Fave Quote

[Brett Ferino]

What is it and why?

[Lissa]

Okay, I don't know exactly how it went, but it was something like this:

Rosanne: You're not normal,Darlene. You dress funny, you're weird, and you're too damn start for your own good.

''cardboard it does a body good''-DJ

[shocolah]

Roseanne: *Bitch, bitch, bitch! That's all you ever ARE !*

and one that went something like *I wish I could stuff your
ears in your pockets so you could hear me kicking your
butt*

[Will and Grace Fanatic]

a quote from the pilot episode, I think it went like this:

Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.


Also this quote:

Dan: You know girls always go for guys that remind them of their fathers.

Roseanne: Not if they listen to their mothers.

[flagler]

I have so many. I don't know the exact words but when Roseanne is accusing Darlene of having sex with David.

Darlene: Why would I do it with you guys in the next room?

Roseanne: Why not, you could be real quiet

Darlene: Really? you can't

Roseanne: You mean you can here us?

Darlene: I had to tell David you were moving furniture you were so loud

Also when D.J asks about birth control

D.J: So do you use birth control

Darlene: Yes D.J we keep a picture of you next to our bed

[Superbatboy]

Roseanne and Jackie are talking about Jackie's new boyfriend.


Jackie: Well Roseanne he doesn't even know me

Roseanne: Well maybe that's because you've been acting like Gidget on an aphrodesiac for the past 3 weeks

[garrettgam]

from "Roseanne" Season 4 | Episode 73 | "A Bitter Pill To Swallow"

Crystal, Roseanne's friend and Dan's Father's new wife, comes over, complaining that her child keeps her up at all hours of the morning. She tells Roseanne that she has even tried the washing machine. Darlene takes it the wrong way and asks "You put him in the washing machine?" Crystal tells her that the vibrations from the washing machine are supposed to soothe the baby to sleep. Roseanne tells Darlene:

"Yeah, you know when you were a baby, we couldn't afford a washing machine so, I had to take you down to the river and beat ya against a rock."

[natalierocks]

but I think my all-time favorite is something like:

Dan: Face it, we're screwed. (His drywall job fell through.)

Roseanne: Dan, we are so far beyond screwed that the LIGHT from screwed will take one million years to reach the earth!

[iloveTV]

My favorite quote goes something like this: (Not word for word.)

The girls keep staying out past curfew and Roseanne and Dan keep grounding them but it doesn't work. So they decide to stay out late to prove a point to the girls. Jackie comes over to get them riled up. Just when she's got them really worried they realize what she's doing.

Becky: Well, I'm calling the cops.
Jackie: No, no...we can't do that...
Becky: Why? They could be missing.
Jackie: The police don't like that. I mean you have to be missing 24 hours.
Becky: Oh. Well, what if they're dead?
Jackie: Let's not get hysterical.
Darlene: THEY'RE DEAD!
Both girls start holding eachother and fake crying. Then they ask Jackie if she'll adopt them.
Jackie: You are horrible girls.
They start singing "The sun will come out tomorrow..."
Later on Jackie is telling them that curfew is a way for Roseanne and Dan to tell them that they love them.
Becky: I curfew you, Darlene.
Darlene: I curfew you, too, Becky.

If anybody knows the exact words on that please post them.

[Cashodeen]

You basically got all the exact words as far as I can remember. I do recall some other bits during the discussion of the missing persons thing.

I can't remember when exactly but about the time Becky is going to dial the police she says, "...let's face it, even mom and dad can't eat dinner for four hours."

While they are fake crying, they say stuff I really can't make out, and the close captioning didn't pick it up. They talk about their parents being ran over by a big truck, and Darlene goes "squish squish, squish squish."

And I always had trouble understanding the "cerfew" part but I read the close caption and it showed them saying "I cerfew Darlene" "I cerfew too Beck." (because I guess they meant for cerfew to be "love you" combined.)

And at the end jackie yells at them calling them "rotten, rotten kids" as the run up the stares laughing.

Anyway, that's about it. Love that episode.

[BingAling889]

My FAVORITE quote...funniest line EVER in any sitcom I'e ever seen so far, was in the episode where Roseanne and Jackie's father died, and Jacky was on the phone to tell...on of their relatives (all I can think of is Nana Mary, but I recall hearing something like Aunt....) that their father has passed, and the other perosn is obviosly near-deaf.

(Since I don't know the name, I'll just use Nana Mary)

JACKIE: Um..Nana Mary...I have some bad news.
(pause)
JACKIE: No, some BAD NEWS......dad has passed away.
(pause)
JACKIE: He's PASSED AWAY.
(pause)
JACKIE: DAD HAS DIED.
(pause)
JACKIE: DAD IS DEAD!
(pause)
JACKIE: HE'S PASSED AWAY!
(hysterical)
JACKIE: HE'S PASSED AWAY! HE'S PASSED AWAY! DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S PASSED AWAY!
(pause)
JACKIE: NO, HE'S FINE! HE SENDS YOU HIS LOVE!
(hangs up)

------
I probably didn't get most of that right, but you get the idea.

[BingAling889]

Some other favorite quotes;

*Molly and Darlene are in the concert parking lot*

MOLLY: You already have David, Darlene. I'm still looking for Mr. Right.
DARLENE: And aren't we lucky to be in a parking lot with a bunch of drunk losers...I'm sure it won't be hard to find that white stallion!
------
*Mark and Beky return home after eloping*

BECKY: Where's mom?
DARLENE: She's in the kitchen...with the knives...
MARK: I'd better go in and talk to her.
DARLENE: ...with the knives...
-----
*Nancy has come out of the closet*

DAN: Well, did she tell you?
ROSEANNE: No. we just saw the I'M A BIG 'OL DYKE bumper sticker on the back of her truck!!
-----
*Becky is leaving with Mark*

BECKY: Well, I guess this is it...
DARLENE: I'll miss you.
BECKY: Take care, Darlene.
DARLENE: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
BECKY: You are the wind beneath my wings...
ROSEANE: Alright, you two...
DARLENE: See ya', bubble-butt.
BECKY: Later, Morticia...

[Crimson and Clover]

Roseanne to Darlene

"All human beings connect sex and love-except men"

[Dennis]

The funniest one I can think of right now goes something like this:


DJ: Darlene I have a Question
Darlene: I told you DJ, you were put into this family as a science experiment. Soon youll be able to go back to the jungle to tell the others what youve learned.