The Joke Thread

[Janice]

I'm thinking it might be a good idea to put our jokes on one thread.

Okay, I'll start, with the lamest joke imaginable...


A pair of jumping cables go into a bar, and the bartender looks at them and says, "I'll serve you. Just don't start anything."

[James"Thunder"Early]

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

[Janice]

Sorry about the all caps. I got this in an e:mail.
--------------------------------------------

Written by Retired Man...

WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.

I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES. WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET. I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"

HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.

SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.

THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM, THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.

I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.

I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED. IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.

[Chelsea]

True Stuff:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:...

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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
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After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
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From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest FlightXXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
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In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more."
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"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
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Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
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"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
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"Last one off the plane must clean it."
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And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

________
Gathered from an internet website, with a twist: I was on a flight in which each and every one of the things in blue were said, I kid you not. (And, FWIW, at least in my case, XXX to YYY was Baltimore to Nashville)

[Janice]

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like
it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old
ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry
in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

[Cactus Jack]

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for
elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the
school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert
and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first
stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the
door and said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The
girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He
said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that
her name was Pattie also.

Then a boy got on the bus and saud "Hi my name's Ross, people say Im special"

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there.
The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or
socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because
of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new
bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is
Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school
house, nearly driving the driver crazy. He goes back to the school the the next day and the principal asked him how his first day was
The man replied:

"Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking
Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

[Cactus Jack]

Has anyone heard this one?

There was this guy who just got a new job as a school bus driver for
elementary school children. He thought it would be nice to paint the
school bus with characters from Sesame Street. So, he painted Bert
and Ernie, Big Bird, The Cookie Monster and so forth. At his first
stop, there was this very over-weight little girl. He opened the
door and said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The
girl said that her name was Pattie.

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He
said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that
her name was Pattie also.

Then a boy got on the bus and saud "Hi my name's Ross, people say Im special"

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there.
The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or
socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because
of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new
bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is
Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the school
house, nearly driving the driver crazy. He goes back to the school the the next day and the principal asked him how his first day was
The man replied:

"Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking
Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

lollll

How many Tom Cruises does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NONE cause lightbulbs is a psuedo science!!!1

[Cactus Jack]

Originally Posted by *Pleasant Tomorrow*

lollll

How many Tom Cruises does it take to screw in a light bulb?

NONE cause lightbulbs is a psuedo science!!!1

What do you get when you corss Tom Cruise with coffee


*see his appearanc e on Oprah*