Question for those who have kids

[GARFIELDKOOL]

Do you allow a family member of yours to chastise your kids when/if they get out of hand? I got a bunch of neices and nephews and some of them are bad as hell. When some of my nephews were younger, I used to chastise them and one of my sisters would get offended telling me that "those were her kids and that she will discipline them!" The thing was, she wasn't going to discipline them, that's why they act the way they do. She defends everything they do. I don't have any of my own, but when I do, I would give any family member permission to discipline them when they get out of hand. That is why my 16 year-old neice does not respect my sister, because she never disciplined her. She talks back, doesn't go to school, stays out at night. I don't say anything to my neices or nephews anymore when they are bad, because my sister will find out the hard way.

[James"Thunder"Early]

I don't have kids, but I do know that most people don't like other family members chastising their kids. My dad did that to my cousin and his mother didn't really like that.

[dawsongirl]

I don't have kids either, but if I did, it would depend on the family member. I have some relatives that I don't think could raise a pet rock. I also like to think that I disiplined them enough myself. I see parents everywhere in public who obviously can't say no to their kids, and those kids are annoying as hell...tearing things up, running around screaming...I can't stand that. First time my kid tries that, they're never going shopping again. My dad did that to me and it seemed to work well.

[Kazza]

I have kids and I like it when a family member points out the misbehavior so I can correct it but I don't like it for them to tell them for some reason.

[MsOrange]

like Cathy said, most of the times it would depend on the family member...
but for hte most part, a kid needs to learn respect, so if their Grandparents/Aunt/Uncle etc... discplined them (and it wasn't out of line), they would need to respect them... but if that relative crossed the line, then i'd have to say something

[stella]

Originally Posted by GARFIELDKOOL

Do you allow a family member of yours to chastise your kids when/if they get out of hand?

Thanks for bringing up this topic. I've been wanting to discuss this topic for a long time. To answer your question, the answer is yes. I will allow not only a family member, but any other adult for that matter to discipline my own kid if the two conditions that I will state apply. Likewise, I will grant myself the right to punish another person's misbehaving child if the following two conditions apply:

#1. The kid's misbehaving actions were DIRECTLY affecting the well-being of me and my family (e.g. if the other kid was bullying or harrassing my child and I could ascertain that the other kid was more at fault).

#2. If the other kid's parents are not present, I would punish the kid right away. But if the other kid's parents were present, I would still punish the kid if I felt his/her parents were not doing enough to discipline their own child. In other words, if the kid's parents did not punish their own kid, I would.

I will now share with you an aspect that I really despise about Chinese society. I have an ethnic Chinese background and I'm not sure if Western society shares these same values, but somehow I think it is different.

The following message was written to me by a good Chinese friend. I could definitely relate and empathize with him.

------A Message from my Chinese friend complaining about his upbringing------

This is the biggest complaint that I have about my Chinese upbringing.

Growing up, I considered myself to be a very well-behaved kid with a slight shy streak. I would also get into occasional disputes and conflicts with other kids. Most of the time, these conflicts were in the form of verbal arguments, but occasionally they would escalate into physical fights. Now, being the quiet and shy kid that I was, I dare say that it was always the other kid who was more at fault as they were the ones who provoked me into the dispute by teasing, harassing, and bullying me. In other words, the other kid was the instigator and perpetrator, and I was the victim.

But my biggest complaint is how my dad reacted afterwards when he found out that I was involved in the dispute. My dad would always automatically give me a big reprimand, all the while not saying anything to the other kid. My dad didn't seem to care about what the circumstances behind the conflict were about - he would just punish me and only me right away. By punishing only me, I soon got the impression that he did so because he thought I was 100% at fault for the dispute, which I knew for sure that I was not. As a result, that really affected my self-confidence and soon, I lost faith in my dad.

After I grew up and was brave to confront my dad about all the unfair punishment that I received from him, he replied that Chinese parents always punish their own kids first, and that disputes between kids aren't serious matters so all he should do as a responsible father is to control his own kid. My mom also said that adults aren't allowed to punish other people's kids.

But I consider that concept total BS. As a responsible father, my dad should protect me from outside harm by punishing other kids who are bad to me. He should chastise them not to discipline them, but to impose some pain and fear in them so they would be afraid to bully me around. In other words, I think fathers should protect sons the same way older brothers protect their younger siblings. And regarding adults not being allowed to punish other people's kids, that's total BS because of one huge counterexample - school teachers. Teachers are adults too aren't they? And yet they punish other people's misbehaving kids all the time and yet they continue to be highly respected in Chinese society. The way I see it, if teacher's can punish someone else's kid, then so can my dad given that overall, my dad should still be closer to me than my teacher.

Did you receive such unfair treatment from your parents in that you would automatically be punished by them whenever you got into disputes with other kids, even though the other kid may have been much more at fault for the conflict? If you did, then do you hold a grudge against your parents for the unfair punishment the same way I do for how my dad treated me?
----------------------------------------------------------------

Having read stories like this, I would definitely not treat my own kids this way. In disputes that my kid may have with other kids, I will only scold my child if I can ascertain that he was MORE at fault than the other kid. If I determine both kids are at fault, then I will scold BOTH kids and if I determine that the other kid was more at fault, I will very well scold the other kid. As a good parent, I have a responsibility of PROTECTING my own child by punishing other kids who are bad to my child.

[Ireneparalegal]

My two daughters were and are just great. Never had a problem with them as far as discipline. However!!!!i have a four year old son and he gets CRAZY. I have no problem with my older sister disciplining him at all. She does it with love but is stern. I wish more people would say something to him, so he understands he can't be acting in a bad way.