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels,
why?
Paul Lynde: They're so cold!

Peter Marshall: What is a pullet?
Paul Lynde: A little show of affection...

Peter Marshall: In the Middle Ages, Paul, people in convents were not
allowed to eat beans because they believed something about them we
now know isn't true. What?
Paul Lynde: Well, I know they took a vow of silence...

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White...was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure...

Peter Marshall: Promethius was tied to the top of a mountain by the
gods because he had given something to man. What did he give us?
Paul Lynde: I don't know what you got, but I got a sports shirt.

Peter Marshall: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went
someplace on a "good will mission," but instead wound up being stoned
and shouted at. Where did this take place?
Paul Lynde: Pat's room .

Peter Marshall: True or false, cow's horns are used to make ice cream.
Paul Lynde: You mean those weren't chocolate chips?

(I know these next two are already quoted to death but I just
couldn't resist)
Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose"cattle good for that other
cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the
cookies!

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: True or false...research indicates that Columbus
liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It's not easy to sign a crew up for six months...

Peter Marshall: Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?
Paul Lynde: I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much
is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on...

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects
at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false, the navy has trained whales to recover
objects a mile deep.
Paul Lynde: At first they tried unsuccessfully with cocker
spaniels...

Peter Marshall: It used to be called "9-pin." What's it called today?
Paul Lynde: Foreplay!

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag
his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in the early days of Hollywood, who was
usually found atop Tony, the Wonder Horse?
Paul Lynde: My Friend Flicka.

Peter Marshall: During the War of 1812, Captain Oliver Perry made the
famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." What?
Paul Lynde: They are cute.

Peter Marshall: Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah (Shore)'s
in top form. I've never known anyone to be so completely able to
throw herself into a..." A what?
Paul Lynde: A headboard.

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on
the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

Peter Marshall: In one state, you can deduct $5 from a traffic ticket
if you show the officer...what?
Paul Lynde: A ten dollar bill.

Peter Marshall: Experts say you should avoid sex immediately
after...what?
Paul Lynde: Surgery.

Peter Marshall: True or false, each generation of Americans has been
about an inch taller than the previous generation...
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

Peter Marshall: It's well known that small amounts of female hormones
are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the
female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.

Peter Marshall: In the "Wizard of Oz," the lion wanted courage and
the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: Billy Graham recently called it "our great hope in a
confusing and ever-changing world." What is it?
Paul Lynde: Pampers.

Peter Marshall: Paul, how many men are on a hockey team?
Paul Lynde: Oh, about half.

Peter Marshall: What should you do if you're going 55 miles per hour
and your tires suddenly blow out?
Paul Lynde: Honk if you believe in Jesus.

Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and
pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!

Peter Marshall: True or false...a shipment of the Pill was recently
recalled because they were actually sugar pills...
Paul Lynde: Does this mean all of the babies born in November will
have pimples?

(from Kermit Schafer's Blooper collection)
Peter Marshall: You're on a yacht, and you're seasick. According to
Emily Post, should you tell your host?
Paul Lynde: No, let him find out for himself. (laughter) Actually
I've never been on a yacht...I think you should do everything you can
do and of course, tell the host.
Contestant: I agree.
Marshall: Never tell the host...
Lynde: Oh, s***! (bleeped)

Peter Marshall: We've all heard the old phrase "A pig in a poke."
What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It's when you're not really in love.

Peter Marshall: Paul, this is for 12 hundred dollars and the
championship. Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind
her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Now listen carefully..."We work
together, we pray together and we're darn good..." What?
Paul Lynde: In the saddle.

Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a
talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: I read it, "The Joy of Sex."

Peter Marshall: What's that thing to the east of Sweden?
Paul Lynde: Have you seen Anita Ekberg lately?

Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Paul Lynde: As long as that's as far as it goes.

Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you
give birth to?
Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Peter Marshall: What did James Watt invent after fooling around with
his wife's tea kettle?
Paul Lynde: James Watt Jr.

Peter Marshall: The Great White is one of the most feared animals.
What is the Great White?
Paul Lynde: A sheriff in Alabama.

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have
more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: Fred Astaire says, his mother has been trying to get
him to do this since he was 35. But he hasn't done it and says he
won't do it until he's ready. Do what?
Paul Lynde: Move out of the house!

Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a
fairy?
Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren't everything!
(laughter and applause) Well, I guess I would say...I would have to
go with the fairy. (more laughter)

Peter Marshall: Paul, you have a 9 year old son who constantly wets
the bed. What should you do?
Paul Lynde: Get rid of him! (audience laughter)
Charley Weaver: I know what you should do -- you should get him a
waterbed! (camera shot of Charley Weaver enjoying having topped
Lynde)
Paul Lynde (pretending to be annoyed): Put the camera back on me!

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body-
- what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, what's breaking up that
old gang of mine?
Paul Lynde: Anita Byant!

Peter Marshall: Paul, the Rio Grande River seperates Texas and
Mexico. What does "Rio Grande" mean in Spanish?
Paul Lynde: El Washing Machine.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor calls it 'the Big One' , What is it?
Paul Lynde: They both look the same to me!

Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with
her face in the water. Why?
Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

Peter Marshall: Paul, Broderick Crawford says that he is often
mistaken for....
Paul Lynde: A dump truck.

Peter Marshall: A current movie is being described as "the story of a
love that changed the world forever." What movie is it?
Paul Lynde: Oh, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

Peter Marshall: On a recent visit to France, Britain's Queen
Elizabeth was given the opportunity of sleeping in a very famous
person's bed. Whose?
Paul Lynde: Jean Paul Belmondo's.

Peter Marshall: Paul, during a visit to the Moscow State Circus, Pat
Nixon shook hands with something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: The bearded lady, Mrs. Kosygin.

Peter Marshall:Sophia Loren recently revealed that when she was a
child she never played with something. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the L.A.Rams.

Peter Marshall: Lana Turner recently said, "I won't do it because I
haven't stopped living my life by a long shot." What won't she do?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Merv Griffin show.

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul. If you have one it's a
moose. If you have two, it's a....?
Paul Lynde: It's a mess!

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the
bulrushes?
Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.

Peter Marshall: Henry Kissinger was recently quoted as saying,"They
aren't even sexy!" Who was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: The Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Peter Marshall: A photograph of Queen Elizabeth had her stepping onto
the shores of Bangkok, onto a carpet made of what?
Paul Lynde: 40% dacron.

Peter Marshall: Paul. a recent navy picture had Admiral Zumwalt
kissing Admiral Duirk. Why?
Paul Lynde: Too long at sea!

Peter Marshall: According to PhotoPlay magazine, in their courting
days before Frank Sinatra was successful, Nancy used to send him a
glove with something in each finger. What?
Paul Lynde: Soup.

Peter Marshall:Which performing team were the stars of Ed Sullivan's
first TV show?
Paul Lynde: Aretha and Benjamin Franklin.

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game,
according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their
street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshall:Paul, according to the classic movie Frankenstein, Dr.
Frankenstein was supposed to do something important the day the
monster killed him. What?
Paul Lynde: I think a tonsillectomy.

Peter Marshall:If you want to know if a plastic surgeon is really
qualified, who should you check with?
Paul Lynde: Tony Randall.

Peter Marshall:When President Nixon was in Poland recently the Polish
people kept shouting, "Stolat! Stolat! Stolat!" What does "Stolat"
mean?
Paul Lynde: Welcome, President Johnson

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It's his girlfriend

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because
it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What
word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo!"

Peter Marshall: Why do sheep sleep huddled up?
Paul Lynde: Because Little Boy Blue's a weirdo!

Peter Marshall: When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went
to a Geisha House, now how did he spent his time in the Geisha House?
Paul Lynde: Oh, negotiating for "peace!"

Peter Marshall: In the Shakespearean play "King Lear," King Lear had
three of them, Gonoreil, Cordelia and Regen. Who were they?
Paul Lynde (disgustedly): King Lear had Gonoreil!

Peter Marshall: True or False -- are you all right Paul?
Paul Lynde: Just spit it out. (audience laughing)
Peter Marshall: A recent hearing in New Jersey, opponents of
fluorinated water argue that too much fluorine in a persons system
can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex?
Paul Lynde (shouting): HEY CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall: Queen Elizabeth generally swings her umbrella behind
her back, and immediately, something happens. What?
Paul Lynde: Lord Snowden doubles up in pain.

Peter Marshall: Twiggy reportedly added an inch to her bustline while
making (the movie) The Boyfriend. What does that make her bust
measurement now?
Paul Lynde: One.

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American
Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for
prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

Peter Marshall: Oh, Paul, what would we ever do without you?
Paul Lynde: Replace me with Charles Nelson Reilly!

Peter Marshall: What did the Lone Ranger always leave behind when he
left town?
Paul Lynde: A masked baby.

Peter Marshall: If a women becomes pregnant while employed, is she
now entitled to
six weeks maternity leave?
Paul Lynde: Only if the baby resembles the boss.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, studies show that women in their
sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when
they were in their forties...
Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!

Peter Marshall: True or false...there are more psychiatrists in
Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet's backed up, I don't care who fixes it!

Peter Marshall: True or false...NASA officials report that when
Chinese vice-premier Dang visited the astronaut training headquarters
recently, the one big question he demanded to know was...where the
astronauts go to the bathroom?!
Paul Lynde: The answer was over China!

(from the beginning of the 1980-81 Las Vegas season, when Lynde
returned to the show)
Peter Marshall: Okay pick a star...
Contestant: Paul Smith, please?
(Paul breaks up)
Peter Marshall: I'm sorry, who did you say?
Contestant: Paul Smith...
Peter Marshall: Lynde?
Contestant: Paul Lynde!
(audience, stars and Marshall howl with laughter)
Paul Lynde (scowling): Paul Smith! (more laughter) Thanks for the
welcome back!

Peter Marshall: Now listen carefully, Paul...during the time of the
hula hoop, the yo-yo, and Davy Crockett hats, who was in the White
House?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the yo-yo!

Peter Marshall: Paul, according to the World Book Encylopedia, what
is the main reason dogs pant?
Paul Lynde: Because they can't talk dirty!

Peter Marshall: Sophia Loren has written a cookbook which will be
published this spring entitled, "Cooking With ..." Cooking with what?
Paul Lynde: Cooking with a three-foot-long spoon.

Peter Marshall: Fidel Castro recently gave Yugoslavia's Marshall
Tito a gift. What was it?
Paul Lynde: A cheap, hand–painted tie.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Occasionally, a bull moose will
hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is
its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Athens recently they discovered
sketches of the great philosopher Socrates, revealing that he bore a
striking resemblance to Paul Newman?
Paul Lynde: But he walked like Joanne!

Peter Marshall: Paul, in ancient Rome, bakers were required by law
to bake something into each loaf of bread. What?
Paul Lynde: A Christian.

Peter Marshall: The Atlantic Ocean is the major body of water on
Africa's west coast. What major body lies off Africa's east coast?
Paul Lynde: Ex-president Mobutu.

Peter Marshall: Glen Campbell recently stated, "Love to me is
something you ..." Something you what?
Paul Lynde: Purchase.

Peter Marshall: Besides a baton , what did Xavier Cugat always have
in his hand when he lead his orchestra?
Paul Lynde: Oh, arthritis.

Peter Marshall: A woman who is divorced, has a college education,
and is nineteen-years-old is more like to have a certain ailment than
anybody else. What ailment?
Paul Lynde: The heartbreak of psorriasis.

Peter Marshall: Can chewing gum help prevent a child from catching a
cold?
Paul Lynde: No, but I know it'll plug a runny nose.

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false. Nylon is stronger than steel?
Paul Lynde: But steel panties don't turn me on!

Peter Marshall: Who are more likely to be romantically responsive.
Women under thirty or women over thirty?
Paul Lynde: I don't have a third choice…?

Peter Marshall: Where does most of the olive oil in the world come
from?
Paul Lynde: Caesar Romero's comb.

Peter Marshall: A soap opera in Australia called "Number 96" offers
audiences something that no American soap opera has. What?
Paul Lynde: An unfaithful kangaroo.

Peter Marshall: Elizabeth Taylor recently stated, "It wasn't easy."
And hubby Richard Burton added, "But we both sleep much better." They
were both talking about the same thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Separate bedrooms.

Peter Marshall: According to Billy Graham, is immorality contagious?
Paul Lynde: I know he was down with it for about a month.

Peter Marshall: Karen Valentine made her film debut in a film
called "Gidget..." Gidget what?
Paul Lynde: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness.

Peter Marshall: In Greek mythology, what would the god Morpheus do
to you while you were asleep?
Paul Lynde: I don't know, but I got an enchanted hickie.

Peter Marshall: True or false. In Sweden, a person can get an
instant divorce?
Paul Lynde: Yes, from poisoned meatballs.

Peter Marshall: After Phyllis Diller's recent facelift, she received
thousands of letters, mostly asking three questions: did it hurt? How
much did it cost? And one other...what?
Paul Lynde: Do your eyes close when you sit down?

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher recently stated, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry
for them both." Who or what was he referring to?
Paul Lynde: His fans.

Peter Marshall: True or false. Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5million
worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Paul Lynde: And it didn't cure her headache.

Peter Marshall: In the movies, who gave the advice, "whistle while
you work"?
Paul Lynde: It was either Paul Winchell…or Linda Lovelace.

Peter Marshall: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a
frog jumps out of the water and says, "Thy wish shall be
fullfilled." What was the queen's wish?
Paul Lynde: She wanted the frog to talk dirty.

Peter Marshall: You became a mother two months ago. And you've been
feeling a bit depressed lately. According to Cosmopolitan Magazine,
is this normal?
Paul Lynde: I hate these stretch marks!

Peter Marshall: Playboy Magazine recently published a book by
billionaire J. Paul Getty called, "How To ..." How to what?
Paul Lynde: How To Treat Oily Skin.

Peter Marshall: According to Johnny Carson's ex-wife Joanne, after
the divorce, he sent her a copy of a best-selling book. Which one?
Paul Lynde: Shaft!

Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false, the University of Nebraska was
recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!

Peter Marshall: In the movies, Frankenstein's monster was always big
and ugly. And he had lots of scars. What was his biggest fear?
Paul Lynde: That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!

Peter Marshall: Can you get 12 pounds of feathers out of a goose?
Paul Lynde: I got them in there, didn't I?

(This next one is heard on a TV set in the 1979 Peter Sellers movie
Being There)
Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and
there's swimmer's...swimmer's what?
Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, "At night, when you're
asleep, into your tent I'll creep." Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!

Peter Marshall: In television, who lived in Doodyville?
Paul Lynde: Oh, the Ty-De-Bowl Man.

Peter Marshall: When Burt Reynolds saw his pictures
in "Cosmopolitan," he said he had something that reminded him of Roy
Rogers. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Saddle sores...they both spend so much time in the
saddle!

Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your
marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde: If that doesn't work, try Lee Majors!

Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe's The Raven said, "Nevermore." What did
Gilbert and Sullivan's Dickie Bird say?
Paul Lynde: Let's not wallow in Watergate.

Peter Marshall: You've gone from egg, to larvae, to pupae. What's
next?
Paul Lynde: A shave and a shower and off to work!
(laughter, then Lynde grapples with the real answer)
You're a bug! I mean, what's next? You're, you're, what do you
call it when you're out of pupae?
(more laughter)
You've arrived, you've, you've arrived! I mean, you're it! I don't
know what you call it, maybe a cocoon--no, that's like a pupae!
(more laughter)
You're an adult, I mean...you're a big bug!

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

(from a 1979 show featuring current-day pop stars...Chaka Khan has
discussed the baby she just had)
Peter Marshall: Chaka, don't listen to Paul!
Paul Lynde: I just told her she lost a chunka Chaka!

Peter Marshall: To Roy Rogers, what is Cowboy Heaven?
Paul Lynde: Seven minutes with Tammy Wynette!

Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with
men's zippers?
Paul Lynde: Rust.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what do you call a group of germs?
Paul Lynde: A panzer division.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it's called drowning!

Peter Marshall: True or false: according to the White House chefs,
if the President had his way, daily lunch would consist of nothing
more than a sandwich and a beer.
Paul Lynde: Even in public school?

Peter Marshall: Paul, who was famous for saying, "On King, on
huskies"?
Paul Lynde: Queen Mary.

Peter Marshall: According to Motion Picture Magazine, who is Richard
Nixon's favorite actor?
Paul Lynde: Got to be Ronald Reagan.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Dan Rowan hasn't spoken to either his
daughter or Peter Lawford since their marriage?
Paul Marshall: I don't think anyone has seen them except for room
service.

Peter Marshall: Mama Cass Ellott has an official royal title. What
is it?
Paul Lynde: Tubby!

Peter Marshall: The state of New York is repainting something that
will be 90 next may. What are they repainting?
Paul Lynde: It's either Arlene Francis...no...I wish I looked like
she did at 90.

Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to
sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of
the wedding. What did she sell?
Paul Lynde: Her first born.

Peter Marshall: Is Billy Graham considered a good dresser?
Paul Lynde: No, but he's a terrific end table.

Peter Marshall: Under the right circumstances, could a 100 year old
man father a child?
Paul Lynde: With a nurse and maybe a mortician standing by.

Peter Marshall: True or false, Guatemala once declared war on
Germany.
Paul Lynde: Yes, and it's a good thing Germany never found out!

Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness--I can never say that--
lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.

Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with
Japan. What is it?
Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.

Peter Marshall: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
Paul Lynde: In what state? Well, like all of us naked and screaming!

Peter Marshall: Why was Daniel thrown to the den of lions?
Paul Lynde: For jaywalking in Jerusalem.

Peter Marshall: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Legend says that
you'll return if you do something. Do what?
Paul Lynde: I guess have Don Ho's baby.

Peter Marshall: According to Mythology, if a Sphinx asked a man a
question, and the man answered it incorrectly, what woud happen?
Paul Lynde: Circle gets the square.

Peter Marshall: The newest best selling album by this top star is
entitled "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With". Who's the
recording star?
Paul Lynde: Little Baby Rose Marie.
Rose Marie: Oh, shut up!

Peter Marshall: On radio, Margo Lane knew something about young,
handsome, wealthy Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont
Cranston, things that no one else knew. What was it?
Paul Lynde: Lamont Cranston? That his bellybutton was an outsie.
(laughter, then Peter re-reads the question)
Paul: Uh, as I remember he was afraid of heights. (more laughter)
Okay, I'll go for another one, let's see...Lamont Cranston was afraid
of something?
Peter (laughing): No, I didn't say that! I said Margo Lane knew
something about young, handsome Lamont Cranston on radio that no one
else knew. What was it?
Paul: That he was already married! (more laughter)
Peter: Rosalyn, I'll offer you the question, obviously Paul does not
have a very good bluff.
(Correct answer: Lamont Cranston was "The Shadow")

Peter Marshall: Olivia De Havilland once sat on something in a movie
that Roy Rogers says he
grew to love. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A box of Milk Duds.

Peter Marshall: Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire recently announced that
after 30 years, they're
going to do something together one more time. What?
Paul Lynde: Trade hairpieces.

Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled "How To Tell
The Difference Between Love And..." what?
Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, "Things aren't always
as bad as they seem if you..." do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

Peter Marshall: Way up in the frozen north, what was Eric The Red's
famous discovery?
Paul Lynde: Little Boy Blue.

Peter: Do baby elephants nurse?
Paul: That's why you should never go topless on an African beach.

Peter Marshall: President Johnson had a personal butler in the White
House; so did presidents
Kennedy and Nixon. Does President Ford also have a butler?
Paul Lynde: Yes, he doubles as the Secretary Of Agriculture.

Peter Marshall: Richard Burton wants one very much, but Liz is
reported to be afraid to give him one. One what?
Paul Lynde: The Certs breath test.

Peter Marshall: According to Coronet, do most men feel uneasy around
women with really large breasts?
Paul Lynde: Yes, they run for cover.

Peter Marshall: Does Mark Spitz believe swimming in the nude helps
you go faster?
Paul Lynde: Well, it's easy to steer.

Peter Marshall: President Washington once said quote "I would rather
be in my grave than
in..." what?
Paul Lynde: Grant's tomb.

Peter Marshall: The book of Proverbs in the Bible tells us that there
is one thing that remains
firm forever. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A topless Eskimo.

Peter Marshall: Teddy Roosevelt maintained that he had something
removed from two United
States coins purely for the sake of art. What?
Paul Lynde: Oh! The bottom half of the buffalo.

Peter Marshall: Modern science can't really explain why, but if you
go outside at night, stand on your head, and stare at the full moon,
you will notice something unusual. What?
Paul Lynde: Yes, in 8 seconds, rain will fill up your nose.

Peter Marshall: Eddie Fisher says that he hasn't had one in eight
years, but he's looking. For what?
Paul Lynde: Oh, an accompanist who takes Mastercharge.

Peter Marshall: Can we get heat from stars?
Paul Lynde: You will if I have to share my dressing room again! (wild
laughter from audience)
Peter Marshall: Who are you sharing it with now?
Paul Lynde: Big Bird and Oscar.

Peter Marshall: Howard Cosell's wife recently said in an interview
that her husband tells her this at least five times a day. What does
he say to her?
Paul Lynde: Is my toupee back from the cleaners?

Peter Marshall: True or false, Paul...champagne glasses were
designed to resemble Marie Antoinette's bosom?
Paul Lynde: And we have Karen (Valentine) to thank for the shot
glass!

Peter Marshall: According to Compton's Encyclopedia, when Columbus
returned from his famous trip, he brought Queen Isabella six naked
savages, some animals, some plants, and something valuable. What was
it?
Paul Lynde: I'll say the six naked savages.

Peter Marshall: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently told reporters "You
don't know what a relief it is not to worry about having them around
all the time!". What are "they?"
Paul Lynde: Oh, Mom and Dad.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why are forest rangers in remote locations
ordering goats as standard equipment?
Paul Lynde: Because the sheep are wising up?

Peter Marshall: From what animal do you get silk blouses?
Paul Lynde: An animal to you, Peter, but kind and generous to me.

Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea tp put your pantyhose in the
microwave oven for two minutes? Paul Lynde: When your house is
surrounded by the police.

Peter Marshall: You're marrying a man who's been married before.
According to the book "Everyday Ettiquette", is it all right to wear
a veil?
Paul Lynde: No, I'm just gonna wear a baseball cap.

Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to
Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.

Peter Marshall: Is using an electric vibrating machine a good way to
lose weight?
Paul Lynde: That's what I told the saleslady, but she just winked.

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise
Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.

Peter Marshall: You've got a secret. Acording to psychologists, if
you're average, will you probably tell it to a man or to a woman?
Paul Lynde: If I tell it to a man, he might hit me.

Peter Marshall: Has a court ever awarded a woman half a million
dollares because her husband was no longer able to leave her
romantically satisfied?
Paul Lynde: All the jury had to see was Exhibit A.

Peter Marshall: In the United States, what do we call the number one
followed by 12 zeros?
Paul Lynde: Dean Martin And The Golddiggers.

Peter Marshall: True or false, according to the Bible, you are a
sinner?
Paul Lynde: As long as they spelled my name right.

Harvey

[RedWhine56]

Being the Lynde fan that I am, I always enjoy Paul's zingers. One of my favorites:

Peter Marshall: True or false. Sometimes, your ears get a little bigger during sex?
Paul Lynde: Well, then you're doing it wrong.

[T-Greg]

He was a favorite of mine while growing up. When I was young (real young) I thought his gestures and the way he spoke was just an act....then, I learned a few of life's lessons and I realized he acted that way all the time because he was GAY! Here's a favorite:

Peter Marshall: Paul. Do female frogs croak?

Paul Lynde: Only if you hold their little heads under water long enough!

[lilhave]

Tomorrow it's Charley Weaver, of Mt. Ivy, another personal favorite of mine. Same time, same station, so stay tuned.

Harvey, your favorite DJ.

[Lamont]

i was so naive as a kid

i didnt know Paul Lynde was gay until i was in high school!

BUTTTT then again, i only found out last week that Liberace was gay too!!!

what is the world coming to?

Thank god we still have real screen stars from the past like Rock Hudson and Randolph Scott and Cary Grant to idolize!

[RedWhine56]

Well I'm surprised as I thought every one always knew Paul was gay! Lamont, you do know Alan Sues & Charles Nelson Reilly are gay, too, right? Raymond Burr (er, was gay)? Richard Deacon? Cesar Romero? (WHAT a waste!) Rumor has it Agnes Moorehead was gay too. So with Lynde, Dick Sergent & Agnes Moorehead, Bewitched was considered one of the gayest tv shows of the 60's.

[lilhave]

Originally Posted by Lamont

i was so naive as a kid

i didnt know Paul Lynde was gay until i was in high school!

BUTTTT then again, i only found out last week that Liberace was gay too!!!

what is the world coming to?

Thank god we still have real screen stars from the past like Rock Hudson and Randolph Scott and Cary Grant to idolize!

Now I know what that means. When I was a kid and wore my flowery Hawaiian shirt, pink bow around my waist, with my tight torreador pants, and polka dot sandels, and people called me gay, I thought they were saying I was happy. Since then I have switched to a blue bow and avoid all trouble.

Harvey

[RedWhine56]

Originally Posted by Lamont

i was so naive as a kid

i didnt know Paul Lynde was gay until i was in high school!

BUTTTT then again, i only found out last week that Liberace was gay too!!!

what is the world coming to?

Thank god we still have real screen stars from the past like Rock Hudson and Randolph Scott and Cary Grant to idolize!

Don't forget Montgomery Clift, either.

[lilhave]

Originally Posted by RedWhine56

Don't forget Montgomery Clift, either.

J. Edgar Hoover, James Dean, Charles Laughton and, never mind, I don't want to out Lamont.

Harvey

[T-Greg]

Some New Orleanians used to spread a rumor that the King of Bacchus (Mardi Gras) was always gay. I don't know who or why it started, but if you look at past kings, you see that there were a few, but certainly not all. The first 4 were. See link for some real nice pics:

http://www.kreweofbacchus.org/html/paradehistory.htm

[Lamont]

adored Randolph Scott and they were FURIOUS when it came out he was gay

they refused to believe it
no matter what

[T-Greg]

Originally Posted by Lamont

adored Randolph Scott and they were FURIOUS when it came out he was gay

they refused to believe it
no matter what

That's funny! It's like "how dare you come out and say that after all those years we watched you on the silver screen, kissing all those women..and it turns out you're a fraud!"....some people felt the same way about Robert Reed, although the Brady kids all knew his sexual orientation long before the general public did...Florence Henderson knew the first time they had a scene on Brady Bunch where they had to kiss, that Reed had a problem with it.

[lilhave]

Originally Posted by T-Greg

That's funny! It's like "how dare you come out and say that after all those years we watched you on the silver screen, kissing all those women..and it turns out you're a fraud!"....some people felt the same way about Robert Reed, although the Brady kids all knew his sexual orientation long before the general public did...Florence Henderson knew the first time they had a scene on Brady Bunch where they had to kiss, that Reed had a problem with it.

Same thing happened to me. First time I kissed Florence Nightingale she thought I was strange. Betsy Ross thought I was a great kisser.

Harvey the smoocher