DVD Critics Corner - Long Historical Boring Movie Edition

[TJL]

Good morning students!

Since it’s that time of year when the younglings return to school for another fun filled year of pointless rituals and humiliation, I thought it would be a lark if we all break out our number twos and take this multiple choice quiz about my most recent DVD rental.

So class, put away the Glocks and Gameboys and let’s get started…

I chose to rent the movie “Alexander” because:
A)I enjoy historical dramas.
B)It’s filled with epic battle scenes.
C)All the copies of “Ice Princess” were taken.

Alexander The Great:
A)Led his armies across Asia against the Persians
B)Dreamed of uniting all countries and spreading Greek culture across the globe.
C)Was gay.
D)And apparently wore more eyeliner than Avril Lavinge.

The movie stars Colin Farrell, and he:
A)Plays Alexander with the charisma and passion of a real life King
B)Does an outstanding job of portraying Alexander’s conflicted sexual identity.
C)Is another reason why we shouldn’t let the Irish into the United States.

Angelina Jolie:
A)Portrays Olympias, Alexander’s scheming Mother
B)Is only a year older than her onscreen son, Colin Farrell.
C)Adopted 6,000 children during the filming of this movie.

As King Philip, co-star Val Kilmer:
A)Teaches Alexander the sad truths about ruling an Empire
B)Reminds us of when he used to be in good movies, like “Real Genius” or “Willow.”
C)Yeah, “Willow” was cool, with that two headed dragon and that kid who played the Ewok.
D)I think I’m the only person who liked “The Saint.” I don’t know why, I just liked that movie.

While watching this movie I learned:
A)Alexander was a great battlefield leader, but a flawed man.
B)The Greeks had no problem with gays in the military.
C)That jar of olives I just ate from the fridge was there since the Clinton Administration, and I should call poison control immediately.
D)I can sleep with my eyes open.

The films director Oliver Stone:
A)Has wanted to tell the story of Alexander The Great for 14 years
B)Works very hard to bring as much accuracy as possible to his historical films.
C)Needs to do a movie about the worldwide conspiracy that somehow allows him to keep pissing millions of dollars away on overly long boring epics like “Alexander.”
D)Sucks and blows.
E)All of the above.

Next time students we’ll view “Red Dawn” and “Steel Dawn” and discuss the cinematic legacy that is Patrick Swayze.

[Pitooey]

What happened to Oliver stone?

I hated this movie...

[Janice]

You're right. Alexander sucked.

C)That jar of olives I just ate from the fridge was there since the Clinton Administration, and I should call poison control immediately.

[TJL]

I don't know what went wrong with Oliver Stone either, but he really struck out with this one.

A major league turkey here.

[Cactus Jack]