PILOT episode script for ALICE

[JeffRuss1972]

This is the PILOT episode for ALICE, which aired on CBS August 31, 1976. Thought you might enjoy reading.

ALICE
Alice Hyatt(Linda Lavin), Tommy Hyatt(Alfred Lutter, III), Mel Sharples(Vic Tayback), Vera Gorman(Beth Howland), Flo Cassleberry(Polly Holliday).

FADE IN
(A jukebox in the corner is playing a rock song as the camera slowly pans across customers seated in booths in Mel's Diner. Laughter is heard as waitress Florence Jean Cassleberry(Polly Holliday), known as "Flo", jokes with the customers.

FLO: . . . and so, the preacher says 'the first person that looks at that poor woman will be struck blind, then one of the deacons said, 'Well, I'm gonna risk ONE eye . . .(Customers laugh)

(A young man named Joel, who looks to be in his early twenties, comes into the diner and walks quickly over to Alice Hyatt(Linda Lavin), another waitress. She has her hands full with a tray of dishes).

JOEL: Hi, are you busy?

ALICE: Oh, no . . . you wanna dance?
(She rolls her eyes and heads off toward the kitchen. Joel goes to the counter and sits down. He sees Vera Gorman(Beth Howland), a young thin waitress, and smiles.

JOEL: Hi, Vera!
(Vera jumps nervously, and all the drinking straws she has been sorting fly into the air. She quickly begins cleaning them up. Alice drops to her knees in the kitchen, her hands still full with a plate of dishes. She tosses them exhaustedly into the sink. Mel Sharples(Vic Tayback), owner of Mel's Diner, sets plates of food at the pickup window and rings a bell loudly)

MEL: Flo!!! Pickup, two bacon and eggs. (He notices Alice) Come here, Alice. (She moves over to him) I see your boyfriend is back.

ALICE: Mel, he's not my boyfriend.

MEL: See him on your own time, will ya?

ALICE: I said he's not my boyfriend.
(Flo arrives at the counter)

MEL: (to Flo) What're you doin' back there?

FLO: Givin' Bert Jenkins a thrill. Everytime I lean over to check the sugar bowl I get a fifty cent tip.

MEL: Well give me a thrill. Pick up your orders.

FLO: Oh, kiss my grits. (She smiles, taking her orders away. Alice comes out from the kitchen, suddenly stops, realizing she almost stepped on Vera who is still cleaning up the straws.

ALICE: Oh, geez! I'm sorry, Vera! Are you alright?

VERA: (Nervous) Yes, yes. I'm sorry!

ALICE: Okay, excuse me. (She walks up to the counter where Joel is sitting) Look . . .

JOEL: Change your mind?

ALICE: No, I . . .

JOEL: Look, two people meet, one asks the other out to dinner. Now what could possibly happen?

ALICE: Well, one person could say 'no', and the other person could leave. Listen, would you please go? I'm gonna lose my job.

JOEL: Alright, alright . . . but I'll be BACK . . .(he exits. Alice moves down the counter to a young boy with glasses. It is Tommy Hyatt(Alfred Lutter, III), her young son.

ALICE: And you, Tommy. Mel fixed you a nice plate of his special. Now the least you can do is eat it.

TOMMY: Oh, come on mom. When the special is lamb stew and lima beans, the MOST I can do is eat it.
(Alice glares at him a moment, then smiles faintly)

ALICE: You know you were a lot nicer before my fall from the heights of stardom.

TOMMY: Singing in a piano bar in Kansas City was stardom?

ALICE: You know what I like about you?

TOMMY: What?

ALICE: (Laughs) Ha-ha! You can't think of anything either, huh?(She nudges him out of his counter seat). C'mon. You're gonna be late for school.

TOMMY: Wait, I haven't figured out your tip, yet.

ALICE: Well, figure this. Fifteen percent of nothing is nothing. (She kisses him) Bye, honey. Love you.(Tommy leaves. A rumpled old man comes into the diner)

FLO: Mornin', stuff.

OLD MAN: Hey, Flo. (Tries to grab her behind)

FLO: Whoop, watch it. You'll blow that pacemaker. (They both laugh)
(Flo walks away. The old man notices Alice bent over a table and moves slowly over to her. Suddenly there is a loud yell. Vera tosses all the straws into the air again. Alice, who has obviously been grabbed by the old man, backs away slowly from him.)

OLD MAN: Hey . . . you sure are a pretty little sugar plumb. Ain't seen you around. You work here???

ALICE: Yeah, I've been here about 4 or 5 weeks. (She almost trips over Vera again) Ooop, I'm sorry.

VERA: Sorry.

ALICE: Don't leave me. (She smiles faintly. The old man motions for Alice to lean over the counter so he can whisper something to her)

OLD MAN: (Low) I'll give you a candy bar if you come in the back room with me for five minutes. (Alice eyes him for a moment as audience laughs).

ALICE: Would you excuse me for a minute, please. (She moves over to Flo, who has been watching the exchange smiling) See that guy over there? Don't look! (Flo laughs) You wanna know what he just said to me?

FLO: Oh, relax, honey. He's harmless. He don't know what he's saying half the time. You wanna know what he said to me once? (Alice glares at her) NO, I suppose you don't. (Starts wiping the counter) Well, he's too old for you anyhow, stick with that kid.

ALICE: (in a southern accent) What kee-uud?

FLO: That one that Mel told you to get rid of, the one that's been hangin' around you for the last few days. You suppose he's got an older brother? Or a FATHER. I'll take the father.

ALICE: Take 'em ALL, and I'll give ya Rip-Van-Raunchy over there, too. (She walks away)

FLO: Well smell you, Princess GRACE.
(An old lady in a shawl gets up to leave and the dirty Old Man follows her)

OLD MAN: Missy . . . missy, would you like a candy bar? They're kinda peppy. (The two exit out as Joel comes in. He is carrying a long stem rose. Seeing Vera, he smiles)

JOEL: Hey, gorgeous. (He moves over to the counter to Alice and hands her the rose)

ALICE: (Flattered) Well, that's very nice. Thank you, I . . . listen, I uh . . . I don't wanna go out with you, ya got it?

JOEL: Not quite, now what's wrong with me? I made the honor roll in high school, I was a boy scout. I help old ladies acoss the street.

ALICE: (Smiling faintly) Well you ain't gonna help this old lady across the street.

JOEL: Why not?

ALICE: You really wanna know?

JOEL: Yeah.
(They are interrupted by Vera, who is bringing something over to Joel)

VERA: L-Look. I made this napkin into a rose. (Hands it to him)

JOEL: Oh, that's pretty. That's beautiful. You have the longest eyelashes, do you know that? You should be in the movies. Hey, will you do me a favor? Will you leave the two of us alone for just a couple of minutes, please? (He kisses Vera's hand and she seems to melt. He turns back to Alice) Now, you were saying?

ALICE: Yes, why I won't go out with you. A- I am a widower. I have a good 10 years on you, I'm old enough to be your grand----your babysitter. B- I am a babysitter, for my own 12 year old son. C- My last date turned out to have a wife who looked to be ABOUT 19 months pregnant. D- I am a singer, and I'm saving my nighttime energy towards gettin another singing job. E-----

JOEL: (Interrupting) You . . . I didn't know that you were a singer. I'm an agent in Hollywood, I handle performers.
(Alice pauses for a moment, considers, then begins to smile)

ALICE: Say that again . . .

JOEL: I said I didn't know that you were a singer.

ALICE: No, no, no, no, no, no . . . . . the other part.

JOEL: Oh, I'm an agent, I handle performers?

ALICE: (smiling) Yeah, that's the part.

JOEL: I'm an agent, I handle performers.

ALICE: (Grinning wildly) You ARE? You're not.

JOEL: Yes.

ALICE: You DO? You don't.

JOEL: Yes!

ALICE: Oh, I'm sorry---

JOEL: What for?

ALICE: (Coming around to his side of the counter) Are you really an agent?

JOEL: Yes!!!

ALICE: That could get a person a singing job?

JOEL: Sure.

ALICE: (Giggling lightly) Well . . . like you said . . . who could die from a little dinner?

JOEL: Nobody! So, I'll pick you up here, tonight.

ALICE: Yeah, but, no, I have to work late tonight.

JOEL: Alright, tomorrow night. What time do you get off?

ALICE: Uh, 5:30, but---

JOEL: (Leaving) Alright, I'll pick you up HERE, tomorrow night, 5:30. (Exits)
(Flo walks over to Alice's side)

FLO: 5:30? What do you gotta do, be somewhere before the prices change?

ALICE: (Excited) Flo . . . he's an agent!!!

FLO: An agent? (Laughs) That kid? C'mon. Yesterday after lunch, I had to burp him.

ALICE: I know Flo, but . . . see, it's babies like that that are takin' over the music business now. See, Flo, you don't know anything about it.

FLO: I don't know anything about MUSIC??? Honey, you lookin' at a five time VFW Jitterbug Champ. So don't tell ME about show business.

ALICE: Well, I don't care! It's a chance and I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna go to dinner with him, and uh, if I can get him to hear me sing he may be willing to handle me.

FLO: (Laughing) I'll buy that LAST part.

ALICE: (After a pause) Flo?

FLO: Yeah?

ALICE: (with accent) Kiss my grits! (She dances off to the kitchen as the lights fade to darkness)

FADE IN:
(Alice is at home on the sofa in her bathrobe putting curlers in her hair. Tommy is sitting beside her in his pajamas)

TOMMY: You REALLY think this adolescent agent will take us to Hollywood and you'll become Doris Day?

ALICE: Yeah. Why? Where does it say I don't get lucky? Where is it written that Alice Hyatt doesn't get to be a singer? You don't know EVERYTHING, ya know. Youy're only 12 years old.

TOMMY: Almost 13.

ALICE: You may not make it.

TOMMY: You're right, mom. This could be it.

ALICE: You bet it could. I know it could. All I need is . . . (Eyes him) Are you talking down to me? Am I being talked down to by a 12 year old?

TOMMY: I said it could happen. You want me to slit open a vein and sign it in blood?

ALICE: (Smiling slightly) No. I'm sorry honey. (hugs him) I know it's been hard on ya. Having to move and make new friends and all. But what was so terrific about Jersey, huh? Phoenix . . . Phoenix has got, uh, fresh air. Sunshine . . . cactus. We're doin' the right thing, don't you think?

TOMMY: Sure we are. And you're right. This guy could be your big break.

ALICE: (Smiling) You really think so?

TOMMY: Absolutely. But . . . like you say, what do I know? I'm only 12.

ALICE: Oh! (She shoves him playfully aside as the lights FADE OUT)

FADE IN:
(Mel's Diner is very crowded with customers. Mel summons Alice over to the serving window)

MEL: Where the hell is Vera?

ALICE: I don't know, Mel. Would you like me to drop what I'm doing and search the scenic Southwest for her?

MEL: All I asked you was where the hell Vera was.

FLO: (Arriving at counter window) Mel, I've got a riddle for you. How is Vera like that Burger Deluxe I ordered?

MEL: I give up.

FLO: Neither one of 'ems HERE!!!
(Alice walks over to help a customer who is trying to get ketchup out of one of the bottles)

ALICE: Sometimes they're broken. I'll go in the back and get some more. (She disappears into the back room. The dirty Old Man follows her in and closes the door. Suddenly there is a scream. Dishes shatter and everything is silent. Everyone watches the stockroom door. Alice comes out slowly, straightening her dress. She notices everyone staring at her) I don't WANT a candy bar . . .

FLO: I told you not to worry about him.

ALICE: Geez, for a guy who's slow on his feet he sure is fast with his hands.

FLO: Maybe I oughta get a hold of some of that mature stuff.

ALICE: Mature? He couldn't even get the wrapper off the candy bar----(Alice and Flo both burst out laughing. They turn to look at the Old Man who waves. They then crack up laughing even more)
Fade Out.

FADE IN:
(Flo is taking a few cups out of the refrigerator and putting them on a tray. Alice walks up and joins her)

FLO: Wait'll you see Vera.

Alice: (Chuckling) Why, is she here?

FLO: Yeah, and she thinks she's goin' to Hollywood with you.

ALICE: I'm not goin to Hollywood. If I don't get him to hear me sing, I'm not going to Hollywood.

FLO: Well sing for him TONIGHT.

ALICE: (Smiling faintly) What am I suppose to do for accompaniment, slap two flap jacks together? (Laughs) I need a piano. One sweet little old upright's all I need . . . (Alice walks off as Flo stands considering what Alice said about the piano. Alice brings over two drinks to 2 men customers) Well, Surprise!

CUSTOMER: Yeah, GREAT.

ALICE: Well, drink 'em. You been hollering for em long enough.

FLO: (Running up to Alice) Here, Alice. Look after my tables. I'll be back in a jiffy. (Exits)

ALICE: (Considers) Well . . . well, I'll look after her tables but I won't lean over her sugar bowls . . .
(Lights fade to darkness)

FADE IN:
(The clock on the wall of Mel's diner shows the time as a little past 5:30. Vera comes out of the restroom wearing a curly, afro-like wig and pink tights. She looks around nervously, then grabs a large round serving tray and dances across the room to the front door. As Joel is coming in, Vera clumsily bashes him in the ribs with the tray)

JOEL: Owwwww!!!

ALICE: (Moving quickly to them) Don't hurt him, he's an agent!

MEL: (Off camera) Vera!!! Get your frame in here!

VERA: Coming! (She dances ballet-style off to the kitchen)

JOEL: What WAS that?

ALICE: That was an audition.

JOEL: Oh, yeah. Hey . . . you look pretty.

ALICE: Thank you.

JOEL: Okay, listen, I figure we have a quick dinner, shoot on back to your place, put the kid to bed and let the good times roll.

ALICE: Well, the good times are gonna have to wait 'til Flo gets back.

JOEL: She's going WITH us?

ALICE: (Laughs) No . . .
(Just then, Flo comes through the door directing two men who are pushing a piano)

FLO: Alright, come on boys, right this way. Come on, Cleo. Here we go. (To Customers) Alright, everybody, FREE show tonight!!!

MEL: What the HELL is THAT?

FLO: It's a piano! Alice is gonna sing!

MEL: Not in here, what kinda place do you think I'm running?

FLO: I'm TOO much of a LADY to answer that!(She quickly turns, directing the two men where to place piano) C'mon Cleo, get the LEAD out, honey!

MEL: (to Flo) How would you like to be an out-of-work-hashslinger?

FLO: How'd you like to get along tomorrow with JUST Vera?
(Mel considers, then walks away quietly. Flo grabs Alice, pulling her to the piano) Come on over here, honey, sit right down there. Cleo! You and Cecil sit right back there, you're the guest of honor.

ALICE: (Overjoyed) Oh, Flo!

FLO: How do ya like it?

ALICE: Oh, I love it, how'd ya get it?

FLO: Well, Cleo Buford runs the music store, so I just bought him a few beers and unbuttoned the ole top button, then made a couple of promises that I have NO intention of keeping . . .so, go ahead and sing, honey. Cleo's gotta have the piano back by the time the store closes.

ALICE: (to Joel) What would you like to hear, a ballad or an up-tempo?

JOEL: Ahh, either one, as long as it's fast.
(Alice laughs, then looks concerned)

ALICE: What kind of singers do you handle?

FLO: Well what do you care, honey. Like you said it's a CHANCE, sing!

VERA: (to Joel) Ican play the clarinet!

FLO: (Grabbing Vera) Just go sit down over there, honey. (To crowd) Okay, now you jerks, everybody be quiet. This is gonna be some HIGH CLASS entertainment.
(Alice begins to play a few bars)
FLO: Miss Alice HYatt!!!
(Alice starts again)
FLO: Break ya leg honey!
(Alice rolls her eyes, then begins to sing. She sings a nice rendition of It Had To Be You, as the camera pans across the diner at the customers admiring faces. When she finishes, the audience applauds and Flo hugs her)

ALICE: (To Joel) Well, what do ya think?

JOEL: Just great. Very great. Can we get going?

FLO: Well, what kind of a place do you see her in, a big one or a little one?

JOEL: (to Alice) Can we go?

FLO: You know, I see her in one of those small bars with just a piano, a microphone, and one of those brandy sifters to put her tips in.

ALICE: I don't care what kind of a place it is as long as it's a place.

JOEL: Listen, I feel funny talking business here, can we go?

ALICE: Oh, sure. (Turns, hugs Flo) Oh, Flo, thank you.

MEL: Well, Alice, you really sing good. I wish you could wait on tables this good. (Alice smiles and hugs him)

ALICE: Oh, Mel, thanks alot.(Kisses him on the cheek)
(As Alice and Joel turn to leave, Vera hits him with the food tray again)

JOEL: Owwww! Listen . . . I'm sorry, I don't handle clarinetists. But thanks. (He and Alice exit. Vera watches through the door sadly. Flo comes over to her and buts her arm around her)

FLO: Well, look at it this way, Vera. You didn't lose an agent, you gained a . . . (considers, then smiles faintly) Honey, you lost an agent.
(The lights fade to darkness)

FADE IN:
(At Alice's apartment, she is turning off the stereo and walking back over to the couch where Joel is sitting)

ALICE: THAT's the record that made me want to become a singer.

JOEL: Who is that, anyway?

ALICE: (Puzzled) Joe Stafford.

JOEL: He's got an awfully high voice.

ALICE: (Still puzzled) Hey, you never did tell me, what kind of singers do you handle?

JOEL: Well, now that's not important. What IS important is . . . is, your, uh, your style. Now why don't you tell me what kind of singers influenced you, and then that will give me a better idea of your uh . . .

ALICE: My style.

JOEL: Style, right.

ALICE: Well, there was Peggy Lee. Uh, June Christie. Billy Holliday, Ella Fitzgerald . . .

TOMMY: (Interrupting) TONY Orlando and DAWN.

JOEL: Oh yeah! Tony Orlando and Dawn, they are fabulous. Do you know 'Knock Three Times'?

TOMMY: (Coming over) Yeah, I've got the album.

ALICE: (Continuing) Uh, Patti Page . . .

JOEL: (To Tommy) Hey, do you know Leon Russell, 'Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and my Monkey'?

ALICE: (To Herself) Joan Southern . . .

TOMMY: Yeah, I've got it over there. (He and Joel go over to the record cabinet, leaving Alice on the couch still naming off singers)

ALICE: Rosemary Clooney . . . Margaret TRUMAN

JOEL: (Pulling money out) Hey, Tommy. Can you be bought?

TOMMY: Every man's got his price.

JOEL: What if I offered you a buck to go to the movies?

TOMMY: I'd ask for three.

JOEL: I'll give you two.

TOMMY: Taken. (To Alice) He sure sounds like an agent, mom. (kisses her goodbye)

ALICE: You DON'T sit through that movie twice, and you come right home after.

TOMMY: I'm not goin' BAR HOPPING on TWO BUCKS, geez . . . (exits)

ALICE: (Yelling) And don't sit next to anybody with a rain coat!!!

JOEL: (Sitting beside Alice) NOW then . . .

ALICE: (Moving away) NOW then?

JOEL: (Closer) Yeah, it's fun time

ALICE: (Back) FUN time?

JOEL: Boy, you sound like a parrot.

ALICE: A parrot???(Holds him off) Listen, uh, I REALLY want to talk to you about a singing job.

JOEL: Alright, I was gonna keep it a surprise, but I think I can get you in at The Coconut Grove. (Alice laughs) NO, I'm serious. I got contacts there.

ALICE: (Serious) The Coconut Grove has been closed for two years.

JOEL: Oh, yeah . . . I, uh, I meant the other place.

ALICE: Hold it.

JOEL: I always get it mixed up with that one.

ALICE: HOLD it.

JOEL: It's got a tree name.

ALICE: HOLD it . . .

JOEL: Uh, the Oak Room?

ALICE: (Eyes widen) Mmmmph. (Sighs, exasperated) Ohhh-kay. You're not a Hollywood agent. What do you you really do for a living?

JOEL: (low) I'm a HOSIERY salesman from Portland.

ALICE: (Closes her eyes) Oh, I love it . . . I just love it. (Claps her hand to her cheek) Oh . . . I auditioned in a DINER . . . for a twenty year old HOSIERY salesman . . . from PORTLAND.

JOEL: I, um . . . I'm 25.

ALICE: (Sighs hopeless) Oh! Great.

JOEL: I've got, um . . . I've got some free samples in the car.

ALICE: What a break. So far this week I've been offered candy bars and nylons. What the hell is this, World War II? Geez, you . . . you probably don't remember that either.
(Flo bursts in through the door)
FLO: Alright, everybody, HOLD it right there! I'm sorry, honey, but me and Cleo was having a beer with the night clerk at Seeman's Motel, and it seems---
ALICE: I know, I know. He's not a Hollywood agent.

TOMMY: (Coming back in) I need $2.50 to get in, I need more money.

ALICE: You DON'T have to go to the movies, Tommy. Give the money back.

JOEL: Look, there's no harm done, Tommy, I'll give ya the fifty cents.

ALICE: Don't take that money . . .

FLO: (to Joel) ARE YOU still HERE? GO sell some PANTY HOSE, get on! (She throws him out)

TOMMY: What happened? When I left things were moving right along.

FLO: Well, Tommy, it seems our friend Joel was hiding a few things.

TOMMY: Everybody's got something to hide, except---

ALICE: Me and my monkey, I know Toms.

TOMMY: (Exiting to his room) Now I'll never get to meet Tatum O'Neil . . .

FLO: (Sitting on sofa) Well, honey, I'm sorry about all this.

ALICE: Oh . . . you want a beer?

FLO: Naw, I still got a buzz on from drinking with Cleo. (Turns to Alice) Now listen, honey, you don't have to give up. There's plenty of places for you to sing right around here.

ALICE: Oh, sure. The laundromat, the bakery, the bus depot. I will never . . . NEVER, even TALK to a guy who's not at LEAST 47 (Eyes Flo) . . . okay, 46.

FLO: (Smiles) Well, now I don't know. That little ole Joel wasn't too hard to look at.

ALICE: No . . .

FLO: Just imagine if he HAD been an agent. Cute little ole thing like that showing up in front of your house, and take you to a Hollywood premiere.

ALICE: Yeah . . . on his tricycle.
(They both laugh as the lights fade to darkness)

FADE IN: End Tag
(Mel's Diner. Vera, carrying a large tray of dishes, almost drops them. Flo manages to catch her just in time. Mel is making out a menu while Tommy sits at the counter)

TOMMY: What's today's special, Mel?

MEL: Creamed turkey and brussel sprouts.

TOMMY: (Ponders, frowns) Let me have another piece of pie.

MEL: Hey, brussel sprouts made me a MAN.

TOMMY: Got enough back there to make another one for mom?

ALICE: (to Vera) I guess we both missed out on Hollywood, huh? AND a boyfriend?

FLO: Hey, Vera, maybe I could get you a date with Cleo Buford.

VERA: CLEO? He hasn't got any . . . pazazz.

ALICE: (to Flo, smiling) She's right.

FLO: Honey, underneath that dull exterior beats a brand new Chrysler with red leather upholstery and THAT's pazazz. (Walks away)

ALICE: (to Vera, smiling) She's right.
(The dirty old man is back in the Diner. He sees Alice and walks slowly over to her. She backs away cautiously)

OLD MAN: Hey, sugarplumb.

ALICE: Hello there . . .

OLD MAN: Boy you sure look good today. Hey . . . (low) I'll give ya a candy bar if you'll come in the back room with me for five minutes.
(Alice eyes him for a minute, then smiles playfully)

ALICE: With or without almonds?
(Audience applauds as lights fade to darkness)

THE END