One Last Batch of TV Quotes - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

tv star collector · 11-06-2005, 03:15 PM

SPORTS
Lois Lane [mooning over Superman]: "Clark, does spring mean anything to you?"
Clark Kent: "Baseball."
Lois: "Do you think spring means anything to Superman?"
Clark: "He doesn't have time for baseball!"
The Adventures of Superman

SUCCESS AND FAILURE
"If you're going to be a failure, you might as well be a success at it."
Bud Anderson,
Father Knows Best

SUPERSTITION
"How can I have so much bad luck with four horseshoes?"
Mister Ed,
Mister Ed

TAXES
"The government comes for the regular people first."
Cliff Huxtable,
The Cosby Show

"Even if you're a baby with money the government takes it away from you."
Wally Cleaver,
Leave It to Beaver

Mr. Drysdale: "It's that time again--time to pay income taxes."
Jed Clampett: "Oh, good. Let's give 'em a little extry this year. I can't spend all the money I've got."
The Beverly Hillbillies

TEETH
Andy Taylor: "Ready for bed?"
Opie Taylor: Yes, Pa."
Andy: "Brush your teeth?"
Opie: "Just feel how wet the toothbrush is."
Andy: "I want to tell you a little story. One time, a long time ago, there was this little fella and he never
brushed his teeth. Now, you may not believe this, but all he'd do is wet his toothbrush. To him, it was
a right funny joke. Every time he thought about it, he'd smile. And then, one day, he quit smilin.' Never
smiled again the rest of his days."
Opie: "Why didn't he smile anymore?"
Andy: "He's too embarrassed. He didn't have any teeth."
Opie: "Oh."
Andy: "Where are you going?"
Opie: "Guess I'll go brush my teeth again."
The Andy Griffith Show

TELEVISION
"Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the
need for it."
Alfred Hitchcock,
Alfred Hitchcock Presents

"It's just plain foolishness, squattin' all day in front of a little black box, starin' bleary-eyed at people who
ain't more than two inches high. It's a passin' fancy, I tell you, like buggy whips and high button shoes."
Grandpa Amos McCoy,
The Real McCoys

"No wonder they call television a medium; it's so seldom rare or well-done."
Mighty Mouse,
The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."
Mighty Mouse,
The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse

"There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium, and that is: Beat it to death if it
succeeds."
Ernie Kovacs,
The Ernie Kovacs Show

Micky Dolenz: "So this is the world of television."
Peter Tork: "That's funny; it doesn't look like a vast wasteland."
The Monkees

Eddie Munster: "Isn't anything real here?"
TV Producer: "Real? This is television!:
The Munsters

THINKING
"It takes a smart man to know he's stupid."
Barney Rubble,
The Flintstones

TRUST
"I got nothin' against mankind. It's people I don't trust."
Archie Bunker,
All in the Family

WAR
"Go to war. Keep the world safe for hypocrisy."
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

A WOMAN'S WORK
"Perhaps crimefighting is better left to the men, Batgirl, perhaps not. But this isn't exactly women's
work."
Batman,
Batman

[Ozzie Nelson has been spending a lot of his time as a volunteer fireman.]
Harriet Nelson: "You know, if they let women in the fire department, then I'd see more of you."
Ozzie Nelson: "Are you kidding? You gals take too long to dress."
Harriet: "Oh, I don't know--we can be pretty quick."
Ozzie: "By the time you got your makeup on, the fire'd be out."
The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet

WOMEN
Dwayne Schneider: "A woman is like a bathtub full of water--once you get it hot, it doesn't cool off
too fast."
Barbara Cooper: "And once it does, it has a ring."
One Day at a Time

"A woman is like an appendix...she's something a man is better off without."
Popeye,
The Popeye Cartoon Show

"A dame is like a bottle of milk...if she hangs around long enough, she turns sour."
Bluto,
The Popeye Cartoon Show

"It's been proven through history that wimmin's a mystery."
Popeye,
The Popeye Cartoon Show

WORDPLAY
"Claustrophobia? It's a dreadful fear of Santa Claus."
Vinnie Barbarino,
Welcome Back, Kotter

"You said, 'but.' I've put my finger on the whole trouble. You're a 'but' man. Don't say 'but.' That little
word 'but' is the difference between success and failure. Henry Ford said, 'I'm going to invent the auto-
mobile,' and Arthur T. Flanken said, 'But--.' Now we watch Fords go by. Did you ever watch an Arthur
T. Flanken go by? Did you?"
Sgt. Ernie Bilko,
The Phil Silvers Show

Henry: "We love the ambience of Mel's Diner."
Customer: "What's ambience?"
Vera: "That's what they pick you up in after you've eaten Mel's food."
Alice

WORK
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company."
Lily Tomlin,
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

THE END
"Now it's time to say goodbye to all our company..."
The Mouseketeers,
The Mickey Mouse Club

"It's over. It's done. It's yesterday's mashed potatoes."
Larry Appleton,
Perfect Strangers

"Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you."
Roy Rogers,
The Roy Rogers Show

"May the good fairy sprinkle stardust on your bippy."
Dick Martin,
Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In

Primetime Proverbs: The Book of TV Quotes (1989)

[O.K. Here's a bonus quote not in the book ....]

"If George Washington had surrendered at Valley Forge, today we would be speaking English."
Jonathan (Mudsy) Muddlemore,
The Funky Phantom

Ohio8 · 11-19-2005, 12:40 PM

FAMILY
Friends/Chandler: "What did I marry into?"
Beavis and Butt-head/Butt-head: "...'I'm a slut, and my son's a dumba**.' Next Montell."

Ohio8 · 12-01-2005, 02:16 PM

The Andy Griffith Show/Andy: "Bar-ney!"
S&S/Fred (on phone): "That's s-a-n,f-o-r-d, period."
Leave it to Beaver/Miss Canfield: "Theodore.." Beaver: "My name's Beaver." Miss Canfield: "beaver? Is that your given name?" Beaver: "Yes ma'am. (pause) My brother gave it to me."
* * * *
WAR
M*A*S*H/Hawkeye (looking at camera): "Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it."
B.J. (to interviewer): "I'm working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition."
* * 8
LAW & ORDER
TAGS/Barney: "There's only two kinds of cops.....the quick, and the dead."
B&B/Butt-head (to Beavis): "Shut up or I'll kick your a**."
* * *
MEDICINE
M*A*S*H/B.J. (to interviewer): "The nurses here are preposterous." Klinger (to interviewer/about nurses): "They give back life. Can you do better?"

11-06-2005, 03:15 PM	#1
tv star collector I Love Susie Forum 4000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 18, 2005 Location: South Carolina Posts: 4,487	One Last Batch of TV Quotes SPORTS Lois Lane [mooning over Superman]: "Clark, does spring mean anything to you?" Clark Kent: "Baseball." Lois: "Do you think spring means anything to Superman?" Clark: "He doesn't have time for baseball!" The Adventures of Superman SUCCESS AND FAILURE "If you're going to be a failure, you might as well be a success at it." Bud Anderson, Father Knows Best SUPERSTITION "How can I have so much bad luck with four horseshoes?" Mister Ed, Mister Ed TAXES "The government comes for the regular people first." Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show "Even if you're a baby with money the government takes it away from you." Wally Cleaver, Leave It to Beaver Mr. Drysdale: "It's that time again--time to pay income taxes." Jed Clampett: "Oh, good. Let's give 'em a little extry this year. I can't spend all the money I've got." The Beverly Hillbillies TEETH Andy Taylor: "Ready for bed?" Opie Taylor: Yes, Pa." Andy: "Brush your teeth?" Opie: "Just feel how wet the toothbrush is." Andy: "I want to tell you a little story. One time, a long time ago, there was this little fella and he never brushed his teeth. Now, you may not believe this, but all he'd do is wet his toothbrush. To him, it was a right funny joke. Every time he thought about it, he'd smile. And then, one day, he quit smilin.' Never smiled again the rest of his days." Opie: "Why didn't he smile anymore?" Andy: "He's too embarrassed. He didn't have any teeth." Opie: "Oh." Andy: "Where are you going?" Opie: "Guess I'll go brush my teeth again." The Andy Griffith Show TELEVISION "Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it." Alfred Hitchcock, Alfred Hitchcock Presents "It's just plain foolishness, squattin' all day in front of a little black box, starin' bleary-eyed at people who ain't more than two inches high. It's a passin' fancy, I tell you, like buggy whips and high button shoes." Grandpa Amos McCoy, The Real McCoys "No wonder they call television a medium; it's so seldom rare or well-done." Mighty Mouse, The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse "Imitation is the sincerest form of television." Mighty Mouse, The New Adventures of Mighty Mouse "There's a standard formula for success in the entertainment medium, and that is: Beat it to death if it succeeds." Ernie Kovacs, The Ernie Kovacs Show Micky Dolenz: "So this is the world of television." Peter Tork: "That's funny; it doesn't look like a vast wasteland." The Monkees Eddie Munster: "Isn't anything real here?" TV Producer: "Real? This is television!: The Munsters THINKING "It takes a smart man to know he's stupid." Barney Rubble, The Flintstones TRUST "I got nothin' against mankind. It's people I don't trust." Archie Bunker, All in the Family WAR "Go to war. Keep the world safe for hypocrisy." Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In A WOMAN'S WORK "Perhaps crimefighting is better left to the men, Batgirl, perhaps not. But this isn't exactly women's work." Batman, Batman [Ozzie Nelson has been spending a lot of his time as a volunteer fireman.] Harriet Nelson: "You know, if they let women in the fire department, then I'd see more of you." Ozzie Nelson: "Are you kidding? You gals take too long to dress." Harriet: "Oh, I don't know--we can be pretty quick." Ozzie: "By the time you got your makeup on, the fire'd be out." The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet WOMEN Dwayne Schneider: "A woman is like a bathtub full of water--once you get it hot, it doesn't cool off too fast." Barbara Cooper: "And once it does, it has a ring." One Day at a Time "A woman is like an appendix...she's something a man is better off without." Popeye, The Popeye Cartoon Show "A dame is like a bottle of milk...if she hangs around long enough, she turns sour." Bluto, The Popeye Cartoon Show "It's been proven through history that wimmin's a mystery." Popeye, The Popeye Cartoon Show WORDPLAY "Claustrophobia? It's a dreadful fear of Santa Claus." Vinnie Barbarino, Welcome Back, Kotter "You said, 'but.' I've put my finger on the whole trouble. You're a 'but' man. Don't say 'but.' That little word 'but' is the difference between success and failure. Henry Ford said, 'I'm going to invent the auto- mobile,' and Arthur T. Flanken said, 'But--.' Now we watch Fords go by. Did you ever watch an Arthur T. Flanken go by? Did you?" Sgt. Ernie Bilko, The Phil Silvers Show Henry: "We love the ambience of Mel's Diner." Customer: "What's ambience?" Vera: "That's what they pick you up in after you've eaten Mel's food." Alice WORK "We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company." Lily Tomlin, Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In THE END "Now it's time to say goodbye to all our company..." The Mouseketeers, The Mickey Mouse Club "It's over. It's done. It's yesterday's mashed potatoes." Larry Appleton, Perfect Strangers "Until we meet again, may the good Lord take a liking to you." Roy Rogers, The Roy Rogers Show "May the good fairy sprinkle stardust on your bippy." Dick Martin, Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In Primetime Proverbs: The Book of TV Quotes (1989) [O.K. Here's a bonus quote not in the book ....] "If George Washington had surrendered at Valley Forge, today we would be speaking English." Jonathan (Mudsy) Muddlemore, The Funky Phantom

11-19-2005, 12:40 PM	#2
Ohio8 Member Forum Star Join Date: Jul 29, 2003 Location: Wherever you aren't. Posts: 18,967	FAMILY Friends/Chandler: "What did I marry into?" Beavis and Butt-head/Butt-head: "...'I'm a slut, and my son's a dumba**.' Next Montell."

12-01-2005, 02:16 PM	#3
Ohio8 Member Forum Star Join Date: Jul 29, 2003 Location: Wherever you aren't. Posts: 18,967	The Andy Griffith Show/Andy: "Bar-ney!" S&S/Fred (on phone): "That's s-a-n,f-o-r-d, period." Leave it to Beaver/Miss Canfield: "Theodore.." Beaver: "My name's Beaver." Miss Canfield: "beaver? Is that your given name?" Beaver: "Yes ma'am. (pause) My brother gave it to me." * * * * WAR MASH/Hawkeye (looking at camera): "Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it." B.J. (to interviewer): "I'm working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition." * 8 LAW & ORDER TAGS/Barney: "There's only two kinds of cops.....the quick, and the dead." B&B/Butt-head (to Beavis): "Shut up or I'll kick your a*." * * MEDICINE MASH*/B.J. (to interviewer): "The nurses here are preposterous." Klinger (to interviewer/about nurses): "They give back life. Can you do better?"