Still More TV Quotes

[tv star collector]

THE NATURE OF MAN
"There is a growing tendency to think of Man as a rational being, which is absurd. There is simply no
evidence of any intelligence on the earth."
Marvin Martian,
The Bugs Bunny Show

Mr. Spock: "May I point out that I had an opportunity to observe your counterparts...quite closely.
They were brutal, savage, unprincipled, uncivilized, treacherous--in every way, splendid examples of
Homo Sapiens. The very flower of humanity. I found them quite refreshing."
Captain Kirk [to Dr. McCoy]: "I'm not sure, but I think we've been insulted."
Star Trek

NEVER SAY NEVER
"Never ever pick a fight,
'Cause it never ever proves who's right."
The Howdy Doody Show

NEW YORK CITY
Barney Miller: "I'm sure getting robbed at knifepoint and spending half the night up here wasn't exactly
what you had in mind when you decided to visit New York."
Lady: "Well, it was better than seeing Annie."
Barney Miller

Victim: "You know, I watched all those 'I Love New York' commercials back in Youngstown--with all the
Broadway actors singing and dancing--they're so exciting and colorful. But they never mention the people
with knives."
Det. Ron Harris: "Well, they only have a minute."
Barney Miller

THE NEWS
"When a boy tells a lie, it can cause trouble; but when a newspaper tells a lie, it can cause more than
trouble. People are liable to find the newspaper a hundred years from now and believe it."
Wyatt Earp,
The Life and Legend of Wyatt Earp

NUCLEAR WAR
Agent 99: "Oh, Max, what a terrible weapon of destruction."
Maxwell Smart: "Yes. You know, China, Russia, and France should outlaw all nuclear weapons. We
should insist on it."
99: "What if they won't, Max?"
Smart: "Then we may have to blast them. That's the only way to keep peace in the world."
Get Smart

"These kind people are working on a missile which in time of trouble is going to solve all our problems by
blowing up the world."
Herman Munster,
The Munsters

PARENTS
Jennifer Keaton: "I hate it when Mom and Dad fight---it makes me nervous."
Mallory Keaton: "Me, too. It's terrible."
Alex Keaton: "These fights are natural. It happens once every few years--it's very cleansing. Let me tell
you something. At times like this when they fight, they're off balance--they need support. And they're
going to be looking to us, their children, for validation and love. They're very vulnerable. It's a perfect
time to hit them up for gifts."
Family Ties

POETRY
"Life is real, life is earnest,
If you're cold, turn up the furnace."
Herman Munster,
The Munsters

"Fair or foul weather,
We must all stick together."
Underdog,
The Underdog Show

POLITICS
Agent 99: "Couldn't we just ask the government for help?"
Maxwell Smart: "We just can't go running to them every time we have a little problem."
99: "Well, what about Congress, Max--they could put in a special appropriation."
Max: "Well, how long would that take?"
99: "Three months."
Max: "Well, what if it was an emergency?"
99: "Four months."
Get Smart

POVERTY
Sgt. Ernie Bilko: "You got a raise to forty-two dollars a week and you've been with them nineteen years?"
Twinhazy: "Next year I get a gold watch."
Bilko: "So you can time the hunger pains?"
The Phil Silvers Show

PRACTICAL ADVICE
"When you want something done, go to the busy man. He's the one who'll find time to do it."
Jim Anderson,
Father Knows Best

PRIDE
Ralph Kramden: "I promise you this, Norton. I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from here on in how to
swallow my pride."
Ed Norton: "That ought not to be too hard. You've learned how to swallow everything else."
The Honeymooners

PRISON
Big Mike: "While I was in solitary, I spent a lotta time thinkin'. I did a lot of thinkin'. I thought about
the walls...the bars...the guards with the guns. You know what I figured out?"
Other Con: "What?"
Big Mike: "We're in prison."
Your Show of Shows

THE PYRAMIDS
"Can you imagine pilin' up all them rocks just to bury yourself?"
Hoss Cartwright,
Bonanza

READING
Miss Hathaway: "Do you like Kipling?"
Jethro Bodine: "I don't know--I ain't never kippled."
The Beverly Hillbillies

"You know something? If you couldn't read, you couldn't look up what was on television?"
Beaver Cleaver,
Leave It to Beaver

"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book--it makes a very
poor doorstop."
Alfred Hitchcock,
Alfred Hitchcock Presents

"Wilbur, beat me, take away my food, my water, my TV, but don't take away my comic books."
Mister Ed,
Mister Ed

THE RICH
Mrs. Fenwick: "Your banker tells me you're worth forty million dollars. Why do you drive around in that
truck and dress as you do and eat grits and hog jowls?"
Jed Clampett: "Well, the way I look at it, Widow, if ya got it, spend it!"
The Beverly Hillbillies

ROMANCE
"In that great furnace known as romance, your pilot light's gone out."
Grandpa,
The Munsters

SHOPPING
Mallory Keaton: "I don't go to the mall that much."
Alex Keaton: "Mallory, the mannequins wave at you."
Family Ties

SPORTS
"I never play horseshoes, 'cause Mother taught us not to throw our clothes around."
Mister Ed,
Mister Ed

Primetime Proverbs: The Book of TV Quotes (1989)

[Ohio8]

POLITICS
S&S/Fred (to Lamont): "I need that group like Richard Nixon needs a tape deck."
M*A*S*H/Charles: "I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat."

[Ohio8]

THE TRUTH
The Beverly Hillbillies/Jed: "Is that a fact." (to Granny): "You hear that Granny?" Granny: "Yeah. And I still don't believe it."
* * *
TALK,TALK
M*A*S*H/Col. Potter: "I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife."