DVD Critic's Corner (3/6/05) Kittycat Edition - Sitcoms Online Message Boards

TJL · 03-06-2005, 06:37 PM

There are two types of people in this world, cat movie people and dog movie people.

Of the few things the Witness Protection Program will allow me to divulge about myself, is that I am a dog movie person.

I’ve thrilled to the adventures of that loveable mongrel Benji, and I can endlessly debate whether “Turner and Hooch” was a better cop/dog buddy film than “K-9.” Sure, “Turner” features tha lways reliable Tom Hanks, but James Belushi, ever the workhorse, continued the “K-9” saga with “K-9 P.I.” in 2002. Take that Forrest Gump!

Cat movies on the other hand, just don’t compare.

Okay, the 1982 film “Cat People” was entertaining, mostly because Nastasia Kinski was buck nekkid in nearly every single frame of the film; (I’ve always appreciated her dedication to her craft) but watching Mike Myers prance about manically in a fur suit in the horrifying “Cat In The Hat” scarred me for life, and reminded me of an article I read about this bizarre society of fetishists who enjoy physical intimacy while dressed up in animal costumes - but I guess we can talk about the French some other time.
Now along comes “Catwoman,” another film that tries to convince us that cats can do more than just sleep 23 hours a day and crap in a box next to your stove.
In “Catwoman,” Halle Berry plays Patience Phillips, a put upon illustrator working for a big cosmetics company controlled by Sharon Stone, who made a special trip all the way from oblivion just to appear in this film. Patience is meek, awkward and “movie ugly,” which means Halle’s wig is a little mussed up and she only spent an hour in the makeup chair that morning.
One night our heroine overhears Laurel Hedare’s (Stone) diabolical plan for taking over the world using her new line of face creams, and since she’s meek and awkward, Patience gets caught and promptly fed to the fishes by the squad of goons you see working for every wealthy villain in a blockbuster movie; mean guys in fine Armani suits who say “get her!” a lot while talking to each other with those cool secret service earpiece radio things.
Patience’s lifeless body washes up on the beach, and before you can reach for the stop button on the DVD player, a cat with mysterious computer generated powers appears and brings her back to life.
Soon Patience realizes she’s just not some hot girl who somehow won an Academy Award. Perhaps that magic kitty had something to do with her new found quirks. She now climbs on the furniture, inhales can after can of tuna, and hides under the bed when company shows up. She also develops a taste for dressing like a bondage-loving whip-cracking stripper, which would be some traits I think you’d be looking for in a girlfriend rather than a house pet, but I guess that’s just me. I have special needs.
Soon Catwoman starts kicking butt and taking names around the city, incurring the wrath of Hedare and the dimwitted Police department, while making sweet music with hunky detective Benjamin Bratt, who must have taken the short bus to the Police Academy because he can’t tell that Catwoman and Patience are the same person!
For the climactic finish, Catwoman and Laurel square off for a little cat scratch fever action, and there’s plenty of grunting, kicking, scratching, and hair pulling to satisfy any Army unit that stages girlfights for fun. I like to believe that Halle and Sharon were somewhere on the set when their stunt doubles were kicking the sh*t out of each other, because I’m a “glass is half full” kind of moviegoer.
I also talk to my plates and wear tinfoil on my head to keep the squirrels from reading my mind, as long as we’re sharing.
In conclusion, “Catwoman” failed to change my mind about cat themed films. I still think cats are aloof, unfriendly, selfish creatures that only like you for what you can give them and would probably kill you in your sleep if they could. If I wanted to be treated in such a way, I wouldn’t have broken up with that girl who crashed at my place for two months before stealing my credit cards and taking off for Europe with that drummer guy she said was a “friend” from grad school.

I wonder if she’s back yet?

Janice · 03-08-2005, 12:06 AM

I eagerly await the Canine Edition.

TJL · 03-08-2005, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janice

I eagerly await the Canine Edition.

I think I'll lay off the pet themed movies for a while.

Cactus Jack · 03-08-2005, 08:34 AM

Great job!

webuster · 03-08-2005, 01:36 PM

Weirdest cat movie ever is 'The Uncanny' with Peter Cushing as this writer who believes cats are responsible for all evil in the world. There are 3 stories about cats- one about a creepy little girl with a cat that is magical (i think so) and she shrinks her evil cousin so that the cat will kill it (hilarious special effects- evil cousin standing in front of a huge screen with a cat projected on it, poking the screen with a pencil) There's a story about a maid trapped in a house full of cats- sort of like The Birds the way it's filmed, only with flying cats.

We should have awards for animals! Best cat ever in a movie goes to Cat from Breakfast at Tiffany's! Cool Cats on fil mare Salem from Sabrina, and Max from Hocus Pocus!

Dog films are cool too- love K-9, and some of the Lassie movies are great!

03-06-2005, 06:37 PM	#1
TJL Suburbanite Extrordinaire Forum Star Join Date: Dec 29, 2001 Location: New Jersey - the cradle of civilization Posts: 16,588	DVD Critic's Corner (3/6/05) Kittycat Edition There are two types of people in this world, cat movie people and dog movie people. Of the few things the Witness Protection Program will allow me to divulge about myself, is that I am a dog movie person. I’ve thrilled to the adventures of that loveable mongrel Benji, and I can endlessly debate whether “Turner and Hooch” was a better cop/dog buddy film than “K-9.” Sure, “Turner” features tha lways reliable Tom Hanks, but James Belushi, ever the workhorse, continued the “K-9” saga with “K-9 P.I.” in 2002. Take that Forrest Gump! Cat movies on the other hand, just don’t compare. Okay, the 1982 film “Cat People” was entertaining, mostly because Nastasia Kinski was buck nekkid in nearly every single frame of the film; (I’ve always appreciated her dedication to her craft) but watching Mike Myers prance about manically in a fur suit in the horrifying “Cat In The Hat” scarred me for life, and reminded me of an article I read about this bizarre society of fetishists who enjoy physical intimacy while dressed up in animal costumes - but I guess we can talk about the French some other time. Now along comes “Catwoman,” another film that tries to convince us that cats can do more than just sleep 23 hours a day and crap in a box next to your stove. In “Catwoman,” Halle Berry plays Patience Phillips, a put upon illustrator working for a big cosmetics company controlled by Sharon Stone, who made a special trip all the way from oblivion just to appear in this film. Patience is meek, awkward and “movie ugly,” which means Halle’s wig is a little mussed up and she only spent an hour in the makeup chair that morning. One night our heroine overhears Laurel Hedare’s (Stone) diabolical plan for taking over the world using her new line of face creams, and since she’s meek and awkward, Patience gets caught and promptly fed to the fishes by the squad of goons you see working for every wealthy villain in a blockbuster movie; mean guys in fine Armani suits who say “get her!” a lot while talking to each other with those cool secret service earpiece radio things. Patience’s lifeless body washes up on the beach, and before you can reach for the stop button on the DVD player, a cat with mysterious computer generated powers appears and brings her back to life. Soon Patience realizes she’s just not some hot girl who somehow won an Academy Award. Perhaps that magic kitty had something to do with her new found quirks. She now climbs on the furniture, inhales can after can of tuna, and hides under the bed when company shows up. She also develops a taste for dressing like a bondage-loving whip-cracking stripper, which would be some traits I think you’d be looking for in a girlfriend rather than a house pet, but I guess that’s just me. I have special needs. Soon Catwoman starts kicking butt and taking names around the city, incurring the wrath of Hedare and the dimwitted Police department, while making sweet music with hunky detective Benjamin Bratt, who must have taken the short bus to the Police Academy because he can’t tell that Catwoman and Patience are the same person! For the climactic finish, Catwoman and Laurel square off for a little cat scratch fever action, and there’s plenty of grunting, kicking, scratching, and hair pulling to satisfy any Army unit that stages girlfights for fun. I like to believe that Halle and Sharon were somewhere on the set when their stunt doubles were kicking the sh*t out of each other, because I’m a “glass is half full” kind of moviegoer. I also talk to my plates and wear tinfoil on my head to keep the squirrels from reading my mind, as long as we’re sharing. In conclusion, “Catwoman” failed to change my mind about cat themed films. I still think cats are aloof, unfriendly, selfish creatures that only like you for what you can give them and would probably kill you in your sleep if they could. If I wanted to be treated in such a way, I wouldn’t have broken up with that girl who crashed at my place for two months before stealing my credit cards and taking off for Europe with that drummer guy she said was a “friend” from grad school. I wonder if she’s back yet?
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03-08-2005, 12:06 AM	#2
Janice Retired Admin - Hollywood Swingin' Forum Legend Join Date: Aug 03, 2001 Location: Beantown Posts: 36,388	Great stuff, as usual... I eagerly await the Canine Edition.

03-08-2005, 08:34 AM	#4
Cactus Jack RonFingSwanson Forum Idol Join Date: Dec 09, 2001 Location: Santa Rosa Beach,FL Posts: 103,099	Great job!
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03-08-2005, 01:36 PM	#5
webuster Member Senior Member Join Date: Aug 26, 2002 Posts: 2,150	Weirdest cat movie ever is 'The Uncanny' with Peter Cushing as this writer who believes cats are responsible for all evil in the world. There are 3 stories about cats- one about a creepy little girl with a cat that is magical (i think so) and she shrinks her evil cousin so that the cat will kill it (hilarious special effects- evil cousin standing in front of a huge screen with a cat projected on it, poking the screen with a pencil) There's a story about a maid trapped in a house full of cats- sort of like The Birds the way it's filmed, only with flying cats. We should have awards for animals! Best cat ever in a movie goes to Cat from Breakfast at Tiffany's! Cool Cats on fil mare Salem from Sabrina, and Max from Hocus Pocus! Dog films are cool too- love K-9, and some of the Lassie movies are great!