Why I Hate Myself: A Thread on Self-Esteem

[dawsongirl]

Self-esteem. For some reason, there doesn't seem to be a nice happy medium. If you feel like sharing, tell about yours. Do you have little to none and hate yourself? Or do you have a lot? What in your life makes you have it, not have it, lose it, gain it?

I'll post mine, but I wanted a starter post in case you don't wanna read it or it's too long or whatever.

[Hollow]

i hate myself because i am a stupid bitch who can't do anything correctly

[Belair]

For the longest time I suffered from extremely low self-esteem.I was crying all the time,and I felt so bad about myself.I felt like I was the ugliest person alive,and I felt unwanted and undesirable.It was a very difficult time,and alone,I overcame my low self-esteem.
When I was suffering from lack of self-esteem,I became an angry and bitter person.I wasn’t friendly to people anymore,and had no tolerance or patience for anybody,and I made my family suffer because of how I was feeling.
Not a day went by when I didn’t cry,and I got so depressed,I felt like killing myself,because I was too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on in my head,and I didn’t want to talk to counselors,although they would’ve been helpful.
I felt like the whole world was against me,and everyone was talking about me,and I was alone in the world.I didn’t even want to see my family anymore.I felt unappreciated,unloved and ugly.
If someone said one little comment about me,I let it really upset me,which made me more depressed,and more worthless.I wanted everyone to love me,and to like me,but that’s impossible because there’s always going to be somebody who doesn’t like you.
I let insignificant people destroy me emotionally,and I let them win.
I was angry at everyone,and I became a terror to be around.I was aggressive,abusive and was constantly swearing,my family did not know what had gotten into me.
I spent many hours locked in my bedroom crying,and wanting God to take me.I had had enough of life,and felt things were only getting worse,and not better.
I was under the impression that if someone hated me,it was because something was wrong with me,and I felt like I didn’t belong in the world.
It was a terrible time,and those who have experienced depression,would know.
What made me overcome it,was realizing that I was worthy and loved.My family love me and my friends love me,and **** everyone else.I told myself I was a great person,and I instantly changed my attitude.
Today,I am feeling a lot better about myself,and I am positive.You have to be,if you want to survive in this world.
If anything,I want to thank those who made me feel bad about myself because now I am stronger,I am a fighter,I am a survivor,and I am not ashamed of what I felt in the past.I was never again going to let anyone succeed in making me feel anything but good.
This Is Me.Love me or loathe me,I’m here to stay.

I have learned a lot through my experiences,and I have grown stronger.I don’t regret anything I’ve been through,it has just made me stronger,and more capable of getting through ANYTHING.
Remember that you give people the power to upset you.No one can make feel anything,without your consent.

[Lady T]

I have always been a cocky bitch...but this attitude has always saved my ass when life was kicking me in the behind; I never put up with anybody's crap nor have I ever put up with anyone ever treated me unfairly. I always had pride!

[dawsongirl]

I got this thread idea when Michael told me I was too hard on myself. It's true; I am. It's funny. I used to have a lot of self-esteem. When I was in JH, HS, I was fine. Occasionally I'd get a little egotistical to myself, but I didn't flaunt it because I hate egotists. Besides, at my suburban ****hole of a school, there were plenty of people around who made me realize I wasn't as good as I thought. When it came to grades, I was pretty hard on myself because I couldn't fail. Failure back then was a B. I couldn't get a B, because I had to have that 4.0 so I could be on the top of the class. In hindsight, it didn't matter anyway, because no one knew or cared who I even was. I wasn't popular, boys didn't seem to notice me, I was kinda ugly, etc. But I had friends. I got my grades and I was perfect enough for my liking.


Then I got into college where you turned into just one of 10K+ and no one gave a crap. I hated where I was, but I still managed to get A's and B's. I went to another school, got anxiety/depression, stopped caring about grades and didn't give a crap what my grades were as long as I didn't flunk and have to take it over again. It wasn't grades I was so hard on myself for now; it was just being me. I figured it was my fault I was going crazy and I hated myself because I couldn't do anything to reverse it. Actually, I still have a hard time with that. Now that I'm on pills, I'm happier, but all that I went thru scarred me and left my self-esteem in the gutter.


1. I don't think I can do anything right. I get scared when, like at work, someone gives me too much responsibility, but I know I'm gonna screw it up; I have before. And I hate doing things wrong. I have to do everything right the first time and it has to be perfect. Why? I don't know. I guess I don't want anyone looking at me like I'm stupid. You're too stupid to do a simple task? What the hell is wrong with you?? One day I called the wrong clinic. Simple accident but I knew better. So I beat myself up over it and was horribly embarrassed the rest of the day. Everyone makes mistakes, but I can't. And I always do. So I hate myself. Self-esteem drops.


2. I don't trust anyone. I used to trust people. But then my HS friends suddenly dropped me like I was diseased with no real reason or explanation. I know I have issues and can be hard to get along with, but what kind of friend doesn't even try to find out why you act that way, or why your mood suddenly changed. My roommate talked about me harshly behind my back. My friend Gina just decided not to talk to me anymore. I didn't really make any friends in college because at the time, I was going thru a lot of anxiety/depression and I just couldn't talk to people, much less show up to class. Besides, I'd talk to someone, and I felt like they were just being nice to me for the sake of the fact that it's rude to tell someone to go away in public. My ex-bosses treated me like I was awesome and great and wonderful, and then one day they stab me in the back, tell me I'm awful, worthless, don't do anything. They made me feel really small and worthless. I cried so hard I thought I was going to asphyxiate myself. I put my trust in people and what do they do to me? Throw it away like it was just another worthless piece of garbage.


2b. I'm totally closed off. It goes with not trusting people. I know I seem pretty open online, but I mean, it's not like I'll ever see most of you in real life. If you think I'm a freak and throw my faults or whatever back in my face, it's just a bunch of words on a screen. It may hurt, but in the end it doesn't matter. But if you were standing in front of my face I couldn't take it. I can't take people doing that. Like, if I tell people about my feelings on something, I figure they're just going to use it as a weapon to hurt me, by making me feel stupid or abnormal or something. I can't allow people to hurt me, make fun of me...I just can't. So I figure the less they learn, the better off I am. Besides, like I did with a friend of mine...he made me mad and on one random night, I decided to tell him why, because one night before he told me if I wanted to talk about it to let him know. So I do. He writes back this nice email and all and things seemed cool, but he really hasn't talked to me since. So I figure great, I open up and he ignores me/hates me. <--- This is what I get for being honest. So I end up being a bitch. But I only have 2 choices...getting hurt or being a bitch. I guess I'll just have to be a bitch.


3. I don't trust men double of how much I don't trust people in general. Maybe I've been watching too much TV or I've come across too many websites like that one I posted. But this is what I think 99.9% of men are like: They are egotistical, success-hungry jerks who when not thinking about conquering the world, all they think about is sex and how to get it. If their current girlfriend or wife won’t give it to them or won’t do it often enough, they’ll just find someone who will. They don’t care what it does to their girlfriend/wife, just so long as they get laid and get laid as often as possible. They are completely devoid of any real feelings besides hunger, thirst, occasional pain, and being horny. One hurts your feelings, you let him know. His reaction: Gee, sorry. *scratches his ass and goes back to watching football* But if you upset him, damn, he’ll let you know about it. Is this what I want in a husband?? No way in hell. I’ll get married just so that someday later he cheats on me, beats me, uses me, etc. I’m gonna end up dying alone anyway, cuz I’ll have gotten divorced, so why bother?


3b. Chalk this up to my reluctance to be open and tie it into my feelings about men. If not a huge fan of sex. Yes, I know I’m a virgin and someone out there is all like, she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about, but tough. There is no more of an experience where you open yourself up to someone than having sex with them. So what…I open myself up to criticism. No thanks. I don’t want to put my whole trust into a man and then have him throw it back at me. Plus, I don’t see why men think you’re a worthless woman if you won’t do him everyday day of the world. And I won’t, so see the problem? Basically I’m in search of something I’ll never find. I’m with Ashlee…I wish I were a damn amoeba.


4. I think everyone is ignoring me and it’s my fault. The guy friend I mentioned up there never seems to get on IM anymore. I finally got up the courage to email that guy I went to HS with. He wrote back once, but hasn’t since. I know people get busy and stuff, but in the back of my mind, I think, I did something wrong and now they won’t talk to me. So whatever the reason is, it’s my fault.


5. I want to be perfect and normal. Here’s my definition of normal. You have a great husband and a couple kids, a nice house, you have a good job that you like, and you don’t have any money worries whatsoever. Now here’s my pathetic life: I’m 25 and have never even had a boyfriend. I live with my parents (which I totally don’t mind, because I don’t wanna live alone, can’t stand roommates, and apartments suck, but it’s not “normal”), I have a college degree and for 2 years afterward, couldn’t get a decent job. Actually, now I don’t think I really have a “decent” job…I have a degree and I’m a part-time receptionist. But at this rate, I don’t care because someone finally hired me and I really don’t mind the job. But it’s not where I should be. And I think, since I’m 25 and none of what should have happened has happened to me, my life is over and I might as well resign myself to a life of loneliness. One time my great-grandmother said I was more-or-less doomed because I still lived at home and didn’t have a boyfriend. At the time thought, “What the hell does she know?! She comes from a totally different generation.” But maybe she was right; I am doomed.

[Mijada]

Hang in there Cathy, the right person is out there somewhere waiting for you. You have a lot more going for you than you might think, like intelligence, a lot of guys find that attractive. When I was 25 I felt the same way as you, didn't trust men, wanted a couple kids and never thought the right man would come along. Now at 32 I'm finally going to get married to a wonderful guy, and no, all guys don't think about sex all the time. In fact I'm usually the one who has to initiate it with my fiance. As far as school goes, it was the opposite with me. I hated HS and was not popular and got average grades. In college though, things looked up for me. I felt like I finally belonged and made quite a few really good friends.

[Nighthawk76]

Cathy...I really don't know what to say. I feel really awful that it was something I said that made you start a thread in which you just beat up on yourself. I am really very sorry.

[Kay Scarpetta]

I hate myself with a passion. I'm worthless. I've already screwed up so much, and I'm not even an adult yet. I got addicted to heavy drugs... alcohol.. suicide attempts, finally everything hitting the fan and landing me in a nuthouse. They've diagnosed me with everything under the sun... bi-polar, social anxiety disorder, yet they don't really know what's wrong with me yet. I'm on so many different meds. I feel so ****ed up. I want to be a normal kid. I want to be able to socialize with people without having panic attacks. I want to wake up not wanting to die. I want to be able to look drugs in the eye and be able to say no. I'm just not a stable person. My family pisses the **** out of me. I don't feel close to anyone. I only feel close to about 3 or 4 people in this world... I just want to be a normal kid and succeed in life, and not turn out a bigger ****up than I've already been.

[TVFactFan]

Originally Posted by safety pin

i hate myself because i am a stupid bitch who can't do anything correctly

We know that already

[Nighthawk76]

Originally Posted by Kay Scarpetta

I hate myself with a passion. I'm worthless. I've already screwed up so much, and I'm not even an adult yet. I got addicted to heavy drugs... alcohol.. suicide attempts, finally everything hitting the fan and landing me in a nuthouse. They've diagnosed me with everything under the sun... bi-polar, social anxiety disorder, yet they don't really know what's wrong with me yet. I'm on so many different meds. I feel so ****ed up. I want to be a normal kid. I want to be able to socialize with people without having panic attacks. I want to wake up not wanting to die. I want to be able to look drugs in the eye and be able to say no. I'm just not a stable person. My family pisses the **** out of me. I don't feel close to anyone. I only feel close to about 3 or 4 people in this world... I just want to be a normal kid and succeed in life, and not turn out a bigger ****up than I've already been.

The fact that you realize the mistakes that you've made and that you want to be a better person is already a step in the right direction. And there isn't a single human being alive (well, with the possible exceptions of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton) that is worthless. I believe that everyone has something to offer. I'm sure that if you work hard at it and don't give up when the times get tough that you'll be very sucsessful in life.

[Kristina]

I finally realized that I do not hate myself, I hate everyone except myself. When I think of killing myself, it's always somebody else who triggered it. So I've come to realize that people are no good and I no longer care about anyone or anything anymore, I'm dead and I'm glad. I have no emotions for anything except myself, I don't love anything. Not my pets, family, or anything else. And it feels good. I hope all of you here will die inside because it's much more comforting than caring about what others think or say about you. There are good people out there and I still like talking to people that I can get along with, but at any moment I will turn on somebody when I feel they are no longer important to me or of use to me. I do not care either.

BTW Happy Easter yallz! :bunny:

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

My self esteem's gotten about 10% higher over the last couple of years. It really hit me in 8th grade, the definition of hell on earth: Jr. High. That's when my depression started, where I couldn't get myself to go to school and all I would do is cry constantly. There are at least two factors that have triggered my low self esteem, and because you asked, with you I shall share them.

How I Got ****ed Up Number 1: I was always second string to my "best friend" as a little girl. She was always cooler than me, I was always the weird one. When we met other kids in school, they'd all take more of a liking to her. If I made friends without her (rare), once they met her...they'd like her better. I just kept feeling less than and less than. Eventually, around 6th grade, things just went even further down hill. That's basically the year they started to desert me. 8th grade, huge fight...I was wrong, not them, AIM etc etc. **** this I'm telling my mom blah blah blah teeny teeny teeeennyyy. BAM. End of friendship era. We're all cool now, but I don't hang out with her anymore. Thing is, I can handle them now...it's just if I'm around them like I used to be, my self esteem automatically hits an all time low. Always always. She or her sister never fail to make me feel less than, and without even meaning to.

How I Got ****ed Up Number 2: Daddy, can I go play outside with my friends? No. You're going to practice that ****ing piano or you're never going to get anywhere in life and end up like your mother. ****ing *******. Yup. Good old dad. The guy who cares about you so much, he's willing to rip your self-esteem into shreds in order to get you somewhere in life. He instilled a fear in me of him when I was little...what with his yelling constantly over things that weren't necessary to be yelled about. Once I became a teenager, apparently I started acting "just like my mother", which lit his ass on fire. He put me down left and right. Never ****ing good enough at any ****ing thing. Loser this, idiot that. You're grades are in the low 90's but you could be doing bettterrr. You quit piano???!!?! You're a loser quitter...and I'm going to stop the car I'm driving in the middle of the road right now to let you know that, then I'm going to go on about how you're only like this because of you're loser mother who brainwashed you.

Both situations today are better. However, now he's picking on my sister. Her crying at least once a week before school and not going like I did in 8th grade brings back horrible memories. As for the friends, I like my friends now. I don't love them...but they're more of friends than those other half ass ones I've had before. I still have low self esteem, I'm still shy, I'm still afraid to be myself. I think all of that is just a part of me now because of the way I grew up. My mom says I'll grow out of it, and maybe I will...because things have gotten better. Maybe with the better situations will come higher self esteem. I can only hope. That life is miserable.

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

Originally Posted by dawsongirl

I got this thread idea when Michael told me I was too hard on myself. It's true; I am. It's funny. I used to have a lot of self-esteem. When I was in JH, HS, I was fine. Occasionally I'd get a little egotistical to myself, but I didn't flaunt it because I hate egotists. Besides, at my suburban ****hole of a school, there were plenty of people around who made me realize I wasn't as good as I thought. When it came to grades, I was pretty hard on myself because I couldn't fail. Failure back then was a B. I couldn't get a B, because I had to have that 4.0 so I could be on the top of the class. In hindsight, it didn't matter anyway, because no one knew or cared who I even was. I wasn't popular, boys didn't seem to notice me, I was kinda ugly, etc. But I had friends. I got my grades and I was perfect enough for my liking.


Then I got into college where you turned into just one of 10K+ and no one gave a crap. I hated where I was, but I still managed to get A's and B's. I went to another school, got anxiety/depression, stopped caring about grades and didn't give a crap what my grades were as long as I didn't flunk and have to take it over again. It wasn't grades I was so hard on myself for now; it was just being me. I figured it was my fault I was going crazy and I hated myself because I couldn't do anything to reverse it. Actually, I still have a hard time with that. Now that I'm on pills, I'm happier, but all that I went thru scarred me and left my self-esteem in the gutter.


1. I don't think I can do anything right. I get scared when, like at work, someone gives me too much responsibility, but I know I'm gonna screw it up; I have before. And I hate doing things wrong. I have to do everything right the first time and it has to be perfect. Why? I don't know. I guess I don't want anyone looking at me like I'm stupid. You're too stupid to do a simple task? What the hell is wrong with you?? One day I called the wrong clinic. Simple accident but I knew better. So I beat myself up over it and was horribly embarrassed the rest of the day. Everyone makes mistakes, but I can't. And I always do. So I hate myself. Self-esteem drops.


2. I don't trust anyone. I used to trust people. But then my HS friends suddenly dropped me like I was diseased with no real reason or explanation. I know I have issues and can be hard to get along with, but what kind of friend doesn't even try to find out why you act that way, or why your mood suddenly changed. My roommate talked about me harshly behind my back. My friend Gina just decided not to talk to me anymore. I didn't really make any friends in college because at the time, I was going thru a lot of anxiety/depression and I just couldn't talk to people, much less show up to class. Besides, I'd talk to someone, and I felt like they were just being nice to me for the sake of the fact that it's rude to tell someone to go away in public. My ex-bosses treated me like I was awesome and great and wonderful, and then one day they stab me in the back, tell me I'm awful, worthless, don't do anything. They made me feel really small and worthless. I cried so hard I thought I was going to asphyxiate myself. I put my trust in people and what do they do to me? Throw it away like it was just another worthless piece of garbage.


2b. I'm totally closed off. It goes with not trusting people. I know I seem pretty open online, but I mean, it's not like I'll ever see most of you in real life. If you think I'm a freak and throw my faults or whatever back in my face, it's just a bunch of words on a screen. It may hurt, but in the end it doesn't matter. But if you were standing in front of my face I couldn't take it. I can't take people doing that. Like, if I tell people about my feelings on something, I figure they're just going to use it as a weapon to hurt me, by making me feel stupid or abnormal or something. I can't allow people to hurt me, make fun of me...I just can't. So I figure the less they learn, the better off I am. Besides, like I did with a friend of mine...he made me mad and on one random night, I decided to tell him why, because one night before he told me if I wanted to talk about it to let him know. So I do. He writes back this nice email and all and things seemed cool, but he really hasn't talked to me since. So I figure great, I open up and he ignores me/hates me. <--- This is what I get for being honest. So I end up being a bitch. But I only have 2 choices...getting hurt or being a bitch. I guess I'll just have to be a bitch.


3. I don't trust men double of how much I don't trust people in general. Maybe I've been watching too much TV or I've come across too many websites like that one I posted. But this is what I think 99.9% of men are like: They are egotistical, success-hungry jerks who when not thinking about conquering the world, all they think about is sex and how to get it. If their current girlfriend or wife won’t give it to them or won’t do it often enough, they’ll just find someone who will. They don’t care what it does to their girlfriend/wife, just so long as they get laid and get laid as often as possible. They are completely devoid of any real feelings besides hunger, thirst, occasional pain, and being horny. One hurts your feelings, you let him know. His reaction: Gee, sorry. *scratches his ass and goes back to watching football* But if you upset him, damn, he’ll let you know about it. Is this what I want in a husband?? No way in hell. I’ll get married just so that someday later he cheats on me, beats me, uses me, etc. I’m gonna end up dying alone anyway, cuz I’ll have gotten divorced, so why bother?


3b. Chalk this up to my reluctance to be open and tie it into my feelings about men. If not a huge fan of sex. Yes, I know I’m a virgin and someone out there is all like, she doesn’t even know what she’s talking about, but tough. There is no more of an experience where you open yourself up to someone than having sex with them. So what…I open myself up to criticism. No thanks. I don’t want to put my whole trust into a man and then have him throw it back at me. Plus, I don’t see why men think you’re a worthless woman if you won’t do him everyday day of the world. And I won’t, so see the problem? Basically I’m in search of something I’ll never find. I’m with Ashlee…I wish I were a damn amoeba.


4. I think everyone is ignoring me and it’s my fault. The guy friend I mentioned up there never seems to get on IM anymore. I finally got up the courage to email that guy I went to HS with. He wrote back once, but hasn’t since. I know people get busy and stuff, but in the back of my mind, I think, I did something wrong and now they won’t talk to me. So whatever the reason is, it’s my fault.


5. I want to be perfect and normal. Here’s my definition of normal. You have a great husband and a couple kids, a nice house, you have a good job that you like, and you don’t have any money worries whatsoever. Now here’s my pathetic life: I’m 25 and have never even had a boyfriend. I live with my parents (which I totally don’t mind, because I don’t wanna live alone, can’t stand roommates, and apartments suck, but it’s not “normal”), I have a college degree and for 2 years afterward, couldn’t get a decent job. Actually, now I don’t think I really have a “decent” job…I have a degree and I’m a part-time receptionist. But at this rate, I don’t care because someone finally hired me and I really don’t mind the job. But it’s not where I should be. And I think, since I’m 25 and none of what should have happened has happened to me, my life is over and I might as well resign myself to a life of loneliness. One time my great-grandmother said I was more-or-less doomed because I still lived at home and didn’t have a boyfriend. At the time thought, “What the hell does she know?! She comes from a totally different generation.” But maybe she was right; I am doomed.

You're not doomed It is a different time. People get married at 30 and have kids at 35 now.

Anyways, as for some of the stuff you mentioned...that's me to a ****ing tea. Everything you said in "I can't do anything right", "I'm totally closed off" and "I think everyone is ignoring me and it's my fault" especially. I don't have totally distrust in guys...but only give it some time, who knows. I know they're not all like that...but those ones are so hard to find. I can only promise myself to never **** up like my mom did. Take all the time you can to find the right person instead of rushing into it and ending up with a f*ck bean.

[*Pleasant Tomorrow*]

Originally Posted by TVShow Analyzer

We know that already

**** off, ho.

[Hollow]

Originally Posted by TVShow Analyzer

We know that already

gee, thanks for caring. for the record, i would happily rather maintain the things i hate about myself than be anything like the dick hole you are. your shi++y attitude is going to come back and bite you in the ass someday. at least i'm going to grow up to become more than a 25 year old lazy ass talking to people online about females all day long.