problems w/ parents

[MsOrange]

Just a question for anyone that has been in a similar situations.

I usually dont make posts about stuff like this, but anway, theres a first time for anything.

OK, heres' my story: I am going to be getting married March of next year. Now it was quite an accomplisment to get my mother to the point where she was somewhat happy and content with this idea. Anyway, I am getting a 2 year degree from a local college. After we have children, anywhere from 2-5 years after we get married, just depends, I want to go to either part time, or stay at home until they start school.

Me and my mom are complete oposites: she says I need to pop 'em out and drop them in day care and go on w/ my life, live it for me, excell in my job, make big bucks.

I want to raise a family and have my children remember when they get older that there mother was always there for them, from the littlest things to the biggest things. As long as my family has enough money to live comfortably, I am fine w/ not being the next millionaire. I want my family to always know they came first and my job comes second.

Now Jonathan, my fiance, is behind me 100%, he will support me in whatever decision I make.

I really like the part time job idea once we have kids--but of course I know I will hear it from my folks about how i'm "throwing my life away" and "not living up to my potential"

Now I won't have to cross this bridge for quite a while--but all the same, it still worries me.

I realize that once me adn Jonathan get married any decision we make are between me and him-not my parents. And My mom keeps saying "it's ya'ls decision", but I know she won't keep her trap shut.

Anyway, anyone been in such a situation? or anyone out there that can bear advice?

[dawsongirl]

I'm with you 100% too. I don't like the idea of other people raising my children. When I was a baby/toddler, my mom stayed home with me, even though at the time my dad was sick and unable to work. But it was important to her to be there and I appreciate it. After I got in school, she went and worked part time too.

I haven't been in the situation (well, my dad deep down thinks I'm wasting my life by only working part time now so I'd hate to see what he thought if I were married with children), but I'd just try to explain to her how much it means to you to be there for your kids and how much you really don't care about money.

[Max Whittaker]

It sounds to me that you've got a solid plan in mind and you're happy about it. Your fiancé appears to be very supportive.

Your mother's opinion should certainly matter to you. But in the end, it's your decision and it's your life.

Good luck!

[Rebel Queen 1980]

I really don't see anything with your decision.I mean you could even go to
work later on if you decide to stay after you have kids.I feel the same
way you do!, Parent's can't wait until you grow up and live on your own,
but still they wanna make decisions for you!

[TripperFan]

I'm FULLY behind YOU on this one!
I will never judge a woman who wants a career and children, but I know if I had been able to have kids, I would not have worked until they were in school - and even then, probably just parttime.
I think the last generation (yours actually) for the most part, got screwed out of not having a mom at home for them. It makes a HUGE difference (for starters, I wouldn't have been molested for 6 years starting at the age of 5). I think its really important to spend the time and be there with them for a really good foundation. I was stressed to the max as it was by the age of 40 - I can't imagine doing what I did with a career and having children and doing both to the best of my ability.
You stick to your guns. Its your life - not your mother's. Tell her, thanks for the advice, but I am an adult now and will live my life as I choose.
And I would certainly wait a few years (I always said 5 also) before bringing children into the factor. Give yourself and your hubby time to settle in, get used to a routine that works for the both of you and then consider kids. The first year or so of marriage can be stressful enough without bringing kids into it.
Hope everything works out well and your mother will support you in whatever you decide. Good luck bitch (inside joke)!!

[Courtnee]

Originally Posted by MsOrange

Just a question for anyone that has been in a similar situations.

I usually dont make posts about stuff like this, but anway, theres a first time for anything.

OK, heres' my story: I am going to be getting married March of next year. Now it was quite an accomplisment to get my mother to the point where she was somewhat happy and content with this idea. Anyway, I am getting a 2 year degree from a local college. After we have children, anywhere from 2-5 years after we get married, just depends, I want to go to either part time, or stay at home until they start school.

Me and my mom are complete oposites: she says I need to pop 'em out and drop them in day care and go on w/ my life, live it for me, excell in my job, make big bucks.

I want to raise a family and have my children remember when they get older that there mother was always there for them, from the littlest things to the biggest things. As long as my family has enough money to live comfortably, I am fine w/ not being the next millionaire. I want my family to always know they came first and my job comes second.

Now Jonathan, my fiance, is behind me 100%, he will support me in whatever decision I make.

I really like the part time job idea once we have kids--but of course I know I will hear it from my folks about how i'm "throwing my life away" and "not living up to my potential"

Now I won't have to cross this bridge for quite a while--but all the same, it still worries me.

I realize that once me adn Jonathan get married any decision we make are between me and him-not my parents. And My mom keeps saying "it's ya'ls decision", but I know she won't keep her trap shut.

Anyway, anyone been in such a situation? or anyone out there that can bear advice?

i back you up 110%! my mother pretty much let the day care centers rasie me when i was 2 untill i was 5.

[Mijada]

I agree with your decision 100%. I plan on doing the exact same thing after my wedding this fall and my fiance supports me as well. I see no point in bringing a child into this world just to have other people raise it. It doesn't make sense to me. I understand in some cases, single moms etc, there is no other alternative but daycare. But in your situation where you and your husband to be are financially able to live on a single income (or you working part time, which is what I plan on doing too) I think that is wonderful and your children will be very fortunate. If you choose to stay home and raise a family, you will certainly NOT be throwing your life away. The best thing anyone can do in this life is raise their kids right imo. It's such a hard job. Anyone who chooses not to have children and focus on a career instead, that is fine too but I've never been one to believe that a career and motherhood go together very well. I just wish your mom could see your viewpoint and support you. Regardless of what she thinks, it is your decision to make and whatever that decision will be, your mom will just have to live with it.

[TripperFan]

That's what I always say - why do you have children, so that you can put them in daycare and let someone else raise them?! I had a girlfriend who had two kids in daycare. She sat down one day and looked at her earnings, then what they were putting out on daycare each month, and the fast foods they were eating because she barely had time to get off work, rush to pickup the kids and get home (then as they get older, you've got their after school activities to deal with). Turns out that they were better off financially with her quitting the job, no longer paying for daycare, and buying more nutricious, less expensive foods. She didn't need the wardrobe the same, or gas and wear and tear on the car as much and it was a real money-saver. Plus, she was there for her children.
To me, you wouldn't buy a dog so that it could spend most of its time at a kennel, and only a couple of hours with you in the evening. Why then would you do that with a human being?!
Motherhood has to be the toughest, most rewarding job on earth! Its crazy to think that molding and guiding your children is throwing your life away!!!
I think the feminists went a little too far in the late 60s/early 70s and dug themselves into a hole that they're not fully ready to admit was not as pleasant as they thought it was going to be. Now women are dying of heart disease at the same rate as men - where does that come from?! Has to be working outside of the home. Believe me, the corporate world wants every piece of you - I'd rather give every piece of myself to my own children rather than some middle-aged, overweight boss who when it comes right down to it, could care less about you other than you getting the job done.
I know my husband loves it now that I'm home, and I've spoken with many different guys of all ages, and they secretly feel that if a woman feels the way you do - THAT'S the girl they want to marry! Go for it!
Hey - June Cleaver, Donna Reed, Carol Brady, Shirley Partridge and Mrs. C. can't all be wrong!!

[*MIBabe03*]

Your decision sounds fine. I was in the daycare system until I was 12. It was one of those things growing up that I didn't resent. I knew that my mom and dad loved me. My mom was still there for me. Anytime we had a field trip or I had a choir concert, or if I needed to talk to her, she was there for me. I'm glad that my mom works and works hard. She has proved to my younger sister and I that you can be successful in making money and also raising a family.

[Penny Lane]

Please if you have kids raise them! I hate the thought of Daycare! But my husband had a steady job and was able to provide for our family. I just cannot stand the thought of anybody but the parents raising the the kids! I have a motto......................."if you have chidren raise them!" Don't leave it to strangers! I am very stern on this subject! Please................ I was raised by my parents and the thought of strangers raising me is scary and unthinkable! Your children are the most important thing and they need you! Not some daycare person who has no personal interest in your child. It is so important that you raise your own kids! I always had a home and a Mom to come home to at the end of my day and I am so so grateful for that! And I did that for my own kids. When they got home from school supper was always waiting for them. In fact my son still talks about that today that he could always be assured that he would have a Mom and a hot meal ready for him when he came home from school. It provides a constancy and order in their lives. I had it and I wanted my children to have it.
Sorry to sound so "preachy" but I really believe in this!

[MsOrange]

oh how i love you all!!

can i give you my mothers address and have you send her annonymus emails?!??!

[TripperFan]

Originally Posted by MsOrange

oh how i love you all!!

can i give you my mothers address and have you send her annonymus emails?!??!

Just let me know where to write Girl!!!


Oh yeah - btw - research has shown that children absorb the most, learn the most and set their personalities by the age of 3. By the age of 6, its ingrained. Don't you want YOUR influence on them during this most important time?
Yes, it's great to have a career, but take it from someone who had it happen to them - I focused on career first for too long (you get greedy) and before I realized it, I was getting too old. Apparently this is happening with a lot of women. Then they have to take the fertility meds and procedures, etc..
I think getting your dipolma, working for a bit, then starting the family within 5 years is ideal. Try to keep your hand in it (if you can) while you're off. Maybe you can do something parttime from home. Who knows what's going to be possible in just a few years!
And after all this, if mom still hounds, get her on Dr. Phil! He'll tell her!

[vienna waits]

Just because someone watches your kids during the day doesn't mean that someone else is "raising them." My aunt watched me during the day and I turned out just fine. Some parents don't have the financial means for mom to be at home. Different things work for different families. If mom wants to and is able to stay home, that's great. However, I don't think that the working mom should be berated for her choice. I think it's highly sexist of women to say that other women HAVE to stay home. Why is that she's being a "bad mom" by working? Isn't dad being a "bad dad" by the same token? Gender roles like that are so 1950's. Well, in theory at least. Anyways, I think either decision is fine. I just hate the idea of women only staying home because that's simply what they're supposed to do. I want a wife in the future who will make the decision based upon her own personal feelings-- not outdated societal standards.

[TripperFan]

Nobody on this thread ever berated women for working. (Please see the first sentence of my first post).
And nobody ever said somebody was a bad mom for wanting to work.
We were simply stating OUR opinions on the matter.
And as for it being outdated, that's not the case at all. The trend for the past 20 years has been working mothers. Some of us who've had to deal with it have either made the decision themselves or wish they had stayed home. Easy for men to criticize - they don't have the same pressures (unless they're single parents).
MsO has even stated that her future husband is totally behind her on it. If its the right decision for them and they can do it financially, then more power to them.
And as for the financial factor, as I stated earlier, many find that the woman's salary (which is STILL 60 cents on the dollar to men - now THAT'S outdated) ends up just paying for the high cost of daycare and other expenses incurred from it. That's when I say if the mother wants, then it does make more sense to stay at home with them until they're old enough to not require a sitter.
Family members aren't the same as daycare. My grandmother was with me until the age of 5. Its totally different than a commercial daycare scenario.

[*MIBabe03*]

While I was growing up, both of my parents worked. I guess my family is not considered conventional. My mother makes a lot more than my father does. That's just the way it's always been. It doesn't bother either of them, because it's not her money or his money. It's their money together. My dad works very hard and is good at what he does, and the same goes for my mom. After my dad is done working he comes home and cooks and cleans. How many women wish their husbands would pitch in and do those things? Both of my parents have sacrificed a lot of things for my sister and I. My mom has to drive to Dallas, which on a good traffic day is an hour away. My father drives to Irving, which is also the same length of time. They do it because they can get more working in Dallas and Irving then if they were working here. If my mom wasn't working, we wouldn't have all of the things we have now.The way I've always looked at it, was that they are providing my sister and I a lifestyle that they didn't have as kids. Both of my parents grew up in large families, and both were very poor. They have been able to give us everything, including attention when we wanted it.