The Best of Conan's Monolouge May 24-27 2005

[Cactus Jack]

In Illinois, a man wearing a Darth Vader mask robbed a movie theater. Police said they could tell he was a 'Star Wars' fan because after the holdup, he jumped into his parent's getaway car."



"This week the Senate finally reached a compromise to allow President Bush's candidates to be voted on without a filibuster. In a related story, President Bush still thinks a filibuster is a chocolate-covered peanut bar."



"A major pharmaceutical company is working on a new drug that will prevent men from experiencing premature ejaculation. The drug is called whiskey."



"Ken Jennings, the guy who won $2 million on 'Jeopardy,' is getting his own game show called, 'Can You Beat Ken.' In a related story, before he became famous, Jennings used to beat Ken all the time."



"It's been reported that the 'E' Network is thinking about replacing Star Jones with Joan Rivers on their red carpet shows. Star is reportedly disappointed but the carpet is thrilled."



"There is a rumor going around that if Michael Jackson is acquitted he's going to move to Europe. When asked why, Michael said, 'Three words ? Vienna Boy's Choir.'"



"Tonight was the season finale of 'American Idol' where the home viewers chose between Bo Bice and Carrie Underwood. We tape early and we don't know who won so, either way, I'd just like to say, 'Congratulations, hillbilly.'"



"The defense finally rested in the Michael Jackson case. One of the last witnesses was Michael's maid. The maid testified her job was to go into Michael's bedroom every night and leave a chocolate mint on the 10-year-old."



"Earlier today police in Georgia indicted 'Runaway Bride' Jennifer Wilbanks for lying to police. Reportedly, Wilbanks was so shocked by the indictment, her eyes became normal."



"In a recent interview, Britney Spears said she had to get rid of her dog because it didn't get along with her husband Kevin Federline. Apparently, he would just sit around all day licking himself and so would the dog."



"In a new interview, Teri Hatcher said that she will pose for 'Playboy' if they her $10 million dollars. In a related story, Star Jones said she'd pose for 'Playboy' unless they paid her $10 million dollars."



"'American Idol' came to an end last night and some critics say this was the worst group of singers in the show's history. After hearing this Paula Abdul said, 'Not only that they were lousy in bed.'"



"Last night's season finale of 'American Idol' featured a special appearance by Kenny G. Apparently, the idea was to make the losers feel better about themselves."



"The paperback edition of former President Clinton's memoir was just released and in it President Clinton writes that the hardcover version may have been too long. Clinton admits his mistake in a new 200-page introduction."



"Last night Ken Jennings lost Jeopardy's 'Ultimate Tournament of Champions.' Not surprisingly the question he lost on was 'Have you ever seen a naked woman?'"



"Media watchdogs are outraged over a new Carl's Jr. ad that features a bikini-clad Paris Hilton hosing down a car while eating a burger. The ad is racy but not as offensive as the ads Paris did for Oscar Meyer wieners."



"Carrie Underwood, this year's 'American Idol' winner, announced she's broken up with her childhood sweetheart from Oklahoma. Underwood said that even though they're no longer dating, they will remain cousins."



"Earlier today, President Bush was scheduled to give the commencement address at the U.S. Naval Academy. There was a mix-up and Bush gave a 20-minute speech to the employees at an Old Navy."



"According to People Magazine, 62% of Americans think the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes relationship is a stunt. In response, Cruise said, 'I can assure you, Katie and I will love each other 'til the day our movies come out.'"



"The Food and Drug Administration is investigating new claims that taking Viagra can make a person go blind. Apparently, if you take too much Viagra, you could poke your own eye out."



"This week, U.S. border agents discovered more than 900,000 dollars worth of cocaine hidden inside a shipment of bananas. Police are currently questioning a jittery chimp driving a Ferrari."



"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, the judge was forced to look at photos of Michael Jackson's penis. Which marks the first time an adult has ever seen Michael's penis."

[Number 9 Dream]

[JoJoJoJoJoJoJoJoJo]

good stuff

[Janet McFarland]

Ahaha I love Conan

[Cactus Jack]

Me too, and plus he mentioned Carrie which was more awesome Conan is hilarious