Dealing With Death

[80s_Fan]

As we all know; everybody deals with death in a different way.
Some people think that just because a person doesn't cry much and show lots of emotion, etc.... means that the so-called person doesn't care but that's not true. When someone close to us dies; it's hard and painful but somehow we must go on with our lives and not dwell on the past. We can still talk about the person and share stories, etc... but it's useless to say why wasn't this done to save him/her and so forth, I mean the person is gone forever and talking like that won't bring them back.

The reason for this post is to point out that I lost my mother exactly one year ago today and I'm still finding it hard and I miss her terribly and will always love her, etc.... but life has to go on and so I'm not sitting there dwelling on it and all that. Instead I talk about the good times and funny times, etc... because I know that she would want me to do that.

On the other hand, my boyfriend lost his older brother almost five months ago and he was married for almost a year and a half with no kids unfortunately and his widowed wife is having a hard time dealing with it.
She's constantly dwelling on it and saying this should've been done to save him and all that; and everybody has been telling her that it's too late and so forth and she gets all mad, etc.... She also keeps telling us that we don't understand what she's going through and that gets us frustrated and mad because we do know. My boyfriend and his other brother lost their brother and his parents lost their oldest child and I lost my mother so we know what it's like in that sense. The only difference is that she lost her soul mate, and she never had children with him, etc.... but that still doesn't mean that we don't know what it's like and it doesn't mean we don't care because we don't show much emotion and cry like she does almost all the time.

The bottom line is that she will have to try and deal with this and to stop stressing herself and the rest of us especially my boyfriend's father who almost died last year (beginning of september) because of his son's death and everything. Has anybody else been through this and/or is going through this right now? If so, what was done and did it work?? I need advice please.

Thank You!!

[Polniaczek033]

I'm SO sorry. I lost my uncle about 3 or 4 years ago and it was EXTREMELY hard. I know kind of what you're going through and I know how hard it is to get by. Even though it doesn't seem right, just try to push it aside as far as you can. Don't let the sorrow rule your life, because it will make you miserable.
You and your family and your boyfriend's family are in my prayers, most definitely. <3

[Jo_Luvs_Ketchup]

Awww I'm sorry . For me, coming up on the 24th of February, my friend from school died. To this day, I don't know what she died of. I think it was suicide. It took me a long time to get over it. That was Ash Wednesday when I found out, she died on Tuesday. Then four years ago, my therapist and close friend died in a car accident. I found out on Easter Sunday. Yeah, easter is not a special time for me, everyone dies. When the anniversary comes up for them, I usually keep to myself and mope all day. I can't help it. Hopefully I can celebrate the Easter holiday without being so sad one day.

[80s_Fan]

Originally Posted by Polniaczek033

I'm SO sorry. I lost my uncle about 3 or 4 years ago and it was EXTREMELY hard. I know kind of what you're going through and I know how hard it is to get by. Even though it doesn't seem right, just try to push it aside as far as you can. Don't let the sorrow rule your life, because it will make you miserable.
You and your family and your boyfriend's family are in my prayers, most definitely. <3

________________________________________________________________

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and thanks for your concern and advice.

[80s_Fan]

Originally Posted by JinnyGirl88

Awww I'm sorry . For me, coming up on the 24th of February, my friend from school died. To this day, I don't know what she died of. I think it was suicide. It took me a long time to get over it. That was Ash Wednesday when I found out, she died on Tuesday. Then four years ago, my therapist and close friend died in a car accident. I found out on Easter Sunday. Yeah, easter is not a special time for me, everyone dies. When the anniversary comes up for them, I usually keep to myself and mope all day. I can't help it. Hopefully I can celebrate the Easter holiday without being so sad one day.

________________________________________________________________

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses. Thanks for your concern.

[Polniaczek033]

Originally Posted by 80s_Fan

________________________________________________________________

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss and thanks for your concern and advice.

Of course.
Just remember that it's okay to feel sad and sometimes it's going to last for a very long time. My exboyfriend/close friend committed suicide last year, on January 14. So 2 days ago was the one year since then. It still hurts a lot, but I try to focus on the positives, even though that sounds twisted. He was really sick, he was suffering, he's in a better place? That sounds weird for suicide, because it was very selfish.. but death is just another part of life. You have to move on eventually.

[Hollow]

death is something i'm all too used to..

when i was eight, my best friend was hit and killed by a car while she was trying to cross a highway. my friend told me the next day at school i just thought, yeah...RIGHT. after learning it was true, i wasn't too full of emotion because i was so young, but i stayed home from school for a few days and cried a lot. the following several months or so, all i could think about was wanting to die too. i never seriously planned a suicide or anything, but i always imagined death scenarios similar to hers and thought of ways they may become possible, hoping they would. i never told anyone about it though. it bothered me for many years afterward that i didn't remember many details about her death, especially the exact date of her death (just that it was around the first week of october, 1997); so much that last summer i was having bothersome dreams about it. just two days ago though, i was thinking about her because it was her birthday and decided to search her name on google, and i found something her dad wrote regarding her death, including the date, the whole story of what happened in his point of view and everything. i've felt a lot better since then.

as most people know my mom died from cancer when i was thirteen. she was terribly ill for months beforehand, so i wasn't surprised. when i was younger i used to spend long times crying, just thinking about how i would have to deal with her death someday, and imagined how much it would hurt if it were to happen in the near future. the things i'm really glad about are that she died naturally and peacefully, i got to prepare for her death and say goodbye, and that i don't have to worry for her. i'm always scared of losing people i love to sudden deaths and i feel like she's safe, and i'll never have to worry about losing her. but i know that i wouldn't be as messed up as i would be if she were still alive. first of all, i won't go into my family's dark history, but my dad treated her pretty badly at times and began treating me the same way immediately after she died. he's always been much harder on me than a parent should be, but it was never until then that he started flatout telling me that i'm stupid, that no one likes me, that i'm a disgrace to the world, that i can't do anything, that i'm a pain in the ass to be around, etc. i'd been diagnosed with depression a year earlier, and i can't put my finger on EXACTLY why but it was after she died that i became as miserable and dark as i am. i know one would probably think "maybe because you miss her, duh" but it's not quite like that, and certainly not that simple. her death is definitely part of the very BASE of it but you'd have to be me to understand; it's very difficult to pinpoint it. furthermore, when i see other girls my age with their moms i get so jealous i could cry. it's not fair that i have to be the only one without one. and i hate having to tell people that she's died when they ask me about her. like when i'm in a casual conversation and have to ruin the mood by telling them that. the thing is i feel like i'm making them uncomfortable, like they get nervous and don't know what to say without offending me, when there's no need to. a simple, halfway-sympathetic "oh, i'm sorry about that" will do; i won't storm out of the room in tears if you don't throw a big party for me to make me feel better.

on may second last year, my fifteen-year-old friend was in a car with her sisters and niece on the same highway that my other friend was killed on when the driver lost sight of the road and they collided with a semi. my friend was thrown out of the windshield and killed, but saved her infant niece's life by throwing her to her sister moments beforehand because she realized what was about to happen. the rest of them lived but were horribly injured. at school the next day when the teacher announced that she's died, a vigorous feeling of numbness struck me and i had her repeat what she'd just said; i thought it had to have been a mistake. i began involuntarily shaking and breathing heavily for about ten minutes and i went home as soon as i could and cried for the rest of the day until the early hours of the next morning. i spent hours at a time trying to drill it into my head that she was gone forever, but i just automatically bouncing back to thinking "...but it's ok, i'll see her tomorrow" and frustrating myself. the most painful part of it all was the burial, the final goodbye. i had remained halfway content through most of the funeral but upon watching them take the casket out of the hearse to bury her, i just lost it, people kept asking me if i was ok. the subconscious feelings about her still being alive still somewhat persist and since then i've had occasional fears of going to school and finding out that someone has died, and i'm glad that i don't have any regrets or anything but i've had a very hard time dealing with her death. i was crying over her as recently as a few days ago.

there have been other deaths i've been through but those are the ones that definitely affected me the most..a friend i had on the internet died in a car accident on september 19, 2004 (one day short of exactly two years after my mom died); i didn't know her all that well but i spent a while crying after i found out. and i lost two grandparents within the same few months when i was twelve, one whom i was close to, but losing relatives to old age is something that everyone has to go through. they're not necessarily any less important than anyone else, but i just don't consider deaths like that to be as bad as something like losing a teenaged friend to a murder.

[Number 9 Dream]

Originally Posted by safety pin

death is something i'm all too used to..

when i was eight, my best friend was hit and killed by a car while she was trying to cross a highway. my friend told me the next day at school i just thought, yeah...RIGHT. after learning it was true, i wasn't too full of emotion because i was so young, but i stayed home from school for a few days and cried a lot. the following several months or so, all i could think about was wanting to die too. i never seriously planned a suicide or anything, but i always imagined death scenarios similar to hers and thought of ways they may become possible, hoping they would. i never told anyone about it though. it bothered me for many years afterward that i didn't remember many details about her death, especially the exact date of her death (just that it was around the first week of october, 1997); so much that last summer i was having bothersome dreams about it. just two days ago though, i was thinking about her because it was her birthday and decided to search her name on google, and i found something her dad wrote regarding her death, including the date, the whole story of what happened in his point of view and everything. i've felt a lot better since then.

as most people know my mom died from cancer when i was thirteen. she was terribly ill for months beforehand, so i wasn't surprised. when i was younger i used to spend long times crying, just thinking about how i would have to deal with her death someday, and imagined how much it would hurt if it were to happen in the near future. the things i'm really glad about are that she died naturally and peacefully, i got to prepare for her death and say goodbye, and that i don't have to worry for her. i'm always scared of losing people i love to sudden deaths and i feel like she's safe, and i'll never have to worry about losing her. but i know that i wouldn't be as messed up as i would be if she were still alive. first of all, i won't go into my family's dark history, but my dad treated her pretty badly at times and began treating me the same way immediately after she died. he's always been much harder on me than a parent should be, but it was never until then that he started flatout telling me that i'm stupid, that no one likes me, that i'm a disgrace to the world, that i can't do anything, that i'm a pain in the ass to be around, etc. i'd been diagnosed with depression a year earlier, and i can't put my finger on EXACTLY why but it was after she died that i became as miserable and dark as i am. i know one would probably think "maybe because you miss her, duh" but it's not quite like that, and certainly not that simple. her death is definitely part of the very BASE of it but you'd have to be me to understand; it's very difficult to pinpoint it. furthermore, when i see other girls my age with their moms i get so jealous i could cry. it's not fair that i have to be the only one without one. and i hate having to tell people that she's died when they ask me about her. like when i'm in a casual conversation and have to ruin the mood by telling them that. the thing is i feel like i'm making them uncomfortable, like they get nervous and don't know what to say without offending me, when there's no need to. a simple, halfway-sympathetic "oh, i'm sorry about that" will do; i won't storm out of the room in tears if you don't throw a big party for me to make me feel better.

on may second last year, my fifteen-year-old friend was in a car with her sisters and niece on the same highway that my other friend was killed on when the driver lost sight of the road and they collided with a semi. my friend was thrown out of the windshield and killed, but saved her infant niece's life by throwing her to her sister moments beforehand because she realized what was about to happen. the rest of them lived but were horribly injured. at school the next day when the teacher announced that she's died, a vigorous feeling of numbness struck me and i had her repeat what she'd just said; i thought it had to have been a mistake. i began involuntarily shaking and breathing heavily for about ten minutes and i went home as soon as i could and cried for the rest of the day until the early hours of the next morning. i spent hours at a time trying to drill it into my head that she was gone forever, but i just automatically bouncing back to thinking "...but it's ok, i'll see her tomorrow" and frustrating myself. the most painful part of it all was the burial, the final goodbye. i had remained halfway content through most of the funeral but upon watching them take the casket out of the hearse to bury her, i just lost it, people kept asking me if i was ok. the subconscious feelings about her still being alive still somewhat persist and since then i've had occasional fears of going to school and finding out that someone has died, and i'm glad that i don't have any regrets or anything but i've had a very hard time dealing with her death. i was crying over her as recently as a few days ago.

there have been other deaths i've been through but those are the ones that definitely affected me the most..a friend i had on the internet died in a car accident on september 19, 2004 (one day short of exactly two years after my mom died); i didn't know her all that well but i spent a while crying after i found out. and i lost two grandparents within the same few months when i was twelve, one whom i was close to, but losing relatives to old age is something that everyone has to go through. they're not necessarily any less important than anyone else, but i just don't consider deaths like that to be as bad as something like losing a teenaged friend to a murder.

I'm so sorry Your account of losing family/friends brought tears to my eyes.

[Tuesday Weld]

I don't deal with death well, at all. It takes me decades to really even start to feel better. I'm just really sensitive to it.